bigchickenpie Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Hi. I'm 23 years old and I've been seeing a guy for four months, five come the beginning of January. When I first met him, he pursued me relentlessly and I kind of finally just gave into his advances. He told me from the very start that he wasn't looking for anything serious and that was perfectly fine for me because I wasn't sure if I wanted him (and I'm still not sure, haha). Anyway, for a guy that doesn't want a relationship he sure is the king of mixed signals. He tells me he doesn't want anything serious yet he texts/calls me nearly every day. Mostly just to say hi or to hear my voice or something lame like that. I NEVER text or call him. In fact, I'm probably a little cold with him because I've tried to avoid opening up to a guy that has told me he doesn't want a relationship. He says he doesn't want me to be attached to him yet he drives an hour from his town and back to visit me. He wants to make sure that I don't get the wrong idea and continually reminds me that he doesn't want a relationship yet he tells me how beautiful I am, always wants to know about the guys I may mention on my Facebook status updates (which he seems to check almost obsessively) and asks me if I ever found someone else if I would keep him around. (If I found someone else I wouldn't HAVE to keep you around, idiot!) He also told me recently that he doesn't know what he wants. He said that he doesn't want a relationship, but it sucks coming home to an empty house. He's also bought me presents out of the blue, cooked me dinner, I've met his best friend and he's also met my best friend, he's talked about me to his other friends, I've been to his place a couple of weekends and he makes plans well in advance with me. But on Thursday he called me, again, just to hear my voice but he finished the conversation with "I just wanted to call you and hear your voice but I don't want a relationship. I'll talk to you later, bye!" That sure irritated me. Anyway, any ideas as to what the hell this guy wants? I haven't come out and asked him because I don't know what I want from him, and I don't want him to think that I'M asking HIM for a relationship because I'm not even sure I want that from him. Plus, he seems to think that all girls go effin' crazy when you actually get into a relationship with them, and he probably thinks I'm gonna start naming our children if he expresses any further interest in me. But yeah, any advice? This guy has been driving me crazy because one moment I think I know what he wants the next, he has me completely baffled because he's acting like my boyfriend. Help please!!!
norajane Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I wasn't sure if I wanted him (and I'm still not sure, haha). In fact, I'm probably a little cold with him I've tried to avoid opening up to a guy that has told me he doesn't want a relationship. I haven't come out and asked him because I don't know what I want from him, and I don't want him to think that I'M asking HIM for a relationship because I'm not even sure I want that from him. So, which is it? You aren't sure what you want with him, or you don't want to open up to someone who doesn't want a relationship? Would you be more sure that you want him if he told you that he does want a relationship? I think you two are playing games, because both of you are afraid of relationships. Games with each other, and games with yourselves. Neither of you is looking for a relationship, yet you're seeing each other regularly, making plans to see each other well in advance, meeting each other's friends. Hello! You're IN a relationship! I'd suggest you figure out how you feel about him without considering what he wants. Do you like him? Do you look forward to seeing him? Do you like talking with him and do you share your thoughts with him? Do you want to date other people? Do you want to be more affectionate with him, or do you like being cold to him? Is he the kind of man you can see yourself with long term? Or is he just fun-for-now? How would you feel if he broke up with you and you never saw him or heard from him again? How would you feel if you found out he was dating other people? Once you determine how you feel about him, then it should be pretty clear what you want: keep things as they are, break-up, or take things to the next level.
OpenBook Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Hi bigchickenpie, and welcome to LoveShack! My take on this -- he is trying to "feel you out" and maneuver you into a position where you're always available to him, while at the same time preserving his own freedom to go out and do whatever (and whomever) he wants. Many, many men do this with no qualms whatsoever about how hypocritical their behavior is. I cannot tell you why; it is a complete mystery to me. And they will KEEP ON doing it, as long as we let them get away with it! So don't let him get away with it. You don't have to say a word to him about it. Simply give him an ice-cold reaction to this behavior - don't pick up the phone when he calls. Or if you do answer it (or see him in person), be busy or in a hurry, with no time to chat. Don't give him any more of your precious time. Be simply UNAVAILABLE to him. He will get the message. And he will either straighten up and start behaving like a decent human being, or he will go away. Either way, you're better off. Good luck!
