Konfuzion Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Well anyone that sees the last thread I started will probably want to hit me but I am so at a loss here. I will say this would be a fairly easy decision for me if I didn't have children but I do. I am a single custodial father and my children do no have any contact with their mother, so my ex has taken them on like they were her children. The reason this decision would be easy for me without them is because I know my ex is unhappy and the best thing I could do as a man to make her life easy is to walk away and let her get out and live. But there is a small part of her that wants to try to make things work and a small part of her that wants to get out there and see what else there is. We were together for 4 years and she has been unhappy in the relationship for the last two years but she stuck by me hoping things would get better and I think also because she didn't want to leave the kids. Basically at this point she doesn't trust me and does not have feelings for me, for two months we were seeing if we could work things out and we were basically "dating" but with no physical intimacy and she was seeing if her feelings for me would come back but they did not, basically she is asking herself how long do I give this to see if my feelings come back. She did tell me that she knows the two of us would be very happy if we did get back together based on the changes I made to myself after we broke up, but that without feelings for me that is not possible. I am gonna make this part short but I screwed up big time in our relationship and did a lot of selfish things and I totally understand why she doesn't trust me anymore. After she left me it opened my eyes to the @$$ that I had been and I made a lot of changes to myself for me and my kids, and she really likes the new me. Anyway what we have on the table right now is we might try one last time to see if we can work things out and she has agreed to go to counseling by herself to see if she can have feelings for me again, and she is considering doing joint counseling but for some reason she is quite against the idea. Anyway my main question is, is there anything I can do to try to get her feelings back? Or am I just screwed? I love this girl more than I have ever loved a woman before and I really do not want to go on in life without her by my side. Thanks for the long read.
BikerBeagle Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 It doesn't really matter what you "want" anymore. Will her feelings ever come back? Hard to know, hard to tell ...but I'm guessing, probably not. She's had 2 years to realize that she shouldn't have to 'settle' for someone she doesn't have any feelings for anymore. Sorry to say, the future looks bleek for you ...this might be one of those times where you simply have to let her go if you truly want her to be happy.
madgun68 Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I agree with Biker but I want to add a little on to that. She's probably willing to try things such as IC because of guilt. She feels guilty for the hurt that she's causing both you and your children. She doesn't want to be the bad guy (and I don't think anyone can blame her for that, really.) (Not to mention the guy she reconnected with, which is a can of worms in itself.) In my opinion, you should set her free rather than prolonging this. I know that you're hurting because of this, but she is too. If she didn't care about you and the kids, she would have left much sooner than this. Being this close to Christmas, have a sit down and talk about it. Maybe both of you can come to some understanding to wait until after the holidays before making it official, but don't drag this out longer than necessary. The sooner it happens the sooner both of you can begin to heal from the hurt.
Eli_Peterson Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Sorry guys but this is an easy one....if she loved you once she will love you again. Plain and simple. Don't try to put too much emphasis on or stress yourself out over building trust and building love etc....I would suggest that NEITHER of you put that kind of pressure on yourselves! That's right....neither one of you! It is my guess that she must have found SOME redeeming value in you as a man...whether that be that you were an awesome kisser or a wonderful father....show her that side of you again....whatever it was and is that has kept her hanging around or in touch with you....that is, if she really is the woman that you want as your wife and as a mother to your children. If not, cut her loose...but if she is, yeah, counceling is ok BUT I would suggest that you all spend some time together doing something FUN....something other than the inside of a therapist's office focusing on the problems...focus on the solution or the fun things that you all might have to look forward to. Life is more than hashing over history...it should be fun and worth living. Go to Chuckie Cheese or Christmas shopping...something (dare I say it again?) freakin fun!
Author Konfuzion Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Thank you all for the replies, walking away and not draging things out is probably the best thing I could do but like I said with the children I cant do that. Eli I will focus more on doing fun things, we do do a lot of fun things together but thats not really something you can have too much of.
Author Konfuzion Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Well I just had about a 1/2 an hour long conversation with the ex and she is seriously going to consider counseling, I guess she said what is coming up for her is that she has a bad taste in her mouth from our relationship but that their is a part of her that would like to see it work. She knows I take really good care of her, and she knows we would be really happy together if she could develop feelings for me again. I should add she also said she has really enjoyed our time together the last six weeks while we have been seeing if things would work and we have basically been "dating".
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