Author Athena Posted December 17, 2008 Author Posted December 17, 2008 LOL!!! (married to same guy)... but as PelicanPreacher said, H is using whatever he can to control me in the marriage -- you know, the tears, suicide threats, no financial help, disappearance etc... My H too has said he wouldn't know what to do if he ever lost me, etc... he has even sworn Never to have sex with another woman if I ever left him!!! Ha ha -- I wouldn't be leaving him if he could have stopped having sex with other women! Perhaps they are just con men who say whatever they want because we as wives make them LOOK GOOD. As for your H threatening you with taking custody of your daughter because of you being in a psych ward -- that was so long ago and would have absolutely no bearing on your ability to be a good parent. No court would award him custody... Also as for your H threatening you with getting alimony from you I really don't see that as being valid, because he would be liable to take care of his own financial needs, you of yours, and then BOTH parents contributing to your daughter's upkeep... so she would be living with you and he would be sending you a check each month to contribute to your daughter's costs. Pay no attention to his threats. I admire you for being financially able to take care of yourself... did you have to study for the job you are doing?
porter218 Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 I am afraid he might once again threaten suicide, or disappear on us I don't know if this threat really is that bad. When I left my H with the intention of D I also got the suicide threat and the "you may never see me again" threat ..lol. I told him go right ahead and kill yourself then...because suicide is for weak people and if you are that weak then I don't want you as a role model for my kids because I am strong and so are they. I also told him to go ahead and disappear then because at least then I would never have to lay eyes on his lying, cheating face and perhaps I would be happy like that. I didn't really want him to do any of those thing but I absolutely abhor those kind of b***sh*t threats.
65tr6 Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 And -- I stopped listening to music of any kind, for the three years as well. Even in my car, no radio on. Just silence. Silence in which I could THINK. Silence in my home. Silence in my bed. Have you hurt yourself? Or hurt your Significant Other? What does this mean? Is it helpful in the long run? Any thoughts on this? Goodness. I guess each one is different. In my case, when my wife confessed about her affair... 1) I didnt want to loose her 2) I think i broke down.....If not i did the next several days 3) There was NO Anger at all. Like Pelican said, I took the Anger to motivate myself and figure out the next steps 4) I listened to the music more often and loud ! It always pumped me up in the past 5) I felt sorry for my xWW (really). I thought she was sick to do something unthinkable like this 6) I cried and cried for about 5 weeks...once a day, may be twice...sometimes turning into ugly sobbing. Yes did look myself in the mirror once in a while...out of curiousity 7) I realised i was actually in a state of shock and was grieving my loss of companionship. I never lost someone close to me but from others say the feelings are about the same or in some cases worse. I believe it was the latter for me. I feel much better these days. 8) I never went nuclear on my wife...funny because i used to before the actual confession. may be once a week prior to the affair We are now in painful recovery. Wonder if my Anger will ever come out ??? She is in complete NC right now...but if she makes even single attempt ?then i can almost see my reaction being completely different. I can handle only one affair in this life-time.
Author Athena Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 I don't know if this threat really is that bad. When I left my H with the intention of D I also got the suicide threat and the "you may never see me again" threat ..lol. I told him go right ahead and kill yourself then...because suicide is for weak people and if you are that weak then I don't want you as a role model for my kids because I am strong and so are they. I also told him to go ahead and disappear then because at least then I would never have to lay eyes on his lying, cheating face and perhaps I would be happy like that. I didn't really want him to do any of those thing but I absolutely abhor those kind of b***sh*t threats. I will keep this in mind, thanks Porter. H is coming back within days.... my counselor advised me NOT to talk about the marriage/ relationship AT ALL over the two weeks that H will be at home. She keeps on stressing that I must continue to focus on me and get my act together -- i.e. get a job!!!!! I am also considering whether to continue with Grad studies or not, since I believe I would be better able to take care of myself financially if I actually get further training in my field, Especially since I have not got enough work experience on my resume. To all who read this: See, I have also been through hell with all the affairs, and I am to blame for focusing on the pain, instead of being strong and moving on. It's almost like I want to somehow have my old life back. It's not possible. Yes, change is tough to face because of all the unknowns.... but its the only way to go. Change is necessary, and as humans we must be flexible enough to adapt, in order to survive, to live.
Author Athena Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 I write on these boards because I know that the people who come here are in the same boat as me -- either having a spouse cheat on them, or having cheated on a spouse. This means that we can identify with one another. Now how would my counselor know first-hand what it means to have the love of your life betray you? How would she know the utter hopelessness you feel? She has been married for decades and has a very steadfast H (she's told me as much). People on these boards have felt the terrifying shift of their world as all they knew shifts and crumbles.
65tr6 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 To all who read this: See, I have also been through hell with all the affairs, and I am to blame for focusing on the pain, instead of being strong and moving on. It's almost like I want to somehow have my old life back. It's not possible. Yes, change is tough to face because of all the unknowns.... but its the only way to go. Change is necessary, and as humans we must be flexible enough to adapt, in order to survive, to live. I thought that way for a day - that i want everything the way it was before - Just for a day before realised that is not exactly what i want. I want MUCH more than what i had. We all deserve much better - BSs in particular - But then dont expect that without making changes. Use affair as the stimulant to get yourself off your back and spring into action. Your MC appears wise. Applying for job when you dont have experience...yes it is catch22. But you never know until you try. Give it a whole hearted attempt - very rarely you dont end up with a job. Spend lot of time in fine tunning your resume first and then start applying. Typically beginning of year is a good time to start. Use your networking skills to let people know that you are looking - for a job that is - good luck.
65tr6 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Now how would my counselor know first-hand what it means to have the love of your life betray you? How would she know the utter hopelessness you feel? I was seriously thinking of starting a thread on this...Is immediate MC any good after an affair ? I believe IC has it's benefits but MC in the immediate aftermath ? I am not sure. Especially talking to someone who never been there, done that about the affair and how they can help you. I agree with you. So why are you seeing MC then ? May be another thread needed ?
Author Athena Posted December 20, 2008 Author Posted December 20, 2008 65tr6, thanks for the advice about finding a job. I will put more effort into it in January, as you say there's more likelihood of hiring then. As for the MC -- I chose this counselor because of a recommendation from a couple that benefited greatly from her. I was hoping for the same results for me and my H, but at first he didn't want to go 'spill his guts out' to someone who, he felt sure, would judge him. So I started IC with her, and then later H came in too, for several sessions, but he was not really honest or doing the work -- he was more interested, I believe, in keeping up an 'image' of himself with her.... sigh.... Counselor told me there's no point in doing MC with only me going... so I just did IC. Yeah, maybe you could start another thread on MC? It could be interesting.
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