Geishawhelk Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 In my book, you have a very simple choice: The next time he says "of course, we're not in a Relationship!" (or words to that effect), you have one or two ways to answer: One: Hah!! Sez you! Well tough luck buddy, get over it, because you are soooooo in one!" Two: "Oh, yeh, I'm glad about that, because I have a date tomorrow night......" You really do have to stop this guy from yanking your chain. "Iz you iz or iz you ain't mah baby?" Simply put.
Author bigchickenpie Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 Hi, and thank you so much for the replies. This situation has been driving me completely crazy. And you're all right. I think this all comes down to what I want. I think that if he did in fact tell me he wanted a relationship, I wouldn't be closed off to the idea but I'm not necessarily sad that that's not going to happen. It just bothers me that he's sending such mixed messages. Some of the reason I'm going so crazy is because I don't really know what I want. Some of it is that I actually like him, but at the same time there's a little bit of me that thinks "Well, I don't exactly have guys asking me out on dates left, right and center, so this'll do for now." I kinda decided to give him until after Christmas to see what happens, but if nothing changes I'm gonna lay down some ground rules. I wanna say to him "Listen, we're either in a relationship or we're not. I don't need you to be calling me all the time and sending me all these mixed signals. If we ARE in a relationship you need to stop this other crap about not wanting anything serious." That, or I'm gonna stop seeing him all together. I can't help but feel HE doesn't know what he wants either. I'm gonna do what you say and make myself a little less available. The only problem is that he works out of town for great stretches at a time and makes plans with me well in advance. I will also mull the situation over a little more and figure out what I want, as suggested, and see what comes of that. This is just SO irritating and confusing. I wish he would stop with these stupid mixed signals. Thanks again for the replies. I'm not very experienced in this department, and was/am in dire need of advice. :)
OpenBook Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I'm gonna do what you say and make myself a little less available. The only problem is that he works out of town for great stretches at a time and makes plans with me well in advance. There's nothing anywhere that says you have to commit to those "well in advance" plans he's trying to make with you. Be vague!
Author bigchickenpie Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 Ugh! Dating is all about mind games! I'm really starting to hate it. I do wanna see him, lol. That's the problem. It takes a lot of will power. Man, this sucks. I'm gonna be the spinster of the family.
tidalwave Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 He tells me he doesn't want anything serious yet he texts/calls me nearly every day. Mostly just to say hi or to hear my voice or something lame like that. I NEVER text or call him. In fact, I'm probably a little cold with him because I've tried to avoid opening up to a guy that has told me he doesn't want a relationship. i do this. i only date, but i do call and text every day to several people. that doesn't mean that he wants a relationship. why cant you open up to him? so what if you aren't in a typical relationship? what do you think he is going to do? just because you arent in a committed relationship do you think he wont care about you or something? dont you open up to friends all the time? what is the difference? He says he doesn't want me to be attached to him yet he drives an hour from his town and back to visit me. SO WHAT?? maybe he just wants to spend time with you!! does he have to be committed to you to do that? just a question. He wants to make sure that I don't get the wrong idea and continually reminds me that he doesn't want a relationship yet he tells me how beautiful I am, always wants to know about the guys I may mention on my Facebook status updates (which he seems to check almost obsessively) and asks me if I ever found someone else if I would keep him around. (If I found someone else I wouldn't HAVE to keep you around, idiot!) He also told me recently that he doesn't know what he wants. He said that he doesn't want a relationship, but it sucks coming home to an empty house. i sometimes feel the same way as he does. i dont want to be in a relationship but i do hate being alone at times. its a catch 22. in my case i just fight the lonliness and keep my eyes on the prize which is just being happy. you dont have to be in a relationship to be happy. he sounds like he has been hurt before and doesnt want to be hurt again. its true that if u found someone else u probably wouldnt keep him around because you want more and if he likes you he probably wants to keep spending time with you - without having a verbal or written contract (i.e. committed relationship). He's also bought me presents out of the blue, cooked me dinner, I've met