orangehose Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I was hoping not to be writing this post at this point in time. It’s been 8 months since my breakup – went NC immediately because the manner in which my ex dumped me and behaved at the time was so gratuitously callous. For the last few months, I had been doing reasonably well, distracting myself with an endless stream of activities and socializing. But for the past few weeks, for unrelated reasons, I’ve had to curtail the endless distractions and live in relative isolation (which will continue for another few months). And I find myself thinking about the ex again, being often reminded of him, and having some of the old feelings re-emerge (albeit less intensely). It's not incapacitating, mostly just annoying. Some of this is just generic loneliness, or missing a close relationship. But some of it is perhaps not being completely over this jerk in particular – he captivated me in a way no one else has thus far. Even his flaws fascinated me, though they also would have made it disastrous to be involved with him in the long-run. But I've learned that attraction and logic are two separate things. Rationally knowing that someone would be bad for you doesn't erase all lingering nostalgic feeling for them. I haven’t really dated since then – more like hung out with a few guys. I don’t want to invest all this emotional energy in an unpredictable human being and risk going through another cycle of heartbreak. Just doesn’t seem worth it. Any advice as I try to work through this impasse? Grrr....
alwayssme Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I don't know why people assume that by 8 months you should be completely over the person. I know that by the time i reach 8 months, i will be somewhat over him (hopefully) but not completely. To find someone new and to fall in love are not exactly things you can decide on your own. It just happens. And to actually have a close intimate relationship in my opinion takes time. So as much as it sucks, having a serious relationship again will take some time. Even when you're sort of over the ex, you might miss the affection and simply having someone to love who loves you back. Keeping busy is a distraction. At the end of the day all the friends and the work in the world will not replace that amazing feeling of being in love, but it will distract you so you don't even have to think about it. And as for you putting so much effort into another person and being scared of getting hurt, I understand. You're not ready perhaps and whenever you do find someone your interested in, you'll be more cautious but you will find love again someday.
inulg Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 gosh, i'm in the same boat. exactly 9 months since my ex dumped me ( we were together for 7 yrs) .... not over him... and whenever i think i am, something stupid happens. i went 3 months NC and broke it today... why? because every other morning i wake up to thoughts of him. i dont know what to do? of course i called/ txt'ed and he didnt respond. which is fine, its a reminder to me that he doesn't have much of a heart for anyone but himself.... i wish i could say it'll get better but i havent been there yet i'm hoping soon i can find someone else and move on. because i'm wasting my time feeling pain for someone who doesnt deserve it.
Author orangehose Posted December 17, 2008 Author Posted December 17, 2008 I don't know why people assume that by 8 months you should be completely over the person. I know that by the time i reach 8 months, i will be somewhat over him (hopefully) but not completely. Thanks a bunch for your post, alwayssme. Heh - a couple of strangers on the internet can be pretty helpful At this point, I can't talk to my friends or family about lingering feelings, because they'd dismiss me as bizarre. I understand what you're saying about new love - there's no good replacement for emotional / physical intimacy. At the same time, I'd like to be 'over' things without the aid of a replacement. I want to feel that my life is complete as a single person. And, it sometimes has these past few months. But it takes a lot of work - reaching out to friends, going out, working out, keeping busy with hobbies. It's not as easy as coming home to someone you love. So yeah, I guess I need to get back to working hard on creating the fulfilling single life. I loosen up my regimen for a couple weeks, and wham! The feelings come back.
Author orangehose Posted December 17, 2008 Author Posted December 17, 2008 gosh, i'm in the same boat. exactly 9 months since my ex dumped me ( we were together for 7 yrs) .... not over him... and whenever i think i am, something stupid happens. i went 3 months NC and broke it today... why? because every other morning i wake up to thoughts of him. i dont know what to do? of course i called/ txt'ed and he didnt respond. which is fine, its a reminder to me that he doesn't have much of a heart for anyone but himself.... i wish i could say it'll get better but i havent been there yet i'm hoping soon i can find someone else and move on. because i'm wasting my time feeling pain for someone who doesnt deserve it. I understand the feeling of wasting time thinking about someone who doesn't give a rat's bum about you. Yesterday, I just let myself reminisce and pine to my heart's extent, and I reached a point where I realized, on a new level, that I could think of him the rest of my life and it wouldn't do me any good. Getting over someone isn't a war won in a single battle - it's a war that consists of thousands of little battles, namely each time your mind chooses to go in that direction . And that's where you have to rein your mind back in and focus on the present, on people and things that can actually give back to you.
kizik Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 Just think about how well you and I have hit it off, and hold hope that you'll meet a kizik in real life! Kind of kidding - but my point is that obviously you have the charm and intelligence to get a guy as discerning as myself interested. As Bob Marley says - and this is the best advice I have ever heard: Don't worry About a thing Because every little thing Gonna be alright
alwayssme Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 Thanks a bunch for your post, alwayssme. Heh - a couple of strangers on the internet can be pretty helpful At this point, I can't talk to my friends or family about lingering feelings, because they'd dismiss me as bizarre. I understand what you're saying about new love - there's no good replacement for emotional / physical intimacy. At the same time, I'd like to be 'over' things without the aid of a replacement. I want to feel that my life is complete as a single person. And, it sometimes has these past few months. But it takes a lot of work - reaching out to friends, going out, working out, keeping busy with hobbies. It's not as easy as coming home to someone you love. So yeah, I guess I need to get back to working hard on creating the fulfilling single life. I loosen up my regimen for a couple weeks, and wham! The feelings come back. I know what you mean that you want to feel "complete" as single and you will. However, I believe that everybody is different. Some people don't like being alone, even if they are over their ex and they're okay on their own, they still want somebody to love. It doesn't mean you're needy, it just means you want the affection. But as we all have learned, we're not always going to be with somebody..there will be times when we'll be hurt and lonely...and we have to be okay with it.
