Lying and an affair....should I stay?

[lostmymind]

Try to make this as short as possible....

Married for 12 years with two children, 8 and 9

 

Our sex life is horrible. For the entire marriage, he has had an extremely low libido. We got married when I was 21 and he was 29. He can go 2-3 weeks without sex. I wouldn't mind 1-2 per week. He has chosen watching TV over me in a negligee more than once. Pretty bitter pill to swallow whe you think your husband isn't physically attracted to you. Even more difficult is the fact that I don't seem to have a problem attracting attention from other men. Why doesn't he want me?

 

 

I have always been supportive of him and his goals....I have moved all over the country with him for his career. Always have a good dinner on the table, stroke his ego...help him when he needs it, I leave lipstick kisses on the bathroom mirror and little love you notes in his luggage when he goes on trips. He travels 2-3 weeks out of every month with his job so it has been a struggle, but I have accepted it and actually enjoy quiet time.

 

I appreciate it when he is home and take advantage of the time we have together when he is here. I'm not perfect, but he's got a pretty good situation, I think.

 

I have caught my H in lies several times over the course of our marriage. Some more serious than others....things like going to a strip club (full nudity), steroid use, getting in a fight while on a business trip, going with a single buddy with two women to their apartment to play pool, etc....

 

When I questioned him about these things, mainly the steroids and the fight, he vehemently denied it and was so good at lying that he had me convinced I was crazy so I dropped it.

Later I found that he had lied and I was right all along.

 

3 years ago, I caught him on a phone call...I could hear a womans voice over his phone and he said it was a wrong #. I knew it wasnt because she called him by name and when he said it was a wrong number she said "oh crap..call me later".

 

After 15 minutes of denial he finally fessed up when I told him I was going to check cell phone records online. They had been talking for over 10 months sometimes for two hours at a time. Lots of texting also. She was a massage therapist that he had been going to in another city while he was on business trips.

 

We went to counseling, things seemed to be better...I was rebuilding trust. Then on another bus. trip, I tried contacting him from 7:00 at night until 2:30 in the morning. It was very unusual since he always calls before he goes to bed and several times through the evening. When he finally called me at 2:30, he said he had gone out to eat, gone to bed early and didn't hear his phone ring. (which, by the way he uses as his alarm clock) So he didn't hear a phone sitting two feet away from his head...the same phone he uses as his wake up call???

 

The following month I get his bus credit card statement and find a bill for $50.00 + at a restaurant/bar. I find that $50.00 is a lot for one person for dinner...this is not an upscale place. And he isn't allowed to charge alcohol on it so this was strictly food.

 

Anyways...needless to say, I feel that he is back to his old ways. I asked for a divorce three weeks ago. He went into panic mode and has suddenly become husband of the year.

 

Back to counseling....now he is going to a weekly bible study, wanting to spend every waking moment with me (which is making me feel trapped). I, on the other hand have lost my da*n mind and have started drinking on the weekend and just wanting to be anywhere but home with him.

 

Sometimes even spending the night with my friend instead of going home.

 

I know this isn't a good way to help the situation, but I don't know how to stop this spiral.

 

I am tired of being the good girl, the responsible one, the one home waiting and wondering all the time. Now I feel guilted into sticking around to try to work things out since I have been the "party girl" as he calls it for the past 2-3 months. And he has told several people at church about what I have been doing (the drinking and going out) so now I feel like the black sheep.

 

If/when I do leave they will all say that it was my fault because I started drinking and going to a bar. Not every weekend, but 1-2 a month...still not a good thing, I know. I really feel like a two year-old throwing a temper tantrum. Or a caged animal now.

 

My main question is.....Am I justified in leaving him due to the affair and lies, or am I looking for excuses because I am unhappy. Am I being selfish??? Or am I being a pushover and falling for his only recent attempts to make this marriage work?

 

Why do I have this need to go out to clubs and drink more than I ever used to? Am I losing it???

[jwi71]

What do you want? Do you want to divorce? Or do you want to work on the M?

 

His behavior certainly isn't ideal and you insinuate he is having an affair. Is he? What do you KNOW. Not, what do you "think" or what you "guess" or what looks true - what do you KNOW. Factually. What do you know?

 

If he is having an EA and/or PA, would you WANT to work on the M?

 

It all comes down to what you know and what you want. And, ending where I began, what do you want?

[lostmymind]

His behavior certainly isn't ideal and you insinuate he is having an affair. Is he? What do you KNOW. Not, what do you "think" or what you "guess" or what looks true - what do you KNOW. Factually. What do you know?

