1bee Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 um! i don't know where to put this. i've been hanging around this thread for the past year so maybe you guys have a better opinion on this. i traveled all the way to nebraska this thanksgiving to cook thanksgiving dinner for a friend that is stationed there. it's not like i had anything else to do and i don't have a boyfriend. i've been depressed for the past year and needed something to look forward to around the holidays. i thought it would be a nice, friendly gesture which i suggested to him back in august and he agreed to. okay. so thanksgiving dinner was awesome. the turkey and stuffed mushrooms i made totally rocked. so i come home and he hasn't talked to me since. it's not like i went there in hopes for a relationship. i went as a friend. a FRIEND. that's all. i sent him a few meaningless messages over myspace just to start a conversation, shoot the crap and all. then i sent him a few texts. this was all done over the course of the month and not consecutively. i'm pretty bummed! i guess he got the wrong idea and was freaked out by me making dinner for him? also, i did kind of like him, but i didn't say anything that would insinuate it. i mean, i specifically remember having a conversation with him saying that I was through with dating for quite a while and i haven't met anyone that excited me the same way, which is a lie. i don't know which is worse. the loss of a friend or the fact that he was turned off enough by me to stop being my friend. crap. i'm a mess. i feel sick.
norajane Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Did he behave like a friend before you went out there? Did he text you, call you, etc.? Maybe he was never really a friend...
Lizzie60 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 i traveled all the way to nebraska this thanksgiving to cook thanksgiving dinner for a friend that is stationed there. it's not like i had anything else to do and i don't have a boyfriend. i've been depressed for the past year and needed something to look forward to around the holidays. He didn't force you... I think you did this more for 'yourself' than for him.. and he probably knows that. He probably felt you were 'inviting' yourself. i thought it would be a nice, friendly gesture which i suggested to him back in august and he agreed to. Of course he will agree.. why wouldn't he.. someone is traveling all the way down to his place to cook him dinner.. so i come home and he hasn't talked to me since. it's not like i went there in hopes for a relationship. i went as a friend. a FRIEND. that's all. Is he under some kind of obligation now to keep in touch with you? i guess he got the wrong idea and was freaked out by me making dinner for him? also, i did kind of like him, but i didn't say anything that would insinuate it. I think you didn't have to say anything.. he picked it up quite easily IMO. Who would do that for someone who is not attracted to you? He's not stupid.. Now you need to move on... forget about this jerk.. (he should have, at least, call you or text you a 'thank you'... that was the least he could do... so he's not worth your energy and your time..
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Wow it's amazing to me how people jump to conclusions so fast. In my humble opinion you did not provide enough information for proper advice to be given. How do you know that he's not miffed because HE'S interested in YOU as more than a friend and you just acted like you were a casual friend. I mean you did tell him you're not ready for anything, etc. right? You even told him no one has excited you in awhile. So if he now feels differently about you, of course he'd ignore you. Why should he waste his time? As far as he's concerned you're not interested right? Time to stop playing games. He never, EVER would have agreed to have you come down if he hadn't been interested. On that I have to say I totally disagree with a previous poster. Men don't put themselves out that way for women they're not interested in. He could have gone out to a nice restaurant. I know men! So tell us more. How did it go when you were there? Did you stay with him or get a hotel room? How long have you known each other? I do think he should have least called to thank you...but like I said, he might have had more than a "friendly" relationship with you in mind and you didn't send him the right signals.
Author 1bee Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 hello. fair enough. yeah, he texted/called on a fairly regular basis before i went over to his house this november. i never initiated any calls/texts. back in july he sent me an email saying he would be in my area and it would be "cool" if i went to visit him and "cool" if i didn't. so why the hell not? i went to visit him because i haven't seen him in three years anyway. that's when he started talking to me on a regular basis. he called me while he was on leave too. i NEVER called him. then he mentioned that he never did anything fun for the holidays. i said "how about i visit you, blah, blah, blah. whatever." he goes: "that would be bas@$$!" all right. he could have said, "i won't be around for the holidays." so, as the months go by, i still hear from him and a couple of times i have doubts about going due to classes and crap. he responded with "are you serious?" hindsight is a bitch. so we would talk on the phone for hours. i guess i grew attached. stupid me. stupid me.
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Ok, I'm completely lost now. Why do you say "stupid, me." It's just as I thought (yep, I have an instinct for these things;) ) He's clearly interested. And so are you. But for some reason you want to play games. Why?
Author 1bee Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 oh. i've known this guy since 2005, i guess. i met him while on my short stint in the military. he was an aloof guy but he'd make an attempt to talk to me. at one point he told me he was a hopeless romantic but i didn't care at the time because i was dating my tool of an ex. we got back into contact the beginning of this year. when i went to visit him in july, he introduced me as a long time friend to someone. whatever. i think i ruined my chances and have made myself look like an @$$. i think i won't try to contact him anymore. i'm embarrassed.