Author orangehose Posted December 17, 2008 Author Posted December 17, 2008 Just think about how well you and I have hit it off, and hold hope that you'll meet a kizik in real life! Kind of kidding - but my point is that obviously you have the charm and intelligence to get a guy as discerning as myself interested. As Bob Marley says - and this is the best advice I have ever heard: Don't worry About a thing Because every little thing Gonna be alright They don't make many kiziks on this planet, but here's to hoping Thanks for that awesome Marley verse.
LiveandLearn Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 I blame the damn holidays for your loneliness hehe. But yeah, we'll never be able to completely erase the memories of past relationships, unless someone builds a machine like that in Eternal Sunshine (haha! if only..I'd be rich). It's perfectly normal for us to have the desire to repress painful memories; to forget the unhappiness of the past and move on. I believe that repressing these feelings and memories is a form of self-mutilation. There may not be any visible, physical scars, but they do scar you within. So it's good to just "feel" what you're feeling. Feel it. Accept it. Then let it go. Your next relationship will thank you for not bringing in that emotional baggage from past relationships that you held onto by ignoring it. Distracting oneself with activities and people will only prolong the inevitable. If you feel like crying, then cry. Let it out. You'll feel better afterwards. I know I do. Sometimes all we need is a good cry Yeah some will say to think of all the bad things he has done to you to help you get over him and move on. That may work to some extent, but I think all it does it create ill feelings and in the long run it won't help the betterment of yourself to harbor such feelings. To be more on the positive side of things, it's fine to just think of all the wonderful times you spent together and the good qualities he possesses and try to just see the good in him and people in general. You'll feel better about yourself. There's nothing wrong with loving someone, even if they may not be the best person for you. But there is sure as hell someone that is better suited for you. And you definitely will find that person, or he'll find you. I'm still learning to practice what I preach
kizik Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 They don't make many kiziks on this planet, but here's to hoping Thanks my dear - that is really sweet. But, you have to adapt the attitude that there ARE many people like you and me out there - smart, kind, got burned but we are trying to shrug it off, and not hold it against anyone except the exes. There are a lot of great singles out there. Meeting em can be a bit tricky. Going back to the subject matter of this post - 8 months IS and IS NOT a lot of time. It's enough to feel over the terrible, emotional, how-can-I-live hump. But memories of him recurring is absolutely normal, and all it means is that YOU lived in those moments fully. You have nothing to regret. You needn't beat yourself up for not being completely over the guy. I once told SSG, and I am telling you now: all you ever did was love him. Is that wrong? No. What is wrong is how our exes chose to neglect that love, and how they gradually distanced themselves from us until everyone was unrecognizable. You're awesome, and if you forget it, I'm flying out there to kick your a$$.
PinkToes Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 Sometimes I think all you can really do is wait it out. It sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on the reality of the situation, and you aren't putting this guy on a pedestal, or blaming yourself for his failings. You're building a solid foundation for recovery, which I'm sure you know. I hate that the heart and mind sometimes go off in different directions! My toughest breakup seemed to go on and on (and on), and for the longest time, I couldn't imagine ever being interested in someone else. Then I took a vacation..... and started chatting up the time-share guy. I didn't want or expect it to go anywhere, but having a little unexpected crush definitely put the nail in the coffin. Hang in there!
dharris27 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 tonight i was out wrapping presents with some g-friends. Most of them are in great relationships with great guys, some i even wish i'd met before them they seem so great. There was also a recent divorced friend who's husband ran out on her with one of her friends and will never talk to her again...and another girl who lived with a guy for three years but had to kick him out. I was sitting there thinking, i'm pretty lucky really just to have me and to have been smart enough to get out of an unhealthly relationship once i knew he'd be bad for me. BUT LET ME TELL YOU how identical your sentiment is to mine this very evening. Your ex sounds EXACTLY like my ex and it's even been about a year since we broke up. I do think it's just that i haven't met anyone else who has captivated me as much as he did - although he turned out to be poisonous when mixed with me in a relationship - seems like he would with anyone but hey. Be lucky you don't have to see him though as i do with his new GF and be lucky you have a head on you shoulders and you can see why you feel what you feel. You sound sane enough that you deserve a person who will protect and nurture you and who knows when we will find these guys or they will find us. I say think of all the wonderful single women in the world who are doing what they do because they love their lives and lead by their examples. Be glad your relationship didn't end or exist as horribly as some have. Just focus on you and the positives and you'll draw only positive in your direction. Good luck this season! Let's pull through this together.
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