What do you think I should do next?

[iwanttolive]

Well, my ex (or soon-to-be-ex) and I had a real great chemistry from the day we first met. He's 31 and he never had a gf before. Before he met me, he liked a gal for 2 years but she did not like him back. There were other gals who were attracted to him but he was only interested in her.

 

However, when we first met, we immediately hit it off. I made him laugh and we could talk all day long. One month later he confessed he had fallen for me. He said he had wanted to be friends with me for a longer time, but he just could not resist anymore. He kept thanking for loving him and he kept saying he loved me very much.

 

But 2 weeks ago, which was 2 months into the relationship, he asked me if we could be friends first. He said we got together too quickly and he's not sure if he could love me with all his heart. OUCH! And he said, he did not want to lie to me that sometimes he still thought of the gal whom he liked for 2 years.

 

He asked if we could start all over again as frens and take things slow. Well, that ripped my heart to pieces but I could kinda understand where he was coming from. I felt I gave him my heart too quickly and that was why he did not fully appreciate me.

 

I stopped contacting him. Two days later he texted me around mindnight "Are u asleep yet? What are you doing?" I said i'm at Bellini (a retro pub). One hour later he called me, but I missed his call. So he texted again "Take care, yeah? Call u tomorrow *smily face icon*"

 

I did not reply him. He called again at 2 am. I've reached home by then. We talked for a while. Then I ended the conversation, saying i'm tired and had to go to bed. He did not call again the next day and I felt a tad disappointed. But again I did not contact him.

 

Then he said hi to me on msn the next day. I just kept the conversation light and casual. He asked me out to hangout with his frens twice, but I said I had to work overtime in the office, which was true. One night he texted me "Good nite, J. Sweet dreams, yeah".

 

Yesterday, he asked me out for dinner with his frens and I obliged. But that kinda screwed up my mind. Because the whole time I was so self-conscious thinking how to make him interested in me. YEAH, I KNOW *LAME, LAME, LAME!!! LOSER LOSER LOSER!!!*

 

All my frens told me not to give up too fast or he might turn up to be a real great guy, though he's confused now. They do not want me to regret.

 

His friends are a little cliquish *how do i spell it?* and I felt left out and bored hanging out with them. I feel like telling him "I feel out of place hanging out with your frens, I don't feel like doing that anymore". Will I ruin everything??

 

I feel like just doing my own things, have my own fun and life. But won't we drift apart even more? I know it's not healthy to hope that we'll get back together. But shouldn't I make some effort rather than completely giving up??? I still do love him and I miss the fun we had together. GEEEEEZZZZ, THIS IS FRUSTRATING. What do I do??? I know it's long, guys, but I really need your perspective. Please share with me......

[Angel1111]

I think this guy is actually very mature and knows exactly what he wants from a relationship. I understand exactly what he's talking about because I've been in relationships, too, where I felt like they moved too fast. And that does ruin things, I've discovered. But whenever I suggested backing up and slowing things down, they always saw it as an insult, so I didn't make an issue of it.

 

If you can see this for what it is - a sincere desire on his part to connect with you on a deeper level, then it could turn out to be an incredible love story. You seem to actually see it the same way he does but you're resisting because you don't really know how to take it. I think it's actually a compliment and you should see it that way. Hey, he didn't have a relationship with the other girl and that didn't do anything to stop him from caring deeply about her, did it? Then why wouldn't the same be true of you? He's obviously a guy with depth and isn't someone who gives his heart away easily, and he obviously isn't into sleeping with just anyone. I think he has paid you a real compliment by being completely honest and by letting you know exactly how to win his heart.

 

So, I think it depends on how you want to look at this. It can be a gift or a curse. Because he still wants to see you, he wants to be your friend first, then I don't see where you've really lost anything. In a way, you gain in a big way because he wants it to move slow and you can be your usual cute and funny self, tantalize him, and let the seduction move slowly. I would personally make it fun and look at it as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level and maybe even tantalize the hell out of one another. Just because people are attracted to each other doesn't mean they need to fall in the sack right away. There's something very sexy about anticipation and prolonging pleasure.

 

I think you've done everything right so far. Just be his friend and don't let him get physically close to you until you feel the time is right. Which may be months away. He wants to respect you and he needs for you to command that respect. Hope all that makes sense.

