Author frenchgirl Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 are either of you married? when is this next lunch planned? it's possible - if he's trying to date you, then if you say no to lunch he might actually ask you out on a dinner date?????? Well, I'm not married... And he definitely wears no ring. We are going for lunch tomorrow! I'd love to go for dinner but that would be asking me out on a date and I doubt he would do that, at least not at this point.
2sunny Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 you need to find out asap if he's married or not! if he is, then you need to cancel. no ring doesn't indicate a thing in this day and age.
Author frenchgirl Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 you need to find out asap if he's married or not! if he is, then you need to cancel. no ring doesn't indicate a thing in this day and age. You mean cancel lunch if he's married? Wouldn't that make me a bit of a drama queen?
2sunny Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 drama queen? what does that have to do with NOT having lunch with him if he's married? the drama comes into play if he's married and you DO continue to have lunch with him... believe me - your whole world will be turned upside down. find out the facts now... is he married? if he's not - then no worries...
moonshadow Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 I agree; you really should be finding out if he's married or not. I'm actually shocked that you haven't found this out prior to accepting his 2nd lunch invitation? For me, I wouldn't dream of accepting a lunch invitation with a man/male coworker unless I definitively knew his marital status - and if I found out he was "separated" or married, I'd decline for sure. The only time I'd accept a lunch invitation with a male coworker was if it was strictly a working lunch and it clearly laid forth from the start that the purpose of the lunch was to discuss work matters, a project, etc. Even then I'd likely wonder why a 'lunch' out together was required; why not just discuss work matters during work hours, in the workplace? You should definitely ask him, at your 2nd lunch together, if he's married, does he have a family, etc. Work it into the conversation. Ask him what he's doing for Christmas/who he's spending it with..........ask him if he has children, then ask if he has a wife. You need to know this...unless you want to risk being out and about with someone's husband and then getting the reputation of being the office tart/homewrecker. He may be innocent but he may also have a history of getting it on with coworkers, though he has a girlfriend or wife back at home.
Author frenchgirl Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 drama queen? what does that have to do with NOT having lunch with him if he's married? the drama comes into play if he's married and you DO continue to have lunch with him... believe me - your whole world will be turned upside down. find out the facts now... is he married? if he's not - then no worries... Well if I refused to have lunch with him because he is married, that would mean that lunch actually meant something more than just two colleagues getting together... You know what I mean?
Author frenchgirl Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 I agree; you really should be finding out if he's married or not. I'm actually shocked that you haven't found this out prior to accepting his 2nd lunch invitation? For me, I wouldn't dream of accepting a lunch invitation with a man/male coworker unless I definitively knew his marital status - and if I found out he was "separated" or married, I'd decline for sure. The only time I'd accept a lunch invitation with a male coworker was if it was strictly a working lunch and it clearly laid forth from the start that the purpose of the lunch was to discuss work matters, a project, etc. Even then I'd likely wonder why a 'lunch' out together was required; why not just discuss work matters during work hours, in the workplace? You should definitely ask him, at your 2nd lunch together, if he's married, does he have a family, etc. Work it into the conversation. Ask him what he's doing for Christmas/who he's spending it with..........ask him if he has children, then ask if he has a wife. You need to know this...unless you want to risk being out and about with someone's husband and then getting the reputation of being the office tart/homewrecker. He may be innocent but he may also have a history of getting it on with coworkers, though he has a girlfriend or wife back at home. Thanks for sharing your perspective. You bring up many things I hadn't thought about. Is a second lunch together that much of a deal though? We're supposed to go tomorrow and between now and then I won't have an opportunity to ask him about his situation.
2sunny Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 it seems an inappropriate move mainly because no other co-workers have been included - especially if this is being presented as a work lunch. i mean - really... is it a date or a business lunch? ask him to clarify... as if it's only business - then you have no business asking ANY personal info of him... and ask for other personnel to be included so you don't end up looking like a tart. if it's a date, then the conversation changes accordingly... he's not playing fair by making you wonder. makes me think it's a set up - and not in a good way.
moonshadow Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Well okay, I guess it's too late for you to find out his marital status now.....but it's something you should definitely ask at lunch tomorrow. Curious - when he asks you for lunch, does he give a "reason" for the lunch? Does he claim it's to talk business? to discuss a project or something? Does it 'make sense' why he'd invite only you? Do you work directly with him or for him in some capacity? You don't know of anyone else at work, a coworker, who would know if he's married or not?
