lexi29 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I have no idea where to put this. We're not married (I postponed the wedding) but we are way more than dating. I used to love my fiance so much. I used to adore his son and want more than anything to be a family with them. My fiance and I had so much fun togther, he used to make me laugh, we have a great sex life, we could talk about anything. But just lately I have so much resentment toward him. We are supposed to move in together very soon. We were waiting till we found someone to watch my fiance's son before and after school. My fiance went door to door in the neighborhood we are moving into and also put an ad in the paper and flyers and put up signs. On friday he finally found someone. all he has to do now is enroll his son in the new school and we can move. I should be excited. Instead I feel sick. I am dreading this. I dont' want to move in with him. I told him I need some time to think about things- we weren't planning to move till after Christmas and now since he is laid off he wants to move his stuff now. He wanted to start on saturday. I can't move till after the holidays so he would be living in the new place before I am. Not that it should matter but I've paid the rent on this place for the last 2 months (including this month) and he isn't sure if he can give me his full share for January (since he got laid off) but said he will do his best to try to get the $ together. Last week we got into a huge argument over stupid things like christmas gifts (he bought his son a lot of stuff which is great, bought himself some stuff which is ok, and then bought me nothing basically. (He bought me a phone I told him to take back because we aren't having a home phone and he said he'd keep it for himself and has bought me nothing to replace it.) Not a huge issue in itself but it symbolizes our whole relationship. I feel he does everything for his son and everything for himself (makes everything about HIM) and doesn't really seem to care about me as an individual. He wants to marry me but I think its more for his benefit and because HE finally wants to be married than because he can't live without me. Also when we went out to dinner to "celebrate" on friday we ran into his ex that he left me for last year. If that isn't a sign I dont' know what is. I didn't have much reaction to seeing her. Like he could leave me for her again tomorrow and I wouldnt' care. Also this weekend I had NO interest in him sexually which is very odd. His son was with us the whole weekend so luckily we were never alone. Because I don't think I could have forced myself to sleep with him. Thats how upset/angry/confused I am. I told him I need a few days to think things over (whether or not I want to move in) and he is understandably upset (because he has to enroll his son by thursday so he can start the new year at the new school. I just don't know if I can do it. I am terrified I will move in with them and hate it. And not have a way out. I am afraid I won't be able to handle his son being a spoiled brat (courtesy of his dad). For example- this weekend his son wanted to go bowling. Has wanted to go for a very long time. We took him and he had a blast and then we were going to the mall to let him see Santa claus. Seemed weird to me to take a 9 year to see Santa but he still believes so ok.. Well we are leaving the bowling alley and heading to the mall and his son says he wants to go play with his cousin (who lives in the opposite direction) and my fiance says he can't afford the gas to go to the mall and to see his cousin because he is laid off. Son starts bawling that he HAS to see his cousin. So I say he can choose. Either he can go play with his cousin or he can go to the mall to see Santa. One or the other. He keeps crying and says no he wants to do both. I repeat nope, one or the other. He says he wants to see Santa so we head that direction and his son keep bawling about he wants to see his cousin and I tell him well you made the choice. are you sure this is what you want to do? He keeps crying and screams that he wants to do both. My fiance gets mad, pulls over to the side of the road and says we are going home and not doing either. He asks his son which one he wants to do and son says see santa. So we continue to drive to the mall. his son cried the entire way there!!! I was ready to jump out the window. HE cried for a half hour straight because he was so disappointed he couldn't see his cousin. Once we got to the mall he was fine and never said another word about his cousin. But honestly I don't know if I can handle his temper tantrums every single day. 2nd issue- my fiance does not handle money well and if you read my other threads he wants to take his tax return and spend it on a go kart. Instead of saving it. Instead of possibly using it to pay bills in case he can't find a job right away. I am so angry that I might end up having to pay their share of everything (we agreed to split things 50/50. 