 

 

I know that he had at the minimum and EA with this woman-that he admitted to. He claims no intimate contact, so I don't know about that part. 10 months is an awful long time to have an emotional connection with someone but have no physical contact, but I guess it's possible. I want to leave, but contrary to my recent actions (drinking) I am a christian and believe in the vows that I took. I also know that I don't have to accept an affair...even if it was just emotional. I guess I am trying to hold things together for the sake of our kids and I really don't want to put them through the pain of divorce. Also, it would hurt us both financially, but we would be fine...just to imagine starting over and dating (ugh) is very scary to me. So i don't know if not knowing what the future holds if we do divorce is what is keeping me here. Also, he has made a great effort since I told him I wanted a divorce, but this has come after 11 years of telling him we need to work on things or it is going to fall apart. Now that I am pretty much "done", he is trying. I give him credit for doing so, but I have been in a lot of pain for many years. It has killed a lot of the feelings I had for him. Now I feel more pity for him and I am feeling very guilty for my recent behavior....going to clubs, drinking. My head tells me to stop going, but when the opportunity presents itself to go out, I literally jump on it and would move mountains to make it possible for me to go out. Only now that I am ready to leave has he decided to play a part in working on out marriage. It's been pretty one-sided up until now. Old saying....it's too little too late. I wish I knew what the right thing to do was. He is making changes in his life now, but I am unsure that I can overcome the years of pain that I have been through. And me acting out like a 22 year old club-jumper makes me feel ashamed and guilty. Definately not brining out the best in me....

[Mr. Lucky]

Also, he has made a great effort since I told him I wanted a divorce, but this has come after 11 years of telling him we need to work on things or it is going to fall apart. Now that I am pretty much "done", he is trying. I give him credit for doing so, but I have been in a lot of pain for many years. It has killed a lot of the feelings I had for him.

You two seem like ideal candidates for MC. I'm sure I don't have to point out the contradiction in spending 11 years hoping your H would change and then dismissing the change when it occurs . The structured communication counseling brings would help you deal with many issues you face, including your accurate assessment that drinking and hanging in bars will not make things better. Obviously, you have your kids to consider too...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lostmymind]

Yes, we have been in counseling off and on for three years, right after the affair. And I do understand how contradictory it is by dismissing his efforts to work things out.

 

What my issue is is that I have asked him to help work on our intimacy issues and communication problems for many years. Even after working through the affair, our sex life and communication was very poor. I continued to see the counselor off and on after the initial 6 months after the affair. More for a "tune up" when things got hard for me and I needed a little extra push to get my emotions in check when I started to think about the affair again. Usually one session was all it took.

 

Point is, I don't expect him to change who he is...but work with me in trying to work things out in the marriage instead of expecting me to do it all. Also, I have told the counselor about the drinking...she of course agrees-not a good idea. Says that since this is uncharacteristic of me that I am in a sort of self-destruct mode (which I can understand). Says there is a lot of hurt and anger and that I have a lot of resentment.

 

She is also a bit disappointed that after us seeing her off and on for 3 years and him knowing that we had a lot of work to do, that he only just now is attempting to help me work on things. She said it's a pretty common response when a spouse asks for a divorce for the other to miraculously start making an effort. It's also common to be resentful that it took talk of divorce to encourage someone to change.

 

So, I understand that I am being contradictory....I am very confused myself about it all. In the course of two weeks he has turned into husband of the year. My concern is that it is a short term effort in an attempt to get my mind off of divorce. I was hoping in the past that he would want to work on the marriage to have a better marriage-not to just avoid divorce. Does that make sense?

[jwi71]

It also perfectly normal - just like your T (therapist) said. You are NOT alone in those feelings. There are some readily identifiable stages of the process. No, I won't tell you and hope no one here does - ask your T or look it it up. Consider it homework.

 

As for going forward, try. I disagree with you that people are incapable of change. Look at yourself and your recent actions - you changed. So can he.

The problem is he has to want it. He has to be ready. And maybe he is. You won't know unless you try.

 

So here is my advice:

1) Stop drinking. Stop going out to "those places".

2) Change MC to another T. And both of you go.

3) Do one thing each week just for him. And he must reciprocate. I don't care if its buy a card at the store on the way home. Do it.

4) Speak openly, honestly and candidly to him about your feelings. Tell no lies. Ever.

5) Never utter the word "divorce"

6) Forget the past. It can only hurt you if YOU let it.

7) Reach out to the world (friends, family, coworkers, etc). Tell of his EA and seek support for yourself and him.

8) Allow HIM to be angry and disappointed with YOU. His feelings are valid too.

 

Its ok to be confused and scared. Its ok to be unsure of what you want.

What you must do is work towards the future. And I hope you walk the path of reconciliation.

[Mr. Lucky]

So here is my advice:

1) Stop drinking. Stop going out to "those places".

2) Change MC to another T. And both of you go.

3) Do one thing each week just for him. And he must reciprocate. I don't care if its buy a card at the store on the way home. Do it.

4) Speak openly, honestly and candidly to him about your feelings. Tell no lies. Ever.

5) Never utter the word "divorce"

6) Forget the past. It can only hurt you if YOU let it.

7) Reach out to the world (friends, family, coworkers, etc). Tell of his EA and seek support for yourself and him.

8) Allow HIM to be angry and disappointed with YOU. His feelings are valid too.

Lostmymind, I hope you can take the above to heart. Especially #6, as many that participate in counselling want to use it as a forum to decide who was right or wrong back in 2004. You'd both have to agree to go forward from here and be accountable starting today.

 

That's a big challenge that not everyone can handle. Can you? Can your Husband?

 

Mr. Lucky