[alone_confused]

Hmm that is a very weird one, he liked a girl for 2years who didn't like him back, he is obviously a pretty good looking guy as a lot of other girls like him, he seems like he is a sweet guy too,

 

He is 31, which is old enough to know what he wants, and old enough to know that wanting someone you can't have is a waste of time and effort, holding a flame for someone over 2 years and still using that as an excuse not to move on sounds a bit silly, its not like he had a relationship with the girl is finding it difficult to move on, I'm sorry to say this but in my opinion he sounds gay, the reason i say that is i have a gay friend, I'm his gal lol, so we have talked at lenght, and he went through the same kind of thing.

 

Now I'm not saying its a fact, its just a feeling i get from your story, i wouldn't wait around for him in hope that he might love you one day, but if you are truly willing to be friends with him, it could be a great friendship, again this is just my opinion.

[iwanttolive]

Angel, that's an intriguing perspective. I was expecting something like "if he's unsure of his feeling, forget him and get a life!" I do not know whether i'm up to it though. I may just ruin everything acting out of my emotion. Precisely because he's a great guy, the more I want him, the more desperate I become and one day I may lose control of myself and ruin things. Paradox, paradox

[Angel1111]

There's some hokey stuff in the 'Love Tactics' concepts, but a lot of truth, too. This is taken directly from their website and I thought you might get something out of it. I'm going to post another article in a different post, also. Hope they help.

 

Why It Pays To Play Hard to Get

by Tom McKnight

 

According to Bertrand Russell, "Human nature is constructed so that it gives affection most readily to those who seem to demand it the least."

 

This being the case "and I assure you it is" then what hope can any normal human being who intensely craves love and affection have of winning the one they want?

 

Won't their very need for the other person be the thing that turns the one they want away from them?

 

The answer is "NO!" It is not the need for love, which all people inherently feel which drives others away from them, but it is their indiscretion about exhibiting that need. What we need to learn is to make a distinction in our lives between the way we feel and the way we act! Or, in other words, we must learn self-control. Not that we should suppress our emotions to the degree that we deny to ourselves what we are feeling. No, no indeed.

 

We should always realize and be honest with ourselves what we are feeling inside. But we must be discerning, discreet and wise about the things we know about ourselves, which we share with others. Just because you find yourself desperately wanting someone, for example, doesn't mean you should act desperate. But neither does it mean you should try to deny the feeling in yourself.

 

So you feel desperate! So what?! There's no shame in that. Join the club. Millions of wonderful, great, fantastic people who have lived long before you have felt this way. There's nothing wrong with wanting.

 

But what I warn you against is not trying to control the way you talk about it to others. You see, a dog should wag his tail, not have the tail wag the dog. And YOU are the one who ultimately controls your behavior, your emotions should not be doing that.

 

Remember when you were small and felt unhappy and upset about not getting your way? What did most of us do? We would lie down on the floor and act out our emotions by beating our fists on the floor and kicking wildly. But when we got older we learned to put away childish behaviors and hold back, except in the area of romance.

 

What I'm saying is that we need to be mature in this area as well. "But," someone cries out, "isn't it dishonest to not express what you feel?" "No," I answer. "It's a simple matter of growing up." The mature thing to do is to learn to distinguish between feelings and actions. Feel intently, deeply and honestly. But keep your behavior in check.

 

That person who keeps his behavior separate from his feeling ultimately commands the most respect, and love from others.

 

Remember how, as a child, you were instructed that if a big dog came rushing up to you, you must do your best not to show any fear? The reason was that, if you show fear, it encourages the dog to bite you. Well, sadly, the same thing applies in human relationships. If you tip your hand too soon that you're feeling vulnerable to the other person, then it actually invites them to emotionally burn you in some way. So act as brave as you can and keep your feelings to yourself.

 

The key thing to learn from Bertrand Russell's statement is that love is given to those who seem to least demand it. Because the truth is we all need love "desperately" but we can overcome the built-in disadvantage by learning how to act.

[Angel1111]

7 Secrets to Winning the One You Want!

by Tom McKnight

 

Have you ever felt frustrated trying to get the one you want to want you back? Have you ever felt like the cause was hopeless and there's just nothing you can do to win their heart?

 

Such frustrations are common. All human beings are subject to them. While there is no way to completely avoid them, there is a way to overcome them and find success. The way requires a basic understanding of those principles that motivate the human heart, followed by a patient application of those principles.