his best friend and he's also met my best friend, he's talked about me to his other friends, I've been to his place a couple of weekends and he makes plans well in advance with me. But on Thursday he called me, again, just to hear my voice but he finished the conversation with "I just wanted to call you and hear your voice but I don't want a relationship. I'll talk to you later, bye!" That sure irritated me. again, so what. i buy presents for my kids and friends and i dont want a relationship with them. i have people i date who i like a lot and who i talk about to others, that doesnt mean i want to committ to them. Anyway, any ideas as to what the hell this guy wants? I haven't come out and asked him because I don't know what I want from him, and I don't want him to think that I'M asking HIM for a relationship because I'm not even sure I want that from him. Plus, he seems to think that all girls go effin' crazy when you actually get into a relationship with them, and he probably thinks I'm gonna start naming our children if he expresses any further interest in me. But yeah, any advice? This guy has been driving me crazy because one moment I think I know what he wants the next, he has me completely baffled because he's acting like my boyfriend. Help please!!! he doenst want a relationship, but if u do then stop talking to him. thats the best advice anyone can give you.
Author bigchickenpie Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 i do this. i only date, but i do call and text every day to several people. that doesn't mean that he wants a relationship. why cant you open up to him? so what if you aren't in a typical relationship? what do you think he is going to do? just because you arent in a committed relationship do you think he wont care about you or something? dont you open up to friends all the time? what is the difference? SO WHAT?? maybe he just wants to spend time with you!! does he have to be committed to you to do that? just a question. i sometimes feel the same way as he does. i dont want to be in a relationship but i do hate being alone at times. its a catch 22. in my case i just fight the lonliness and keep my eyes on the prize which is just being happy. you dont have to be in a relationship to be happy. he sounds like he has been hurt before and doesnt want to be hurt again. its true that if u found someone else u probably wouldnt keep him around because you want more and if he likes you he probably wants to keep spending time with you - without having a verbal or written contract (i.e. committed relationship). again, so what. i buy presents for my kids and friends and i dont want a relationship with them. i have people i date who i like a lot and who i talk about to others, that doesnt mean i want to committ to them. he doenst want a relationship, but if u do then stop talking to him. thats the best advice anyone can give you. Well, you make a lot of sense. However, I guess my response to your "SO WHAT?!" questions is that he's enjoying the benefit of being in a relationship with me without any strings attached. It's like, well, I'm good enough to see all the time but I'm STILL not good enough to be in a relationship. (As you can tell, I flip flop back and forth as to what I want, and right now it bothers me that he doesn't want me, haha). But yeah, you make a lot of sense. I think he's just screwing me around and I'm gonna "break up" with him, probably after Christmas. Hel-lo spinsterhood!
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Plus, he seems to think that all girls go effin' crazy when you actually get into a relationship with them, It sounds like he drives them crazy! You've hooked yourself a little boy who's afraid of his own shadow. Time to pack his lunch and send him off to his own mamma. Relationships and dating are all about risk. If he's playing both ends, he needs to nut up and pick a side. As for you, time to find yourself a man!
tidalwave Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Well, you make a lot of sense. However, I guess my response to your "SO WHAT?!" questions is that he's enjoying the benefit of being in a relationship with me without any strings attached. It's like, well, I'm good enough to see all the time but I'm STILL not good enough to be in a relationship. (As you can tell, I flip flop back and forth as to what I want, and right now it bothers me that he doesn't want me, haha). But yeah, you make a lot of sense. I think he's just screwing me around and I'm gonna "break up" with him, probably after Christmas. Hel-lo spinsterhood! its not about being good enough. why do you have such a need to be in a relationship anyway? what cant you do with this guy unless you have a verbal contract of a relationship. we have been so conditioned by parents, television and movies to think we have to get in a relationship. just enjoy his company if you like him, if not move on. you can do anything with him that a committed couple can do, you dont always have to absolutely be in a relationship. that is terrible to wait until after X mas by the way. you arent the only person who does that though, even though its wrong.
