Reflection

[wmast]

Well we're all here in the same boat. We've all lost love and we are in pain. We come here day in and day out to get advice, to express our feelings, to give advice, all of which we hope will help us move on. It's hard. The pain from the rejection, lies, abandonment, cheating, etc really makes us question the idea of love in its entirety. Even more, some of us don't even know how to cope because we've never experienced this kind of pain. I'm one of these people.

 

When my ex left me, I couldn't even comprehend the loss. We were together for 5 years and BEST FRIENDS for 3 years before that. We've been through the best of times and the worst of times but we always weathered whatever storms came our way. So how could it be that someone who has been such a integral part of my life for more than 1/3 of my entire existance just decide to leave? I just didn't get it.

 

Then came the lies and the manipulation. She told me that she needed to take some "time off" to get her head straight. I figured that since we were in the middle of planning our wedding maybe she was just having cold feet. I explictly asked her if she was interested in seeing someone else and she said, "no, not at all". Needless to say she was lying. The time "off" became, "I need to see what else is out there, you were my only (real) boyfriend", and within days some guy was leaving her comments on her Myspace. The next thing you know she's in a new relationship and I'm left out in the cold.

 

I had so many questions but she didn't give me the time of day. This was my first love, this was my best friend, this is the woman who I was planning a wedding with so I think that an answer to my questions was warranted. But unfortunately all I got were lies.

 

The disrespect was so blatant. But for some reason I put up with it. This is where we become the post breakup doormat. Looking back I put up with it because I wasn't looking at the person she became but rather I was looking for the OLD her. I was so desperately searching for the girl I fell in love with, the girl who I use to hold in my arms, the girl who told me her greatest fears/ her biggest dreams, the girl who picked out our childrens' names; I was so desperatly looking for a girl who NO LONGER EXISTS.

 

What I've come to realize is that what when we love, we connect with our partners on an emotional, physical and spirtiual level. We put our ALL on the line. We trust our significant others with our lives which leaves us extremely vulnerable. There's something so secure about mutual true love, I think of it as a complete circle. But when that circle is broken, when it's violated, we don't know how to comprehend the violation. We try so desperately to fix the circle, to complete it once again that we don't see what's really going on. In my case, she NO LONGER FELT A FUTURE WAS WORTH IT WITH ME. If she did she would have never left my side. Not only that, her lies, her deceit, tells me that SHE NO LONGER RESPECTED ME. But again, I never saw that because I was so blinded. This is where we put them on the pedestal. To make matters worse she came back telling me she made the worst mistake and that she needed me back (but I see now that it was only her seeking an ego boost because she was likely having problems in her new relationship). But I won't even get into that, just really shows how selfish people can be and the utter lack of respect they have for the emotions of others.

 

So where does that leave us? We're left out in the cold for sure, we're left with this unbearable, undescribable pain. I know with me there were cetain things about the realization of the breakup that hurt me the most.

 

1. I felt like I had no purpose. Rather, it was more like there was no meaning to my future actions. For instance, I was actively saving money for our wedding, honeymoon, and for our living expenses. So here I am, I have 30k saved just for us and I'm left with the feeling of: "what now". That hurts. Having dreams and plans crushed... That hurts. Without dreams and hopes, what do we have to live for? What's the point?

But I've found that we just have to scrap our old plans and make new ones. Sure it will hurt but what other choice do we have? In my case it's been 7 months and I haven't touched the money saved; I almost memorialized it. By why??? Why shouldn't I go spend some of it on something good on myself, maybe go invest some of it, maybe give some to charity, etc... No reason to keep it there. Could it be that I'm subconsiously holding onto the past? Of course it is... And I can no longer do that. No reason to allow the past to limit me. The future is too bright.

