jc Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I just posted this as a response to another thread, but thought I'd start a new one on the topic because I really am curious about how many other people on LS feel this way: Is it normal to be so worried about being alone and single? Is this a typical response to loss? Is it typical to feel so fearful of being alone again? I've been having these worries A LOT since my boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. What if I never meet the right person? What if I never get my chance to get married and have kids? What if I'm always single? Part of me knows that this can't possibly be true...I will meet someone again, I won't be alone forever, but often it doesn't FEEL that way. And these thoughts are terrible because they don't make me feel any better, they make me feel a hundred times worse, so I don't know why I engage with these thoughts, it just seems to feed the fear. Are there other people out there who are coping with similar feelings?
Mending1985 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I feel that way pretty often. I worry about never finding the "one" and that my ex WAS "the one" and I ruined it etc. I think it's normal so long as you don't begin to obsess about it. You sound like you can rationalise those thoughts, so you're doing better than me
quankanne Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 it hit hardest when I was in high school – I was a bookworm, didn't really go to weekend dances or date like my classmates, though i had friends. College was a lot better because my best friend pool quadrupled (from my girlfriend in HS to the three more I made in college). It got better as I got older and became more comfortable in my own skin. Not that it *completely* went away, but in the sense that I realized I could handle a single life as well as I could being partnered.
Author jc Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 I probably should have mentioned in this thread that these are not new feelings for me...They were feelings that came up for me very strongly with my last break up. Before I met my current ex (seven months ago), I was just beginning to really feel comfortable being on my own (finally!), and then this wonderful person just sort of fell into my lap and we started this great relationship. Now that's all at an end (very unexpectedly, he pretty much just 'does not know what he wants' and 'needs space' etc., and I'm not expecting him to come back) and here I am struggling with these same feelings all over again. I'm scared! I thought I had met the person that I would be spending my life with (we had been talking about getting engaged), and now here I am, alone again, single again, starting over and it all feels like a very familiar, but bad dream:( I want to banish these thoughts and feelings from my mind and just be the happy, strong girl that everyone seems to expect me to be, like many of my friends who say I should be happy to be on my own (easy for them to say since they are all, save one, in secure, committed relationships!)
LiveandLearn Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I think the majority of people feel that way or have felt that way. I know I do. I've separated from my husband who I've been with for 6 years (married for 5 months). And the first thought that pops in my head is that I'll never find another person that just "gets me". I believe we tend to feel this way because we spend a large amount of our time with a certain person for so long you develop routines with this person. and when that finally ends, you just feel at a lost. You forget how to be by yourself. It's like you've had your arm amputated and now you have to learn how to live with only one arm. It's definitely do-able, but will take a lot of getting use to.
PinkToes Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 So what would happen in the off chance that you never meet the right person, never get married and have kids, and remain single all of your life? What would happen is that you would be OK; your life would not be a dismal and miserable failure. Lots of people live perfectly happy and fulfilling single lives -- even if that wasn't their first choice. I have two friends in their 40s who are single, and they used to feel exactly the way you do. But as they got older, they realized they were not only very, very happy -- they also would not be able to live the lives they were living if they had spouses and kids. But, that reailization and contentment didn't come until they had both conquered their fear of being alone. I have another friend who met her husband within weeks of the day she decided she'd be just fine if she never married! When I was very young, my mom used to tell me that "anyone can get married anytime they want, if they set their sights low enough." She had a great marriage, but she always said marriage should never be a goal on its own, because it would be too easy to settle for the wrong partner. IMO, being married and having kids with the wrong person would be MUCH worse than staying single!
CandyGirlXO Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 When I was very young, my mom used to tell me that "anyone can get married anytime they want, if they set their sights low enough." I tell myself this ALL the time. I hate being alone and single, and it gets me depressed, but I will NOT settle. I have plenty of guys interested in me, calling me, asking me for my number etc... but I am not interested in any of them, so I just keep on going. I will not settle just because at the moment I am lonely. I fear the same thing as the OP, that I will be alone forever, especially since now ALL of my friends are married/engaged/in a LTR. I am the last one, and I never thought in a million years that, that would be me. I am trying so hard to be happy single, but its so hard, especially during this time of year. After V-day, I think it will be a lot easier. I hope!
