Grief at finding out about Spouse's affairs

[Athena]

Hi everyone,

 

I was thinking about how traumatizing it is to find out about a betrayal in one's marriage, or serious relationship. One's instinct is sadness, anger, and inwardly turned anger, causing oneself harm.

 

I read Tearzshed's recent post where she wrote:

 

talking to my therapist on how to express anger without taking it out on myself, which is what I was doing. One of my first reactions I had to D-Day was butchering my hair, which was sooooo beautiful post-pregnancy. It's grown back now, but I'd chopped it up so bad. LOL

 

I also immediately had the thought/desire to cut off all my hair ... I had to fight myself not to do that. It was almost a need to express my grief as well as my anger, to disfigure my own beauty

(My H always loved my long hair)

 

Another thing that happened was that I STOPPED looking at myself in the mirror and that lasted for about three years.... if I applied makeup it was by using a hand held small mirror.

 

I also couldn't bear to look at any family photographs of us all. It's as though the photos of him and me & the kids were a lie, since he had been cheating over the previous three years and all those photos of him with a smiling face now seemed like his smirking.

 

And -- I stopped listening to music of any kind, for the three years as well. Even in my car, no radio on. Just silence.

Silence in which I could THINK.

Silence in my home. Silence in my bed.

 

Have you hurt yourself? Or hurt your Significant Other?

What does this mean?

Is it helpful in the long run?

 

Any thoughts on this?

[annieo]

My h didn't cheat, but he did lie to me about going to strip clubs when away on business. And getting dances, which in my mind was a form of betrayal (especially the long-term lying part).

I felt a lot of the same things you described. Couldn't look at myself in the mirror, couldn't handle thinking about our wedding or looking at photos of it.

And I had HUGE anger towards him. On d-day (actually, it was over the course of three days) I took scissors to some of his clothing (wedding shirt and tie, the sweater I had bought him the weekend before his last transgression, which he was wearing in the club when he got his dances).

Did it help? I don't know, but better that I took it out on objects as opposed to him, or worse, myself.

[Athena]

Annieo, perhaps you didn't look in the mirror because you couldn't bear to see how Sad you were? Just a thought.

 

Did the anger you express Outwardly prevent you from getting depression? (you know what they say about depression: that it is anger turned Inwards)

[annieo]

You're right about the mirror - I couldn't bear to see the look in my eyes.

 

I've always tended more to rage vs. sadness/depression (at least initially) when I've been treated badly, which fortunately hasn't happened very often. But unfortunately, most of the crappy treatment has been inflicted by my h.

He hasn't always been the most scrupulously honest person, and since he travels a lot for work (and I occasionally go out of town alone to visit my folks) the trust issue keep rearing it's ugly head. No actual cheating that I know of, but hell, who knows? If he'd lie about the stuff he's lied about I am sure he'd lie about worse.

 

The depression kicked in later. We're still together, but things are definitely not what they once were, which was pretty great (or so I thought). I keep hoping that we'll get back to that happy place, but a part of me knows that you can't go back. And that's depressing.

 

What has your experience been? Ever go on a rage bender? Are you still with the person who caused you to write this thread?

[Athena]

But unfortunately, most of the crappy treatment has been inflicted by my h.

He hasn't always been the most scrupulously honest person, and since he travels a lot for work

Yup, I bet we all find that the people with the power and ability to hurt us are our loved ones -- those closest to us to know us, and whose chosen behavior has the power to hurt us most... I mean, who would give a damn about other's behaviors? Apart from an initial reaction, you move on much quicker.

 

I've always tended more to rage vs. sadness/depression (at least initially) when I've been treated badly,

(...)

The depression kicked in later. We're still together, but things are definitely not what they once were, which was pretty great (or so I thought). I keep hoping that we'll get back to that happy place, but a part of me knows that you can't go back. And that's depressing.

 

What has your experience been? Ever go on a rage bender? Are you still with the person who caused you to write this thread?