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 No, 1bee. It's not too late. Trust me on this, ok? What you have to do is write him. Tell him what a good time you had during Thanksgiving. (How was it anyway?) And tell him that you've been thinking about him a lot since then and how lucky you are to have reconnected with him. Trust me...he'll be left wondering if you mean you've been thinking about him as more than a friend or not...heee heee. Yep, I'm devious that way. Men do like a little mystery. Or he might be one of those you have to beat over the head and spell it out! But I'd try the first approach first. He's really so obviously interested. But yeah, tell us more about how Thanksgiving went.
Author 1bee Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 okay. i don't want to play games, but when i was there it was sort of awkward. he was telling me he was through with dating for a while too. in fact, he said it first. he was talking to me about how women sucked. he's dated some very awful chicks in the past. i say at some point: "all right. you hate women. sorry. blah. blah." he goes: "i don't hate you. you're like a dude chick." whatever. i stayed at his apartment. he threw me off. when i was there, he was a little cold. life sucks? he has no couch or furniture. just a tv. we napped on the floor, not next to each other of course. you could probably place a football field in between us if you saw the distance. at some point, he said he was going to retire to his bedroom. i was in a tired stupor. i said "why?" all girly like. he said he was going to take a shower. about two hours i wake up to find him sleeping on the floor. there was awkward moments still. before i left, he hugged me. i still think i turned him off.
Author 1bee Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 i really did have a good time. despite me tripping over myself. i think i ruined any chances to send him an email saying i enjoyed myself. i sent him two emails about nonsense. which he didn't reply to. then i sent him a text saying "so is your phone still broken or are you too good to talk anymore?" "anyway, have a good holiday. i passed all my classes so i think i'm in the clear to get my associate. yay." he didn't reply either. stupid crap like that. i ruined it. yup.
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 You didn't ruin it by yourself. You BOTH contributed, you know? I'm guessing you're both pretty young, right? You'll get the hang of this eventually. In the meantime, I wouldn't write him again. You've written him and now the ball is in his court. If you write him again, you'll appear desperate and that will be a turnoff. If he doesn't realize you're interested by now, he's a fool. But I still say you are both playing games. When you do that no one wins.
2sure Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 YOU didnt ruin it. Sounds like you were both mildly interested in seeing if, after 3 years apart, the friendship had a "spark". It didnt. A little for you, not so much for him. Possible he saw your interest and decided to not encourage it. This is all ok and happens all the time. You were interested - not obsessive and not stalking. Just interested, curious. It comes and goes, not a lifetime decision, not a big deal, nothing for him to get excited about. YOU did nothing wrong. You have not, as of yet, made an ass of yourself. It sounds like you are more interested at this point, in preserving your "not an ass" status...and you have. Rest assured. But maybe just leave it as it is now.
Author 1bee Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 hey, thanks for listening and giving advice. yeah, i figured i shouldn't write him anymore because it would make me look pretty dumb. i'm 22, he's 23. is that young? should i call if i don't hear from him in a month or two? in february his tour is up. meh. i guess i shouldn't call either if i don't hear from him again.
norajane Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 If he really likes you, you couldn't have ruined it. You didn't do anything wrong. However, you should reconsider why you like him. He didn't even write to thank you for cooking Thanksgiving dinner, with stuffed mushrooms, no less. Especially since you went out of your way to go over there to do it. At the very least, he should have responded to your first message and thanked you, if he didn't have the brains to thank you all on his own. Are you sure he's such a great guy? Great guys know how to say thank you. I wouldn't contact him anymore. Frankly, I think he owes you an apology. Thanksgiving was weeks ago - he should have GivenThanks to you by now.
Author 1bee Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 at least i can take comfort in the fact that i did something nice for someone on thanksgiving
norajane Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 at least i can take comfort in the fact that i did something nice for someone on thanksgiving Absolutely. It was a nice thing to do, so good on you for making the effort.
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 at least i can take comfort in the fact that i did something nice for someone on thanksgiving Awww...it's ok 1bee. You sound like a good person. I totally agreed with NoraJane. He doesn't sound very nice to not thank you. Either that or he's just super insecure that you'll reject him or something. And yeah, you guys are really, really young. Hell, I had NO clue what I was doing at that age!
2sure Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 At 22/23 you should be thrilled to have a huge lesson to add to your life experience: great stuffing and mushrooms...not just anyone can pull that off. There is NO WAY he can deny you THAT!!!
Author 1bee Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 At 22/23 you should be thrilled to have a huge lesson to add to your life experience: great stuffing and mushrooms...not just anyone can pull that off. There is NO WAY he can deny you THAT!!! yes! you're right. the food was awesome! i mean, it doesn't take away the depression i'm feeling in my gut now, but still. i can cook a mean thanksgiving dinner from scratch. iron chef america here i come
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Sounds to me like his not pursuing this is absolutely HIS loss!
norajane Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Sounds to me like his not pursuing this is absolutely HIS loss! I totally agree! Next Thanksgiving, you can come over here.
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