Author bigchickenpie Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 I understand what you mean, but I have a problem with him possibly sleeping with other girls. It's a health risk that bothers me. Sorry. (Even though he has mentioned he has no intention of sleeping with anybody else, another thing that's confusing me). I don't necessarily feel the need to be in a relationship JUST to be in a relationship but I don't wanna be used either. Meaning, if I start to get used to his company and he finds a girl that he actually does want to be with, I don't him to suddenly disappear without any explanation because he's moved on to greener pastures. I really don't wanna come across as desperate and pathetic because I'm not. But I'm finding my mind going from one extreme to the other because he's not being straightforward. And I'm only waiting until after Christmas because I'm gonna lay down some ground rules in the meantime and see if that smartens him up.
Meet 4 Coffee Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 If a guy I was seeing kept saying to me "but I don't want a relationship" in phone messages and conversations, I would assume that he is not emotionally invested in me and stop communication with him. I don't think he is emotionally invested in you but is wanting the companionship and sex that a relationship brings. I think he is a loser, personally.
norajane Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Next time he tells you it's not a relationship, tell him, "you're right. buh-bye"
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Next time he tells you it's not a relationship, tell him, "you're right. buh-bye" Or, she could always tell him the China pattern she's picked out and the name of their firstborn.
tidalwave Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I understand what you mean, but I have a problem with him possibly sleeping with other girls. It's a health risk that bothers me. Sorry. (Even though he has mentioned he has no intention of sleeping with anybody else, another thing that's confusing me). I don't necessarily feel the need to be in a relationship JUST to be in a relationship but I don't wanna be used either. Meaning, if I start to get used to his company and he finds a girl that he actually does want to be with, I don't him to suddenly disappear without any explanation because he's moved on to greener pastures. I really don't wanna come across as desperate and pathetic because I'm not. But I'm finding my mind going from one extreme to the other because he's not being straightforward. And I'm only waiting until after Christmas because I'm gonna lay down some ground rules in the meantime and see if that smartens him up. most of that is just your own insecurities. be confident. i dont want any contracts but that doesnt mean that i dont enjoy a friends company and even want them to be around for a very very long time. you dont need to be in a traditional committed relationship to be happy. who knows, you 2 might do so well that you both want to be committed to each other, then again you might find someone else you want to be with or you might just like being single for a while or forever. just enjoy what you can enjoy.
Author bigchickenpie Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 most of that is just your own insecurities. be confident. i dont want any contracts but that doesnt mean that i dont enjoy a friends company and even want them to be around for a very very long time. you dont need to be in a traditional committed relationship to be happy. who knows, you 2 might do so well that you both want to be committed to each other, then again you might find someone else you want to be with or you might just like being single for a while or forever. just enjoy what you can enjoy. Firstly, you guys are awesome. I'm so glad my sister told me about this site. And to think I wasn't gonna get any decent advice. Thank you so much, everyone! tidalwave: I'm glad you said that because that's what I've been trying to do. But I guess there's a part of me, and other people around me, who think that I'm allowing myself to be used. What I'm trying to do is merely bridge the gap between finding someone else who actually wants a relationship, meanwhile enjoy the company and the ego boost I get from this guy. I know this guy likes me a lot, and I don't actually think his not wanting a relationship has that much to do with me personally, as he told me from the very beginning, before he even knew me, that he didn't want one and he works away one, sometimes two months at a time. But his mixed signals, together with what everyone/society tells me, makes me confused and think I should demand a relationship from him even though I don't know if I want one? Again. A little confused. Maybe I'll just see what happens.