 

Oh, yeah of course I have gotten angry, very angry over my husband's affairs over the years. I would try to provide what I thought he might need. .. I guess I only allowed myself to 'get back at him' verbally this year, after the last affair surfaced... I told him very bluntly what I was thinking of him and his actions and his OW, to the point that he was reduced to tears! damn... never saw that one before! It always used to be like he didn't really care, and that he was almost laughing about his cleverness at having got away with it.

 

PelicanPreacher mentioned in a recent post that anger would revitalize the BW into action.... I guess I didn't 'dare' show anger, since 'being sad' is more acceptable...(?) dunno...

I used to be very strong, confident, self-assured, you name it... my sister-in-laws (all four of them) cannot believe I let my H treat me this way, because they (and my siblings) know me to be otherwise, and not take anyone's $hit. Ah, well... I guess it's also a cultural thing with me, treat the men well, look after them, serve them, etc. Do your best, try harder.

 

Yes, I am still with H. But recently came to a decision to not be.... this will have to be talked about with him... he is returning home for the Holidays, after a two month stint contracting abroad.

I don't want to hurt him though.

[annieo]

OK, take everything I say with a grain of salt, but you don't want to hurt him?!?! That's sweet, but I'm not sure that you should be thinking of his feelings right now. How about your feelings? Maybe I'm a bitch, but I'd want to hurt him back, and plenty.

 

Affairs? Plural? How many has he had? How many times have you had to walk this road? For me, it was a couple of times of lying, the strip club thing, or going out for drinks with women "friends" when I was out of town. And I am still outraged at times, although I'm very slowly (obviously, I'm still pissed!) getting past it.

 

I sometimes think I am still here because I don't want two failed marriages on my resume, with my kids involved. If I had been financially independant and without kids, I probably would have left current h when I found out the truth. I'm sticking it out, partly out of love and hope, partly out of necessity.

 

But I have no issues anymore with his "feelings". He didn't think of mine. If he decides that it's ok to lie to me again about any outside of marriage activities, I'm sleeping with his best friend

[annieo]

I feel like I need to apologize for being so harsh. As I've said, I have a tendency to that emotion.

Athena, I'm hoping that you have the strength and wisdom to do what is best for you. You have a right to be happy, to feel like you are being treated fairly and honestly. As do we all. It's up to you to figure out how that works for you in your particular circumstances.

Best of luck in finding a way out of the dilemma that your h has dropped on your lap. I know a little bit about how that feels. And don't be afraid to let your anger show - unless it means that your h is going to get even angrier and possibly hurt you. If that's the case, then head for the nearest door.

Good luck - I'll be thinking of you.

[pelicanpreacher]

I hasten to advise that it is important to use anger's emotion as motivation to focus one's mind toward making plans and preperations. When the strorm within has settled, tranquility is returned, and the soul is centered after making a rational assessment of all the reasons that a decision must be made then and only then can one execute it. Remember, he who acts in anger rides a mad horse so its best to trot him lest you hurt yourself getting bronced into mad's pain!

[Athena]

So then I gather that your husband's best friend is cute?

 

Um, I did wish pain and hurt on H, especially THIS year, after affair #8 (which he entered into a year long of it, knowing full well that I had expressly told him I would divorce him if he ever cheated again), but it was more a wish that somebody else would hurt him-- I wished that one day, somebody that he loved would cheat on him so that he could FEEL what it was like, because he lacks natural empathy.

 

The only way he has EVER understood what hurt, pain, and disappointment is like, is if HE finds himself suffering exactly the same pain. For e.g. when I was coughing with bronchitis one time, he told me, "Shut the f**k up!"

I had always looked after him when he was ill, and especially babied him through his annual flu, so I was taken aback. However, he had no sympathy/empathy for me, even when I was pregnant with our second child and in the ninth month came down with Hepatitis A... although the sight of raw meat physically nauseated me due to the illness, he would have none of it, and insisted I cook his steak.

That was a long time ago. When he next became ill, I only did the bare minimum for him, until he 'got it'. He actually apologized to me for all the times he had been cruel. Then he knew to act more caringly the next time, even though his natural instinct/first reaction is to be aggravated with anyone if they are not up to form.

