sacg Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Well now im finally posting here I feel numb. A quick brief is I let her down emotionally and neglected her, she left me and ended up with a mutual friend. Has been with him for the last 5 months, and Ive been going through so much pain. She lied an lied, she says to protect me. Well last night she rings me at 1.30am and she's outside my house. She's finished with him. She stayed the night, and we talked. She mentioned she woud like to try again with us. I am in total shock.
BikerBeagle Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Congratulations, I guess? Maybe this will be a success story, but don't let the excitement blind you to the problems that caused the break-up in the first place. I noticed you have 79 posts ...you should go back and review those. Reconciliations only work if you are able to resolve issues of the past ...otherwise, they'll eat you alive. You already know that she lied to you (regardless of the reason), is she showing any remorse for that? ...any commitment to not lie again? ...neither of which, btw, would necessarily keep it from happening again ...but she has to accept her mistakes (as do you). Truly, I wish you all the luck in the world ...but go in with your eyes open this time.
Author sacg Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 Not sure yet emporer, my heart wants to, I love her so much, but I dont know about dealing with the pain she caused and the fact she was with someone else so long. I dont want to jump in and it be dead sbefore we start, i need to be as susre as I can, i need to know she is as committed too. its a really strange situation. I dont know if we can get back what we had. Biker - its not excitement yet, Its total shock. Im all over the place mentally. As I said, i love her, i havent stopped in the 5 months shes been gone, and with him. And I have learnt a lot in that time, i know where I went wrong and what caused the split. But i feel betrayed, she used to make me feel so secure, i dont feel like that at this point, obviously. Its so confusing. And she has shown remorse, like you say though, no assurities can ever be taken really, its about rebuildig i guess. Lucrez, she dumped him. Its been flakey for weeks. I knew this guy before, what he was capable of how he is, and this would come out in the end, she found out the grass isnt greener and that he's an *******. I just wish she hadnt come straight round mine, i feel almost like the back up, the fall back guy. I dont think she would do that to me now, but i never thought she could leave and be with another either.
JooLee Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 wow, i guess if u really love her and you feel you can try to push all that has happened in the past and work on it, you have the chance to be happy with her again. but if you feel you cant and that whats done is done, then let her know. but your problem now is you are not sure of what you are feeling or what you want. sit down and think to yourself, is she still worth it? is she still someone you can spend your future with? i wish i was in your situation and i know exactly what i'll do in, which is to tell the person that i once adore and loved that it is too late and the door to my heart has closed - and to kiss my big fat ass. anyhow, thats me, i dont know about you. some people do manage to work it out in the end, like i said, its the matter of if she's still worth your time, emotions, etc. its hard to view the person as the angel they were especially after they stepped and threw your heart to the side for the rats to feast on. good luck to you.
tommiw Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I can understand how confused you must feel, but try to think clearly and take your time. If you two are meant to be, time doesn't matter. But all I can say is: it's not going to be easy.
loveisconfusing Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Not sure if this is good advice or not or if you should even listen to me after what I am going through... But... If you want to be back with her do it. Don't take to long thinking it over. My ex told me everything and anything I wanted to hear to get me back after we broke up and I took a while to consider it and make sure and them boom... She ended up moving on and with someone else. Some will say then it was not meant to be. I say if your going to do it or not make a decision soon and stick by it. If you really love the girl and want to be with her don't bring up the past. Don't hold it against her. Just move forward. Be positive and happy and make the best out of what you are forming now. If you bring up the negatives in the past or hold it against her it will ruin the relationship and it will fail. You will have to focus on the positive things and make sure you live the relationship in the fullest in a positive manner and never let down.
Eli_Peterson Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Pretty cool! Sometimes it happens just that easily but it's always good to hear something cool like that. I can't imagine what it took for her to show up outside your door! That took some guts! Just be sure this is really what you want and congrats to you!
D-Lish Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I think, in your shoes, I'd also be upset that she came to you so quickly. Whose head is clear immediately following a break up? I'd just proceed with caution.