2sunny Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 well, let's assume it's an innocent lunch (which i don't think it is)... so YOU pay this time since he paid last time. and don't make it a big deal when you pay. keep the conversation to ONLY business. this way you protect your boundaries and you aren't obligated to him by him buying you lunch two times now. how old are you, btw? and how old is he?
Author frenchgirl Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 it seems an inappropriate move mainly because no other co-workers have been included - especially if this is being presented as a work lunch. i mean - really... is it a date or a business lunch? ask him to clarify... as if it's only business - then you have no business asking ANY personal info of him... and ask for other personnel to be included so you don't end up looking like a tart. if it's a date, then the conversation changes accordingly... he's not playing fair by making you wonder. makes me think it's a set up - and not in a good way. Actually we discussed both business and non-business stuff - which is what most business lunches are about (I think). I don't think people discuss strictly business on a business lunch. We do have work related stuff to talk about though, it's not like he's a total stranger.
Author frenchgirl Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 Well okay, I guess it's too late for you to find out his marital status now.....but it's something you should definitely ask at lunch tomorrow. Curious - when he asks you for lunch, does he give a "reason" for the lunch? Does he claim it's to talk business? to discuss a project or something? Does it 'make sense' why he'd invite only you? Do you work directly with him or for him in some capacity? You don't know of anyone else at work, a coworker, who would know if he's married or not? My friend is the receptionist and she is just about sure that he is not married. When he asks me for lunch, he just says "are you free for lunch?" and leaves it at that. We don't actually work together but do share a few projects. But he has projects with a lot of people in the office and so far he only asked me...
Author frenchgirl Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 well, let's assume it's an innocent lunch (which i don't think it is)... so YOU pay this time since he paid last time. and don't make it a big deal when you pay. keep the conversation to ONLY business. this way you protect your boundaries and you aren't obligated to him by him buying you lunch two times now. how old are you, btw? and how old is he? Thanks for your advice - I'm in my twenties and he's probably in his mid-thirties. I don't think I could keep the conversation (of ANY conversation) to strictly business though... We know each other enough to do regular small talk and so we are way beyond the "formal" stage.
catastrophe Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 This is good stuff! I'm betting there is something to his invitations besides business (well another kind of business if you get my drift). I say go for it. Just remember that you may have to sacrifice this job if it turns into something, mainly for the sake of his reputation (but it is just a work study thing, right?). have fun girlie
Author frenchgirl Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 This is good stuff! I'm betting there is something to his invitations besides business (well another kind of business if you get my drift). I say go for it. Just remember that you may have to sacrifice this job if it turns into something, mainly for the sake of his reputation (but it is just a work study thing, right?). have fun girlie Thanks! You are right, this is not a serious job for me (it is for him though).
MalachiX Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Paying for lunch can be totally innocent yet I would suggest you really think about if you want to have any kind of romantic relationship with this guy since this can really make any business hard. I once made the mistake of giving a ride home to a girl who I was bringing on as a vocalist for a film I was making. We both had a bit to drink and e ended up making out after I dropped her off. Since then there's always a bit of awkwardness. After our last recording session, we decided to go to lunch when the waiter asked us if this was one check or two, I said "one" just as she said "two." It felt weird. I always want to buy the occasional meal for someone who's working on a film of mine (especially for no pay) and it's really unfortunate that now things which I'd always do feel odd.
Author frenchgirl Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 So we did go for a nice lunch today... Again, he paid! And while we covered a number of topics, he did mention that it had been a "very pleasant business lunch". Do you think he's not interested or just testing me?
Confusedalways Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 While I have no advice, this has been a very interesting post to read! It sounds like it could be a lot more, especially since it's only you he's taking out frequently. Keep us updated!
Star Gazer Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Hmm. Using the phrase "business lunch" (again) with a subordinate would seem to indicate that he's trying to make it clear to you that he wants to keep things on a professional level. If he wanted to "test you," I'd imagine he'd say something flirty... Something akin to, "Next time we should have a [insert quotation mark gesture here] 'business dinner,' perhaps with some drinks." Does he flirt with you at all? Ask about your love life, dating history, compliment you? Perhaps he just really likes your company?? Are you a fun, nice person?? Seems like it. Lots of guys I know pay for things just to be gentlemen, regardless of whether it's strictly platonic. Also... Many people go out to lunch/dinner with friends and colleagues and ACT like they're paying for it out of pocket, but they usually expense it. It's hard to expense a "marketing" or "client development" lunch/dinner when you're the only meal on the bill... ya know? All of that said, I know you're excited and giddy. I've been there before. But I'd STRONGLY advise against any sort of workplace romance or relationship. I know, I know... it happens all the time, everywhere. But you're young, and the last thing you want to do at this formative stage of your career is develop a reputation in your community/industry as one who focuses more on the eye candy than the job at hand.
