tinogrrl Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 This is something that happened a few months ago, but still seems to be affecting my boyfriend's and my relationship. Long story short (hopefully): We started hanging out with a couple (who I will refer to as Adam and Amy) who were co-workers with my boyfriend. It didn't take me long to notice that Amy would always flirt with my boyfriend, right in front of me, whenever we hung out. It progressively became more obvious, especially when she would always try to make it a point to make physical contact by either hugging him or touching his knee. I told my boyfriend that I had noticed and that it was starting to make me angry. He understood, and told me that it made him really uncomfortable when she did those things. Regretfully, I decided not to take her aside and tell her to stop. Then one night, we all went out to the bars, then came back to my boyfriend's and my apartment. I decided to pass out "early" at 3:30am because I was drunk and tired, as did Amy's boyfriend Adam. My boyfriend wanted to stay up and drink more. At some point my boyfriend decided to walk to the nearest gas station and Amy volunteered to accompany him. On the way back, she started crying and talking about how unhappy she was in her relationship with Adam. Then she makes a move on my boyfriend. Being the loyal and dedicated an boyfriend that he is, he rejects her advances. I do not find out that this happens till a week later. I brought up Amy's flirting again with my boyfriend, saying that I think I should "have a talk" with her because I have a feeling that she is planning on trying something. Then my boyfriend tells me that she already has tried something. Can't say that I was really all that surprised. Of course I am livid, and want to confront her and tell Adam. My boyfriend does not want us to do anything because he still wants to be friends with Adam. So I do and say nothing. We stop hanging out with them. Cold turkey. If I am to keep silent, I do not want to see or speak to Amy, much less put up a facade and pretend nothing is wrong if we were to all hang out again. Of course I do not want Amy to be spending time with my boyfriend, because I do not trust her, at all. At the same time I do not wish to break up my boyfriend's and Adam's friendship. Lately my boyfriend has been wanting to hang out with Adam again, and I am uncomfortable with the idea of her being around when they do. I trust my boyfriend and do not suspect anything on his part, I just don't like the idea of her flirting with him and possibly trying something again, especially if I can't do or say anything. This brings me to my problem: my boyfriend thinks I do not trust him, and thinks that I have issues with him having female friends. I do not see it this way; my problem is that I do not trust her. Furthermore, since I am not "allowed" to say or do anything about the situation I do not feel comfortable hanging out with them anymore. The part that really bothers me is that we can no longer hang out with them together; I feel like this is something that we used to be able to do together, and now it is an activity that is his. Does this make sense? Whenever this issue arises, I cannot seem to get across what I really feel. I trust my boyfriend, that is not the issue, but he does not seem to see it that way. What should I do? I do not want my boyfriend to continue thinking that I do not trust him, when I really do. I know he would not cheat on me, especially not with her. Advice??? Please?
Trialbyfire Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Technically speaking, you don't totally trust your b/f. If you did, you wouldn't be concerned, since he would just rebuff her if she came onto him again. It really is your b/fs issue, in that if he really wanted this never to happen again, he would take measures to ensure it doesn't. When a guy's completely disinterested in a woman, he can shut things down...COLD. He appears to enjoy the ego stroking. Whether you're willing to put up with it, is up to you. The only recourse you have is to discuss it with him one more time. If he chooses to take it as a form of control or over-jealousy, there's not much you can do about it, if you want to stay with him. The question you have to ask yourself, is do you bite the bullet or grit your teeth? He seems to lack concern, about what you're experiencing.
Geishawhelk Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Start seeing them again. if she tries anything, make sure you get up, go step between them, and sit between him and her. Smile at her, and cuddle up to him. Make sure she is in no doubt that you are intentionally separating them. If that's not possible, say loud and clear, "Amy, you know, you're behaviour is really inappropriate, and both my BF and I really wish you'd stop. Only, he's too much of a gentleman to say anything. I however, think it's about time you called a halt to this." She'll protest, get embarassed, and tell you she's just having a laugh, and don't be so silly. At this point, you bite your tongue, look right at her, say absolutely nothing - REALLY, I mean it - not a word - and just let the silence become uncomfortable for her. That would be my take on it. It might be worth telling your BF that you are ok about seeing them again, but if she tries anything, just once, that is how you'll proceed. And that you expect him to back you up 100%. This is not up for discussion. You're telling him, not asking him. if he protests or tries to tell you you're being unreasonable - then you know you have more of a problem on your hands than you thought.
Author tinogrrl Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 Technically speaking, you don't totally trust your b/f. If you did, you wouldn't be concerned, since he would just rebuff her if she came onto him again. I was afraid that someone would draw this conclusion; however, I will reiterate that this is not the issue. I trust my boyfriend, and I trust that should she ever try anything again that the result would be the same: immediate and swift rejection. It makes me sick knowing that she has a complete disrespect for my boyfriend's and my relationship, and for crossing boundaries she had no right to. I do not like to associate with toxic people, as she clearly is. However, since my boyfriend wants to remain friends with Adam, potential future interactions with her are likely unavoidable (since they live together). As I stated originally, I do not wish do break up the friendship nor have I given an ultimatum by saying that my boyfriend can never see Amy again; I have expressed concern and discomfort regarding her possibly trying anything again. Imagine yourself in my position: if your SO was approached by someone else, someone you thought was your friend (or at least trying to befriend you), would you feel completely comfortable hanging out with them again, much less having your SO hang out with them? Yes, you trust your SO, but wouldn't you still feel sickened by the complete disregard the "friend" has for you and your relationship? Trialbyfire, you have made some valid points: my boyfriend does not seem to see it as I see it - we have some miscommunication going on. Perhaps if I am unable to resolve this miscommunication, then I will, as you say, have to "grit my teeth" as I do not wish to end our relationship. Trust is a two-way street; if he does not trust that when I am telling him that I trust him, then he is the one guilty of mistrust...? Geishawhelk: that is excellent advice! That potential interaction resolves several issues, all at once. For one, I get to vocalize my disapproval of her actions, publicly; for another, this allows my boyfriend to remain friends with Adam without having to tell him what happened. Amy should be honest and mature and tell her boyfriend herself (but in all actuality she probably won't). I am confident that my boyfriend would support me, should it come to this. If not, then indeed we would have bigger problems.
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