ur my last hope

[flower4ever]

I told him no but...he did what he wanted.

 

I was in a relationship with this guy for a little over a year. He was always respectful for the most part. He was sweet and alot older then I. He is about 40 and I'm in my mid 20's.

 

YOu see, he was my first kiss and everything. I'm a virgin and wanted to stay pure till I got married. He wasn't a virgin but said he respected my wishes. I didn't want to make out or anything but one day..a dark day.

 

HIm and I started making out. I stopedand looked him in the eyes and said that I didn't want to have sex or for him to go near that area with his...self(if you know what i mean). He agreed and we kept making out. Then he just pushed himself in and it happened so fast. I pushed him off right away and said no. I started crying but it wass too late.

 

I know its all my fault for putting myself open to something like that. I blame myself for it. I had alot of anger towards him after that, almost rage but i'm to blame too. I got so depressed after that and I havent been the same. i can't trust anyone.

 

Maybe I'm crazy but at first I almost hated him. After awhile I felt like now forsure we should be together and get married. I was to blame also for it and it was too late now. I fell more in love with him later on because it was my fault too.

 

yways alot more **** happened, he started hitting me but is so sweet sometimes. I know I should let him go but I feel a strong strong strong emotional connection to him now. We ended it but still talk because i cant let him go and i dont know why. I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel so close to him now. I know that sounds crazy.

 

I cry everyday since that happened. I haven't talked to anyone about it. I can't focus on anything, work, school,family,anything. I've felt so depressed since that day. I have no passion for life anymore. I hate myself for doing it.

 

Please please, I need your input....

[dead-dyke]

Listen, you need to get the F**K away from that loser! Real men DO NOT behave this way!

 

Do you have a big brother? Sick him on this ass. He hit you. Disgusting.

 

Your feelings are misplaced and playing tricks on your head. You don't want him, you don't need him. You only think you do. If you go back to him, it only gets worse. I promise you. I'm not sure if that was rape or not, but it damn well sounds close to it. You said stop. He should have dropped it. I'm a guy, and I'd never, in a million years do something like that.

 

 

Can any women in here help this girl? Talk to her or something? I can't believe nobody has responded to this yet.........

[LikeCharlotte]

Please go talk to a counselor or therapist as soon as you can. You are not at fault. Stay away from him. I'd like to talk to you more but the things I need to say I'd rather not say in a forum. Just please trust me and see someone now and get away from him at all costs.

[LikeCharlotte]

There are place you can go and people you can talk to... and LS will be here as well. Start looking online for rape and abuse (yes thats what this is) counseling in your area. This doesn't have to be a cycle of pain that you continue forever. This pain and confusion can stop. I promise.

[flower4ever]

It's not my fault? I feel like I had it coming. I have some fault in it, right?

[mark982]

you "did not" have this coming. you clearly set bounderies before hand. he's no good. like someone else said. do you have a older brother, to show him some manners?

[Angel1111]

This guy disrespected your wishes and physically abused you. He's a low-life and the only reason you feel this 'connection' to him is because you're in fear. It's a syndrome called the Stockholm or Helsinki Syndrome, defined here:

 

http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Helsinki+syndrome

 

Any of that ring a bell? You need to gather your strength, get away from this guy and stop deminishing yourself. The sooner you see him for who he is, the sooner you'll break away. He is toxic to you and your well-being.

[Joker77]

Get out yesterday. Seriously. No one ever deserves to get hit. Seek counseling asap and please I implore you....get out of this situation immediately.

[flower4ever]

I was reading about it and I can relate. I just feel like I don't know..like im going to break down. Like I dont want to wakeup. He is already with other females. I hate him but love him. It's crazy! I dont know how I got here?

Stockholm:

 

Emotional bonds and attachments are a precondition for human functioning, prospering, and self-development. Humans and all other mammals have inbuilt neuro-physiological structures in the limbic cortex through which they attach to the parent or caregiver. This is mainly to assure that parent and child care about each other so that the survival of the species is guaranteed. The argument goes that attachments are pretty durable and don't stop even in situations of abuse or neglect. People think therefore that attachment dynamics are kind of hotwired into our brains.

These inbuilt attachment dynamics help us understand paradox emotional states survivors of sexual abuse experience - especially when their perpetrator is a family member or parent. When abused by a person close to them, victims struggle to integrate the fundamental human task of attachment with the instinctive recoiling from pain through withdrawal or shutdown, which causes huge emotional conflict. We've see that also in the form of the Stockholm Syndrome: when a person's physical and/or mental survival it at stake, they are drawn to attach to the perpetrator in an unconscious attempt to elicit a caring response and to minimize the threat to their lives. It's nature overruling what could be called otherwise 'common sense'

There are four factors that must be present in order for Stockholm Syndrome to develop:

 

 

1. There must be a perceived or real threat to one's physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser will carry out the threat.
   
