sns227 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I need a little advice. I have been out of the dating scene for a while. I recently started dating a woman about 60 days ago. It appears that she takes default position that I should pay 100% - 100% of the time. She asked me if I wanted meet up with some of her family for new years at a cost of $150.00 and said - "is that ok? Can you handle that?" I said sure. She the told me yesterday that her brother is getting a room at a hotel and asked me what I thought about that idea - she mentioned a room would cost approx $250.00 and made no hint that she would pay for it. While I can afford it, I will not get the room because I think since she suggested it, she should pay for it and not put the burden on me. While I normally don’t mind paying for dates in the beginning, I think once a "relationship" is established - the cost of dating should be a shared jointly. She makes good money, has plenty of money in the bank, I am divorced with 2 kids that I support. There are plenty of other things she can but on my shoulders i.e...Calling her regularly, opening doors, putting my sport coat over the puddle she is about to walk through, etc - why must money be so important? Perhaps I need to have a sit down with here and have her explain her financial expectations. What if we decide to take a little vacation – am I expected to buy airfare – hotel, etc?
amaysngrace Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 If she knows your situation then she should understand where you're coming from. It was her choice to date a guy supporting two kids.
2sure Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Well, I have to say that when I was dating (married 3 years now)...I am one of "those women" that was very comfortable with the man paying most of the time. In my case, the guys always made more than I did, and didnt seem to mind. I would reciprocate every third date or so by buying somewhere simple, getting tickets myself, or making dinner at my home. Seemed to work out. To be honest - this woman is either taking advantage of you OR is concerned that offering to pay will offend you. I find the later hard to believe. To not offer once in a while, and additionally to be the one iviting, making the plans, etc AND expecting you to pay....wrong, wrong , wrong. I'm not sure what you can say though. You should not have to say anything! It puts you in an uncomfortable position. Decline the next two "invitations" to spend money on her. At the same time invite her somewhere simple to dine and pay or see if she takes the opportunity to treat. She may get the message. If she doesnt, you are what some women refer to simply as "the wallet".
Geishawhelk Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Considering the sums involved, I get the impression she's a free-loader. A few dollars here and there, maybe. But were pitching to the tune of $500 or so here! That's taking it for granted, big-time! Don't tell her you're not paying for the room, until she's booking it. Then, look as astonished as you can when she asks you to hand over your cc details.....
Author sns227 Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 I don't think she is a free-loader. Perhaps she is used to this sort of treatment from previous relationships. She often mentions the importance of "partnerships" in marriage and relationships - well if that's the case - why not start now with sharing expenses. We have been out several times and she never hinted towards buyibng a drink, movie ticket, etc. She has a lot of nice qualites - but since she thinks money is important (preserving hers) . I think I need to bring it up. I have never been in this position before. I dated another girl recently who constantly offered to contribute. Perhaps the girl im datin now is out of my league. I can afford it easily(she does not know that however) - it's really the fact that she never offers that bugs me.
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 "Sure, I would love to meet some of your family for New Years. I'll pay the $150, you pay the hotel costs, okay?" Btw, are you two officially in a relationship yet or are you two still dating? Some women feel that men should pay until they enter a relationship. No excuse but maybe that explains her gold digging attitude? Who knows.
Author sns227 Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 I don't know how to determine if we are officially in a realtionship or not. We recently started having sex and I am not looking for greener pastures at this time. I think I need to talk to her and get her views on money, etc and see if we are on the same page. I was just wondering if at some point in the dating process, is it normal for the expenses to be shared jointly even after the guy has been paying for everything from the beginning.