 

Anyway, when I told him I was divorcing him earlier this year, he cried, he said I was abandoning him like everyone else (not true) and then he resorted to threatening to commit suicide to the point where I sought advice from a psychologist, and eventually, one night, had to call 911 on him.

 

He is not strong inside.

I know he is "fragile" and as much as I hate what he has done to us/me, I know he would become wounded just by my leaving him (at least initially). He has been married and divorced before, and his first W divorced him when he told her he had had 5 affairs in their 6 year marriage! He was initially devastated when she told him she was going through with a divorce, but then threw her out of his parents house where they were living at the time.

She got re-married two months after their divorce. He later told me, that he wished rather, that she were dead, than to have divorced him... even though they had a child together.

 

It would be his second failed marriage now, so he will not like that on his resume, either. He was far more attractive and charming to the ladies when he presented himself as a happily married man to them (they felt safe with him, then grew attracted to him, but he has this 'insurance' of being able to let them go whenever it suits him because he just tells them, but you know I am happily married!)

 

So -- yeah... I don't want to be the one hurting him now. I doubt he can take it. And he is the father of my children, part of my family, and used to be my best friend.He also has a lot of good traits to him. He is a good man otherwise. I still love him but I don't want to be married to him.

However, I am extremely reticent about telling him, because he will turn vindictive. I had given him just about all the power in our relationship, so it is my own fault what I am facing now. Hindsight is a great teacher.

[Athena]

I hasten to advise that it is important to use anger's emotion as motivation to focus one's mind toward making plans and preperations. When the strorm within has settled, tranquility is returned, and the soul is centered after making a rational assessment of all the reasons that a decision must be made then and only then can one execute it. Remember, he who acts in anger rides a mad horse so its best to trot him lest you hurt yourself getting bronced into mad's pain!

 

Ah, Pelican, how wise you are! As a saying goes "Revenge is a pudding best eaten cold", which I think means you shouldn't act while feeling hot and bothered, but rather when you have cooled down, rationally planned and then execute it 'cold' -- calculated.

 

Thank you -- Yes, this is the point where I am now -- not angry anymore, but having made a rational assessment of all the reasons why I must make this decision to end this 22 year marriage.

It doesn't make it any easier.

I am almost still vacillating & second-guessing myself, asking "What if THIS time he really CAN change, like he swears he has"? But -- he can't. The pattern spans his entire adult life, and two marriages...I have to look at that. I have to. I have to.

[2sure]

D- Day for my H's last A was about 1.5 years ago. I have been on here a lot, and have felt we are well into recovery.

 

But lately, I'm not sure if it is "recovery" or just me becoming more comfortable with living with the pain.

 

I'm not sure if I am trusting him again or if I just dont care.

 

And I'm pissed off about these things.

 

I have told a million people on here that trust can be rebuilt and that a marriage can recover.

 

Today, I am not believing it. Maybe tis the season.

More than anything, I dont want to be faced with another betrayal a few years from now. I am so afraid that if I DO trust him again, if I am secure again, the hurt will be 10X worse because once again, I will be unprepared.

 

I am angry at him that I feel this way. This is not the person I was.

I have stopped having sex with him. It must seem out of the blue to him, but I think my anger has manifested itself into this passive aggressive lack of desire.

 

I wonder if I am denying him sex and affection....as a way to dare him to do it again. And if he passes the test...what? Then I can trust him?

 

I am angry still. I just didnt know it for awhile.

[Athena]

I have stopped having sex with him. It must seem out of the blue to him, but I think my anger has manifested itself into this passive aggressive lack of desire.

 

I wonder if I am denying him sex and affection....as a way to dare him to do it again. And if he passes the test...what? Then I can trust him?

 

I am angry still. I just didnt know it for awhile.

 

Wow that is an interesting thought (You possibly doing this as a kind of a test)... but WHY NOW? Why have you chosen this moment out of the past 18 months to feel this way.... What brought this feeling of insecurity back?

 

Is it possible that your intuition is sensing something on its radar that your consciousness has not yet picked up on?

 

I hate to say this, but after my H's disclosures, some time would pass, then I would find myself getting distrustful of him... turned out (each and every time) that he had been in yet another affair, even though he swore up and down at the time (if I thought to ask him) that NO such thing was happening.

