Trying not to let cynicism get the best of me

[Cherry Blossom 35]

So, I wrote here a little while ago about a new guy. I was worried that the "Facebook Curse" would hit me and he wouldn't ask me out again after adding me to his friends list. Anyway.....no problems there. In fact, there are very few problems, and I don't trust that at all.

 

I'm trying hard to be open and trusting and to just allow myself to feel wanted. I'm trying to stay positive and believe that maybe, just maybe, something could work out for me, but I find myself looking for problems. For example, we were out last night with some friends of mine at our local bar. We've been there a few times now, and he really likes it a lot. So last night he made a comment about how he is glad he found it, that it reminds him of home. Well, I know that he doesn't have a ton of friends here (he's from another country) and I was already worried that maybe he wasn't really interested in me as a partner, but more as a friend. Well then we slept together so that solved that. After the bar comment, I started thinking again, maybe he's here because he likes the bar and my friends, not because he's into me. My friend thinks this is crazy talk.

 

Here are some of the positive signs from him:

 

1. He talks about the future, a lot. He will say stuff like we should try such and such restaurant, or I would like to cook for you. He even mentioned a trip he was taking and asked me if I would like to come along.

 

2. He's about to leave on an extended work trip and he said he's going to miss me. I said well, we can see each other before you leave, and he said I know but I don't want to think about that yet. By the way, he's not a smooth, super charming guy who knows how to say the right things a woman likes to hear. He clearly means it.

 

3. He calls me and wants to see me fairly frequently (but not too much so that it is stifling).

 

4. He asks about my life, growing up, my family.

 

5. He's definitely a girlfriend kind of guy, not a multi-dating kind of guy. I think he may have liked me for a while before asking me out.

 

Why I like him:

 

1. He's cute and has a nice body

 

2. He's really easy to talk to.

 

3. I'm very comfortable with him, which is not usually the case with me. I usually hold back a lot with men, and I find myself telling him things that I normally would not tell guys. Not deep dark secrets or anything, just aspects of my life that I don't necessarily talk about very easily.

 

4. He gazes at me adoringly and holds my hand sometimes

 

5. We just seem to get along very well and fit together.

 

6. We seem to match emotionally and intellectually.

 

There is one thing about him that is a yellow flag. When we first started talking he mentioned possibly looking for a job in another part of the country because there are a lot of jobs for him there. He hasn't said anything lately, but I feel like this is a small possibility.

 

So what exactly is the problem, Cherry Blossom? That's what you're going to ask, right?

 

How do I let go of past disappointments and frustrations (of which there are many) and just enjoy what seems to be unfolding here?

[CommitmentPhobe]

Maybe you can allow yourself to be a little cynical if it's in your nature. I would love to say do something or another and then you'll enjoy yourself, but I don't think it works like that. So if you're testing the water, it's ok to be a little cautious. Perhaps just give yourself time to see what develops, and try to give yourself breathers from thinking about it by doing something else.

[OpenBook]

I think it's important not to forget the lessons of the past. It's all a matter of balancing those lessons with what's happening in the present - don't let them overwhelm your current view (i.e., don't assume he's the same kind of jerkwad as the previous ones... who knows, he could be a completely different kind of jerkwad:laugh:), but definitely keep them in the back of your mind. I think it's good to be cautious in a new relationship at first, and keep your eyes wide open... but if you can learn how to guard your heart and simultaneously have a great time, you've got it made!!

 

What's always helped me with a new love is remembering that, no matter what happens now, nobody can ever get to me & hurt me like that again [previous bad experiences]. And looking at the new guy and thinking, "THANK GOD you're not [fill in previous jerkwad's name here]"!!:bunny:

[Star Gazer]

How do I let go of past disappointments and frustrations (of which there are many) and just enjoy what seems to be unfolding here?

 

If I only knew, I'd tell you!!! With shirt guy, I can't find any flags, and it's unnerving. Me no likey! Ha!

 

I'd say just keep enjoying your time with him - sounds like it is going great! You and I both know that if there there are any flags worth being concerned about, they will appear. You're smart enough to recognize them.

