mytruelove Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 no contact was broken with mine since almost two weeks. called him this morning. told him that we needed to resolve some things that i had a lot of anger, hurt, and fear. he asked what i possibly had to be afraid of? i told him of losing him from my life. i told him how i felt disrespected and discounted. that it wasn't fair that he was treating me like nothing and the other women in his life that have hurt him. he said that he tried telling me and being nice, but he finally lost it because he didn't think i was getting that he wanted to be by himself. i told him i didn't get it because i haven't done or asked anything more of him than i always have. he's the one that changed not me. he said everything he had to say, i said "well, this isn't about you. it's about me and i think i deserve some of your time" he said basically that he did not want a relationship, but he was okay with friendship. i told him well, my friends would treat me better and that it sounded to me like he wanted nothing at all. i asked him if he was prepared to lose me completely from his life and at that point he hung up the phone on me.
Geishawhelk Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Well there's your answer.... .....And now.... Back to NC.
jj33 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Im sorry to hear that. You must be very hurt right now. All this time hoping that when he left you would be together only to find he has finally left and he wants to be alone. As much as it hurts it is his decision, just like it is any person's decision to end a relationship. It sounds like he has been trying to get his message across but you have been hoping you could make him feel differently. He doesnt. And in this case I would assume his we can be friends is a polite way of saying dont rely on me for anything right now. When people say that at the end of a relationshp that doesnt mean you can expect the same things of them you can expect of a real friend. I understand its a real blow after everything you have been through together. But now you have closure and can face the task of moving forward. Post all that you need to but unfortunately you have to accept his decision.
Author mytruelove Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 jj33, your right about the friends thing and i wasn't falling for it or letting him off so easily...that's why i said to him that my friends treat me better and that it sounds to me like he doesn't want anything at all after he said three times that he wanted to be friends.... i think that's why he hung up...not falling for that one...grrr. and yes, i'm hurt. i'm determined to tell him exactly how i'm feeling though. i'm not going to let him be a coward and not deal with it. i've switched from it being all about him to it being about me now. question though? do you think that i'm on self-defeating mission to make sure that i get the period put on this relationship and drive it into the ground because of my own insecurites? , to the point that i am destroying it myself? i know there is a fine line if i keep pushing, yet i seem determined ??? or is it healthy that i want to make sure he knows how he has affected me? just trying to understand.
LakesideDream Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Sorry you had to go through that excersize. I understand the guys feelings though. Your SM doesen't watch Oprah or Dr. Phil. He doesen't know that they have made "closure" important in todays world. He thought he could just tell you the truth and be done with it. Often in relationships men are not concerned with "closure". They don't care about being "disrespected", don't feel discounted, are not angry or hurt in an important way. Dating relationships are not serious long term relationships with committments. They go away when things aren't working out or one or the other person finds someone they like better.
jj33 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Unfortunately you are on a self defeating mission. If it makes you feel better you can keep trying but he has made it clear he isnt interested in discussing it. Im not sure there is anything that hurts more than being so terribly hurt and finding the person you so love just doesnt care to engage. Its very painful. But I think you may have misinterpreted the its about me not him. He is done with the relationship. So he no longer has any obligation to listen to grievances etc. hes done. At the same time you need to process your feelings. But you dont have his attention for that. You cant MAKE him listen you cant MAKE him apologise. You cant MAKE him do anything - including pick up the phone to speak to you. And that hurts so so badly. The one thing you can do is post, go to counseling anything to process your feelings and move past this. But you dont have any right to expect him to be involved in the process. You may have some emotional right to expect it, but it looks like your expectations will not be met.
wildsoul Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I completely agree with jj33! (Tough love alert) Way back when, you reported he told you he wanted time alone. We all told you that meant he wasn't wanting you to be his girlfriend. Still, you persisted, hoping that if you were patient enough, loving enough, gave him space enough, that it might be a temporary phase. Now, he's being even more clear, as you didn't take the hint. He just broke up with you. Ouch! Do NOT be more of an emotional masochist than you already have been! Seriously, do not go back. When someone dumps you, the best thing to do is move on with your head held high. Going back to emotionally push his buttons is NOT going to yield the result you want of either hurting him or getting him to want you back. All it's going to do is trigger him to get even more agressive with you! Please, do not put yourself through that! Walk away with your head held high. You have some grieving to do, but you'll heal from it. Don't go back for round 3 of getting dumped by him. Let it go. You've got other friends. You don't need him as a friend. You need to heal from the break up.
2sure Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Mytruelove - I have read all of your posts since you started, I have followed your threads. Its sad, which is typical for a situation like this - but sadder still because I have seen a pattern to your posts that I think only now you are realizing yourself... Even when you first started posting you would take the MM words to you, and redefine them. At one point it seemed like you were going to push what was best for him because you knew and he didnt. It seemed as though your feelings for him made you think you needed to show him that you were best for him in spite of his actions to the contrary. You have stepped back from the situation at this point, and a good thing too. It is possible that should your contact continue - this MM may begin to feel threatened.
Author mytruelove Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 thanks all for your replies. a very good point is that i don't need him as a friend. i struggle with that a lot because remaining friends no matter what was a big condition on which we began our affair and up until this point we both never crossed the boundaries of that. we always remained respectful, curtious, responsive to each other, and supportive. it was only after his breakup with the ex- girlfriend that he crossed the line to disrespect and treating me badly. i can't figure the resent contempt with which he is treating me, but i know that as i observed him going through 3 break ups now he as always become very depressed and hateful of the world especially women and he has always shut down to the extreme - becoming very spiteful of women and always stating he will NEVER get involved again. i've seen this attitude after all of his break-ups, but never took it personally as it was not directed at me. i do take it personally now though because, as i told him, i am not them and i am not just another woman. the only thing i can figure is that maybe in some way he blames me for the breakup? the other thing that i struggle with is that communication has ALWAYS been key to our relationship. we've had plenty of rough patches in the past 9 years and we have always communicated our way out of them to always come back stronger and closer. so, of course, this makes me want us to be able to talk through this also. i still have some hope we will be able to do this eventually, if not now. i always hold out hope. i'm not so good at detaching from his moods anymore as i was before. anyway, i know i have to let this go also, but i want to keep trying kwim? i've definitely backed off and will give him space. i really want an apology from him though. i know i can't make him do this and i'm really not willing to pretend that his recent treatment of me is okay- it's not- and in some ways i feel good about the fact that i'm not pretending it is even if it means sacrificing the relationship. it not easy to take a stand for yourself and it is scary. i think i just have to have faith that what is meant to be will be and that better days are ahead. he will have a really hard time regaining my trust again though. my heart is very guarded now. 2sure - thanks for following my posts and thanks for your support and insight - he's single though, not married it is very sad that things are the way they are now and it does hurt - thanks.
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