But, my H is pretty narcissistic, not everyone's spouse is... it's almost like he can't help it.

Plus -- his love of all my attention focused on him worked very well when the insecurity I felt from each affair, with its accumulative damage, made me get into almost an obsession... with him and what he was up to. He loved it.

[Athena]

I feel like I need to apologize for being so harsh. As I've said, I have a tendency to that emotion.

Athena, I'm hoping that you have the strength and wisdom to do what is best for you.

 

Annieo -- no need to apologize! Gawsh, I need a kick (or three) up the arse to get me movin'

But, needless to say, you were not harsh!

 

If I had been financially independant and without kids, I probably would have left current h when I found out the truth. I'm sticking it out, partly out of love and hope, partly out of necessity.

 

I hear you loud and clear! Love, Hope, Children, and Financial Independence. Lots of considerations.

[2sure]

Wow that is an interesting thought (You possibly doing this as a kind of a test)... but WHY NOW? Why have you chosen this moment out of the past 18 months to feel this way.... What brought this feeling of insecurity back?

 

Recently I had come to the revelation that I felt like I had forgiven him, that we had recovered. That I could trust again. I havent checked up on him in months. Immediately after feeling that relief....I felt ...scared and now angry. I felt like by trusting him again, I could be setting myself up. That the rug could once again be pulled from beneath me. Somehow, I think I had more self-security when I was ok with not trusting him. And these past few days I have been saying to myself "You fool! To be caught unprepared would be 10X worse!".

 

Sick in a way, I'm sure

 

Is it possible that your intuition is sensing something on its radar that your consciousness has not yet picked up on?

Yes. I am seeing patterns in his behavior I have seen before when he was cheating. Well, I think so, but it could be just me. I do feel my spidey sense is kicking in.

 

But, my H is pretty narcissistic, not everyone's spouse is... it's almost like he can't help it.

 

BINGO.Yours is the first post that touches on my circumstance and feelings

[Athena]

Yes. I am seeing patterns in his behavior I have seen before when he was cheating. Well, I think so, but it could be just me. I do feel my spidey sense is kicking in.

 

But, my H is pretty narcissistic, not everyone's spouse is... it's almost like he can't help it.

 

BINGO.Yours is the first post that touches on my circumstance and feelings

 

Not at all an enviable position to be in! What would make you feel more comfortable (trusting)? Or is it specifically that you don't wish to allow yourself to get 'comfy' or else, by letting your guard down, you will be caught unguarded and it will hurt more?

 

I have to share this with you: The marriage counselor, last year, when I told her that I had an odd feeling that my husband was straying again (while he was working abroad) said I must not get my antennae up! She said I must not focus on him, but on me. She said I would find out in due time if he WAS cheating, so why get myself worked up about it?

 

And she was right -- I DID find it out -- but months later, in January of this year when I saw photos of them together!

Perhaps you can let yourself not focus on him, knowing that it will eventually catch up with him if he is up to his old tricks? What do you think?

[desertmoon]

I remember it vividly....the phone rang...a woman on the other end was looking for my H,I said he wasn't home and ask who she was....she said, this is his GF--his GF????????????? I told her she must have the wrong number/person...because I am the wife. She hung up.Two hours later she was at my doorsteps...with pictures of both of them-they looked very happy. MY H came home, GF was still in the house....H was shocked and told her to get out--I told H--lower your voice we do not want our neighbors to hear...She left but she harassed me for the next few weeks...I did not understand that part---H said she was nobody...I asked H if he wanted me to leave or if he wanted to leave..I didn't know what to do..didnt cry, didnt eat, didnt sleep, apparently for many days...next thing I knew I was in a Psych ward-on suicide watch---nobody understood, that taking one's own life is honorable when you are dishonored---Psychiatrist kept asking if I was ready to talk....I said no, I wanted to go home--except I didnt know where home was...when Psych asked my H why I felt that way...H said...'doc, I have no idea--it was all very sudden---plus she's Japanese"...I guess it explained everything...

