SingleAgain08 Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 I've been dating someone for about a month and last week talked and decided to be exclusive. Since then, we have seen each other three times and spent significant time in bed making out and twice it has eventually led to sex. The first time, he was able to do it but only lasted two minutes. The second time, he lost his erection right beforehand and so we hung out and talked in bed for awhile and eventually we were able to try again, but this time, he lasted less than a minute. Then last night we made out for a long time but he didn't even try to have sex (even though he did have an erection). I didn't ask because I thought that might make him nervous. I really like this guy but this is frustrating! I am afraid to talk to him about it for fear of making it worse. I did tell him when he lost his erection that it was fine and that whatever happens is okay, but truthfully, I really enjoy sex and I probably can't be happy in an exclusive relationship with sexual difficulties of this level. Should I just be patient and keep quiet and hope he gets more comfortable with me over time, or do I need to bring this up? And if so, what do I say? I should mention this guy is 26 and has been in serious relationships before, so I know he has experience. Link to post Share on other sites
wisebutnotperfect Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 the answer is communication. you have got to be able to approach him and this "issue" in a very non confrontational and loving way. most of all let him know how much you care about him as a person and that sex is really an extra nice thing added to what you feel that you already have with him. buddhism teaches that there are only 2 things that create suffering.. attachment and expectations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 There could be a number of things causing it. Best bet is to talk to him if it continues. Drugs, Alcohol abuse, low Testosterone, being overweight are but a few of the things. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 maybe he took steroids or something in his past. Even though it might make it worse I think you won't be happy till you talk about it with him. Just be sensitive and ask the questions you've wanted to ask like "has this been a problem with past gf's?" "Do you know why this is happening" "will it always be like this?" when I've had sexual issues with what a girl has done in bed I always know that i'm going to risk hurting them or angering them but I bring it up anyway because I feel better Link to post Share on other sites
rod_in_gtown Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 I don't know how he's wired but for me, the first few times there's a lotg of anxiety, I ended up gettin Viagra at one point but my doctor said I don't really need it since I'm in good shape and young. However he believes it helped my confidence just knowing that the pill was "helping me". I am usually more at ease with a woman after a few weeks and if she helps me by telling me what she likes and also letting me know I'm doing it right. It's really all about communication. For me I rather talk about sex than assuming about it. However, you'll find that after he's comfortable with you, the sex will get MUCH better. Link to post Share on other sites
lightscamerainaction Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Oh honey...I've been doing what you guys are doing for four months! But the relationship is so good otherwise that I can't just let it go yet....sigh....I must be stupid Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleAgain08 Posted December 13, 2008 Author Share Posted December 13, 2008 Did you try to talk to him? I'm curious if you did, what did you say? I feel bad for you -- four months is a loooooooong time! Link to post Share on other sites
Rebellious Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Simple, just do it more often, then it will last much longer. If he finds you attractive enough, he'll do ya many times till you're sore. Remember, a man is not just a live dildo, you have to turn him on as a woman and make him want to please you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleAgain08 Posted December 13, 2008 Author Share Posted December 13, 2008 I won't go into detail here but let's say I do a lot perk his interest -- I don't just lay there and expect him to do everything to me. It's just the actual sex that's an issue -- everything else we're doing in bed is great. I'm going to talk to him soon because I don't think this problem will just go away without some discussion. Any more tips on what to say -- how to phrase it? I think he's just feeling insecure and I don't want to amplify those feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Rebellious Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 I won't go into detail here but let's say I do a lot perk his interest -- I don't just lay there and expect him to do everything to me. It's just the actual sex that's an issue -- everything else we're doing in bed is great. I'm going to talk to him soon because I don't think this problem will just go away without some discussion. Any more tips on what to say -- how to phrase it? I think he's just feeling insecure and I don't want to amplify those feelings. Never mind "discussion", just do it, you'll get better with practice. Girls like to discuss, guys don't. Sex is not a sport, so I wouldn't call it "performance", just try reading his sexual response and not his mind. Also, your orgasm is not his responsibility, and if you make it then it becomes a chore. Link to post Share on other sites
Julesx0822 Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 you guys don't seem to be "in sync" just yet... i would do what someone previously said: finish him off before you go out for the night and put some alcohol in his system. i wouldn't address it as an "issue" but maybe try some different positions and see if it lengthens your experience - this requires practice and more sexual encounters, of course, but practice makes perfect! doing it doggy (or from behind) allows for the deepest penetration, but might take away from his visual excitement, forcing him to rely on your noises and such, which will lead to more 'syncness.' as you get more excited, he will get more excited. or try it on top - this will give you the control as to how fast you go. you might also try around with your levels of foreplay - more foreplay might get him off faster, less foreplay, maybe not? depends. overall, just make sure you try to boost his confidence. yeah it's "fine" that he lost his erection, because women usually don't care (we know that it happens), but he's not going to want to hear about it again - big ego crusher. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleAgain08 Posted December 13, 2008 Author Share Posted December 13, 2008 He avoids alcohol almost completely when we hang out and I know he likes to drink with his friends so I'm just going to assume that getting drunk with him at this point is not a option for whatever reason. I do like the idea of phrasing it as being "out of sync" with each other and wanting to work towards being more "in sync." Hopefully it will get him to tell me more about what works for him and not feel like it's all his fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Julesx0822 Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Maybe you could invite him out for a drink one day - for happy hour, just for fun - and see how it goes. One of the most "in sync" sexual positions is missionary (girl on her back, guy on top). It's a very intimate position because you are so physically close and can feel eachothers skin. Maybe if you want more pleasure, give him some directions on foreplay. when he does something you like, tell him. He will love knowing that he is doing something right and it will help boost his confidence. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 I don't know what to suggest, But anyway, two things: first - premature ejaculation should no longer be an issue by age of 26... Basically, most healthy guys get a hang on this soon after the teenage years... Same for the erection problems: key thing is to determine if this is 1) a persistent physiological/health issue 2) persistent psychological issue, or 3) random, idyosincratic issue (e.g. was anxious, was upset, was drunk, whatever0. Of these, only 3) is nothing to worry about... Finally, the way I handle performance anxiety is not to think about it at all. The very first time yo uhave sex with somebody usually is not that great anyway. Unless there are health or major psycho-issues, mother nature takes care of things more or less in the ballpark. I'm still not sure if my new girlfriend of several weeks has had an orgasm yet. But, both of us initiate sex and thigs are getting in sync. Link to post Share on other sites