PinkToes Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Oh yeah -- the Thanksgiving-through-February 15th nightmare! Truthfully, the only times I really hate being single are holidays and when my car breaks down. Or I have to buy a new one. And maybe weddings. Or big family events. But most of the time, I kind of like my space. And when the world seems to be crawling with happy couples, I try to look a little harder for the others: the really young couple pushing a stroller and looking like they would both rather be anywhere else; the couple at the furniture store arguing with each other; the ones who are out together, but look like total strangers. Maybe it's just more difficult at this time of year because we assume everyone else is living that starry-eyed fantasy holiday. It isn't true, but it definitely feels like it sometimes!
CandyGirlXO Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Truthfully, the only times I really hate being single are holidays and when my car breaks down. HAHA yes samehere! Sucks! I do the samething as you with looking at all the couples. Then whenever I am out or at work and hear someone complaining about their b/f or husband, I think thank god I don't have to put up with that $#!+ Everyone might seem happy, but you never know what happens behind closed doors. My mom always told me that.
EmperorR Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I think everyone feels that after a breakup, that you'll be single and alone for ever etc. I know I did.
hopefulInFuture Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I think that becoming a single and losing forever a person you cared about may be very freightening. So it's a normal feeling. But I think these feelings come from the fact that we humans think that we need somebody to be complete, not to feel alone, to feel accomplished in life. Believe me it does not have to be that way. In the end you should not need anyone but yourself to be happy. Don't worry about never meeting the right person. Don't worry about marriage and kids. Would you really want to be married to a person and have kids just for the sake of it? Think about yourself, be happy. Do things that make you happy. I spent most of my life alone because I moved away from my country, from my family when I was 16. I left behind my friends, people I cared about just to find a possibility to study, to work and to become someone... I spent many unhappy years feeling lonely until I understood that what I need is the most is myself. I have friends, I have family who's very distant in miles... But when I want to do something, I don't sit around waiting for somebody to accompany me. Yes, it's true that doing things together with someone is more fun (or can be more fun with the right person), but you can still have fun even when you don't have somebody around. I go to the movies and theature alone if I want to and have nobody around, I go walking and biking and doing other sports when I feel I want to even if I am alone... I am not saying that you should be always alone, all I am saying is that you should be happy even when you are alone. Even if you are alone, simply do the things you love and that make you happy. Please don't wait for anybody to make you happy or you might simply waste your life...
justletgo07 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 It's definitely a normal response. Besides being a shock to the system to lose someone you were so close to, it also is a huge blow to the ego. You start doubting your own attractiveness and sense of self worth. Just remember that there are billions of attractive guys in this world who would be more than happy to date you. It'll get better.
alwayssme Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I feel that way sometimes.. I'm usually the kind of person that meets people and sticks with them, i have known most of my friends for a long time..same goes for my ex...It feels weird to be alone again...i know i have been here before, i was single most of my life lol...so you're right being here again is very familiar. at times it feels good and FREE but regardless i miss my ex...since he's not coming back i wish i had someone but i dont like people easily and i cant force myself to like anyone... so thats the reason why i think im going to be single for a long time..eh! people say "just focus on you" lol so i'll just drown myself in work and school and as many activities as possible...interesting thread.
burning 4 revenge Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Its normal for women, because women generally define themselves by their romantic relationships
johan Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 It's normal. But it's not rational. And while you're feeling that way is probably not the right time to start up a relationship, because you're not seeing things straight. It's not easy to withstand the blow to the ego that comes from having the person you count on and care about most deliver the message that you need to stay out of their life. It's about as bad as having your mother say it. Now you must face the following: 1) maybe no one wants to be with you, and 2) maybe no one ever will want to. If it were true, that would really suck. The natural response is to internalize it by beating yourself up over it. That just means bottling up the fire and fanning the flames with all your crappy isolated thinking. Or else you can rush into another relationship in order to fill the void and believe in yourself again without having to actually think about what happened. Neither is healthy.
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