My mind is stuck on him, can't move on and it's destroying me...you need time to read

[mariella]

I've got a problem with a boy, which perhaps some of you can relate to.

Basically i met a guy on july 1st 2007, it was quite funny how we met. I was working in a bar as a promo girl and he regularly came to that bar, i noticed him first of all outside in the queue, but i went back inside and thought nothing of it. I get quite a few guys asking me for a number cos of the job im in, and i always give the answer that 'I have a boyfriend'

However this night, i was doing the usual promoting and he starting speaking to me, asked me for my number and so i thought why not, he seemed nice enough. The next day i was moving into a new house, and he text me straight away, this went on for a week or so, like constantly engaged in conversation. He asked me out so we went for first date...usual dilema of what to wear and nerves, the date went well though, we met in a quiet pub and talked for ages, he didnt look to of made much of an effort! haha but he looked cute anyway.

This went on, we spent alot of time together, going to cinema, bowling, films at mine, was so good and so different to what im used to. I was on hospital placement at that time with uni, so spent most of my day texting him, and he was the sweetest person, saying all the right things and just being generally perfect. It turned out he went to school with one of my best friends from uni and she had nothing bad to say about him.

 

He eventually asked me out and to be honest i didnt want to say yes cos i thought it was too soon, but on the other hand i didnt want to lose him so i said yes. From then on, it went down hill, we both became very strange with each other, i was dealing with the fact i had quit uni and not wanted to tell my parents cos i felt i had let them down, he also said he had issues he was dealing with. It was then my birthday and he took me to cinema and a meal and everything was fine, he seemed a bit distant but i thought it was just cos he was tired, he then finished with me the day after my birthday. I already hate birthdays but this completely knocked my confidence in birthdays ever again.

I was devastated but kinda relieved at same time, i left it and called him a week later saying i needed him to explain himself cos it was so sudden, he couldnt give me an answer saying he still liked me but had so much to deal with.

We spoke on and off for a while, i then decided to go to london for a while to clear my head and think everything over like what to do about uni and telling my parents, and he wanted to come with me but i refused and went on my own. I spent two weeks on my own in london just sight seeing and keeping a diary on how i felt. ( I live up north so it was quite a long way from home)

When i came back i felt so much better and tried to get on with things, so got a job and stayed in the north instead of returning home to my parents, i thought i had moved out so theres no point going back. I then went abroad over christmas with my parents and he got facebook to keep in touch with me, it was so strange, we spoke all the time and it was good, when i came back we arranged to meet and he came to mine, it was a bit awkward but good we were still speaking.

For the next 4 months he would come to mine nearly every friday and saturday night at like 5am when he had been out, i didnt mind cos i loved having him there and felt safe with him. Nothing intimate had happened with us since before christmas. So this went on for a good 5-6months where he wasn't getting anything ;o) from me which gave me a bit of faith he wasn't coming to see me for just one thing.

At one point when we were on i had called him on a night out and really wanted to see him, he kicked up a fuss saying i couldnt come over cos he was tired and i wouldnt get to his till after my night out, which made me feel stupid and unwanted cos he would always come to mine and i never cared, i just wanted to see him... It really worked me up that i rang him crying, i never used to cry in front of him, and told him that that was it, i had had enough and for him to delete my number, photos of me and forget he had ever met me. I had just had enough of going back and forth with him, he text me after the phone calling saying are you sure, and i said yes. Then that was it..... i didnt hear from him....

A week went by and i started to get upset but had to remember i had told him never to call me again. After a few weeks I had forgotten and was absolutely fine. Then exactly 6 weeks after this happened i was working at the same club he came to, i hoped he wouldnt be there, but he was, and he took me to one side and told me seeing me made him realise how much he liked me and how everytime he heard a certain song it made him think of me, and i listened but didnt want to be a fool, so he told me to take him number and call him sometime if he was interested.

I was gobsmacked and he left, i was adament i wasnt going to call him, it didnt matter anyway cos an hour later he was calling me. He had left his friends and got a taxi home to get my number which he had wrote down.

I didnt know what to do, so i told him i would come see him, i left work early and went and picked him up and brought him to mine, it was amazing, we spoke all night and cuddled and nothing funny happened but everything seemed fine. Then the next morning i called him a taxi cos i had work to go to. Later that day i got a text off him saying he had over reacted and got a bit carried away and to forget everything he had said.

 

I was stuck in square one again, so i just got on with my life, got a new job,new set of friends and was fine ( as fine as i could be) i dated people all throughout the times we were off and never met anyone who came close to him.

I decided to move back home to get away from everything, so on my last night i stayed at his and we had a good night...... first time since we had been going out. I then was living like 150 miles away and we kinda just did it as a farewell. I ended up moving back and he found out, so we began speaking again.

I added him to facebook and that was the first time i saw he was in a relationship... he wasnt when we had spent the night together, but i still felt a fool, how could i be so stupid!? i had all these feelings for someone whos with another person... i decided to suck it up and be friends which worked for us, i enjoy his banter, he makes me happy, which is a huge thing, cos im hard to please.

After a month or so, i noticed he had been on holiday with this girl, this upset me hugely but its a natural thing that couples do, i just wished that could of been me.

We kept speaking and he ended up meeting me on a night out and came back to mine, i think he expected something, but i made a comment which annoyed him or stirred some guilt up in him, and i thought this is my chance.. i said he cudnt leave till we had sorted this out, he told me he liked me alot, and i said he had the best chance ever to leave and he would never hear from me again, our chapter would b closed but he said he didnt want that. He left and went home, and i cryed properly for the first time over him, i just wanted him to be with me, i get so lonely at times and hes the only one that makes me feel safe and happy.

We spoke the next day and he said can we forget what happened last night and that he wanted to be friends still, thats how we've left it......

I agreed to this cos what else could i do?! I couldnt not be friends with him..

Now its coming up to christmas and it becomes family time and everything is gifts and spending time with loved ones, im in the same place i was before i met him...alone at christmas and having to wish him the best with his new girlfriend when all i could wish for would it to be me who hes with.

 

It's been 1 and a half years i known this boy now, and i cant move on...

I have a great job in the clubbing scene where i meet loads of people and have people ask me out, but i cant allow myself to get to know anyone else cos i have this thing about them not being close to what my ex is....

Its sad, cos ive now been offered an absolutely once in a lifetime job, and everyone i know is so happy for me...and all i can think of is him, rather than be happy for myself and think about the opportunities ahead of me...

 

I dont know what to do now is my problem, my mind is completely and utterly taken over with thoughts of him...

 

I sometimes wish i had never met him, so i wouldnt know this feeling and wouldnt know any different

 

 

That is my problem...I needed to get it out.

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