rod_in_gtown Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Remember, alcohol does inhibit erections, so if you expect him to be looser by getting him drunk, just remember that you'll also get him limper. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 I normally don't have any trouble but I did tonight so I wanted to come back and share... I think a man has only so many boners in him any given night and its way easier to keep a boner up then repeadedly get one... tonight I had a boner... got in a fight... lost it.... got it back... couldn't find the condoms... lost it..... had it back but then turns out I got the wrong condoms and it upset me lost it.......finaly got one last one was ready to go something happened that delayed me from getting in and well it was like I was out of boners really depresing actually nothing like this ever happened to me.... so what I'm saying is maybe he should just use the boner when he gets it Link to post Share on other sites
Rudderless Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 I normally don't have any trouble but I did tonight so I wanted to come back and share... I think a man has only so many boners in him any given night and its way easier to keep a boner up then repeadedly get one... tonight I had a boner... got in a fight... lost it.... got it back... couldn't find the condoms... lost it..... had it back but then turns out I got the wrong condoms and it upset me lost it.......finaly got one last one was ready to go something happened that delayed me from getting in and well it was like I was out of boners really depresing actually nothing like this ever happened to me.... so what I'm saying is maybe he should just use the boner when he gets it you went out on a romantic date and ended up in a fight then had sex but had a problem with the condom? are you for real? Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 you went out on a romantic date and ended up in a fight then had sex but had a problem with the condom? are you for real? yeah condoms suck thats another sugestion to fix the problem if she can wait it out and they both get std tests and shes willing to have condom free sex things should get alot better Link to post Share on other sites
lightscamerainaction Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Did you try to talk to him? I'm curious if you did, what did you say? I feel bad for you -- four months is a loooooooong time! We had multiple talks about this. He tells me he is not very in tune with his emotions and is not sure what's going on exactly, but he tells me, and I believe this because of the other stuff we do together as a couple, that he is madly in love with me and has never had this emotional connection with any of his previous girlfriends. Somehow this connection is causing him to overthink sex and becomes anxious and when he starts thinking too much about it he looses that sexual urge. None of this makes sense at all to me. I also recently realized he is fully capable of going all the way every time we fool around but something is stopping him. Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 We had multiple talks about this. He tells me he is not very in tune with his emotions and is not sure what's going on exactly, but he tells me, and I believe this because of the other stuff we do together as a couple, that he is madly in love with me and has never had this emotional connection with any of his previous girlfriends. Somehow this connection is causing him to overthink sex and becomes anxious and when he starts thinking too much about it he looses that sexual urge. None of this makes sense at all to me. I also recently realized he is fully capable of going all the way every time we fool around but something is stopping him. Its pretty simple really he wants to please you and is worried if hes not great you will judge him or compare him to others etc.... With the other women he probably didnt care either way and just wanted to get off. Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I've been dating someone for about a month and last week talked and decided to be exclusive. Since then, we have seen each other three times and spent significant time in bed making out and twice it has eventually led to sex. The first time, he was able to do it but only lasted two minutes. The second time, he lost his erection right beforehand and so we hung out and talked in bed for awhile and eventually we were able to try again, but this time, he lasted less than a minute. Then last night we made out for a long time but he didn't even try to have sex (even though he did have an erection). I didn't ask because I thought that might make him nervous. I really like this guy but this is frustrating! I am afraid to talk to him about it for fear of making it worse. I did tell him when he lost his erection that it was fine and that whatever happens is okay, but truthfully, I really enjoy sex and I probably can't be happy in an exclusive relationship with sexual difficulties of this level. Should I just be patient and keep quiet and hope he gets more comfortable with me over time, or do I need to bring this up? And if so, what do I say? I should mention this guy is 26 and has been in serious relationships before, so I know he has experience. Have you tried doing a quickie? Forgot the laying around making out etc... Next time you see him take him to your bedroom etc.. bend over and see what happens. Dont give him time to think about anything. If that doesnt work try something more progressive like instead of sex pleasure each other some other way. It sounds like its just the getting used to a new person. Most guys who give a damn about you feel like they have to be amazing so they over think. Same goes for the premature ejaculation Link to post Share on other sites
Bri754 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Its pretty simple really he wants to please you and is worried if hes not great you will judge him or compare him to others etc.... With the other women he probably didnt care either way and just wanted to get off. Exactly right. Ive had this same problem in the past. I have no performance issues for flings, whereas I get nervous as hell when I like someone. Time is probably the best healer, and I would avoid talking about it, depending on how long you have been together. If more than a month, than it may be a different issue. I only have this problem the first week or two, if at all. If its been six months and this is going on, than your entitled to some kind of answer. Most importantly, from a guys perspective, know that it is NOT THAT YOU DONT TURN HIM ON, but rather that you intimidate him (in a healthy way), and hes probably severely attracted to you, which should be a GOOD thing. If you really like him, show him that its not a big deal, and you'll be in business in no time. Link to post Share on other sites
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