californiadreaming Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 So, I have been doing pretty well thus far this weekend. Yesterday, I woke up and helped finish the touches on Christmas stuff around the house, then I took a drive through Pasadena around sunset, listening to down tempo, and enjoying the Christmas madness. She has been on my mind, but I haven't had the urge to contact her like I did last weekend. Today, I was in bed thinking about it all, and I begin to think about the e-mail she replied to my e-mail on Nov. 24th. For those of you who don't know here is a recap of what happened. Friday night ( The 21st) I wanted to spend time with my ex, but because she wasn't giving me what I wanted I got mad and turned my cell phone off. ( Its alot more more detail to it) All day Saturday she called me asking me to pick her up, I listened to the messages, and never called. Sunday, I knew she had to work an event. So I didn't call, I had a missed call @ 12pm from a restricted number, I assumed it was her, but never tried to call her. Well monday I sent her an e-mail that read: "Good morning, I'd like to apologize for ending things this way, but it just seemed that there was no other way to do it. I could sit here and explain everything word for word about my choices but I rather not. Just like I have explained over and over this weekend to people who asked I just think that we have grown apart, and don't value each other anymore. When it get's to that point in a relationship the best thing to do is let it go. With that said no hard feelings, I hope we can eventually talk, and I will contact you about the car soon. Take care" Now I know that I dug my own grave. I am fully aware of this. So please do not remind me of that because I am past the guilt stage, and I don't want to dwell on guilt. I know that I was wrong for everything that I am recognizable for from day 1. With that said she replied with an email that said this: This weekend taught me a lot. I just never thought this is how far you would take it. I mean I know you’ve tried to let go before, but I just can’t continue to fight the way I have, when you obviously don’t want me. If you don’t want me, then I have to accept that. I’m lying to myself if I don’t. I want you to know that I love you, and I never stopped loving you and anything you ever thought wrong about me is just that…wrong! I never did wrong by you. The car is yours, you know that. I can’t take on that burden, and I hope you wouldn’t do that to me. I hope you can at least help me with that. Maybe someday, we can come to our senses." Well if you read my first post you know that, No more then 5 hours went by and I knew I had made a HUGE mistake. Since then our relationship has not been the same.[/she says she needs time to heal, we need to both be strong before we can talk about being together, and so much more. At the same time I haven't spoken with her in weeks, seen her in almost a month, and it hurts. I posted this because when I read it this morning I felt good. It felt good for me to know that I have completely stepped out of my human shell to take a look at who I was. What I was capable of, and actually say "wow" you were really that guy. There was a point about 2-3 weeks ago when it almost made me throw up to think about how bad I was to this woman. I hurt so bad because I could not change these things. I could not do anything to keep my phone on, and keep her here. Now, I am sad, and very hurt that I lost this woman whether for now or forever. But, I am very happy that I had the opportunity to experience this opportunity to see who I was, and most of all this opportunity to change. I know & believe in GOD. He is so present in my life at all times that it is not funny. It just amazes me how he uses every living thing on earth to help you experience, then learn, then grow. I'm not going to sit and argue about if she is coming back or not. I will say though that I will need future coaching on how to make all of my change work with her back in the picture. I thank you guys so much for the patience & advice. I'm working hard to make it through this day. God Bless [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]
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