 

2. I felt like- how could she go on without me? We pretty much went everywhere together, experienced everything together. And it's not so much that we felt that we always NEEDED to be with each other, it was more like we enjoyed experiencing life TOGETHER. So again, I was left questioning, how can you make new memories without me? That hurt BADLY. I was often invited out to different events but I always turned them down because I felt "what's the point of being happy, experiencing new things if she can't be there with me". Its like I felt guilty about having fun without her (weird I know). But once again can I allow her to dictate my happiness? Can I allow her to take up any more of my life? NOPE, I have to keep moving! She's not worried about being happy without me so I should have no qualms about being happy without her.

 

3. The lies she told me hurt me a lot. How could someone I trusted with my life lie to me? And worst of all, I did nothing to give her reason to lie. Like how can she just stand right in front of me, look me in the eyes and lie to me? Pretty much just shows me she has no respect for me. Someone who doesn't show me respect doesn't deserve my love. Someone like that doesn't deserve me pining over them. That's all I have to say about that.

 

4. Lastly, it hurts me to think that my trust in human beings, specifically another girl is absolutely shot. This is something I still need to reconcile within myself. How can I be expected to give my heart away again? I mean I've been so close with my ex for the past 8 YEARS and she burned me. How can I trust someone else? I know that I will just "have to" but I think it's waaaay easier said than done. I feel like I've been tainted, and I feel animosity towards my ex because I know I'm going to have a hard time in future relationships and that's neither fair to me or the next person I meet. But I guess such is life.

 

Anyway, I know this post is all over the place but I think most of all this breakup taught me that you can only trust in one person and that person is YOU. We have to treat ourselves right because we're all we have. I see the strength in myself that I never knew existed. I never thought I'd get past this but day by day I'm getting better, I'm moving forward. I LOVE myself more than I love her or anything else in this world for that matter. And that's how it should be! I will continue to make myself a better man physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I'm doing that for ME. I won't even say I'm doing it for my next love because none of that is important. If a new girl comes along then she'll come whether or not I'm looking. If she never comes, then atleast I know that I don't need someone else to complete me because I love myself too much.

 

Stay strong people. Love yourself and everything else will follow!

[alwayssme]

Wow. I love your post. I could have written it myself, everything you say is so true.

[Surfer Dude]

It was also so hard for me to believe that my love and fiance would lie to me and disrespect me so blatantly, cheat on me and tell me that I'm a pathetic person.

 

At some point they decide to leave and discard everything we worked so hard to achieve, they simply throw away all memories and all promises, just so that they could screw someone else.

 

I can't understand why people change so much, why they decide to leave after so much time like after 8 years. If she didn't have a good time then why not leave sooner? I simply can't understand the mindset of those people. How can they throw away all those years spent together?

 

My fiance of 2 years dumped me for another guy. When I asked her "is there another guy?" she looked me straight in the eyes and told me "there is no other guy, i'm telling you". Liar.

 

My trust in women is also shattered but hopefully I'll meet someone nice who won't raise my hopes and dump me after several years.

[EmperorR]

In the same boat as you all, my ex cheated, of course lied to me how she wanted to be alone. Then a week later in another guy's arm.

 

I'm talking to a girl now, she's nice and sweet but so was my ex at first. It;s extremely hard for me, because I've been a shy person who never lied to open up to anyone, and my ex was the first person i told everything, stuff I never told anyone else. And then in the end that some guy she just met was held in higher regards than me. That I was jsut tossed to the side like a piece of trash, no remorse from her nothing.

 

I know it's wrong but whomever I date or whomever i am with in a relationship again i'll always hold some emotions back, I'll always be prepared for the worse.

 

I won't lie I was pathetic after she dumped me, I just wanted her the old her I didn't want to be alone, I couldn't see my life without her, I begged I pleaded, I allowed her to say i'm the reason she cheated on me, I allowed myself to be a "friend", i allowed her to direspect me by telling me about her new crush at school, how he was so sweet because he bought her a stupid donut. Even though I wanted to call her a whore etc., I said nothing because I didn't want to push her away (ya i was a idiot). It's funny how she told me at the end, Oh I never knew you loved me so much I just realized her immaturity, she did nothing for me, I'm the one who travelled 2 hours there 2 hours back 3-4 times a week sometimes even to see her for ten minutes and never complained for over 3 years.

