audrey_1 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Yes, I know the feeling. Everything you've said mirrors the situation I just walked away from. And the advice you've gotten is everything I heard while I was going through it. Believe that he doesn't want a relationship. Don't dupe yourself into thinking you are a priority or will "win" in the end. The guy in my situation was seeing and sleeping with someone else. I found out by accident over Thanksgiving, when I dropped by to say "hi" when I got into town. He had just recently suffered a lower back injury, and she was massaging his butt. Nice one, huh? Walk away and don't look back, if you have any emotions invested. If they continue to grow, and the more time you put into it, the harder it will be in the end. It took me over a year to wise up. Sure, it was fun for a while, but you're right, it does make you feel used and your self-esteem can begin to erode if you're not careful. The time you spend with this commitment-phobic, wandering-eye cad is time you could be spent doing ANYTHING else, or at least making yourself available to someone who WILL genuinely care. Or so I keep telling myself.
Author bigchickenpie Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Well... I have to say, that based on your replies, the outlook is quite grim. I've been trying very hard not to kid myself. And like I said before, I don't know that I really want him. But it's still a bothersome notion that he doesn't want ME.I think now that I've decided that I'm going to break it off with him once I've gotten my fill has given me a sense of control back. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to do, but he's using me. Why can't I use him? I don't like that he has all the cards. I wanna be able to take control of this myself. At the very least lay some ground rules.
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Well... I have to say, that based on your replies, the outlook is quite grim. I've been trying very hard not to kid myself. And like I said before, I don't know that I really want him. But it's still a bothersome notion that he doesn't want ME.I think now that I've decided that I'm going to break it off with him once I've gotten my fill has given me a sense of control back. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to do, but he's using me. Why can't I use him? I don't like that he has all the cards. I wanna be able to take control of this myself. At the very least lay some ground rules. In many ways, you're not breaking off a relationship with him because you're not in one, by his standards. You can discuss your issues with him and see if he changes his mind. If he doesn't, then move on. It's kind of unfair to say to him, I'm done with you, with no explanation, especially when he's told you he doesn't want a relationship all along. Also, controlling someone else due to insecurities, will only result in negative behaviour on his part. Explain your boundaries, then if he agrees to them, enforce them when needed. If he disagrees with your boundaries, then he'll either try to negotiate, passive-aggressively break them or walk.
Author bigchickenpie Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 In many ways, you're not breaking off a relationship with him because you're not in one, by his standards. You can discuss your issues with him and see if he changes his mind. If he doesn't, then move on. It's kind of unfair to say to him, I'm done with you, with no explanation, especially when he's told you he doesn't want a relationship all along. Also, controlling someone else due to insecurities, will only result in negative behaviour on his part. Explain your boundaries, then if he agrees to them, enforce them when needed. If he disagrees with your boundaries, then he'll either try to negotiate, passive-aggressively break them or walk. Oh my god. You guys are seriously smart. I'm not trying to control HIM though. I'm trying to take some control of the situation. I don't like that he's in control. I'm saying that I'm gonna "break up" with him because I'm fairly certain that if I lay out my boundaries he's not gonna be happy with them. So, I'm kinda preparing myself for not seeing him again.
tidalwave Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Well... I have to say, that based on your replies, the outlook is quite grim. I've been trying very hard not to kid myself. And like I said before, I don't know that I really want him. But it's still a bothersome notion that he doesn't want ME.I think now that I've decided that I'm going to break it off with him once I've gotten my fill has given me a sense of control back. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to do, but he's using me. Why can't I use him? I don't like that he has all the cards. I wanna be able to take control of this myself. At the very least lay some ground rules. listen, as long as you both are being honest, it really doesnt matter. YOU DONT NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP ANYWAY!!! all these "made up" rules about how you or him should act, are just society telling you to be like them. you dont need a sense of control, you dont need verbal contracts or written contracts, just live life and have fun. so what if he dates others, if both of you are honest you will find that you will have less of a problem than you think. honesty is the key. lay those ground rules and then just live. you dont have to have contracts to be happy. just because he doesnt want a contract doesnt mean he doesnt want you. believe me! i am currently dating a few people and that is my choice, i actually like all of them and enjoy their company and there is nothing wrong with that. your friends, family, people on this site even cant tell you whats right for you. why do you want to be in a relationship so bad anyway? answer that question. when someone says "i am looking for a long term relationship" it scares the hell out of me because that tells me that they are looking for a relationship more than looking for someone that they vibe and are compatible with. you should look for a great person then see where that goes, trying to force someone - one way or the other - will only lead to disaster, i speak from past experience. P.S. I came up with the term "verbal contract," i have no reason for stating that, just want everyone else who reads this to know, lol.