3rd issue- My family has a vacation scheduled this summer. We took a week vacation this summer and my fiance was planning to go (he always said he was going) and at the last minute he said he couldn't go becasue he didn't have the money because he was paying for our wedding stuff. I was disapointed but accepted that. Well when we talked about going this year, I think he NEVER planned to go this last summer either and that he lied to me about wanting to go. Because he has every excuse NOT to go this year. First he said he wouldn't have the money to go and if he didn't get paid vacation from work he couldnt' go (solution- he could save some of his tax return $ to use for vacation- he didn't like this idea) Then he says that he doesn't want to go to the beach because he will look at other women constantly and I'll get mad. I told him I don't care if he looks just don't be obvious about it and dont stare if I'm around. He said well he can't help it because thats just the way guys are. Then he complains its too far of a drive (I would be driving not him and if he wants to fly, again he can save some of his tax return money for that). Then he tells me he hates the beach (he used to live in CA) and has no desire to go there. That he's not a vacation type person and would rather just sit at home for a week. Now it is true that he's never taken a week's vacation before but I would think the opportunity to go the beach (ocean front house with a pool, hot tub, theater room, game room, elevator, etc) would be enough to drag anyone away. Especially the chance to go with your wife and son. We ended that argument with him saying he'll go (but I felt like I had to twist his arm and there is plenty of time for him to go back on his word like he did this last summer) Quite frankly, I do not want to marry anyone who doesn't like to relax once in awhile or go away (if we can afford it) It is starting to feel like this moving in together is all for HIS benefit and I get nothing but a headache out of it. He gets someone to help pay the rent and bills (and someone to fall back onto if he doesn't have enough money) He gets to live in the country which is something he loves (I currently live in the country now he lives in town) He has someone to help him with his son - I will be the one who has to get him up in the morning and ready for school and take him to daycare. He will have less rent and bills to pay ( I will have more) Him and his son will be able to live a better life (be able to buy more stuff for his son with my added income. I know this post probably makes it seem like i dont care for him and his son but I really do love them both and dont' want to lose them (and I know if I dont' move in with them we will break up). I need more time to decide and I know thats not fair to his son because we wanted him to start his new school after xmas break so its not as hard on him. I just feel I should be happy and excited to move in with them and instead I'm crying and I'm so stressed out. I just don't want to be treated in this offhand manner he's taken to treating me lately. Like Im there to make his life better and the hell with me. It's not anything he says but just his actions. The other night he didn't say "I love you" before I left his house. I told him about it later and he said he forgot or he didn't realize he didn't tell me. He can't do one little thing that is important to me, he can't give me time to decide (he keeps bugging me about it and going about everything like I am going to give him the go-ahead to move in- he was over there today painting the walls of the new place). I've already put off marrying him twice, now I am trying to get out of living with him I think. I don't know how I can love him and his son so much yet dread being committed to them. I'm just afraid he'll treat me like I don't exist if I move in and I'll resent him and kick them both out and that would be hard on his son and I don't want to do that.
jwi71 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I don't have the entirety of the history so forgive any mistakes based on that. Commenting on this post... My very first gut reaction is: this R has serious issues, serious unaddressed issues. In detail: Money. You handle it well and he does not. This will NOT change. Are you prepared to correct his financial mistakes when you are married? I presume you know his income (zero for now but what is it normally), his credit score and history, his account balances etc. You had better figure this out before HE ruins YOU financially. Are you prepared to support your stay at home hubby/bf? Parenting. Are you emotionally ready to be a full time mother? Though I find the son's behavior abnormal for that age - its what YOU have to deal with. Can you? You are NOT READY for this. That little voice in your head is warning you. I am warning you. Stop this. If you can postpone a wedding you can sure postpone this.
Geishawhelk Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Jeesh, this has "WTF are you doing - ?!" written all over it. It's going to be hard, you'll take a heck of a lot of flak, but you have to really hold tight and dig your heels in, and not go through with this. He's taking you for granted, big - and I do mean BIG - time. he's expecting that you'll happily fit into the little slot he's carved out for you, and that you'll be there - always. Heck, why wouldn't you be, you're happy to do all this, aren't you? Of course you are, you don't mind! Oh please, do give him a short and very sharp shock. It will knock you for six, but you have to stand your ground and not budge an inch.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Have you told him all of this, exactly like you told us??? One thing Lexi that I don't understand. Why do you always pull out at the 11th hour. It seems you will let things go on and on, even when you are sure that you don't want them, then wait he/you have put so much effort into one of the plans. They wedding was cancelled at the last minute and cost you all a good bit of money, then this will set you both back. He's even started painting??? Why do you make decisions, then change your mind after you have made an investment?
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Twice you've called off the wedding. There's a reason for that, just like right now your gut is SCREAMING to you NOT to move in with him. This isn't about love, it's about your dynamic with him. Your lives aren't meshing well together. You two have TONS of issues, problems, and neither of you can sit and openly, honestly talk about it. Lexi, it's time to end this relationship, set yourself free, set him free, so BOTH of you can find love with someone else and be happier.