2. The presence of a small kindness from the abuser to the victim.
   
3. Isolation from other perspectives.
   
4. Perceived or real inability to escape from the situation.
   

Stages in the Development of Stockholm Syndrome:

 

 

1. "Identification with the Abuser." The victim dissociates from his or her pain and feelings of helplessness and terror by subconsciously beginning to see the situation and world from the abuser's perspective. During this stage the victim will begin to agree with the abuser and his or her own personality, opinions, and views will fade into the background.
   
2. By doing this the victim begins to learn how to appease and please the abuser, which may keep him or her from being hurt or worse. Similarly, this tactic can be used to manipulate the abuser into being less dangerous, at least for a little while.
   
3. After a while the victim will begin to realize that his or her abuser is human. At this point he or she will begin to see the abuser as not all bad. Some abusers may even share personal information in an effort to bond with the victim and to promote pity rather than anger.
   
4. This bonding, in turn, will lead to conflicting feelings (e.g., rage and pity) and illogical concern for the abuser may begin and the victim may even ignore his or her own needs.
   
5. Once the traumatic event has ended, however,the victim must again learn not to dissociate from his or her emotions and must learn not to focus on the abuser. This can be a very difficult transition for the victim to make
   

[flower4ever]

Please I need more input. I dont know who to talk to. I havent told anyone.

I havent slept that much since I posted this, maybe a few hours a night. It's like now I have to face it but it hurts so much.

 

He only started hitting me after that sh** happened.

He would beat the sh** out of me and told me one time he was going to f***ing kill me. We would fight because I had alot of rage and would fight with him about anything. I blamed myself for everything, after he would hit me I would tell him Im sorry for starting the fight. The funny thing is I'm know as a strong female that my family and friends have no idea.

 

I can't believe I ment nothing to him, its like I'm nothing. He is already with other females and I don't know why it bothers me so much. It kills me.

 

Any input helps please. Thanks to everyone else already. It has help me face what is going on. I didnt want to think about till one day I came here and now everything since that post it has been coming out.

[Angel1111]

Simply put, this is a sick and twisted connection and you need to make every effort within your capacity to get past it. It probably kills you that he's with someone else because it wounds your ego, and because you didn't take action to end it yourself.

 

Instead of concerning yourself with his attitude and feelings toward you, change your focus toward your attitude and feelings toward him. Any man who hits you and tells you that he's going to kill you, is less than dirt under your shoes. This is a man who's much older than you and knew exactly what he was doing. He still knows what he's doing and he's enjoying this game he's playing with you. Stop buying into it and stop taking the bait. He's total crap and you need to find your dignity and decide that you will never allow this person back into your life, and that you won't even have another conversation with him. What would you tell a friend of yours who told you about wanting to be with a guy like this? You'd ask her if she was nuts. You'd ask her what she was thinking. You need to ask yourself the same things.

 

I totally hate men like this. I hate men who use women, who abuse them, who threaten them. They're the worst cowards alive. Recognize this piece of trash for what he is because you are totally wasting your time and your life on him. You might as well dig out the garbage in your kitchen and kiss that. This is the equivalent of what you're doing.

[flower4ever]

Trust me that this has NOTHING to do with my ego. I dont have much left right now. I was a strong person before but not anymore. How could he sexual do that to me, I try and forgive him, see the good in him, and he just doesnt give a sh**?? He said he wanted to marry me and he was soooo sweet before.

I don't know, its like if I face it, the truth of what he did....I.....I dont knwo. If I tell myself that he really loved me at least but its over, then I can move on and it wont hurt. If I face everything then Iam falling apart.

Does anyone understand?

[Angel1111]

It is extremely unnerving to get burned by someone and start thinking that you can't trust anyone after that, especially your own judgement. I felt that way once but, when I thought about it, I realized that I hadn't misjudged things that badly and the person did love me at the time. Maybe things changed, but at that time, I hadn't misjudged things. I'm sure the same will be true in your case if you really think back and remember why you believed the things you believed. At the same time, you need to understand that abusive people are fickle and they love exercising power and control through very cruel means. And that's what he's doing right now, whether you realize that or not. Because you don't think like him, you can't understand the kind of person he really is.

 

So, while it may make you feel better to know that his feelings were real, you need to also recognize that he is a lost cause and cannot change the way he thinks and acts.

[Joker77]

You need to get some type of counseling. This is a horrible situation for you to even consider being a part of in any way shape or form.