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 tidalwave, she's already expressed how unhappy she is with the state of the existing interaction. If she were happy with them, why would she be posting about her unhappiness? Whatever works for you, great, glad to hear you're happy. Glad to hear that you've found women who are happy with your arrangement. The OP is clearly unhappy so she's going to do something about it, not just continuing to suck it up, just to keep a guy who doesn't want a relationship.
tidalwave Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 tidalwave, she's already expressed how unhappy she is with the state of the existing interaction. If she were happy with them, why would she be posting about her unhappiness? Whatever works for you, great, glad to hear you're happy. Glad to hear that you've found women who are happy with your arrangement. The OP is clearly unhappy so she's going to do something about it, not just continuing to suck it up, just to keep a guy who doesn't want a relationship. sorry trial, i am not trying to push my own agenda. i didnt think that was what she was saying. i am probably wrong, but i thought she liked him, and would be in a relationship with him if that is what he wanted so to me that means she does like him. whether she will admit it or not i bet you she feels pressure to be in a relationship more than she feels pressure to dump someone she doesnt like. i think she likes him, and if she does, then why not just enjoy him without putting restrictions, limitations and contracts on it? whats wrong with my advice, it is just advice, she can take it or leave it. people get so bent out of shape about this relationship stuff because its true - you dont really have to be in one. i dont discourage anyone who wants too, i am just trying to point out an alternative. the OP thought that him showing an interest or caring about certain things or buying things constituted a need to be in a relationship and i was just trying to give a different prospective. i am not trying to kill anyone's dreams of "true love" and "long-lasting" committed relationships, i am just stated my opinion and offering my advice, dont kill me!
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I'm not trying to kill you tidalwave. Do express away but keep in mind that I also have a right to express away. It's possible my interpretation is inaccurate of what her issues are. She appears to want more than what this guy is offering, which is the pleasure of his company. She's got a great point about STD concern, in a situation of non-exclusivity.
tidalwave Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I'm not trying to kill you tidalwave. Do express away but keep in mind that I also have a right to express away. It's possible my interpretation is inaccurate of what her issues are. She appears to want more than what this guy is offering, which is the pleasure of his company. She's got a great point about STD concern, in a situation of non-exclusivity. The STD concern can be fixed with honesty and being smart. its up to him to be responsible whether she knows it or not so either she will talk to him and trust him or go her seperate way. i think honesty is the best policy. as long as you are honest, there is nothing to hide
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 You're making the assumption that condoms are safe. They're not. Exclusivity isn't 100% safe due to past interactions and cheating but if people are being honest and have been tested regularly, the risk of catching an STD, go down.
Author bigchickenpie Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 You guys both raise excellent points, which is further adding to my confusion. I keep flip flopping back and forth between my options: 1) Lay ground rules and tell him that he's either in a relationship with me, or not. And if it's not he's got to clarify his messages and stop sending me mixed signals because it's screwing me up; or 2) Keep him around until someone better comes along, because that's undoubtedly what he's doing to me; or 3) Break things off with him completely. The way I feel right now, I'm opting for option 1, but this afternoon I'll probably change my mind. Maybe I should just add another option. 4) Stab my eyes out with rusty scissors. But tidalwave is right. Some of the reason I feel used is because everyone is telling me I'm being used. I really didn't have a problem with this arrangement until I kinda started getting confused and then began telling those around me about the situation. So, some of it is societal/friends/family view points that are influencing my feelings. Oh blah. Maybe it really would be easier to just stop seeing him so then I can maybe put an end to my endless indecision!!! Where are you, scissors?!
