Ingenue Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 For those of you who don't know my story, the Cliff notes version is that I was dumped by email after 5 years together with a man. He told me the spark had died and blah blah blah. Anyways, I wrote back an email stating that I deserved at least a phone call and my ex replied that he would eventually but he was emotionally unstable to do so because it was such a difficult situation for him. I implement strict NC and don't bother with the phone call. Fast forward to 5 months of NC and we speak, to sort of have a closure conversation. It goes well but I still feel sad and have a huge cathartic cry. I feel amazingly good about myself and moving on. A month later, we speak again for about 6 hours, really hash things out, and then the following day we speak again for another 2 hours. He apologises for treating me so poorly. In those last 6 + 2 hour conversations, my ex told me he's now in love with a new woman after 6 months of dating her. He met her before he broke up with me and asked her out 7 days after he dumped me. My ex and I (or so I thought) always had a very open and honest relationship. When he told me that he was emotionally unstable and having a difficult go and that was why he couldn't speak to me, I believed him. But after speaking to him, I realised that it wasn't because he was emotionallly unstable as to why he couldn't speak to me. It was because he was asking his new ladyfriend out, exactly 1 day after writing that email to me stating he was emotionally unstable. Whether or not he cheated on me, I'll never know. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe his time line that he asked her out a week after dumping me, but it clearly meant that he and his new lady friend had enough meaningful conversations for him to know she was datable material. While my story isn't as severe as some of the people on LS, I still feel betrayed by the lie. It would have been better if he had told me at the time of the break up that he met somebody else and wanted to explore that relationship, rather than lie to me that he wasn't emotionally stable and too devasted to speak to me on phone. That is what I find offensive. I find it offensive that I was on the floor crying night after night in those 7 days and wasn't eating, and trying to pick up the pieces of my life and he had so little respect for me that wouldn't give me a phone call because he was too busy pursuing his new lady friend. When I found out this new tidbit of information a few nights ago, I was devasted all over again. It certainly didn't help that he said he loved me and he still thought of me and dreamed of me. I feel betrayed, as little a thing as this is because I am so trusting. I know that I must harnass the power of forgiveness to move on. I don't want to hate somebody forever because he either does not know better or is inconsiderate. In forgiving him, I am letting go. In forgiving him, I am trying to be a better person than he is. In forgiving him, I am releasing that power he had over me. For those who have experienced that sense of betrayal and have forgiven your exes, do you believe you can be friends if you have truly forgiven someone? I am not a doormat, but I am not going to allow anger to fester in me until it destroys the goodness that is in me. I will not allow this man and the way he has treated me, to tear me down anymore.
Zapbasket Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Hi Ingenue, I'm glad you got the truth, but I'm sorry the truth was otherwise than what your ex professed it to be. That must hurt immeasurably. Don't focus on forgiving him right now. Forgiveness will come--it's not something you can force within yourself. It's perfectly reasonable for you to be angry and so you should let yourself feel this emotion. While you're feeling it, take a good hard look at what it might be teaching you--about what you want from future relationships, what emotional "leftovers" from previous relationships tracing all the way back to your childhood you might have skulking around in that anger. Allowing yourself to feel the anger is cleansing, and enables you to enter the forgiveness and letting-go phase very genuinely and naturally. If you really let your anger have its time in the spotlight, you won't stay in that angry place for long. Anger festers only when we don't pay attention to what it has to say. As for whether you can be friends after experiencing a betrayal like that: I don't think that should be your concern right now, either. Sometimes a friendship can come out of a broken love relationship, and sometimes not--there's no way to control it either way. You need to concentrate, right now, on what is best for YOU and YOUR feelings. Forget about the ex. Love him, yearn for him all you want...but don't consider his needs, and especially not over yours. I didn't suffer a betrayal quite like yours--my ex didn't start up with someone else while still in a relationship with me--but I did feel betrayed that he ended our 5-year relationship allowing for NO discussion, no hashing out; when I pleaded with him to talk, he told me to get lost. I know I'd never have ended our relationship the way he did. I felt so degraded and betrayed. He called me a couple of months ago after having not contacted me once since the breakup (nearly 2 years ago), and left a message saying he was "just calling to say hi" and wanted to know "whether we could talk in the near future." It was hard not to call him back, but something in me wouldn't let me call him back and risk feeling degraded all over again. I never returned his call, and not that some time has passed, I think I made the right decision. I don't see how we can really be friends after the way things ended. I do still care for him very much, but I care for myself and my current partner more. Maybe one day far away from now, we could be friends...but while I'm still healing and redesigning a whole new life for myself, contact with him without a real discussion of what brought about the demise of our relationship will only hold me back, and hurt.
EmperorR Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I have forgiven my ex, but I won't be friends with someone who cheated on me dumped me and wasn't remorseful.
Author Ingenue Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Greencove - technically my ex didn't start seeing another woman while in a relationship with me. He just met her and then asked her out 7 days after dumping me. I'm prone to believe his timeline. But your break-up method was similar to mine, eerily in fact. We both dated our exes for 5 years and got dumped in really lousy ways. I am thankful that my ex at least was willing to engage in an email dialogue with me and offered phone call at a later point. That aside, you're quite right that I absolutely need to be selfish and do things I want to do to complete my healing. On the whole I'm feeling really good about myself, despite the difficult last few days. The less I focus in on anger, the less angry I am myself. EmperorR - that's a good point. My ex didn't technically cheat and he does have remorse for the deplorable way he broke up with me. He actually repeatedly apologised to me the other night, acknowledged the hurt and pain he caused and I even saw a tear or two come out of his eye. I still don't know whether we can be friends. It's a difficult situation and with our history, most say it's unlikely that we can be friends.
orangehose Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 Wow, that is definitely a lousy way to break up with someone - setting up the next relationship (though not technically embarking on it) while still in another one. He wasn't man enough to break it off without having a backup plan. I thought only 19 year old girls did that! Honestly, Ingenue, I'd be VERY angry if I were you. I think that's perfectly understandable. A friendship, if at all possible, may take years to develop. I kinda think you'll have to let a looooot of time pass (given the length of the relationship), maybe be in a new solid relationship yourself and completely in love with your new partner, and then maybe it wouldn't kill to hear from the ex and his life every now and then. For now, I think both forgiveness and friendship are a bit too ambitious.
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