Has this marriage of convenience just run it's course, or is it worth saving?

[Switchback]

Long time reader..first time poster here..

 

I wanted to keep this short, but it was impossible to do so:

 

I met a single-mother at age 26 (she was 24, with 3 & 4 yr old girls).. She was a pretty cool chick, but not one I would normally go ga’ga’ over, just a nice gal. I had my own place, but she kept inviting me to hers in the evening, and it was comfortable over there, the home cooked meals were nice, and the kids were fun to interact with. I would not have continued to go over there if she hadn’t continued to invite me on a regular basis.

 

I DID NOT consider the relationship we had as exclusive, just casual, and continued to meet other women on the side. We didn’t even date really, only occasionally went out with mutual friends to drink on the weekend. Because we didn’t pledge anything to each other, I kept myself open to other women. One night she came over to my place unexpectedly when I had a female guest and had a fit of hysteria outside my door, yelling and screaming that she loved me, what was I doing etc?. I didn’t want a girl-fight on my hands, so I didn’t let her in.

 

Thinking about this the next day, I realized that it did “touch me” though, that she said she loved me, and I found myself being exclusive with her after this incident, but you know, I was never really crazy about her, it was just a comfortable-co-existence, she was a nice gal etc..

 

In the past, (before her) I’d had numerous girlfriends and even a fiancée at one point, and with a few of them, I was ABSOLUTELY CRAZY about, infatuation, puppy love…whatever you call it. I did not have these feelings with this girl. Two of those women, who I’ve long since lost track of, I still think of often, and think of them as the “ones that got away”. If you still think about someone from that long ago (20 yrs) is that an indication that you loved them?

 

Unlike Forrest Gump, “I do not know what love is”..but wish I did..

 

Back to the story…Eventually, I spent a lot of time over at her place and practically moved in, so we talked about renting a place together, as her apt was too small for all of us, and we rented a house in the country. It was a pretty idyllic lifestyle, and I think we had a good time. Eventually, we talked about marriage, I proposed, we had a simple marriage etc… I was not crazy about her or wildly in love/lust, and my mindset at the time, was that we got along so well, that we would “grow into love” etc..

 

I CONCEDE NOW THAT THIS WAS PROBABLY JUST A MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE AND IN RETROSPECT A BAD IDEA..

 

12 years later, we’re having some serious difficulties… I have a very hard time wanting to be romantic with her, and in all honesty don’t even want to have sex with her, she just doesn’t turn me on, and I’ve got to imagine I’m somewhere else, even to just “finish”.

 

This didn’t just start, it has always been this way, even on our week long Caribbean honeymoon, we had sex maybe 2 times..

 

She never seems to have an orgasm, which makes me feel like I can’t please her, so why try?..just a vicious circle in my opinion. We might have sex once a month, or once every two months, but that’s about it. She doesn’t seem into it much and I know I’m not into it at all, as I just don’t find her sexually attractive. She’s a little over 5’, approx 120 lbs, so she’s only put on about 10-15 lbs since we married, so that’s not the issue. If I had to describe her, I’d say she is “homely”. If she makes herself up, she is “cute”, but there is nothing that I have ever considered sexy about her, and and when I look at her, I just feel nothing.. She can get out of the shower, and stand in front of me naked….nothing.. I really wish I could flip a switch that would make me lust over her and/or want to be close to her. I think this would fix 99% of our problem, because everything else in the marriage is good.

 

We don’t connect on an intellectual level either, and the only thing we can talk about with mutual interest is the kids. She’s a simple girl, not very worldly, and talking to her is increasingly dull for me to be honest, and I have to pretend to be interested in what she has to say.

 

And before anyone accuses me of it…no, I’m not gay…..far from it…..I find many women, even non-traditional beauties fascinating, and one that I can talk to on a intellectual level is very stimulating as well, and makes me wish I had that with my wife..

 

I think for a good part of our marriage she compromised on everything, and pretended to be interested in the things I’m interested in, which made me believe we were interested in the same things, but now it seems that is changing, and I believe that is just her not compromising anymore. This ranges from outdoor activities to tv shows. If there was one thing we’ve always been able to do together, it was watch tv and movies together, and nowadays, we’re most often in separate rooms, watching shows that interest us.

 

I actually look forward to business trips out of town, and thoroughly enjoy the time I am away. I have to be honest, I don’t even miss her when I’m away from her, and don’t really look forward to going home. Our reunions after even a month long business trip seem awkward and unemotional…and that troubles me.. That’s not normal right? If you love someone, you’re supposed to miss them…right?

 

We’ve had several talks about splitting over the years, and one just recently. It seems we can’t really get to the bottom of why we seem so far apart, and I just don’t have the heart to tell her, that I feel nothing for her physically. She has said that maybe we’re just the kind of people that are better off without someone else to worry about.

 

The oldest children are just about gone from home, but the little one has another 10 years at home, and I do not want anything to effect her development, such as the loss of her father in the home picture, so this weighs on my mind heavily.

 

In some ways, I think we would be better off apart, but in other ways, (because she is my best friend) I feel that I would miss her greatly..

 

However, the mental-block I have with her sexually will not allow me to be the mate I should be with her, give her affection and love that a woman needs....so I’m already hurting her without meaning to.

 

I guess, in conclusion we just co-exist in a peaceful, unromantic, un-passionate marriage that is pleasant, but lacking. I often wonder what we’re going to do when the kids are gone, and we have nothing in common to talk about anymore.

 

There are other issues I have with her, such as her being an impossible clutterbug and a messy housekeeper, but those are minor in comparison to the real issue..

 

Has this marriage just run its course, and there’s nothing worth saving?

 

How important is that initial infatuation/pupply love that draws you to someone in the begging (which I never had) in the grand scheme or long run of things?

[imagine]

I think that both of you are seriously missing out. It sounds like both of you are compromising - BAD. This is dishonest.

 

Make a commitment to the marriage. You may want to get a copy of "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr Harley. Everybody should have "The five Languages of Love" - Chapman.

 

Invest in this relationship. There ARE dividends.

[ReeWoo]

I think that both of you are seriously missing out. It sounds like both of you are compromising - BAD. This is dishonest.

 

Make a commitment to the marriage. You may want to get a copy of "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr Harley. Everybody should have "The five Languages of Love" - Chapman.

 

Invest in this relationship. There ARE dividends.

+1

 

This is good enough to be quoted. Love is a decision.

[PinkOrchid]

Switchback,

 

I would kill to be in your situation. If your wife truly is your best friend, I think your marriage can be saved. Wouldn't you be heartsick without her? You two are also having more sex than many other couples who have been together as long as you have.

 

How about date nights? Ask her what turns her on. Do things together that turn you on.

 

The puppy love thing - it dies after a while anyway. I think sexual attraction is a hard thing to maintain in any relationship even if there were major sparks in the beginning.

[Mr. Lucky]

You sound incredibly judgemental, but in a passive-aggressive way. It's as though you feel that, since your wife somehow lulled you into marriage against your wishes, you're not responsible for fully commiting and holding up your end.

 

Maybe you should allow your "homely", "simple", "dull" and "messy" wife to find someone else that might appreciate her?

 

Mr. Lucky