 

Until one day I just asked her how her grandparents who are dying were and she told me to foregt about us, that was the final straw, but even before I went NC I wrote a long stupid letter something I wish I never did.

 

For 3 years, everytime she was crying felt bad I was there, she would call me at 3am some nights how she's scared and I would talk with her even though I had work early in the morning. Everytime she cried I was there cheering her up. The one time i cried after she cheated and dumped me sand said we were friends, she had to go, it's like i never existed like I was just a stranger.

 

I know how it feels, I invested 17k in stocks, don't even want to look at my portfolio probably lost so much, had a down payment on a condo, saving for the future. And you know what one of the worst things was she couldn't even tell me to my face that she dumped me and cheated on me she had to tell me through a txt message after 3 years that's all i was worth a friggin text message.

 

And I know what your talking about, even though she's not in your life, it's like she still dictates it, I started talking to girls etc. but I felt like I was cheating on her, what if she comes back and finds me dating another girl (ya I was a idiot), but luckily im past that stage.

 

btw nice post, I've read your other threads etc., i'm 23 myself, and it sucks that at such a young age I already feel tainted. I feel tainted myself, the worst thing is when you do nothing to make the other partner cheat, you treat them with love and respect and they do i tanyways. It's like what do I have to do, I know every woman is different. But I treated my ex like a queen and she still cheated, it's like blah what to do.

 

But I know better days are ahead, I know I deserve something better than this, all im asking for from God is a woman who is faithful that's it. I'm done caring about looks.

[Benique]

Wmast,

you are not alone in your boat . No,I do not mean ,that there would be so many with same stories,

but the undertsanding of the supreme truth - to Love One Own Self ,

came to you the moment you needed it most of all . You know what ?

It is just a selfdefence .

I think,you will again love someone new with same passion:),

as you are such . It is YOU yourself . I believe each and every word you wrote. But tell me now, WTF for she left if you were so complete together ? I think , it is YOU ,who can make it all Complete . And I applause to you for such an understanding ,for such words and for the feelings you have and had .

 

You will love. Again . And your love will again take you to heavens . Heavens which you deserve .

 

 

I am estimating you very high for your understanding of love,of life and of intimacy so deep. Everyone should understand them same way as you do .

 

 

Applauding standing .

 

 

____________________________________________________

 

"Husbands and wives, who sincerely loved each other during their earthy lives,live together again , albeit the mode of communication is the thought, and not the speech."

[alwayssme]

i wasnt cheated on or nothing but i was left because he "fell out of love" ...but we kept in touch because "i care about u so much, i'm ALWAYS here for you, i love you." Then I find out from looking at his facebook, he's been hanging out and flirting with his ex EVER SINCE HE LEFT ME...So i tried not to make assumptions...Thinking maybe he wasn't talking to her when he was with me? Maybe they really just started talking after we broke up....Nonetheless I felt so hurt, I mean COME ON ITS HIS EX!!! it wasnt just any other girl...i felt so humiliated...his comments made me feel sick, the way he was flirting with her...it cut me in half...And mind you while I was with him, his ex tried everything to break us up...me and her had so many arguments...and now he is ""friends"" with her? After telling me he doesnt know what he ever saw in her and that after all the stuff she's done he realized she was immature. And now he's on her a*s*s....I wonder if he actually started talking to her before leaving me...BUT i give him the benefit of a doubt and still think he is such a wonderful person..now i know why he deleted me off his facebook and was not very concerned about my feelings...why would he be? he filled his days with her while i filled mine with tears...its so funny if there was to be a movie where it show both sides....i would look so stupid crying and hurting while he's out there living his life and having a good time.

[alwayssme]

Emepror, I have no comments for your ex. I'm sorry you went through this, you sound like a great person and im sure God will reward you for it. Mark my words for it, she wont make it very far and when her life falls to pieces she WILL come back crying to you.