what is your thoughts! love but not in love

[alone_confused]

Do you think it is possible when someone leaves a 3 and half year relationship with the reason, i love you very much but i don't think I'm in love with you anymore, that maybe time apart will make the heart grow fonder, and sometimes people do realise that they really were in love after all?

 

 

He wanted to remain friends and we did LC for 3days then i told him i want NC and its coming up to 2.5weeks NC and about 3 weeks in total since the spilt.

 

I know I am most likely deluding myself, but i guess it crosses my mind sometimes, wondering if he even misses me , or is out there partying and having sex with everyone.

 

 

OK, basically just asking for people views and possibly their own experiences.

 

Ty

[justletgo07]

I'm currently hoping for the same thing you are...and I haven't really found an answer yet.

 

My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago, although she sort of relapsed on me for another 2 weeks before giving me the famous "love but not in love" line. Tried LC for 3 weeks, couldn't handle it, went NC. Was NC for almost a month, but broke it today to wish her good luck on her finals. I really wish I hadn't. You're doing good with NC so far, so don't break it! I promise you you'll feel worse!

[justletgo07]

Just read your orginal post...your story sounds familiar.

[alone_confused]

Just read your orginal post...your story sounds familiar.

 

 

yes i read your story too, sorry to hear you are gong thru the same pain:(

[nittanylion]

It is not possible to have long lasting relationship if two people just love each others. Both have to be in-love and love each other unconditionally. I stay with my ex for 6 years. I love her but not in love with her. That is why I am not with her. Sometimes love just aint enough!

 

Its better to find someone you have "in-love & love". Both combination must exist to have a successful long healthy relationships.

 

Time apart wouldnt change a thing from his feelings for you. He either in love with you or not in love with you. There is no in between. In between will never works out in the long haul. Imo, your situation, its better not be this relationship cause his heart is not there for you. He is just not in love with you. Save yourself some head ache and find someone who is in love with you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

i love you very much but i don't think I'm in love with you anymore

 

This translates to:

 

I care for you, and am saying that I love you to spare you the pain of having to hear that I'm not IN love with you. I hope that you pay closer attention to the 'love' part so that that the 'not in love' part won't make me look like a bastard for wanting out. There really is no hope of reconciliation, but I don't want you to think poorly of me so I'm offering friendship so that I can keep tabs on you and try to throw you a bone every so often so that you won't be despondent, and so that I won't feel so guilty for breaking up with you.

 

Unfortunately, that ILYBINILWY line is misinterpreted often, giving people false hope and wishful thinking for a situation that would have been better handled with:

 

I don't want to be in a relationship anymore, and I'm sorry but we really should end it and go our separate ways.

 

Unfortunately, few people have the balls to be that truthful like that. They just can't handle the guilt, even when it is the most humane thing to do in the long run.

 

Keep up the NC, and try not to look back.

[tommiw]

I know I am most likely deluding myself, but i guess it crosses my mind sometimes, wondering if he even misses me , or is out there partying and having sex with everyone.

 

 

Ty

 

Well depending on your age, the latter is still usually the case with these kind of break ups. They are bored with the same old life with you and want to experience, live life to its fullest. Even if your ex was the most kindest girl ever, they can still change really quickly to something you hate. Like in my case: a sweet and quiet girl became basically the town's most used whore.

 

 

Like everyone has said, stick with the NC and try to do what your ex does: live your life to its fullest

[Eyeofthoth]

Okay I am older so I have had lots of time and different experiences to apply this to:

 

Being "in love" is never a condition that lasts. There have actually been studies that show that this state will last maybe 1 1/2 years under optimal circumstances. After that it is LOVE and COMMITMENT that keep people together. The feelings of being "in love" can be periodically rekindled by the commitment and the fact that both people want the relationship to work.

 

One thing that will extend the feelings of being "in love" is adversity. This is why people in relationships that have something to conquer, such as distance, will sometimes keep that "in love" feeling longer. The feeling is usually actually something more like love plus fear, or love plus unfulfilled longing. This is why the person who wants/needs the relationship to work is always feeling more "in love" than the person who does not need it and can walk away whole without it, regardless of the fact that he does still "love," i.e. care for, the other person.

 

This is also why when someone is dumped, the person feels MORE "in love" at least for awhile. Now there is serious adversity and loss here. The feelings of love plus fear and unfulfilled longing have taken over.

 

When someone walks away after the initial feelings of being "in love" have faded, which will ALWAYS happen, it is because there is something about the relationship that was not working for that person. The situation was wrong somehow. It could be something unchangeable about the person being left, or it could be something about the situation the people were in the the dumper felt was not going to change enough or soon enough to merit sticking it out.