tidalwave Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Firstly, you guys are awesome. I'm so glad my sister told me about this site. And to think I wasn't gonna get any decent advice. Thank you so much, everyone! tidalwave: I'm glad you said that because that's what I've been trying to do. But I guess there's a part of me, and other people around me, who think that I'm allowing myself to be used. What I'm trying to do is merely bridge the gap between finding someone else who actually wants a relationship, meanwhile enjoy the company and the ego boost I get from this guy. I know this guy likes me a lot, and I don't actually think his not wanting a relationship has that much to do with me personally, as he told me from the very beginning, before he even knew me, that he didn't want one and he works away one, sometimes two months at a time. But his mixed signals, together with what everyone/society tells me, makes me confused and think I should demand a relationship from him even though I don't know if I want one? Again. A little confused. Maybe I'll just see what happens. good luck, i hope everything works out 4 u
You'reasian Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 He also told me recently that he doesn't know what he wants. He said that he doesn't want a relationship, but it sucks coming home to an empty house. He's also bought me presents out of the blue, cooked me dinner, I've met his best friend and he's also met my best friend, he's talked about me to his other friends, I've been to his place a couple of weekends and he makes plans well in advance with me. But on Thursday he called me, again, just to hear my voice but he finished the conversation with "I just wanted to call you and hear your voice but I don't want a relationship. I'll talk to you later, bye!" That sure irritated me. Anyway, any ideas as to what the hell this guy wants? I haven't come out and asked him because I don't know what I want from him, and I don't want him to think that I'M asking HIM for a relationship because I'm not even sure I want that from him. Plus, he seems to think that all girls go effin' crazy when you actually get into a relationship with them, and he probably thinks I'm gonna start naming our children if he expresses any further interest in me. But yeah, any advice? This guy has been driving me crazy because one moment I think I know what he wants the next, he has me completely baffled because he's acting like my boyfriend. Help please!!! Sounds like a serious lack of communication on both of you. Considering his actions, he appreciates the feeling and connection of a relationship but isn't interested in sealing the deal. At the same time, you are not sure what you want in a relationship and you are not committing either. Looks like he's got the upperhand, I'm afraid considering your emotional response. Has he pegged you for someone who has trouble committing or knowing what you want? A smart guy who approaches a woman whom he thinks has trouble committing or wanting to define the relationship keeping this in mind, will keep one foot in the relationship and one foot out, try to reap the benefits of this relationship until it dies, improves or until he finds someone better. or it could simply be the case that he's been hurt in the past and is waiting to slowly let you in his life. or both. Confusing?
BlueEyedGirl Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I never date anyone who says that they don't want a relationship. As soon as a guy says that it's good bye for me. I'm also not sure that I actually want a relationship BUT I don't want to date, invest emotional energy and open myself up to someone that doesn't want to get serious eventually.
O'Malley Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 I don't think he is emotionally invested in you but is wanting the companionship and sex that a relationship brings. There are no real mixed messages here. Either you're ok with having fun with a guy who wants no commitment, which means you can both date/sleep with other people, or you're not. I'd be tired of his "no relationship" schtick by now.
pollywolly Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Sounds like what I have been thru. It's exhausting. It is a game, even if they don't realize it. I never pressured him for a "verbal contract" but I did tell him once we became intimate that I did not share. That's my biggest thing. I don't think he will find anyone that he "likes" better than me and the physical part was the best he's ever had but for some reason, I think he still wants to be free to pursue whatever the wind happens to blow by. And this is not some 20-ish guy...he's fast approaching 50! I guess they never get over that to a degree. Good luck to you, dear!
Jo78 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 This is not very confusing at all. He does NOT want to be in a committed relationship. Yet he wants you to want HIM, if for nothing less than his own ego. By playing it cool you challenged him. He doesn't want you, alright. But how in his world could it be possible that you so willingly agreed to that? He does 'not want to hurt you', so he told you right away. Still, wants to be Mr. Irresistible. I bet if you opened up emotionally, he'd get a kick out of it and then he'd be running for his life. Been there, done that.
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 The more I read, the more I shift my thoughts. He's telling you he doesn't want a relationship. Believe it.
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