You'reasian Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I never date anyone who says that they don't want a relationship....I'm also not sure that I actually want a relationship. If you show signs of what you've just said, most guys who do want some kind of meaningful relationship will be hesitant with you.
You'reasian Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 But tidalwave is right. Some of the reason I feel used is because everyone is telling me I'm being used. I really didn't have a problem with this arrangement until I kinda started getting confused and then began telling those around me about the situation. So, some of it is societal/friends/family view points that are influencing my feelings. Oh blah. Maybe it really would be easier to just stop seeing him so then I can maybe put an end to my endless indecision!!! Where are you, scissors?! If this guy told you that he thinks he's falling in love with you, how would you respond?
tidalwave Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 You guys both raise excellent points, which is further adding to my confusion. I keep flip flopping back and forth between my options: 1) Lay ground rules and tell him that he's either in a relationship with me, or not. And if it's not he's got to clarify his messages and stop sending me mixed signals because it's screwing me up; or 2) Keep him around until someone better comes along, because that's undoubtedly what he's doing to me; or 3) Break things off with him completely. The way I feel right now, I'm opting for option 1, but this afternoon I'll probably change my mind. Maybe I should just add another option. 4) Stab my eyes out with rusty scissors. But tidalwave is right. Some of the reason I feel used is because everyone is telling me I'm being used. I really didn't have a problem with this arrangement until I kinda started getting confused and then began telling those around me about the situation. So, some of it is societal/friends/family view points that are influencing my feelings. Oh blah. Maybe it really would be easier to just stop seeing him so then I can maybe put an end to my endless indecision!!! Where are you, scissors?! feels good to know that i am right. people pressure others into conforming. you should just do what makes you happy no matter how other people feel about that. dont be confused, just do what you want. dump him, stay with him, or get those scissors... just do what makes you happy - PERIOD!
Author bigchickenpie Posted December 17, 2008 Author Posted December 17, 2008 If this guy told you that he thinks he's falling in love with you' date=' how would you respond?[/quote'] Uhm... I have no idea to be honest. I like to take things slow. I think that we haven't been seeing each other long enough, in my opinion, so that it might freak me out a little bit. I think my reaction would probably be positive overall, but I like to take things at a nice relaxed pace. Which makes me even more irritated because I'm not planning on doing anything differently with Loser Face. Yes... I've taken to calling him immature names. Just makes me feel better. tidalwave: Haha thank you. I'll do that. Once I figure out what's going to make me happy.
Trialbyfire Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 If you were truly happy with the status quo, you wouldn't have started to question the issue. Something to consider.
Author bigchickenpie Posted December 17, 2008 Author Posted December 17, 2008 Ah! You're right! You're all right!
You'reasian Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 If you show signs of what you've just said' date=' most guys who do want some kind of meaningful relationship will be hesitant with you.[/quote'] And there's nothing wrong with this if you don't know what you want and enjoy short-term flings.
BubblyPopcorn Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 You'reasian made a good point, perhaps you need to figure yourself out first and address your own intimacy barriers in the interim. Everyone has them, we just conceal and manage them differently. Try to let go of some of the reigns and be less squishy and less fickle. You both may have very different views when it comes to commitment but are they unyielding or are they workable? Try to get a sense of each other first and what your views are on the matter and whether or not you can overcome those differences.
Trialbyfire Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 Ah! You're right! You're all right! No, we're all wrong. You have to decide what works for you, what makes you happy and is good for you, not only in the short run but the long run. People think too short-term sometimes.
AlektraClementine Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 I'm confused. If you aren't sure that you even want a relationship with this guy, then why would you consider giving him the ultimatum "either you're in a relationship with me or not". May I humbly suggest that you stick to one of the ideas you came up with yourself. You just don't want the ball to be in his court. He's playing a better game of "one on one" than you are and it's messing with your ego. Why don't you try going on a date with a different guy. He's obviously given you the freedom to. Use it. (and no, not in a testy or gamey way to get back at Michael Jordan over here). Just go out with someone else. IMO, you are wasting a looooot of energy on some dude who's rationing his energy quite well. And probably rationing it out to more girls than just yourself.
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