[Trialbyfire]

Whoah, slow it down Cherry. This guy is pushing hard. You have every right to be cautious. Enjoy the attention but hold a bit out 'cause a guy who's talking future so soon, isn't very realistic. He's talking with his crotch right now.

 

That's not saying there's no future. Just be careful. Seen guys like this before and for me, they're now a big, effin' red flag.

[LovieDove24]

psssh...if you figure that one out let me know.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I know it's good to have some caution and to not get too swept up right away, and I'm definitely not doing that.

 

He's going away for almost 6 weeks so I wonder if that has something to do with the talk about the future. He might feel like I could run away while he's gone.

 

Do you think it is too much too soon? I don't know. For the most part I feel like I'm happy with the pace, but the future talk sometimes feel a little assumptive on his part.

[Star Gazer]

Hmm. I really don't see saying something like, "We should go to that new restaurant" as "future talk" or pushing hard. At all. Not by a mile.

 

All it says to me is that he's definitely interested in continuing seeing you. Which is a good thing.

 

But I do agree with you - I think he might be scared that you'll find someone else while he's gone. I'd be worried too.

[Shygirl15]

CB, enjoy yourself. I mean, seriously. Just let it go and simply enjoy what you have for now. He doesn't necessarily spell future, but perhaps a long-term kind of thing. However, he sounds like a good man. Not many of them around..

 

You'll worry about red flags when you see red flags.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

 

But I do agree with you - I think he might be scared that you'll find someone else while he's gone. I'd be worried too.

 

:):):)

[Trialbyfire]

Cherry, how long have you been seeing this guy and how often have you seen him?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

TBF- It's been 3 weeks. I have been seeing him about twice a week.

 

He's kind of thrown the future statements out there now and then. It's not like he's actively planning our future. For example, I mentioned an authentic mexican restaurant where I had my birthday and he said that we should go there sometime. Tonight we were talking about vegetables and I said I don't like vegetables unless they are cooked a certain way. He said, oh I will have to make you my broccoli blah blah sometime. (He likes to cook a lot).

 

I do hope that he's not the type who just loves having a gf by his side and I happen to be the closest person around right now. I want him to be intrigued by me.

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, those are pretty harmless statements. I wouldn't read too much into them, at least in reference to the future. Somehow got the wrong impression about how serious the discussions were getting.

 

Relax and enjoy this guy. Let his actions dictate if he's a serious candidate or not, for an LTR.

[movingonandon]

So, I wrote here a little while ago about a new guy. I was worried that the "Facebook Curse" would hit me and he wouldn't ask me out again after adding me to his friends list. Anyway.....no problems there. In fact, there are very few problems, and I don't trust that at all.

 

I'm trying hard to be open and trusting and to just allow myself to feel wanted. I'm trying to stay positive and believe that maybe, just maybe, something could work out for me, but I find myself looking for problems. For example, we were out last night with some friends of mine at our local bar. We've been there a few times now, and he really likes it a lot. So last night he made a comment about how he is glad he found it, that it reminds him of home. Well, I know that he doesn't have a ton of friends here (he's from another country) and I was already worried that maybe he wasn't really interested in me as a partner, but more as a friend. Well then we slept together so that solved that. After the bar comment, I started thinking again, maybe he's here because he likes the bar and my friends, not because he's into me. My friend thinks this is crazy talk.

 

Here are some of the positive signs from him:

 

1. He talks about the future, a lot. He will say stuff like we should try such and such restaurant, or I would like to cook for you. He even mentioned a trip he was taking and asked me if I would like to come along.

 

2. He's about to leave on an extended work trip and he said he's going to miss me. I said well, we can see each other before you leave, and he said I know but I don't want to think about that yet. By the way, he's not a smooth, super charming guy who knows how to say the right things a woman likes to hear. He clearly means it.

 

3. He calls me and wants to see me fairly frequently (but not too much so that it is stifling).

 

4. He asks about my life, growing up, my family.

 

5. He's definitely a girlfriend kind of guy, not a multi-dating kind of guy. I think he may have liked me for a while before asking me out.