CaliGuy Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 You seem to be the stand-by guy. So what did she lie and lie about? You need to ask yourself some hard questions. Why are you so apt to take her back given the pain she caused? If you take her back so easily, she will know that she can walk away at any time and you'll happily take her back, just like any lap dog. My last question. Do you love and respect yourself? If so, what you SHOULD do will be perfectly clear to you.
Star Gazer Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I think, in your shoes, I'd also be upset that she came to you so quickly. Whose head is clear immediately following a break up? I'd just proceed with caution. I'd be VERY hesitant and cautious under these circumstances.
mark982 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 go slow on this. unless you resolve the past problems, they're only gonna repeat themselves. also, what's to stop her from doing this again?
dead-dyke Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I think, in your shoes, I'd also be upset that she came to you so quickly. Whose head is clear immediately following a break up? I'd just proceed with caution. 100% agree w/ this. Be very careful, lest you get hurt again...
Oscar51 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Yea man...Tread lightly It's not easy being someone's second choice. You need to somehow get across the point that she shattered your heart at one point. If you just allow her to walk right back in, she will always know that she has power over you. That's never good.
Author sacg Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Thanks guys for all your posts and concerns. Dont worry, After the initial shock I am starting to see how things need to proceed, with caution as you say. Yes i do love her, but I really dont know if I will deal with the other guy and what she chose to do, i suppose unfortunately this would only become apparant when the relationship is in full flow. How do I gain the high ground, how do I regain some control? How can you ever get assurances, i dont belive you can. i know how important this is and I feels the like the underdog at the moment and dont want that. Its such a mess really, she was everyhting to me, when we were together she meade me feel so comfortable, so secure, I dont feel that way at all at this moment, and I dont know if she can make me feel that way again.
daithi Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Thanks guys for all your posts and concerns. Dont worry, After the initial shock I am starting to see how things need to proceed, with caution as you say. Yes i do love her, but I really dont know if I will deal with the other guy and what she chose to do, i suppose unfortunately this would only become apparant when the relationship is in full flow. How do I gain the high ground, how do I regain some control? How can you ever get assurances, i dont belive you can. i know how important this is and I feels the like the underdog at the moment and dont want that. Its such a mess really, she was everyhting to me, when we were together she meade me feel so comfortable, so secure, I dont feel that way at all at this moment, and I dont know if she can make me feel that way again. Congratulations dude, relationships are about partnerships not about control. So try to listen to what she is really saying. your only job in this relationship is to make her happy.
CaliGuy Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Congratulations dude, relationships are about partnerships not about control. So try to listen to what she is really saying. your only job in this relationship is to make her happy. I disagree. His job is to be himself and make himself happy. He is not responsible for making her happy. We are on the only people on this planet responsible for our wants, needs and happiness. Assuming otherwise is why we often end up hurt and dejected and make the wrong assumptions about what a relationship is about. It's about sharing your life and experiences. Not about making someone else happy... OP: My advice to you is to get away from her for now. Let her clear her head on her own. Don't enable her right now. She made this bed, let her lay in it for a while. Trust me, if she really wants you because of you, if you don't cater to her she won't be angry. If she is just using you, then well, you'll find out soon enough. You're right. You have absolutely no guarantee that she won't do the same thing again. That's the main reason, I believe, why second chances never work out. The trust is gone. Trust and respect make up the foundation on which true love is based. Without either, well, the relationship is really on shaky ground (no pun intended). Cheers.
Author sacg Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Update, after a totally crappy xmas allowed to happen by my own foolishness. Tip: Tread carefully people, whenever the ex surfaces, tead VERY carefully. Yes i was concerned about the fact she came to me the night she left HIM. Rightly so, and I should have been stronger. Ive been hurt all over again and totally messed up in the head, over this holiday period too, which seems to makes things worse. We met, we had a good night. Two weeks later she calls and says to delete her number again, not to contact her anymore???? quite nastily and abrupty too, consodering i took her in at her time of need!! She needs space...again, (although i think this is another lie to get me out of the way) after coming round and saying what she did. i even think shes considering taking him back, after what he has done, its unreal. I feel terrible, used, needed for support and dropped again like a rag doll. She is very aggressive now, even more so that she has been. what is wrong with her? What is wrong with me? How can people do this to other people? Last contact i had from her was today saying to **** off and she hopes she never hears my name again. I didnt do anything?? Well i did, i drove past his to see if she was with him, to nail this for me, and she was there (apparantly collecting money), but she went mental. She even blames me for her coming round mine the night she left him as Ive been there for the last few months. Maybe i have, maybe ive clouded everything. This is horrible, i never thought it would get nasty, considering what she did, i never ever got nasty with her or slated her. Why?
