Man's Job to Pursue?

[fivefive]

If a man is interested or likes a woman is it his job to pursue her? Generally, why won't women call or text a man first? Should the contact be evenly done by both the man and woman? In my opinion I think it should be even. I generally feel really desperate when I'm the one always initiating contact first. What do you people think?

[Trialbyfire]

Nope, it's the man's job to pursue in my books. If he doesn't, latah!

 

Having said that, not every man or woman believes the same thing. Best that you find someone who believes the same as you do.

[shylight200]

Traditionally it's always been the guy who makes the first move. I don't really have a problem doing it first except for the whole rejection part

[prettybaby]

I think it should be equal. Something that's well balanced is more likely to succeed.

[fivefive]

I generally tend to think that it is the man's job but would you women really find it annoying when a man doesn't pursue you when you know he's interested?

[Trialbyfire]

I generally tend to think that it is the man's job but would you women really find it annoying when a man doesn't pursue you when you know he's interested?

It's not a matter of annoyance. Interest generates interest, although that's not guaranteed. I like a more assertive/aggressive man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to put himself out there. I'm sure there are more than enough women who don't agree and that's okay.

 

I guess overall, I'm saying that if that's not who you are, better to stick with who you are. If you push in the beginning, then can't keep that level of interest going, then it's not going to happen. If on the otherhand, you believe that men should pursue, then wait for a woman to come chase you, you're also going to be headed for disappointment, since she will be too aggressive for your tastes.

 

Find someone who believes the same things you do. Don't pretzel your behaviour to "get" someone.

[OpenBook]

If a man is interested or likes a woman is it his job to pursue her? Generally, why won't women call or text a man first? Should the contact be evenly done by both the man and woman? In my opinion I think it should be even. I generally feel really desperate when I'm the one always initiating contact first. What do you people think?

 

I agree with you in principle - it should be even. However, it's been my experience that men respond negatively to women who pursue them. They don't like it. They get all irritated, and they don't treat you with any respect after that.

 

I generally tend to think that it is the man's job but would you women really find it annoying when a man doesn't pursue you when you know he's interested?

 

How would we "know" he's interested UNLESS he's pursuing us?? Men look at us and flirt with us all day long. It means absolutely nothing. I (and my GF's) think these guys are just testing us to see if we're "easy" and let them rope us in with the least amount of effort. A guy's got to "bring out the big guns" in order to get OUR attention!

[prettybaby]

I generally tend to think that it is the man's job but would you women really find it annoying when a man doesn't pursue you when you know he's interested?

Well if he didn't pursue at all, we wouldn't know for sure whether he's interested or not. We'd think that he's either a flake or he's not interested at all, which are both turn offs.

[fral945]

If a man is interested or likes a woman is it his job to pursue her?

 

Not necessarily, but most likely you'll have to. At the very least, you have to make it obvious that you like her in some way. My recommendation is make it obvious, put yourself out there, and then let her react. If she doesn't move on to someone who does.

 

Put yourself in a woman's shoes for a day. Most women (unless they are extremely unattractive) have men hitting on them pretty regularly, with the more attractive ones probably are hit on every time they go out in public. They have no motivation to be proactive when it comes to establishing relationships because they know men are readily available and already willing to be proactive.

 

There are also many women that are still taught and/or believe that a man should do all the pursuing. Now whether women who only want the men to do the initial pursuing find better partners than a more proactive woman is another argument completely.

 

Generally, why won't women call or text a man first?

 

Because they were raised that way and are old-fashioned (they believe that's the way it should be), they have more options (i.e., men hitting on them constantly), or they fear rejection.

 

Should the contact be evenly done by both the man and woman? In my opinion I think it should be even. I generally feel really desperate when I'm the one always initiating contact first. What do you people think?

 

Ideally, yes, but it never works that way. Whoever wants the relationship more or sees more potential will probably be doing more of the contacting. Usually (at least IME) guys have to do most of the initial work, even if the woman has more interest. After the relationship becomes more established, however, I've found it varies.

 

If you have to do all of the work even after the relationship is established, you'll have to reevaluate if you want that type of woman or find someone who will be a more equal partner.

[fivefive]

Say for example a man likes a woman and the woman likes him back. So you're all saying that it is the man that should initiate 1st contact all the time (e-mail, IM, text, call) ? Whether it's to say "hi", set up a date, or just talk it's the man job?

[Shygirl15]

Say for example a man likes a woman and the woman likes him back. So you're all saying that it is the man that should initiate 1st contact all the time (e-mail, IM, text, call) ? Whether it's to say "hi", set up a date, or just talk it's the man job?

Yes. Most women would like it this way.

[refurb]

I generally feel really desperate when I'm the one always initiating contact first. What do you people think?

 

I used to think the same way. I don't anymore.

 

As the pursuer, you have the power. You initiate contact, you make your move. If she rejects you, you move on, she's the one left there waiting for the next guy to come around. If she says yes, you organize the date, you make the calls, you go for the kiss, etc. If you don't want to see her again, you don't call.

 

I'm not suggesting you pursue until she calls the cops or when she doesn't reciprocate.

 

It's no different than any other aspect of life. If you want a good job do you wait for someone to offer it to you or do you go out looking for it? You are creating your own life.

 

That being said, I actually prefer a girl who is willing to take a chance as well. Not just in terms of relationships, but also life in general.

 

RF

[melodymatters]

Say for example a man likes a woman and the woman likes him back. So you're all saying that it is the man that should initiate 1st contact all the time (e-mail, IM, text, call) ? Whether it's to say "hi", set up a date, or just talk it's the man job?

 

 

Agreed. it's just too hard wired that men do the courting. once you have an established R, of course, it should equalize out.