Geishawhelk Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I'm sorry, this just isn't right. You're not actually really sure whether you can be calling it a relationship yet - and you're being expected to fork out without question? In my book, whatever you may think, that's just extraordinarily rude. I would feel so embarassed to even approach you for $20.00 to pay a cab fare!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 OK, I've always thought that the person who does the inviting pays. That way there is no surprise, no room for resentment, no unmet expectations. No one is forced to put out money they are not expected to. I cannot believe that she would invite YOU and not offer to pay. Maybe hold off on the asking her out and if she mentions it you get the chance to say that you are saving for New Years. I would NOT pay for the room either.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I need a little advice. I have been out of the dating scene for a while. I recently started dating a woman about 60 days ago. It appears that she takes default position that I should pay 100% - 100% of the time. She asked me if I wanted meet up with some of her family for new years at a cost of $150.00 and said - "is that ok? Can you handle that?" I said sure. She the told me yesterday that her brother is getting a room at a hotel and asked me what I thought about that idea - she mentioned a room would cost approx $250.00 and made no hint that she would pay for it. Sounds like you have an entitlement princess that is using you for your money. Its one thing for you to pay all the time when you ask her to go out, but for her to ask you to do things and EXPECT it, nothing doing. Cuts your losses quick.
Vertex Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 The problem with these situations is that EVERYONE has a seemingly different take on what's appropriate when it comes to money. However, from a personal standpoint, I wouldn't really be that willing to shell out that much cash for someone I wasn't even sure I was in a relationship with. Paying for the room seems like a little much. I'd just say "Sure, I'll pay the $150, but would you be able to get the hotel cost?" and if she refuses, then it might be a good time to decline the offer entirely and mention that it's probably a bit much for you at this point, considering that you are supporting two kids. An entirely reasonable statement to make, I would think. If she gets upset or defensive over it, then I'd see that as a bigger red flag.
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 This entire scenario doesn't sit right with me, the more I think about it. Why should he need to ask her to pay for it? She should know better. Even if you were wealthy, she should be chipping in or at minimum, offering to pay, part of the time. I'm going to turn this around a bit though and have to ask the question, from a long-term perspective. Let's pretend you decide that she's "the one". Do you want a stay at home type of woman or are you looking for someone who's more financially independent?
norajane Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 She asked me if I wanted meet up with some of her family for new years at a cost of $150.00 and said - "is that ok? Can you handle that?" I said sure. She the told me yesterday that her brother is getting a room at a hotel and asked me what I thought about that idea - she mentioned a room would cost approx $250.00 and made no hint that she would pay for it. I'm not clear on what you're being asked to pay for, actually. What was the $150 for? Is that the cost of a party at the hotel? What is the $250 for? Is this for a room party in addition to the hotel party? Or is this instead of the hotel party? I would suggest you have a discussion of what these costs are - tell her you're confused and would like some clarity. Then tell her you are happy to split the costs of the evening with her.
movingonandon Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 the girl I'm currently dating offered to pay for dinner on 4th date. perhaps somewhat half-heartedly, but I appreciated it (and refused to let her pay). Some dates later, and after I informed her that I'm not looking for anything serious, she stopped offering to pay for anything at all, which under other circumstances would have bugged me, but now i take it as a well-deserved outcome of my bone-headedness :lmao:
edinsvet Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Are you getting a Return on Your Investment. or is this a losing money venture. My rule of thumb is to always keep the Debt to Equity ratio low.
blind_otter Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Well if you're having sex, it's time to have "the talk" where you make sure you are both on the same page in terms of committment levels and expectations. I am one of those women who during the courtship phase expects the guy to foot the bill, but once a relationship is established it should be 50/50...and that's just with dinner and a movie or whatever. I've never made the kinds of plans to go away on a trip with someone I had known only a few months, though, but if I were to do such a thing I would definitely offer to split the bill.
edinsvet Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I did kill one good relationship with "the talk" so be aware that it is a minefield Use extreme tact and caution
EYECANDY000 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 When I read the statement "is that ok, can you handle that" made me think like she is trying to find someone to help her keep up with the "jones" and "the smiths"... this women is looking for someone to wine and dine her and give nothing back in return but a full stomach and a belch..
