amymarieca Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice on the situation I am in. Please do not pass harsh judgment on me. I already feel bad enough as it is. Basically it started off with me meeting this guy who asked for my phone number. We hit it off right away. From the get go he told me he was single with no kids. I won't go into details why and how, but our encounters ended up consisting of us having sex in his office early in the morning. I was okay with this situation because I wasn't really looking for anything serious with someone. It was fun and exciting. Friday morning was a total disaster! I went there to see him. We slept together and had a good time. As I was "gathering" myself again, I happened to look down at his left hand and noticed a wedding ring! I had to look about 5 times at it to realize what I was really seeing. I was enraged at the fact that this guy is married and sleeping with me behind his wife's back! I didn't really say much until just before I walked out the door and made a comment "By the way, you forgot to take your wedding ring off!" Then I stormed out. He didn't call or come after me. I feel terrible because I am not this kind of person. I never intended to be the woman who is a homewrecker and doesn't care if she sleeps with a married guy. I am better than that. I talked to my best friend about it and she thinks that I should make every effort to try and tell his wife. I don't know where this guy lives, but I know a lot of his other information so I am sure I could figure it out. Part of me thinks I should, but part of me thinks I shouldn't meddle in other peoples' business. What do you think I should do?
Star Gazer Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I feel terrible because I am not this kind of person. The kind of person who meets a virtual stranger for trysts at his office in the early morning hours? I'm sorry, but you HAD to know something was off here. Willful blindness... Your failure to figure out who this guy was before having sex with him isn't his wife's responsibility. Keep your mouth shut.
Geishawhelk Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Part of me thinks I should, but part of me thinks I shouldn't meddle in other peoples' business. What do you think I should do? How is this not your business? Unwittingly, he made you his business. Or he made it his business to use you to cheat on his wife. He had absolutely no intention of ever coming clean, admitting his marriage, or making you a permanent alternative. he was out to trick and cheat. He's betrayed his wife, and he betrayed you too. By lying to youm, leading you on under false pretenses, and using you for sex. Heck yes, this is your business. How many more women is he going to screw around with and use to have sex with, whilst his wife sits at home oblivious? All this said, what you end up doing is entirely up to you. But it's most assuredly, your business.
marlena Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 My advice? Thank your lucky stars that you saw the ring, chalk the whole thing up to experience and walk away! As you say you weren't loking for anything serious, so no harm done. These things do happen.
Charles1978 Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I wouldn't call her. That's just going to cause more drama. Like you said, it was just fun and exciting. Leave it at that.
Lizzie60 Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Ha-hem.... you have sex with a total stranger and now you blame HIM for being married and having sex.. sorry.. but you're just as much to blame.... should you tell his wife.. I say no.. but if you do.. just say that you had sex with him without knowing f'all about this man... ...
Trialbyfire Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 People suck! Tell the wife. She deserves to know what a schmuck he is.
2sunny Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 how long were you seeing him? where did you meet? did he ever take you out? i don't understand how you could have felt this was a "normal" guy you were supposed to be seeing and dating... for all the married spouses who say "he/she couldn't be having an affair - i know where he/she is ALL THE TIME - this is proof that if a person wants to find time - they will. if you really consider the circumstances of seeing this guy - you will understand that you could have figured out that he was married. didn't you two ever have conversations about daily life? didn't it occur to you that he didn't ask you out in public or have people he worked with meet you while you were there?
Author amymarieca Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 I feel as though we are getting a little off topic about my actual question. No where in my post did I say this guy was a total stranger or that I didn't go anywhere in public with him. I knew him for a while before the office thing started happening. I chose to leave out those details because they are not relevant to the question I am asking. I will restate my question. To sum it up I was involved with a guy who I didn't know was married. He lied to me about it. I feel obligated somehow to tell his wife what was going on. Do you think this is a bad idea?
IrishCarBomb Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I feel obligated somehow to tell his wife what was going on. Do you think this is a bad idea? Do you work with him? Or were you just able to have access to his office?
Angel1111 Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 If I were his wife, I'd want to know he did this. There would be nothing wrong with telling her. He's the one who wronged you both. Men bank on women keeping quite. If you tell her, maybe he'll think twice before he does something like this again.
Geishawhelk Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I will restate my question. To sum it up I was involved with a guy who I didn't know was married. He lied to me about it. I feel obligated somehow to tell his wife what was going on. Do you think this is a bad idea? Ok. Now go through the thread again. Some say "yes". Some say "no." Some (like me) say "ultimately, it's your call". So basically, the choice is yours. Think about motive and justification. Does the end justify the means? For my part, speaking personally? He'd come home one evening finding his wife and me having a cosy fireside chat......
Star Gazer Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I feel as though we are getting a little off topic about my actual question. No where in my post did I say this guy was a total stranger or that I didn't go anywhere in public with him. I knew him for a while before the office thing started happening. I chose to leave out those details because they are not relevant to the question I am asking. Oh, so now you've known him for a while? And you never knew he was involved? I don't believe it. Sorry, I just don't. I believe your question about telling the wife is driven by something other than an altruistic motive. Your motive is highly relevant to what you should do. So that's my answer. NO.
