Els Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 How do you know, if a guy is over his ex or not? What constitutes 'over'? There's this guy whom I'm just starting something with, who just broke up with his very long-term gf a few months ago. It was he who initiated it because he saw no point in going further (things had been very rocky for a long time for them). However, he gets rather emotional when he talks about it, and he still keeps the photos he has of them. My initial gut response was, there's nothing wrong with this. After all, they HAVE been together for XX number of years... it's only natural for him to grieve, and to want to keep some memories. In fact, I might think less of him if he could callously and unaffectedly remove and forget all traces of her. But then I wonder, does he still yearn for her? Am I just a rebound, because he's feeling so lonely and having such a hard time getting over it? Am I a 'replacement'? The closest thing he resorts to, because we were such good friends before we got together?
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 That's tough to know for sure. He made a mistake though by keeping pictures of her/them. That was a true mistake. He should not have done that. Due to that factor alone, I may very well say that he is not over her. You need to ask him straight forward if he is over her. Not if he's ready to move on because he see's no point, but if he is actually over her. And if he says yes, then tell him to delete or put away all the pictures somewhere where he doesn't look at them... And if he says no, then drop 'em...
BikerBeagle Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 If he's 'grieving', he's not over her. "But then I wonder, does he still yearn for her? Am I just a rebound, because he's feeling so lonely and having such a hard time getting over it? Am I a 'replacement'? The closest thing he resorts to, because we were such good friends before we got together?" Probably. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Author Els Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 I'm not sure if he actually looks at them. They just remain in his camera and computer, both of which have lots of free space. Also, she's been stalking him, attempting contact for the past few months, but he hasn't replied her. If I were to ask him, I'm betting he would say 'I don't know'. I would probably say the same thing if I were in his shoes. XX years is a very, very long time, and the recovery process would probably take some time...
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Ok problem solved. You yourself said the recovery process would take a long time. So what are you doing getting involved with him while he is still going through it? He isn't over her if he's still recovering. Problem solved.
motive2002 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 However, he gets rather emotional when he talks about it, and he still keeps the photos he has of them. Looks like a red flag to me. If I had a new gf that kept pictures of her and her old man around, and got emotional about their breakup... well, I'd feel really weird about it. Seems like he's just not over her yet. Don't get too invested into this one methinks.
Growingup Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Looks like a red flag to me. If I had a new gf that kept pictures of her and her old man around, and got emotional about their breakup... well, I'd feel really weird about it. Seems like he's just not over her yet. Don't get too invested into this one methinks. This is exactly the same situation I had, she kept pictures of her ex and every time she talked about him it seemed as if she was still in love with him. I asked why she kept the pictures and she said because he was a big part of her life... I was like okay fine makes sense. I asked her later if she still loved him because I couldn't be in a relationship if she still loved someone else and she said she didn't. BUT HOLD ON when we broke up she said we didn't connect well and her ex was coming back the next week to meet up with her......... AWESOME
Trialbyfire Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I've only had it happen once, where a guy wasn't over his ex. At the time, I was too stupid to realize it. To me, there were no red flags but in retrospect, he did have quick access to the pic of his ex and did talk about her a bit. I didn't know about this until months after it was over. It was a revolting feeling. If your instincts are telling you so now, more than likely they're right. Two months is a very short time to get over an LTR.
Author Els Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 Yeah, I'm taking this very very slowly, giving him lots of time to recover, not committing anything major yet. However, now that I think about it, I suppose there are two types of 'not over the ex yet'. The first is when the person actually WANTS to get back with the ex, but simply does not have the opportunity. I don't think that's the case with him, since she keeps trying to get him back but he's held fast thus far. The second I suppose is when the sting of the breakup still hurts, although the person concerned knows for sure it's over. I suppose that should be quite alright? Like I said, I would probably think less of him if breaking off such an LTR did NOT have any impact on him.
carhill Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 But then I wonder, does he still yearn for her? Am I just a rebound, because he's feeling so lonely and having such a hard time getting over it? Am I a 'replacement'? The closest thing he resorts to, because we were such good friends before we got together? IMO, if he gets "emotional", there's still a connection, even though things were "rocky" and he initiated the breakup. If he were emotionally detached from her, he could talk about it in matter-of-fact terms without emotion. How did you feel about him during your stint as a "friend" while he was involved? Were you single or in a R? What changed? Who approached whom? What do you want right now?
lonelygurl Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Sounds like he is not over his X and this could be a rebound for you. This is a tough situation. Maybe you could confront him and discuss it?
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