EmperorR Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Update, after a totally crappy xmas allowed to happen by my own foolishness. Tip: Tread carefully people, whenever the ex surfaces, tead VERY carefully. Yes i was concerned about the fact she came to me the night she left HIM. Rightly so, and I should have been stronger. Ive been hurt all over again and totally messed up in the head, over this holiday period too, which seems to makes things worse. We met, we had a good night. Two weeks later she calls and says to delete her number again, not to contact her anymore???? quite nastily and abrupty too, consodering i took her in at her time of need!! She needs space...again, (although i think this is another lie to get me out of the way) after coming round and saying what she did. i even think shes considering taking him back, after what he has done, its unreal. I feel terrible, used, needed for support and dropped again like a rag doll. She is very aggressive now, even more so that she has been. what is wrong with her? What is wrong with me? How can people do this to other people? Last contact i had from her was today saying to **** off and she hopes she never hears my name again. I didnt do anything?? Well i did, i drove past his to see if she was with him, to nail this for me, and she was there (apparantly collecting money), but she went mental. She even blames me for her coming round mine the night she left him as Ive been there for the last few months. Maybe i have, maybe ive clouded everything. This is horrible, i never thought it would get nasty, considering what she did, i never ever got nasty with her or slated her. Why? Ouch sorry man, ya it always seems they come back when there down in despair but once they rise above the ashes they don't need you again.
paperchase Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Man, I feel bad for you. You're dealing with the inherent dangers of trying to rekinkle love. But you should have never driven by her lover's house. You did the very thing that NC is trying to combat. You showed her you were jealous and lost a lot of dignity there. That pushed her away. Actually, that made her run for the border and confirmed all her suspicious while validating her decision to leave you. You also violated her privacy and women who want space definitely want privacy. I know hearing this doesn't help, but it's a lesson learned. When they leave you, and they crawl back, don't regress in your behavior no matter what happens. All the NC in the world might not fix your relationship. But it's not too late to fix yourself.
northstar1 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Update, after a totally crappy xmas allowed to happen by my own foolishness. Tip: Tread carefully people, whenever the ex surfaces, tead VERY carefully. Yes i was concerned about the fact she came to me the night she left HIM. Rightly so, and I should have been stronger. Ive been hurt all over again and totally messed up in the head, over this holiday period too, which seems to makes things worse. We met, we had a good night. Two weeks later she calls and says to delete her number again, not to contact her anymore???? quite nastily and abrupty too, consodering i took her in at her time of need!! She needs space...again, (although i think this is another lie to get me out of the way) after coming round and saying what she did. i even think shes considering taking him back, after what he has done, its unreal. I feel terrible, used, needed for support and dropped again like a rag doll. She is very aggressive now, even more so that she has been. what is wrong with her? What is wrong with me? How can people do this to other people? Last contact i had from her was today saying to **** off and she hopes she never hears my name again. I didnt do anything?? Well i did, i drove past his to see if she was with him, to nail this for me, and she was there (apparantly collecting money), but she went mental. She even blames me for her coming round mine the night she left him as Ive been there for the last few months. Maybe i have, maybe ive clouded everything. This is horrible, i never thought it would get nasty, considering what she did, i never ever got nasty with her or slated her. Why? This girl has serious mental issues my friend, which you know. I know it hurts, and lessons learned cruelly, but this is a strong sign to move on and never deal with her again. She has issues beyond what you should ever have to deal with. You deserve much better.
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