 

Figure out which applied in your case and whether or not it is something that is in your power to change. And while you are doing that, stick to strict NC.

 

If there is something that you can change, and you want to change it anyway (not just for the person who left) then work on changing it. That is the only thing in your power.

 

There is always a good chance the leaver will miss you and contact you. But if that doesn't happen, then at least you have improved yourself and your circumstances -- for yourself.

 

LOVE STINKS

[nittanylion]

This is the most stupid advice I have ever heard. If you scare to be in love than be single. Your post makes no sense at all. You sound very bitter.

 

 

Okay I am older so I have had lots of time and different experiences to apply this to:

 

Being "in love" is never a condition that lasts. There have actually been studies that show that this state will last maybe 1 1/2 years under optimal circumstances. After that it is LOVE and COMMITMENT that keep people together. The feelings of being "in love" can be periodically rekindled by the commitment and the fact that both people want the relationship to work.

 

One thing that will extend the feelings of being "in love" is adversity. This is why people in relationships that have something to conquer, such as distance, will sometimes keep that "in love" feeling longer. The feeling is usually actually something more like love plus fear, or love plus unfulfilled longing. This is why the person who wants/needs the relationship to work is always feeling more "in love" than the person who does not need it and can walk away whole without it, regardless of the fact that he does still "love," i.e. care for, the other person.

 

This is also why when someone is dumped, the person feels MORE "in love" at least for awhile. Now there is serious adversity and loss here. The feelings of love plus fear and unfulfilled longing have taken over.

 

When someone walks away after the initial feelings of being "in love" have faded, which will ALWAYS happen, it is because there is something about the relationship that was not working for that person. The situation was wrong somehow. It could be something unchangeable about the person being left, or it could be something about the situation the people were in the the dumper felt was not going to change enough or soon enough to merit sticking it out.

 

Figure out which applied in your case and whether or not it is something that is in your power to change. And while you are doing that, stick to strict NC.

 

If there is something that you can change, and you want to change it anyway (not just for the person who left) then work on changing it. That is the only thing in your power.

 

There is always a good chance the leaver will miss you and contact you. But if that doesn't happen, then at least you have improved yourself and your circumstances -- for yourself.

 

LOVE STINKS

[Eli_Peterson]

I definately DO think that you can "love" someone....care about them...not want them to drop off the face of the planet...care what happens to them etc...but not be "IN love" with them....not that kind of romantic connection that defies all reason. The kind of love that makes you drive home at MACH1 just so you can see them and be close to them...that kind of love that, when they leave you and say they don't love you, it feels as if you have lost a limb and would RATHER lose a limb than have to go through the pain...yes, the kind of love that drives you crazy and makes you think that they're out there partying and sleeping with other people....BUT that could also just be jealousy and the result of wanting something that you just can't have. that is what I worry about with you, my friend....but to tell you the truth, chances are he is thinking about you and misses you about the same as you miss him. That is usually the norm and guys cry their guts out probably more than women do over breakups....yes, they sleep on the couch, eat cereal for dinner, write sappy love poems and for the most part go stark raving mad with grief. For a man, it is a huge blow to our ego to be dumped...so yes, he is probably thinking about you and missing you....

[Eyeofthoth]

Nittanylion --

 

I am speaking from science, which romantics hate to hear about. But I am a romantic as well as a scientist. I am also not scared to be in love. I am in fact still very much "in love" with my ex, who ripped my heart out.

 

And I am quite willing to risk loving again, either with him or with someone else.

 

I would like to hear your perspective:

 

I am not, and I don't believe the OP is either, talking about cases where one person was head over heels and the other was less so, or not at all, but rather where both people were head over heels. Then one of those people, who was once, for months or years, absolutely in love in the "drive all night" way just described by the poster above, suddenly says, well, I still love you but I am no longer in love with you . . . what do you think has happened?

[nittanylion]

Nittanylion --

 

I am speaking from science, which romantics hate to hear about. But I am a romantic as well as a scientist. I am also not scared to be in love. I am in fact still very much "in love" with my ex, who ripped my heart out.

 

And I am quite willing to risk loving again, either with him or with someone else.

 

I would like to hear your perspective:

 

I am not, and I don't believe the OP is either, talking about cases where one person was head over heels and the other was less so, or not at all, but rather where both people were head over heels. Then one of those people, who was once, for months or years, absolutely in love in the "drive all night" way just described by the poster above, suddenly says, well, I still love you but I am no longer in love with you . . . what do you think has happened?