 

Seems you are getting pretty much the same answers so, go for it and make that first move !

[GoodOnPaper]

If a man is interested or likes a woman is it his job to pursue her? Generally, why won't women call or text a man first? Should the contact be evenly done by both the man and woman? In my opinion I think it should be even. I generally feel really desperate when I'm the one always initiating contact first. What do you people think?

 

From a practical standpoint, remember that whether or not you choose to pursue a woman, it's usually a safe assumption that several other men are already pursuing her -- or at least showing interest. So, if you are interested, you just have to try and muster the courage to initiate contact, even if it feels like cold-calling.

[Shygirl15]

However, it's been my experience that men respond negatively to women who pursue them.

Mine as well.

[Star Gazer]

If a man is interested or likes a woman is it his job to pursue her? Generally, why won't women call or text a man first? Should the contact be evenly done by both the man and woman? In my opinion I think it should be even. I generally feel really desperate when I'm the one always initiating contact first. What do you people think?

 

Your question assumes that the woman is interested. How does he know that unless he asks??

[norajane]

Say for example a man likes a woman and the woman likes him back. So you're all saying that it is the man that should initiate 1st contact all the time (e-mail, IM, text, call) ? Whether it's to say "hi", set up a date, or just talk it's the man job?

 

If a man does not initiate contact, my assumption is that he's not interested, or not interested enough. In my experience, that's how it works out, so I really don't pay any attention to the guys who don't express interest.

 

However, it's been my experience that men respond negatively to women who pursue them.

 

Mine, too.

[fishtaco]

No. When a woman pursues a man, she's now faced with all the decision making of an aggressor. I.e. you can't tell if the person you're pursuing is genuinely interested or not, and you just have to take a shot and see.

 

If that person is NOT interested, sometimes they get annoyed.

 

When men pursue women, end up reading the wrong social cue, and pushed it the wrong way, women could annoyed too.

 

It's more about chasing the wrong person, than that "women that chase are annoying".

 

One tip to women that want to pursue. Don't get a fragile ego. You will fail many times until you get a hit. Exact same thing when guys pursue women. Sometime you win, sometimes you lose. That's just how it is.

 

And if you say, "but that guy showed all the signs that he's interested, that's why I went for it"... welcome to the club. Now you know what guys go through.

 

So if you're like Trial, you don't believe in pursuing a man, then don't. Men will pursue you anyway. That's an option that men typically don't have, good for you. But if you want to pursue a man, go for it. Just realize you could fail, but most likely it'd be because of other factors, and not that "you shouldn't pursue a man".

[Ruby Slippers]

I never initiate contact with the guy in the early stages of a relationship. I let him contact me and initiate plans. If he doesn't, he fades out of my radar. I'm not interested in being with a guy unless the interest and attraction are strong, and this is a good way to gauge it from his side.

 

Once I'm in a relationship, I very rarely initiate contact, and if I do it's only for special circumstances, such as I need to ask him something right then.

 

I also find that most men prefer to be in the role of the pursuer. And that works great for me because I prefer it that way, too.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with you in principle - it should be even. However, it's been my experience that men respond negatively to women who pursue them. They don't like it. They get all irritated, and they don't treat you with any respect after that.

 

Unfortunatley, I've got plenty of experience with this and have to agree completely. I have no problem putting myself out there, risking rejection, allathat... But I've learned that being the initiator in the beginning stages of dating (before a "relationship" is formed) will do me NO GOOD whatsoever.

[Charles1978]

In the beginning stages, perhaps the guy should pursue. But after a while, it needs to be even. Otherwise, it becomes a turnoff for me.

[fral945]

OP,

 

I used to be uncomfortable with pursuing as well. We are not all stereotypical males. Some guys are just naturally more of the aggressor and initiator type and don't think twice about it. Those guys are just born with it and the rest of us have to develop it if we don't have it. Work on developing it if you find it to be hampering your dating opportunities.

[canigetanswers]

Unfortunatley, I've got plenty of experience with this and have to agree completely. I have no problem putting myself out there, risking rejection, allathat... But I've learned that being the initiator in the beginning stages of dating (before a "relationship" is formed) will do me NO GOOD whatsoever.

 

what if all the guys in the world start to think like u? no guy will be pursuing.

 

for me, im a lil traditional so i will wanna initiate, but before i do i wanna see signs of interest.

 

if u r a feminist or firm believer of equality of sexes, then u shld start pursuing otherwise there will be double standards.

[IrishCarBomb]

However, it's been my experience that men respond negatively to women who pursue them. They don't like it.

 

Heh, I'd imagine a lot of men have women respond negatively when they pursue them.

 

I get your point though, and it's true. Men pursue women, and attractive women are pursued often, that's just the way it is. I wouldn't go much beyond it though. A lot of guys don't care for the chase, just do it because it needs to be done. Others are into the chase, so they chase away and love it.

 

It's strange though, because people use the words "pursue" and "chase", but I wouldn't call it pursuing or chasing at all. I've always just felt that a man needs to initiate social contact, but then just get to know her. As soon as I changed my mentality from impressing women, to just getting to know and building a (romantic) connection with women, it became so much easier and more fun. So I guess in the end I'd say it's the man's job to initiate, to be distinguished from pursuing or chasing.

[Trialbyfire]

It's strange though, because people use the words "pursue" and "chase", but I wouldn't call it pursuing or chasing at all. I've always just felt that a man needs to initiate social contact, but then just get to know her. As soon as I changed my mentality from impressing women, to just getting to know and building a (romantic) connection with women, it became so much easier and more fun. So I guess in the end I'd say it's the man's job to initiate, to be distinguished from pursuing or chasing.

Now that's a healthy attitude.

 

Forget the assumption of prey and hunter, and focus on an individual connection. I like it.