2sure Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Lexi, Lexi, Lexi... You have called off the wedding twice...at least once having put down deposits, etc. In fact, wasn't it him who lost money on that? And now with moving in together...and his son having to change schools and him having to arrange new child care...you are again having second thoughts...giving him 3 days notice that his son may miss school enrollment. Your reasons are all valid, as they always have been, each time you have changed your mind. He sounds irresponsible and thoughtless to say the least. But you preface all of this by explaining that you love him. I am sure, like all of our stories here - that there is another view that we are not privy to...but Lexi: Make up your mind. This is the third huge step you have asked him and his son to make and the third time you have changed your mind. And this time it is cutting it too close. This is almost not his fault anymore. From the scenerio with his son in the car...Santa/Cousin...clearly neither of you were up to making a decision and the 9 year old couldnt...it kind of mirrors the whole relationship dynamic. I said this because I like you Lexi.
Author lexi29 Posted December 17, 2008 Author Posted December 17, 2008 Lexi, Lexi, Lexi... You have called off the wedding twice...at least once having put down deposits, etc. In fact, wasn't it him who lost money on that? And now with moving in together...and his son having to change schools and him having to arrange new child care...you are again having second thoughts...giving him 3 days notice that his son may miss school enrollment. Your reasons are all valid, as they always have been, each time you have changed your mind. He sounds irresponsible and thoughtless to say the least. But you preface all of this by explaining that you love him. I am sure, like all of our stories here - that there is another view that we are not privy to...but Lexi: Make up your mind. This is the third huge step you have asked him and his son to make and the third time you have changed your mind. And this time it is cutting it too close. This is almost not his fault anymore. From the scenerio with his son in the car...Santa/Cousin...clearly neither of you were up to making a decision and the 9 year old couldnt...it kind of mirrors the whole relationship dynamic. I said this because I like you Lexi. As for the thing with Santa vs. seeing his cousin- a decision WAS made. My fiance was taking him to see Santa. His son is the one who started bawling because he wanted to do both. I'm the one who told him to make a decision. I wasn't driving so it wasn't like I would be the one making the decision. I just thought he is old enough to decide between 2 choices. Maybe I'm wrong. Yes, I know I pull out at the 11th hour. I have no idea why and am trying to discover this. As for the apartment, if I don't want to move in, I'm the one who loses the money as I put down the security deposit and two months rents. And I did NOT ask him and his son to move and change schools. This was my fiance's idea because he wanted to move to that area and of course I said yes because it is closer to work for me and is the area I currently live in now. I don't know if I am terrified of committment when it comes down to the wire or if this relationship is totally wrong for me. I do love them but it seems like losing them would be easier for me than moving in, getting married etc. I think I am afraid of change. If I could keep dating him and doing what we do now, I'd be fine. It's the moving forward thing that scares me. I am scared we will move in together and it won't work out (because of the arguments we've had lately and our different views of things) and I'll want out and I won't be able to go back to what I have now. I live with a roommate who is older than me and she owns the house and charges me minimal rent. Now she has a lot of rules (I can't have people over etc) but basically she is gone a lot and I have the place to myself and I have four pets and she doesn't mind them. So I have comfort and security there (been there for five years) and even though I know this isnt' a long term thing as I need to move out and start my own family someday, I am terrified to leave this situation and move in with my fiance and then resent him or hate it there and then we break up (and really neither of us can comfortably afford the new place on our own.) and I'm afraid if we break up then I'm stuck trying to find a place on my own again. And it won't be the good deal I have now. Also I have four pets and there aren't many landlords that want four pets in a house. And right now I'm just responsible for ME. I pay my own bills, and if I move in I might get stuck taking care of the two of them because my fiance can't manage his money or doesn't have his priorities in order. That worries me. I mean he pays his bills now just fine but I'm scared that he might take advantage of me if he knows I"m there to fall back on. Also if we break up, he can move in with his parents till he finds a place, I don't have that option because my parents live a few hours away and I have no close family in this area. So I have way more to lose than he does and it makes me reluctant to take the next step. He says he wants to move in and marry me because no one has ever known him as well as I do and that he loves me more than he's ever imagined loving anybody. That he can't imagine me not being in his life every day. That him and his son adore me and his son has never expressed anything positive toward anyone he's dated before. So it all sounds good and I'm afraid if I leave them I might be leaving something good behind. Maybe this is my only chance to have a family and be happy. So I dont' know what to do.
jwi71 Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 Lexi, I beg you to stop. You are going forward for all the WRONG reasons. There is nothing, I repeat nothing, to be gained by going forward. You do not OWE him anything. You are not responsible for him (but he would love for that to be true). You are only responsible for YOU. One more time, DO NOT GO FORWARD.
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