Payback, in a way

[ohlala147]

I was sitting around and feeling guilty about my strict no contact (since the dumping conversation). My ex was perfectly upstanding the entire time we went out. He write me a letter about two weeks later that was tender and asked for friendship. It hurts too much to do that. The only thing I'm salty over is that in retrospect I can see that he'd been planning it, and that hurts.

 

So, I started to have a weak moment and think that maybe my strict nc was too harsh, and maybe it's not his fault that he recognized our relationship was broken.

 

But then I had a thought: My strict nc is making him experience some semblance of what I'm going through.

 

The dumper experiences a different set of emotions, and they aren't as sad because they've already checked out of the relationship and gone through that process. So, to a great extent, the dumpee has no power and can't exact the same type of toll on the dumper because they don't car as much anymore. But, if there is emotion left at all, as I think there is in this situation, it should **** them up a little bit if you completely disregard their existence.

 

If they fell upset by it, the probably feel abandoned, rejected, a little miffed, the ego is bruised because they expected you to be destoryed, also grief, because you're just gone instantly. They didn't have the subsequent begging period that lets them reaffirm their decision to break up with all the pleading phone calls. ALL THESE EMOTIONS ARE EXACTLY WHAT I'M EXPERIENCING.

 

So it's only fair and comforting if I get to make them feel that way, in any degree.

 

What do you guys think, what does it do to the dumper if the dumpee just cuts them off completely, no problem. Drops the relationship like a wet sack of trash.

 

Does it affect them at all?

 

And what does the dumper expect the dumpee to do when they dump? Do they want them to fall apart and beg for their egos?

[DSM-IV Tom]

Some of the questions you are asking are far too general, and in reality are very relative to the specific people involved.

 

Why would you care what HE thinks when HE'S the one who hurt you? Why are you afraid of hurting him? Don't keep enabling this guy's potential ego, etc. Cut him off 100%. He broke up with you, you owe him nothing, you know?

 

Seriously? Come on. 100% NC. Stop beating yourself up. You sound like a very good person. Don't let yourself get drug through the mud, ya?

[alwayssme]

Everybody is different. I don't necessarily think the dumper (if he cares about you) necessarily wants you to fall apart. They probably would prefer you to beg or ask for another try but I dont think it makes them happy to see u hurt. I know my ex was crying when he saw me cry, he didnt want to hurt me. Then at times I felt like he was getting some kind of pleasure from all this, but maybe thats just in my head. Evreyone is different however.