Your ex's life vs yours

[iwanttolive]

Do you sometimes think that your ex lives a more fabulous life than yours? I do. Seems that he's the lucky one, i'm the loser one. He lives a high life, I live a drab dull life. He has everything going for him while my world is crashing down on me. What do I do?????

[hereandnow]

I thought the same thing for a few weeks. Then I figured it out. I'm the one who decides how fabulous or drab my life gets to be. I had already been going out a lot to try and regain my sanity (not on dates but with friends) but for some reason it seemed that my ex gf was going out and doing things that were much more interesting than I was. And it's not like I'm mad at her or anything, I still care about her deeply, but it felt like some kind of competition.

 

So, anyway, I decided to turn all that around. I've started writing a novel. I plan on purchasing a Harley in the next few weeks. I'm the one who decides how interesting my life is. It really has opened my eyes some. These things I'm doing now were motivated by my breakup. I do believe I leaned too much on the relationship and quit doing things for myself. Time to get back in touch with me.

 

P.S. I am looking forward to my ex seeing me on the bike though!

[Woggle]

My ex lives such a pitiful life right now that I have even started to feel sorry for her. I know I live a better life.

[badbrit]

You always imagine the ex has a better life after and if they have done the dumping logic states they will be happier for a while because they are following a path of their choosing and are not going to be feeling an immense loss as the dumped party will. However it does not matter what someone else is doing as you can only lead your own life and the only thing affecting your life after splitting is what you do and how you lead it. After a while things level out and you just become two people living lives and one will have a better life than the other, same as your life may be better or worse than your neighbour or work colleague. You are two seperate people.

 

That being said, it does feel good when you go on to have a better life. In short I was with my ex for 6 years, I was madly in love and tried my best but she has issues too many to mention or at least explain in depth - depressive, selfish, uncompromising, lazy (and i mean MAJOR MAJOR untidy), untidy, strange skewed way of thinking and living, no prospects, no ambition, dishonest, no compassion, no effort made and her issues are not just with me but are who she is, how she lives, how she has always been and how she will always be. However I did love her and it was not all negative. We have a three year old son together, live in a small town and so are in very regular contact and being a small town are very aware of what the other one is doing with life, how they are living etc etc.

 

Well when she did the dumping, for the second time early this year I was distraught, I would have died for this girl. I went on a party spree and slept around loads, went out with mates, hobbies, friends, family (I have two other children) - you name it, I did it but of course it was a front as I was struggling to function inside.

 

She on the other hand was living it up and it was real enjoyment (i know her very very well - moods, smiles, looks, attitude) and started seeing a married man, was out all the time, passing our son over to her mum often (refused to allow me overnights) and was living this great life. It was like life carried on as it always had for her and I was watching my life happen but without me in it (we hung out with her brother and partner lots when together and went places that she continued to after we split). She did not ever look like she had any regrets at all.

 

Wind forward to today, eight months after our split. She lives in scruffy, small rented accomodation, struggles for money as she does not work and goes on on Saturday nights to party but other times is lounging at home bored, seeing various men and one nighters but nothing special (even moaned about having no one, no partner), she does nothing all day, she sits at home chatting on facebook or watching TV in the evening, has no prospects, no real life and that is who she is. Life for her improves superficially for a while then sinks again to massive lows.

 

On the other hand i have slowly gone through the processes and today own my home (beautiful, stunning home it is too), I have my business still but have come out of the fog and am working well at it like I havent for years as I was so mentally beat for years as I was losing my family and couldnt stop it no matter how much I tried. I am back to my old sport and the fittest I have ever been, I have lots of friends, I have all my children (including our shared one) staying two - three nights a week, I go out and party on Saturdays if I want and I have a gorgeous new partner who lives with me and is the most amazing woman and great with my kids, great with me and magnifyed what a disaster the ex is.

 

I have a great present, a constantly improving future, I have success professionally again, I have my kids around me, I have the warmth of a family life with laughter and joy, I have a great new partner, I have friends, I am happy and I am doing very well. Simply - my life has always been good and the only time I was a little bit crazy, acted strange or was not a good person was when I was with the ex. I was good and lived well and properly before I was with her and since she left me. She had a bad life before me and since me.

 

It does give me some satisfaction that the chances are that my life will always be better than hers but being a traditional bitter dumped person I do wish she would have regrets, which she doesnt. Not because I would ever want her back, it would just give me extra satisfaction if she thought, "Oppps, oh no" because I spent years trying everything to make it work for her, sacrificed myself, did everything for her and was in constant inner pain knowing it meant nothing. In reality it meant nothing because she was not in love with me and that is also why no matter what life throws at her she will never regret because the love was not there.

 

That final part is what everyone needs to learn. Without two way love, there is nothing

[hereandnow]

Wow, great post badbrit, inspirational. I sure hope I come back on here to post something similar once I'm through the rabbit hole.

[CaliGuy]

Do you sometimes think that your ex lives a more fabulous life than yours? I do. Seems that he's the lucky one, i'm the loser one. He lives a high life, I live a drab dull life. He has everything going for him while my world is crashing down on me. What do I do?????

 

I used to. But then I realized I've simply been blessed in different ways. Comparing yourself to others is a recipe for disaster as far as your confidence goes.

 

Benjamin Franklin has a great quote for this: "A man who loves himself will have no rivals."

 

Think about that for a bit.

[IcemanJB]

I agree that it always seems that the ex's life is going better than ours. But you know what? They probably think the same thing about us. Actually, the last time I talked to my ex (over 3 weeks ago since I did NC), she assumed I was pretty much over it because of how I was getting along with everything! Not even close to true...I was still hurting big time which is why I did NC. I also was convinced she had completely moved on, but judging by her actions around me (and the fact she admitted it), she wasn't nearly over it either. So this whole front we put on either on purpose or without thinking, is just that: a front.

 

That's great whoever said your life is only as good as you make it. Honestly I'm starting to care less and less what my ex does with her life, it is HERS afterall. Mine is MINE. Every day I feel myself getting stronger/wiser/more confident. It's great!

[DSM-IV Tom]

The grass is always greener, yeah?

 

All I know is I'd give my life for my ex's. I seriously would take a bullet if that bullet meant she'd never be sad again.

[EmperorR]

I used to think that, knowing my ex is a math wiz will probably be a professor mAke more money than Me but I'm over that. My ex is filled with Inner demons a stressful life and is about 40k in debt.