 

He takes her for granted it. Maybe he is all talk, and no action. Anyone can said " I love you". Its too easy. Love takes times, patience, understanding, trust, and hard works. It takes two to tango. One person can not do it alone. It will never work. To sustain the feeling of "in love or love", both parties must put effort in the relationship. Who says love is easy?

[alone_confused]

Thank you all for your replies,

 

I guess i agree with what most of you had to say, I will clear up a few points first though, someone asked about our ages, we are both mid 30s, so this wasn't some teen romance.

 

Also, who knows, maybe he never loved me at all, its entirely possible, I always worked harder at this relationship than he did, I always did the compromising, in his favour of course, i changed , he might have made some slight changes but nothing compared to what i did to keep this relationship going.

 

There were two favourite lines he used when there was an issue, actually i should clarify, when i had an issue,

it was either

 

"Love shouldn't be so much work"

or

"if you don't like it, find someone else, cause i ain't changing sh*t"

 

These little sayings of his started happening probably the last 6 months of the relationship, I know he was trying to push me away, hoping i would leave and make it easier on him, well thats how it felt to me anyways, i guess I'm stupid, i guess i believe to strongly in commitment, and believe anything can be worked out within reason...

 

Lastly, his reasons for ending it, was basically I don't think I'm in love with you anymore, as well as a million other reasons he felt he needed to share, such as, I'm going to be 40 in 4 years, i don't want to look back and regret anything, i feel suffocated, i need freedom, i want to be alone, i don't want to have to answer to anybody and my favourite one, I don't want to have to think of anyone Else's feelings but my own!!. like he did anyway.

 

Then of course he went onto to say, I'm doing this for you, you deserve better, I've hurt you so many times and i keep hurting you, you deserve better then being stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn't know what they want, he then said i don't know, i guess I'm just f*cked up, i will probably regret this one day, but it will be my fault so I'll live with it, I replied, yes yes, you are doing this all for me, you never do anything for anyone but yourself, so don't use me as a cop out.

 

when i look at this relationship, i don't even know why I'm missing him, or still love him, he doesn't deserve my love let alone my tears GRRRRR

[smiiiley]

woah...u stole my thoughts...i wonder the same thing and wish it would be true this sucks

[Sands_of_time]

hey...just came across your thread. Hang in there...I'm with you.

 

That is exactly what my STBXW said to me when she left in early November: "I'm doing this for you, you deserve better, I've hurt you so many times and i keep hurting you, you deserve better then being stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn't know what they want, she then said i don't know, i guess I'm just f*cked up, i will probably regret this one day, but it will be my fault so I'll live with it."

 

I still haven't figured this out. Maybe it is a way to make themselves feel better? They ARE speaking the truth when they say this (i.e. I keep hurting you and you deserve better) and can admit it, but they believe that it's the right move to leave. It must be harder to work on their shortcomings than to just leave. That's about all I can gather from it.

 

I've seen lots of threads from the perspective of the person who was left holding the bag. Does anyone know of a thread out there from the perspective of the person who did the leaving?

[justletgo07]

This forum actually has a thread from the perspective of the dumper. It probably won't make you feel better, but it does put things into perspective, and show how difficult of a position the dumper is placed in as they realize their feelings for their bf/gf are quickly fading. Came across this yesterday:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t55268/

 

My ex probably misses me, but I'd be a fool to ever think this meant she wanted to give our relationship another chance. Besides the fact that she is likely still processing the anger, resentment, and guilt from the initial break up, she is more than likely feeling relief right now. Her life is finally less stressful. The fact remains that her feelings for me have changed, and irreversibly so. I've recently given up on us, and have cut her from my life completely so that I can finally begin to heal. Personally, I just don't want to hurt like this anymore. I hate feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and stomped on over and over and over again, day after day. I've finally let go of hope and am no longer interested in focusing on her or getting her back. She didn't appreciate me when we were together, so there's no reason to think she'd appreciate me now that we're apart.

[alone_confused]

here here, i agree with you 100% justletgo07

[CaliGuy]

Do you think it is possible when someone leaves a 3 and half year relationship with the reason, i love you very much but i don't think I'm in love with you anymore, that maybe time apart will make the heart grow fonder, and sometimes people do realise that they really were in love after all?

 

 

He wanted to remain friends and we did LC for 3days then i told him i want NC and its coming up to 2.5weeks NC and about 3 weeks in total since the spilt.

 

I know I am most likely deluding myself, but i guess it crosses my mind sometimes, wondering if he even misses me , or is out there partying and having sex with everyone.

 

 

OK, basically just asking for people views and possibly their own experiences.