 

Why I like him:

 

1. He's cute and has a nice body

 

2. He's really easy to talk to.

 

3. I'm very comfortable with him, which is not usually the case with me. I usually hold back a lot with men, and I find myself telling him things that I normally would not tell guys. Not deep dark secrets or anything, just aspects of my life that I don't necessarily talk about very easily.

 

4. He gazes at me adoringly and holds my hand sometimes

 

5. We just seem to get along very well and fit together.

 

6. We seem to match emotionally and intellectually.

 

There is one thing about him that is a yellow flag. When we first started talking he mentioned possibly looking for a job in another part of the country because there are a lot of jobs for him there. He hasn't said anything lately, but I feel like this is a small possibility.

 

So what exactly is the problem, Cherry Blossom? That's what you're going to ask, right?

 

How do I let go of past disappointments and frustrations (of which there are many) and just enjoy what seems to be unfolding here?

 

 

There is absolutely nothing you can do but focus on the short term and having a great time, and hopefully he'll stick around as a result.

 

Sorry to break it to you, but you can not anything into the 5 "positive signs from him". I do these exact same things to a girl who I've already decide will most likely be a short term casual relationship. He is probably sincere in all of this (like I am...), but there is no causal link between doing these 5 things and being serious about the relaitonship.

[sb129]

CB- relax and enjoy it.

 

Take it one day at a time. Sounds like its all going well to me.

 

I know its hard to avoid colouring a new R with the bad things about the old ones, but each new R deserves to be considered on its own merits.

Think "innocent until proven guilty" rather than the other way around...

[Cherry Blossom 35]

There is absolutely nothing you can do but focus on the short term and having a great time, and hopefully he'll stick around as a result.

 

Sorry to break it to you, but you can not anything into the 5 "positive signs from him". I do these exact same things to a girl who I've already decide will most likely be a short term casual relationship. He is probably sincere in all of this (like I am...), but there is no causal link between doing these 5 things and being serious about the relaitonship.

 

Hmmm...interesting.

 

I don't think he is looking at this as a just a short term casual relationship. It may turn out to be that way, just because that's how things happen sometimes, but I don't think he is going into it KNOWING he only wants a little fling. The reason I think this is because he took somewhat of a risk in asking me out. I don't know how to describe this without giving out too many details. We know each other professionally, and the professional relationship would change if this doesn't work out, so I just don't think he would risk that for a short term fling.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. TBF, Star, Committment Phobe, SB, Shygirl, Alaina, movingonandon...sorry if I forgot anyone....

 

He is leaving soon for his trip to the Far East so we will be hanging out tomorrow and Thursday. Then there will be a biiiiiiiiiiiiig break.

 

I guess that I'm just not used to guys who are straightforward and not afraid to show some feelings. I like it, I do, but I'm just trying to adjust to the scenario.

Whether or not this goes for the long haul, it will be a good experience to be with an honest, decent guy (who happens to be fun and cute too!)

 

The good thing is that when I'm with him I feel really relaxed and not worried at all...which is great. Usually I'm a little worried about what I'm doing or saying. Did I say something he didn't like? Is he not going to call me because I revealed X or Y?

 

My new thing is that I'm done with defining myself on whether or not I am in a relationship. I'm just not going to do it anymore. I'm going to live my life and if someone pops in, that's great, I will be open to it, but if they don't, I'm not going to obsess about it or let it upset me. The funny thing is that I had really made my mind up that I was going to live my life for me, not anyone else, when this guy popped up out of nowhere. What I mean by that is that I'm done trying so hard to be in the right place at the right time, and I'm done worrying about where or when I will meet someone. The timing is just really funny.

[sb129]

CB, it may not seem like it, but it sounds to me like you have a good start for a potential R here.

 

He is straight up, and you are determined not to make past mistakes or be reliant on a partner to define you.

 

Sounds pretty good to me.

 

My fiance is very straight up, no game playing, no innuendos, no manipulation. It took a while to get used to and he had to strongly remind me he wasn't my ex a few times... but it worked out in the end. And I had a similar attitude to you at the beginning- "Ah whatever, if it works out, fine, if not I am not going to be devastated"

 

Good luck.