 

If you will systematically apply those principles in a well thought out strategy, you will ultimately reap the rewards of your efforts.

 

 

Applying the principles is up to you, but today I wanted to share with you a few truths relating to love and romance:

• "In Love" is a form of dependency. Therefore, if you want someone to be in love with you, you will have to make up your mind to meet their emotional needs so that they can grow dependent upon you. This includes hundreds of hours of listening to them while they talk while you, for the most part, are just attentively silent.
  
• People are attracted to independence and repulsed by those who seem to cling. Therefore, to avoid scaring off a potential love you must throw in a lot of apparent aloofness while trying to win them. If you think this may confuse the one you want about your real intentions, you're right. Sorry, but that's just the way it needs to be in the early stages of romance.
  
• People want what they can't have. Therefore, you have to hold back form giving yourself completely to the one you want at the first indications they're starting to become attracted to you. Instead of giving the dog the whole steak at once, feed it to him/her one bite at a time, over an extended period of time.
   
  I'm speaking here of deeply shared feelings and your valuable time. Be careful with how much time and feeling you give to the one you want. As to sexual involvement, that should be withheld until after the marriage vows, or you'll reduce their incentive to get there. Why buy the cow when the milk is free?
  
• People's conscious decisions are subconsciously motivated. Therefore, don't be too concerned by what the one you want says they think they want, or acts like they think they want. You should act on principle and eventually they'll realize that what they really want is you.
  
• People are most drawn to a person with a positive and confident self-image. Therefore, resist the temptation to spill your feelings of self-doubt. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than somebody who insists on bursting your bubble and destroying the image they want to have of you.
  
• People's attitudes are really a reflection of what you think of them. Therefore, while not wearing your heart on your sleeve, you must still prove though your actions that your friendship to them is a committed one. This takes time.
  
• The longer a relationship grows, the stronger it becomes. Therefore, if you mess up along the way, take comfort in the fact that tomorrow is another day, and the fact that you prove you have lasted and learned from yesterday's hardships, will in itself increase their feelings of commitment to you in the long run.
  

[iwanttolive]

Angel, I understand and agree with ur post. But I have a few concerns. Something is bothering me and I'm not sure what I should do.

 

Now most of the time, he has been the one contacting me. But there's still a wall between us. I guess because he wants to take things slow. That's y the conversation has become rather mundane. What if he feels i'm not interesting enough? But there's no way I can be interesting with the wall he places between us.

 

How do I break from this Catch 22 situation? Any guys can give me your perspective n wise words?

 

I've been playing it cool, but those were my concerns

[BikerBeagle]

How do I break from this Catch 22 situation? Any guys can give me your perspective n wise words?

I'm not going to comment on any of the other advice you've been given ...only state mine as objectively as possible.

 

Here's how I see it ...sorry, but the guy just isn't into you. He might think he could be into you over time, but right now, the 'chemisty/spark' isn't there. (...and it's arguable whether that would/could ever happen if it's not there at the beginning.)

 

The bottom line is, you want a romantic relationship and he doesn't. That's not a catch-22 situation, it's an unrequited love situation. At this point, it is up to you to decide if being 'friends' with him will work for you until he decides your fate. I think your gut is already telling you the answer ...

[EnigmaXOXO]

I feel like just doing my own things, have my own fun and life. But won't we drift apart even more? I know it's not healthy to hope that we'll get back together. But shouldn't I make some effort rather than completely giving up??? I still do love him and I miss the fun we had together. GEEEEEZZZZ, THIS IS FRUSTRATING. What do I do??? I know it's long, guys, but I really need your perspective. Please share with me.....

 

You’re doing things exactly as you should without even realizing it. Never submit to waiting on the backburner and putting your life on hold while someone tries to figure out just where you fit into theirs. The fact that you remain positive and friendly, yet your universe doesn’t revolve around his every whim, makes you all that more desirable. For whatever reason, people seem to take for granted those things that come too easily and only appreciate what eludes them.

 

As far as drifting apart? ... You might. Particularly if some other guy happens along and steals away his thunder. But that would be his missed opportunity, not yours.

 

There have been a lot of folks who have been downgraded to the friendzone as soon as someone got cold feet. And inevitably, in every single situation, the “buddy” suddenly decides they want more again just as soon as their ex-turned-platonic-friend moves on and finds something or someone else worth investing their time and attention on.

 

Go figure.