 

Ty

 

 

No I don't think so. It could happen but not very often. When someone says "I love you, but I am not IN love with you" that simply means "I love you like a brother…" and they have no deep feelings of initimacy for you anymore.

 

It's best, if you are seeking a long term signifiant other, to move on and find someone new than sit around waiting for something to happen that, odds are, never will.

 

Cheers.

[Sands_of_time]

Justletgo... good post and thanks for sharing the link showing it from the dumpers perspective. Very helpful.

 

Each one of us is different and has our own healing timeline. Me: LC for the first 2 weeks after she moved out then I went NC for 49 days except to talk about bills, getting things from our home..etc. How long has it been for you since you spoke to your ex? Married? How long? Kids involved?

[BackonTrack2]

In LIFE, people come and go, that just the way it works. Its sad but true and life is cruel so learn to cope and deal with the losses. The only thing you can really do is make sure you take care of yourself and not love another person more than you love yourself, in addition, you never know whats going on in someone's head, their actions speak louder than words.

 

And when someone says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" thats horse ****, either you are, are you aren't. There is no in between and for some people, they just fear commitment or maybe they are "loving" someone else.

 

Relationships are new to me, I just came out of bad one, it wasn't bad until the end, until she started acting weird and strange and distant and confused, I never could figure it out, come to find out she was having sex with someone else for months, lied to everyone, friends, family, me, new guy, until it all came to light and then I went on auto-pilot.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say, is the things your EX was telling you, is sort of the things my EX was telling me, I never understood her though, like "I LOVED you" or "Why are you so nice to me" or "I wanted to pick a fight with you so I could break up with you but you won't argue with me"

 

You can never understand people and only they know what they are feeling but my favorite line of all time from my ex is "I know I did nothing wrong but deep down inside I feel guilty" or this one "baby, your going to make me cheat on my boyfriend" I love that one.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is, you'll never know the reason(s) your ex is not with you, doesn't want to be with you, for whatever reason he feels/felt commited to you didn't want to be in a relationship with you so he started being a jerk hoping you would leave him but you never did so he had to be a man and leave you, I guess in a sad way he was trying to spear your feelings hoping you would get up the courage to end things with him but you never did and he couldn't take it anymore so he ended it.

 

That guy is a loser, forget about him, he'll come around, he's a man, they all come back to the person who loved them when they are down and out and then it will be your choice if you want him back or not.

 

Best thing you can do with yourself is never call him again, I won't use the words MOVE on because thats childish, just embrace the future and remind yourself its over.

 

In hindsight though, now that I think about it, my ex was trying to redefine the relationship, but she didn't have the power, or I was to blind to realize it at the time, but in the end, her true colors came out. It wasn't WE, it was Me and Her, it wasn't US, it was You and I. She never loved me and if she did, she had a weird way of showing it.

[amerikajin]

When someone says "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you" it usually means that they care for you like a good friend and that they appreciate the moments they have had with you, but that they don't see a future together in the long-term. The "in love" part usually has to do with the dumper's expectations versus their realities of what the relationship is, or more accurately, what they perceive it to be. The dumper somehow feels unfulfilled -- maybe sexually or perhaps maybe on a deeper level. People can look at dumpers, as I can look at myself, and ask legitimate questions about the dumper's reasons for getting into a relationship in the first place, in addition to the questions about the reasons for breaking up. Even so, I think it's better to realize how you feel and be upfront about it, rather than walking into a long-term commitment that you can't so easily back out of just because you feel like you have to commit. People can get bitter all they want to, but the fact that a slight majority of marriages end up in divorce tells me that people need to be absolutely sure about this kind of life-long commitment. Once you get married, fight like hell to keep it going even if you're not in love. That's my approach anyway.

 

I definitely believe that the love that a dumper feels can be genuine. I have dumped several women and each time, I felt horrible. I knew I was hurting someone and I felt horrible that I was hurting someone that I had grown to care for deeply. As time goes on, I look back and I can honestly say that there's not a single break-up that I have regretted. This is not to suggest that the break-up was the other person's fault. In my first major relationship, I look back and find a lot of fault with how I handled myself during some of the more challenging times. But I also believe to this day that there were deeper problems between us, and that it's doubtful things would have changed.

 

I think the key is to get a good sense early on for who is likely to be commitment-oriented and who isn't. Try to get a sense for where someone is going with their lives. Relationships are a lot more complicated these days due to major social changes. We've become a far more individualized society, which is good in some ways but lamentable in others. I think while our individual opportunities for things like careers and lifestyle choices have increased, our sense of commitment has gradually waned. Frankly, I have to admit to being part of the problem in this regard.