Lucky_One Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Personally, I wouldn't call myself the Other Woman. I would call myself the long-gone woman who got lied to. Other Women stay in the affair.
2sunny Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 the fact that you won't answer simple questions so we can have a little back ground and answer with the information necessary leads me to believe that you aren't being honest with us/and maybe not to yourself either. if you spent time with him - you had to have some indications of him and if he was married or not. if you honestly think about your time with him - you will realize that you had signs all along and chose not to acknowledge what he was saying to you. so, NO - don't tell the wife! there's the answer i'm giving based upon your unwillingness to give honest info here.
Author amymarieca Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 Oh, so now you've known him for a while? And you never knew he was involved? I don't believe it. Sorry, I just don't. I believe your question about telling the wife is driven by something other than an altruistic motive. Your motive is highly relevant to what you should do. So that's my answer. NO. Star Gazer, I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are coming across as being quite judgmental and rude. Sorry, but that's just how I feel.
Author amymarieca Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 how long were you seeing him? where did you meet? did he ever take you out? i don't understand how you could have felt this was a "normal" guy you were supposed to be seeing and dating... for all the married spouses who say "he/she couldn't be having an affair - i know where he/she is ALL THE TIME - this is proof that if a person wants to find time - they will. if you really consider the circumstances of seeing this guy - you will understand that you could have figured out that he was married. didn't you two ever have conversations about daily life? didn't it occur to you that he didn't ask you out in public or have people he worked with meet you while you were there? We were seeing each other for a few weeks before the office episodes began to happen. We had gone on several dates and he had been to my place a few times. After the office thing started happening, it was not normal dating, but more of a **** buddy situation. I suppose if I would have "dated" him more I would have figured it out. It is still his fault he lied though.
Author amymarieca Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 Do you work with him? Or were you just able to have access to his office? No, we don't work together. We just had access to his office.
Trialbyfire Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 As an ex-betrayed spouse, I don't particularly care what your motivations are. What I see is a woman who possibly doesn't have a clue what her schmuck of a husband is doing. With this in mind, if you tell her, you level the playing field for her, so she's able to make an educated decision about what her future will be. If you're trying to get revenge, I see it as a win/win action. If you feel remorse and want to somehow make it better, win/win again. The only person who loses if you choose to take this action, is the lying cheater. Once again, win/win.
IrishCarBomb Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 No, we don't work together. We just had access to his office. Well... that makes it a little better. Just beware, telling the wife may not go as you expect it will. She may not believe you, and when he denies it you'll look like a crazy stalker. Married guy will cover his arse, and say how you follow him, send him crazy emails for god-knows-what-reason, and won't leave him alone! Telling her will not make you feel better... but if you are honestly compelled by some crazy altruistic duty, feel free to do it.
Benique Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 You should not tell his wife. You know why ? Because she is not guilty . And you are a woman yourself .Imagine your own self in her place . Do not do harm . You will never gain anything by that . You had an experience . It`s ok . There are worse things that happen in lives sometimes. Think of it and start a new life . Life never ends. Best of luck! _____________________________ "Husbands and wives, who sincerely loved each other during their earthy lives,live together again , albeit the mode of communication is the thought, and not the speech."
norajane Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 If I were his wife, I'd want to know he did this. There would be nothing wrong with telling her. He's the one who wronged you both. Men bank on women keeping quite. If you tell her, maybe he'll think twice before he does something like this again. I agree. Perhaps if women didn't let men get away with lying and cheating, fewer of them would make it a hobby.
annieo Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 If I was his wife, I would appreciate hearing the truth. She's not going to hear it from him obviously. Just make sure that she knows that you didn't have a clue that he was married and that you are telling her because you feel for her, not because you're on a revenge mission. He lied to both of you - you have that in common. If you broach the subject with that in the front of your mind, you'd be doing her a big favour.
CailinPig Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I can't believe how judgemental so many of you are being. You're saying she's wrong cos she was sleeping with a man in his office?? There's nothing wrong with that at all. Some of you are too judgemental. I won't say who, but I think it's pretty obvious. And no, if you're seeing someone, it's not easy to see what they're not telling you. If the guy didn't tell her he was married, why would she believe otherwise. Your natural instinct is to take people at face value when they're saying normal everyday things. Anyway, it's a difficult question to answer. Telling his wife is good on the one hand, because she will be able to see what kind of man he is. On the other hand, it may be bad because this may destroy her life, her faith in her husband, her happiness etc. It's a difficult one to call. But as far as I'm concerned, it's something you should probably walk away from, because it's too hard of a decision to make.
Charles1978 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 With the extra info about you not working with him... I assumed you did... then you can tell her if you want to. But just be sure that you'll be able to stay away from that situation. If you do tell her... then dissapear. Since you don't know the guy that well, you never know... he might be a psycho and come after you for telling her. And you also never know what the wife's reaction will be. If you do tell her, make sure you can get out of the situation completely.
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