papabear Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago after 6 ½ years in the relationship (2yrs local, 3 ½yrs long distance, 1yr living together). She is now seeing a new guy at work after several weeks of online chatting at work, happy-hours, spontaneous text and emails since late September. Although there wasn’t anything physical(who knows!), she cheated on me by letting her self develop something new on the side at work. All these developments happened when we were still together. I did suspect something when she returned home at 230am one night from happy hour, but I didn’t have any proof to validate my suspicion. To make a long story short, she dumped me as soon as she realized that this guy likes her too. To add injury to insult in my disappointment, this guy is currently committed in a 4 year relationship and has bought a house together with his gf. I loved my ex very much and we have made plans to marry in 2009. After we broke up, I was heart-broken and very much in pain. It is especially painful for me because I moved from the west coast and found a job close to her on the east coast where she did her masters. I don’t really have any friends locally and never made an effort to make friends at work or otherwise. And worst is that she dumped me for another committed guy—that tells just how much she valued our relationship. I also found out recently that she also fell in love with another married co-worker in 2006 on the west coast, and prior to the current guy, she also flirted heavily with another married man at work. Her friends and family love and adore me; and she herself knows that I am the perfect guy, great job, caring, accommodating, great education, financially secured, and good looking—why the change of heart?? I have now been living in my new apartment for about almost 2 weeks now, but I think about her constantly. I thought about quitting my job on the east coast and return to the west coast, but I know that is unwise given current economic conditions. However, I really don’t see myself staying here for long—I regretted about moving here in the place. I don’t have any trouble getting dates; and a few nice girls I know would love to go out with me, but I don’t have any feeling for them except for my ex. What is wrong with me? What should I do, please help?
CaliGuy Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 What should I do, please help? Having been in similar circumstances to yours, I would say my best advice to you is to follow the link in my email. You need to sever any ties you have to your ex right now. These tips seem to work best to help YOU heal. Remember the focus should be on you and not your ex. 1. Work out. A lot. Every day for at least 45 mins (staves off depression, tones your body, makes you hungry so you can eat - if you are like me and don't eat when heartbroken). 2. Find several new hobbies. Rock climbing, sailing, skydiving. Whatever. If it also faces one of your fears, even better. These are good for the mind as well as rebuiding confidence. 3. Hang out with friends. A lot. You need to be social and not cooped up in the house. 4. Take down all mementos or reminders of your ex, box them up and store them in a place not easily accessible. 5. Remove her from IM, block her emails, change her name in your phone to DO NOT ANSWER. Bottom line is you need to make sure you don't contact her and if she tries to contact you, you have a gentle reminder of what not to do (answer the phone). 6. Get to counseling. I highly recommend it for anyone. It's good to talk to someone who is neutral and has your best interest at heart. It's better to wear a counselor's ear off than your family and friends. 7. Don't let your mind be idle. The less you "do" the more time you will have think about her. 8. Don't date right away but DO go out with women. Whatever you do, don't talk about your ex. Just hang out and have fun. This is also good for the mind and for your confidence. 9. Stick to no contact. The natural reaction is to chase her. All that will do is make her RUN. No, you need to disappear from her life completely. Give her the gift of missing you, hard core. 10. Hang out here on LS. We'll be your no contact buddies. Cheers.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Lmao Caliguy why do I always see you advertising your guide? It's okay though because I do agree with Caliguy in this case. No contact is definitely the best mode of action in my honest opinion.
EmperorR Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Don't rush into dating, it will just make things worse been there trying to get back at my ex to make her jealous ya I was dumb. Go NC and stay it, trust you will start to feel better shortly.
CaliGuy Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Lmao Caliguy why do I always see you advertising your guide? Meh. It worked for me and saves me the trouble of having to repost it all the time.
trueblue72ny Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I agree, just go no contact. Its really your best option. You will see that eventually. The only thing you will have to watch out is if she tries to contact you down the road. That will play havoc with you emotionally. Dont fall for the I want to be friends thing. It only serves to make things easier for herself. You dont want her back man, she dumped you for someone else just like that. Can you be happy with yourself taking her back? Can you ever REALLY trust her again not too do that again? Once a cheater always a cheater. Do yourself a favor and dont look back. & Be thankful you dont work with your ex gf, like I do. I dont hate her, but I have to see her around. After crying for 4 or 5 months I decided to join a gym. It helps me feel better. Still good days and bad days, but its getting better. If I can do it, you can too!
Dexter Morgan Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 take comfort in the fact that if she can swoon a committed guy that some other woman out there will be doing the same thing and he will end up cheating on her when things get boring. What comes around goes around. And it will be coming around for her.
Author papabear Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Thanks for all the advice, I will probably continue to hurt for a while, but I am optimistic about the future when I can totally put this behind me. She told me a while ago after we broke up that her parents were angry with her, but I don’t think she told them about the committed guy she is seeing. Frankly I just don’t think she knows what the hell she is doing. She is making a great mistake by throwing away our future at the drop of a hat for a stupid fling, but ultimately she has to face her own issues and demons. I just hate to be a part of her stupidity when she finally realized how crazy this is. I remembered the times when I broke up with great girls, then only to realize later just how stupid I was. I hate to see her feeling this way in the future, but I have done enough. I did everything for her when we were together; not only did I bring home the bacon, but I also did most the household chores. And after we broke up, I asked her to give me another chance to win her back; she cried her eyes out saying no, then she went out before returning home past 2am. I don’t think I can ever trust her anymore as she returned my love and trust for her with dishonesty and betrayal. More and more I think she needs real medical help. She is really a sick person, and she has to sort out these issues on her own—without me.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 She is making a great mistake by throwing away our future at the drop of a hat for a stupid fling Thats what stupid people do. Just don't be stupid yourself and take her back if she ever comes crying that she made a huge mistake.
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