RRyan65 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 This is terrible. Last night was the first night I went out after my ex ended things with me just one week ago Sunday (16 mo. relationship). Well wouldn't you know, that in all of the Phoenix area, I had to go to the one bar that she showed up with with her new dude. DEVASTATED. CRUSHED, I was. Her jaw dropped when she looked at me (because she told me last weekend that she just met the guy two days ago and they only had been on a hike. Yeah right) They looked quite comfortable together, as if they've known each other for quite some time. My friends and I left the bar right then and there without saying a word to her. Later she texted me "I'm sorry". **** that. All this week, trying to get over the breakup, I've been placing this girl on a pedestal. Thinking about all the sweet memories we had, how I took her for granted, how I didn't meet her needs as much, how much I made finances an issue, and at the same time, how much she wanted to commit to me but I blew those requests off. So, I did have many faults in the relationship, but I tried to end it amicably over three months ago. I didn't have anyone else in line or a rebound. When I tried breaking up with her, she cried so hard that our breakup lasted only 5 minutes. I said lets give it another try, til the end of this year and see if something rekindles (hmmmm I guess she took the 'end of the year' part seriously). Well within the three month trial period she started to withdraw. She started having girls night out again. Smoking weed to tune out her guilt. Avoiding conflict resolution. She was obviously putting up a guard, building a support network, gathering her nuts for the winter (literally) so she wouldn't get hurt again. In hindsight, she played it quite well. Then last week the bomb dropped on me. Her phone was off all day (something that would never happen, unless someone special was occupying her time, and she didn't want interruptions from me. This was the day they were on the supposed hike). When I confronted her the next day, she confirmed it. I was running around like a headless chicken, wondering what the **** happened. I had been trying for the past two weeks to get clarification from her. I asked her "do you want me in or out of your life?" She responded, of course, that she wanted me in. She was basically using me as a safety net, just in case this new dude didn't turn out to be all that. For the last couple of week Ive been getting messages of love and dedication from her, but no actions to back it up. I wasn't even looking for reassurances either. She would send me these out of the blue. Thing is, I still think the world of who the girl was (pre-August breakup attempt). I ****ed up and didn't think things through, and hastily tried to break up with her. Since then, we had good times and a lot of bad times. She decided to deal with it by cheating/phasing out. This of course causes an atmosphere of "chase", since she's now harder for me to get. I became a heck lot more interested and suspicious. Well, I'm broken now. I feel like I screwed up so bad, I lost the one true love of my life (btw I'm 6'8 and she's 6'0 and had a heart of gold). I know the way she managed conflict wasn't the best, but I feel like I created the situation by rejecting her in the first place. I cant even remember what BIG thing I had against her. It all seems petty now. Maybe I wanted to be single? I dont know anymore, but what I've been going through in the last week is hell. And I will learn from this. I am afraid that regret will linger for far too long. I'm also afraid that if I try dating again, that my EX is going to become the new standard (the EX that was so sweet). I would've made her the new standard as a way of making things right again in my life. I'm afraid that she was the only sweet, horny, tall, caring, committed girl out there (prior to the rejection). Again, I will no longer be the kind of man I was. But, I'm so scared that I ****ed up the person who has loved me the most in my life (I grew up with a bible thumping 'Bates" grandmother who seemed to hate us but God commanded her to claim to love us) and that no one quite like her will ever come around again. SO, even though it's only been a week since the breakup, I feel like I should be psyched to date again, especially since shes already shagging it up with another dude. But I can't. I don't have it in me. I still search for her face in the crowd. I jerk when I walk through the stores and supermarkets we frequented late at night to get something to munch on. I attach her to everything in my life. I still love her. Badly. If I do move on, it's because of the simple fact that I would've fallen out of the routine of being with her and essentially forgetting who she was. I won't move on because I found someone better fitting. And this saddens me deeply. I have no problem thinking that I can find someone who will give me a chance, but I don't wanna. She doesn't want to be with me because she has the opportunity to try something new and escape something that was so uncertain, even if I do legitimately change (Shes confirmed her fears to me and I've expressed my drive to be better). I've now picked up the pieces I have left of my dignity and gone NC. But it doesn't matter. She want's NC. She can make anyone happy, whereas I feel I can make no one happy. I'm so discouraged. I am on my way to help (counseling, self-reflection and research) but I messed up royally. It'll never happen again. EDIT: Wow, I feel a little better after letting that out.
motive2002 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I don't know what to say. It looks to me like you dumped her, and then suddenly regretted your decision when you saw her with another man? When you dump someone, you had better be prepared for them to be out of your life permanently. Don't string them along, and do a whole "trial period" thing. Make sure your decision is final before breaking someone's heart. You have quite a way of assuming what she's been up to, or what she's feeling, unless she told you all of those things herself. You don't know what she's been through... even if she did tell you how she feels, you may never really know. If she really is everything you say she is, why don't you tell her? You've told us how amazing she is, maybe you should tell her before it's too late. I get the feeling that you're not really ready to commit to her though, so maybe this is all for the best. You broke it off for a reason. Maybe you should let her go if you can't give her what she's looking for?
D-Lish Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I know if someone broke up with me initially and then changed their mind, I'd probably begin to check out emotionally as well. She felt the pain when you tried to end things and has probably been unable to trust herself with you since. I think the two of you need to sit down and have a long talk, both for closure and clarification. Sorry you are hurting.
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