[desertmoon]

Oh I did cry eventually...Actually, I howled and bawled and howled as loud as I could...I only stopped when the nurse medicated me...I wanted to tell the nurse...let me cry...please, let me cry...I was so consumed with sadness and despair....

[Athena]

when Psych asked my H why I felt that way...H said...'doc, I have no idea--it was all very sudden---plus she's Japanese"...I guess it explained everything...

 

Wait -- you mean your H told the doctor he had no idea what was wrong with you and why you were depressed? You mean, he didn't even own up to the psychiatrist that he had Cheated on you!?? It was in a private setting, confidential, and HE is American, so why did he not man up to what he did to you? Surely he was concerned about the state of your mental health, more than keeping his fake image (a facade) up?!

 

Believe me, I understand how one's parental cultural upbringing affects you -- despite being raised in a different country from one's parents... that's me too.

 

I made the big mistake (like you) of keeping my H's infidelities quiet and private (I was ashamed and felt guilty and wanted to protect my image of having a good marriage and being a good wife, and also wanted to protect him and his lousy image)... all that succeeded in, was hurting -- nay -- Damaging, myself.

 

In college one day, taking a women's studies course, I learned how Native American's had a Healing Day, when the entire village would focus on someone's illness or situation, and help that individual. Our 2 professors gave the class of 13 students an assignment -- to present a highly personal issue of ours, to the class, for healing... to my amazement, it was a very powerful experience.

 

It was from that day forth that I understood, despite my upbringing where my mother had told me as a little girl to be Proud and not show Weakness, and NOT tell anyone anything 'bad' about OUR family(!) that in fact her advice was not good.

 

THAT is the worst thing you can do... keep the truth hidden, because then there is no healing... you see, I was always ready and willing to help Others. Always. But too proud to ask for help.

That's how I was raised... and I saw my mother raise the family like this too...

 

However, after that Native American Healing Day at college several years ago, I realized that you must ask for help, not only give it.... and it is best to share your worries. That it lightens the load, and that it gives people an opportunity to get to know you and really care for you... then you don't feel so dead inside anymore. There are actually people out there who wish to help, and who will, just ask.

[TearzShed]

Hi everyone,

 

I was thinking about how traumatizing it is to find out about a betrayal in one's marriage, or serious relationship. One's instinct is sadness, anger, and inwardly turned anger, causing oneself harm.

 

I read Tearzshed's recent post where she wrote:

 

 

 

I also immediately had the thought/desire to cut off all my hair ... I had to fight myself not to do that. It was almost a need to express my grief as well as my anger, to disfigure my own beauty

(My H always loved my long hair)

 

Another thing that happened was that I STOPPED looking at myself in the mirror and that lasted for about three years.... if I applied makeup it was by using a hand held small mirror.

 

I also couldn't bear to look at any family photographs of us all. It's as though the photos of him and me & the kids were a lie, since he had been cheating over the previous three years and all those photos of him with a smiling face now seemed like his smirking.

 

And -- I stopped listening to music of any kind, for the three years as well. Even in my car, no radio on. Just silence.

Silence in which I could THINK.

Silence in my home. Silence in my bed.

 

Have you hurt yourself? Or hurt your Significant Other?

What does this mean?

Is it helpful in the long run?

 

Any thoughts on this?

 

Oh my goodness...

 

Music is so much a part of my soul. I listened to nothing but the worst rap music ever for about 8 months, because it was mindless, emotionless, mysoginistic and violent. It really kept me from being violent, and I can't explain it at all.

 

My hair grew back beautifully, even better than the pregnancy hair. It was a rebirth of sorts for me. I cut it too, because the OW had hair down to her butt, and I wanted to be the exact opposite of her.