Author frenchgirl Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 Hmm. Using the phrase "business lunch" (again) with a subordinate would seem to indicate that he's trying to make it clear to you that he wants to keep things on a professional level. If he wanted to "test you," I'd imagine he'd say something flirty... Something akin to, "Next time we should have a [insert quotation mark gesture here] 'business dinner,' perhaps with some drinks." Does he flirt with you at all? Ask about your love life, dating history, compliment you? Perhaps he just really likes your company?? Are you a fun, nice person?? Seems like it. Lots of guys I know pay for things just to be gentlemen, regardless of whether it's strictly platonic. Also... Many people go out to lunch/dinner with friends and colleagues and ACT like they're paying for it out of pocket, but they usually expense it. It's hard to expense a "marketing" or "client development" lunch/dinner when you're the only meal on the bill... ya know? All of that said, I know you're excited and giddy. I've been there before. But I'd STRONGLY advise against any sort of workplace romance or relationship. I know, I know... it happens all the time, everywhere. But you're young, and the last thing you want to do at this formative stage of your career is develop a reputation in your community/industry as one who focuses more on the eye candy than the job at hand. Well, he did mention we should do an activity in the evening, which I readily accepted, but he quickly mentioned a couple of executive guys who would be joining us as well... He doesn't specifically flirt with me or compliment me. I caught him looking at my body a few times. He also looks straight into my eyes for long moments, which I find pretty intense. As for the workplace romance thing, I am fully aware of the dangers. This is not my career, just a part time job. When I graduate, I'll be doing something else.
carhill Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Curious....is this guy managing (including hire and fire) a group of people or acting in a customer-facing role in the business? If so, that could explain some of his behavior and actions which you might otherwise think of as personal in nature. I think that's what S_G is suggesting. When is the evening event? Formal or informal? Formal (to me) means you'd have to buy an outfit specifically for the event. Just curious
Author frenchgirl Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 Curious....is this guy managing (including hire and fire) a group of people or acting in a customer-facing role in the business? If so, that could explain some of his behavior and actions which you might otherwise think of as personal in nature. I think that's what S_G is suggesting. When is the evening event? Formal or informal? Formal (to me) means you'd have to buy an outfit specifically for the event. Just curious Yes he is one of the closest advisors to the President so he is clearly managing something... There are plenty of people he could have lunch with though, and so far he asked me twice (and not once for my co-workers). The evening event would be informal (bar hopping I guess).
carhill Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Have you had much contact with males in leadership roles? Business owners, politicians, prominent social figures? There is a charisma they possess that sometimes is misinterpreted. It's kinda like sometimes you might smile at me in a certain way and I might get the "wrong" idea, if that makes any sense.... Edited to add that time will tell, but I'm exploring the background.....
Author frenchgirl Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 Have you had much contact with males in leadership roles? Business owners, politicians, prominent social figures? There is a charisma they possess that sometimes is misinterpreted. It's kinda like sometimes you might smile at me in a certain way and I might get the "wrong" idea, if that makes any sense.... Edited to add that time will tell, but I'm exploring the background..... It is exactly that charisma (and a bit of the ambiguity) that turns me on! He does smile and charm the other pretty girls in the office but so far, I'm the only one he went to lunch with...
moonshadow Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 So you still don't know if he's married (or in a relationship) or not? If not, I'd wonder why you're not wanting to know find this out? I think he's being smooth by his mention of a 'business lunch.' He's doing that to perhaps cover his arse and/or until he can determine if you're 'interested.' Perhaps he's just treading lightly. I get a sense, going just on what you've written and described, that he's a bit of a workplace-player; very smooth, very slick, has likely done this sort of thing before, likes to keep you guessing and wondering.....which might make him feel smugly very 'powerful.' I personally can't stand people who are vague and cryptic, who like to keep me guessing, to me it seems somewhat manipulative and a control-thing. If a guy is interested in me, I'd prefer him to be upfront about it as opposed to keep me guessing and analyzing.
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