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Wow..just so you know where I'm coming from, I'm pretty old-fashioned when it comes to dating/courting but wow...this woman has zero class. After 2 months (really well before that) I always, always offered (and at times paid if the guy let me) for meals, events, etc. Bottom line, you can talk to her all you want but the girl has zero class. And she's rude on top of it, as has been pointed out. Why in the world do you think she's "out of your league?" Believe me, when I was at my peak and single, I could have pretty much gotten my way with any man..and had everything in the world paid for. But I wasn't raised that way. Clearly she didn't have a good and proper upbringing. Sounds to me like you're out of HER league!
movingonandon Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Cheap ho. There is nothing wrong with the guy paying for everything. But the way she behaves about it is whack. I'd recommend cutting her loose because her behavior is indicative of serious character flaws (sense of entitlement, poor communication skills, low self-awareness, etc.)
2sure Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I gave you excellent advice here previously. But I wanted to add - if she were indeed comfortable & independent...if she is under the age of 70 she would have bought you a drink. She is either broke or the cheapest of the cheap.
Left in a Lurch Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 the girl I'm currently dating offered to pay for dinner on 4th date. perhaps somewhat half-heartedly, but I appreciated it (and refused to let her pay). Some dates later, and after I informed her that I'm not looking for anything serious, she stopped offering to pay for anything at all, which under other circumstances would have bugged me, but now i take it as a well-deserved outcome of my bone-headedness :lmao: This is always a sticky situation for a guy dating. I am going to give guys a couple of tips on how to respond to a woman offering to pay after the first date. This may change your life. Scenario 1 Girl: "How about I pay for dinner tonight?" Me: "Yup" Scenario 2 Girl: "I guess it's my turn to pay for the date huh?" (Laughs) Me: "Yup" Scenario 3 Girl: "Well you paid for the movie tickets so I will buy the popcorn and drinks." Me: "Yup. Then you'll just owe me $12.50 for the ticket." Girl: "He he." Me: "No, Seriously. Get change, I'll have to break a twenty." Scenario 4 Girl: "Well I had a great time tonight." Me: "I hope so, you didn't pay for sh*t." Scenario 5 Girl: "I love Italian!" Me: "I prefer Dutch."
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 This is always a sticky situation for a guy dating. I am going to give guys a couple of tips on how to respond to a woman offering to pay after the first date. This may change your life. Scenario 1 Girl: "How about I pay for dinner tonight?" Me: "Yup" Scenario 2 Girl: "I guess it's my turn to pay for the date huh?" (Laughs) Me: "Yup" Scenario 3 Girl: "Well you paid for the movie tickets so I will buy the popcorn and drinks." Me: "Yup. Then you'll just owe me $12.50 for the ticket." Girl: "He he." Me: "No, Seriously. Get change, I'll have to break a twenty." Scenario 4 Girl: "Well I had a great time tonight." Me: "I hope so, you didn't pay for sh*t." Scenario 5 Girl: "I love Italian!" Me: "I prefer Dutch." I bet you don't date much do you? :laugh:Ewwww...that's as declasse as our woman in question. Yuch! I remember dating a guy like this once. I dropped him like a hot potato. A cheap and classless guy is no better than a cheap and classless woman.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 If I invite a girlfriend out, even two, and it's my plan, my idea, I PAY! If H and I invite another couple out to a restaurant of our choosing. WE PAY! I don't understand the problem. Whomever invites the other out, PAYS. I certainly would never invite someone out and not expect to pay. NOR do I invite people over to my home and ask them to bring something. THAT is classless.
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 If I invite a girlfriend out, even two, and it's my plan, my idea, I PAY! If H and I invite another couple out to a restaurant of our choosing. WE PAY! I don't understand the problem. Whomever invites the other out, PAYS. I certainly would never invite someone out and not expect to pay. NOR do I invite people over to my home and ask them to bring something. THAT is classless. Totally agree with this. That's exactly the way I was brought up. I was also brought up with the idea that you NEVER show up at someone's house without bringing something. It amazes me how many people don't follow that nice bit of etiquette. HINT (to some of you): Even if the host/ess says not to bring anything...bring something. It's the polite thing to do.
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