[TearzShed]

I remember it vividly....the phone rang...a woman on the other end was looking for my H,I said he wasn't home and ask who she was....she said, this is his GF--his GF????????????? I told her she must have the wrong number/person...because I am the wife. She hung up.Two hours later she was at my doorsteps...with pictures of both of them-they looked very happy. MY H came home, GF was still in the house....H was shocked and told her to get out--I told H--lower your voice we do not want our neighbors to hear...She left but she harassed me for the next few weeks...I did not understand that part---H said she was nobody...I asked H if he wanted me to leave or if he wanted to leave..I didn't know what to do..didnt cry, didnt eat, didnt sleep, apparently for many days...next thing I knew I was in a Psych ward-on suicide watch---nobody understood, that taking one's own life is honorable when you are dishonored---Psychiatrist kept asking if I was ready to talk....I said no, I wanted to go home--except I didnt know where home was...when Psych asked my H why I felt that way...H said...'doc, I have no idea--it was all very sudden---plus she's Japanese"...I guess it explained everything...

 

What an ******* *******!!!!!

 

I think I was trying to die too. Unconsciously. Why would I stay in a world where people were so blatantly dishonest and uncaring? I felt like I woke up in an alternate universe...nothing was what it seemed. at all

[Athena]

I think I was trying to die too. Unconsciously. Why would I stay in a world where people were so blatantly dishonest and uncaring? I felt like I woke up in an alternate universe...nothing was what it seemed. at all

 

After D-day I had a very vivid dream one night after weeks of emotional suffering and wishing to be dead: I dreamed that my husband had ordered something for me which arrived in the mail. I opened the package up, and as I did so, an automatic inflatable rubber coffin instantly unfurled itself and inflated up to its full size. I looked at it and knew what to do -- I climbed inside it and pulled down the lid on myself. I had seen the big red button and I hesitated for just a moment before firmly pushing it to seal my end.

[porter218]

Wow that is an interesting thought (You possibly doing this as a kind of a test)... but WHY NOW? Why have you chosen this moment out of the past 18 months to feel this way.... What brought this feeling of insecurity back?

 

Recently I had come to the revelation that I felt like I had forgiven him, that we had recovered. That I could trust again. I havent checked up on him in months. Immediately after feeling that relief....I felt ...scared and now angry. I felt like by trusting him again, I could be setting myself up. That the rug could once again be pulled from beneath me. Somehow, I think I had more self-security when I was ok with not trusting him. And these past few days I have been saying to myself "You fool! To be caught unprepared would be 10X worse!".

 

Sick in a way, I'm sure

 

Is it possible that your intuition is sensing something on its radar that your consciousness has not yet picked up on?

Yes. I am seeing patterns in his behavior I have seen before when he was cheating. Well, I think so, but it could be just me. I do feel my spidey sense is kicking in.

 

But, my H is pretty narcissistic, not everyone's spouse is... it's almost like he can't help it.

 

BINGO.Yours is the first post that touches on my circumstance and feelings

Wow, this reminds me of exactly how I feel. I found myself recently feeling like I finally trust my H a little and it scares the sh*t out of me. Every time I trusted him the most is when he was out there doing his worst. I am terrified of being happy because that is when he breaks my heart. This cycles me all the way back to the anger of being betrayed and I just want off this rollercoaster.

[Athena]

Wow, this reminds me of exactly how I feel. I found myself recently feeling like I finally trust my H a little and it scares the sh*t out of me. Every time I trusted him the most is when he was out there doing his worst. I am terrified of being happy because that is when he breaks my heart. This cycles me all the way back to the anger of being betrayed and I just want off this rollercoaster.

 

You too?!

 

How many times has your H done this, then?

[porter218]

 

You too?!

 

How many times has your H done this, then?

I have gone through finding out about As 2 or 3 times but the last time I found out about lots more then one woman. Oh...he has put me through hell.

It is really strange reading this thread and for the first time seeing that more then one of us is going through the same emotions years after the D-day

[porter218]

I also noticed one of you guys mentioned turning off the radio. I did that too after the first A especially. What made matters worse I was on the road out of town with my H when I found out about the first one and we always listened to music while in the car but I couldn't handle it. We were stuck for three months with a lot of silent car rides. Some music made me so angry if it talked touched on the subject of sex that I day dreamed of hitting the car radio with a sledge hammer. And a few of his CD got snatched out of the player and thrown onto the highway,as we were driving, when they said something I didn't like . He would just look at me and want to complain but said nothing.