LovieDove24 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I met this guy online a couple of months ago and we have been talking/emailing ever since. Over this time I've found that we have A LOT in common. We both have young children so it wasnt until about a week ago we were able to have our first date. Well, mildly put it was a great date with an awesome kiss at the end where sparks flew. That was Friday night, and since then I've had this nagging urge to want to "define" what it is I feel for him. I think I am overanalyzing things here, after all it was only our first date. I sorta feel that now that I have my daughter the stakes of dating are much higher. But I also feel like I've had it set in my head that I was happy being alone.. I was in the stage of recovery from my last (horrible) breakup (of over a year ago) that I didnt WANT a man OR a relationship. And now I feel like...ugh...I WANT to keep talking, seeing and hanging out with this new guy. It makes me feel like maybe I'm taking a few steps backwards from my prior state of independence. I do admit that thinking like that though could push away something that could be great. Is there any advice on how to date/have a relationship after the recovery of a very bad one? I dont want to overanalyze and hope for something but I also dont want to just push everything away for the sake of "complete" independence. As you can tell I'm very conflicted:eek:!!
movingonandon Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I met this guy online a couple of months ago and we have been talking/emailing ever since. Over this time I've found that we have A LOT in common. We both have young children so it wasnt until about a week ago we were able to have our first date. Well, mildly put it was a great date with an awesome kiss at the end where sparks flew. That was Friday night, and since then I've had this nagging urge to want to "define" what it is I feel for him. I think I am overanalyzing things here, after all it was only our first date. I sorta feel that now that I have my daughter the stakes of dating are much higher. But I also feel like I've had it set in my head that I was happy being alone.. I was in the stage of recovery from my last (horrible) breakup (of over a year ago) that I didnt WANT a man OR a relationship. And now I feel like...ugh...I WANT to keep talking, seeing and hanging out with this new guy. It makes me feel like maybe I'm taking a few steps backwards from my prior state of independence. I do admit that thinking like that though could push away something that could be great. Is there any advice on how to date/have a relationship after the recovery of a very bad one? I dont want to overanalyze and hope for something but I also dont want to just push everything away for the sake of "complete" independence. As you can tell I'm very conflicted:eek:!! Ah, it is hard to believe that there is a woman out there that's unsure of what she wants ! Anyway, after one date is it way too early for you to overanalyse. Moreeover, coming off a break up and presumably long term relationship, chances are that you indeed have no idea what you want from partners and relationships (simply because you've not thought about this for so long.) Take it one date at a time. And then reanalyse after some time. I'm in a similar situation, and this makes things a lot easier. Moreover, I told all this (that I'm probably not looking for anything serious right now, after a looong relationship and rpeakup) the girl I'm dating, and she's handling it very well: i.e. she's pretty distant and even kind of aloof, and it begins to work in her favor, since I'm getting attached to her (though not to the point where i'd consider calling this more than a fling, at least not yet) BUT: i'm not saying that this would work the other way around!!! Finally, quit whining: if you want complete independence, don't date, or make it clear upfront that you're only looking for casual hookups (most men would LOVE this). If not, remember that relaitonship by definition means interdependence and vulnerability, duh
carhill Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Focus on developing healthy inter-dependence. Kinda a mix of independence and dependence. Can you imagine, as a father with a young child(ren), he might feel exactly the same way? *cough* communication *cough* Accept date number two and take it from there, one date at a time. No rush
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Quit whining... I'm not. Just trying to gain perspective.
edinsvet Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Just sleep with him and get that out of the way then see how you feel. (And use protection)
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 Edinsvet, you're kidding right? I've been on one date with him. I think that would royally f' things up. Don't you?
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 Focus on developing healthy inter-dependence. Kinda a mix of independence and dependence. Thanks carhill. I like this advice. I know it seems common sense but I've honestly never experienced a 'grown up' relationship like this. To be honest, coming from the family I did (two alcoholic parents) I had a terrible habit of becoming CO-dependent instead of interdependent. I believe quite a bit of my current mental conflict is me realizing I want and need to break away from that cycle.
movingonandon Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Just sleep with him and get that out of the way then see how you feel. (And use protection) :laugh: I have a similar policy when trying to decide how I feel about a girl: j*** off, and then observe myself and see if I still want to call her afterwards. 60% of the time, it works every time
edinsvet Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Yeah I would say go on at least another date or two. Then sleep with him
edinsvet Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I can't think of a better way to get acquainted
carhill Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 OP, could you describe your sexual/emotional response cycle? I think, if you are to follow such advice regarding "sleeping with him", it would be good to verbalize how you experience such contact and its effect on your emotional and spiritual center. We're all different in that regard.
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 My emotional response to sex? I get more attached than I would (or maybe even should) otherwise. Doesnt every woman? If its with a guy I already care for, it makes me feel even THAT many more feelings for him. I'll even go as far as to say it makes me feel in love with someone even if it is just sex. Also having sex makes me feel VERY vulnerable.
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