hopefulInFuture Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 It's been a month and a half and here I am sad again. Although some things have changed since the last time. The last time he had lied to me about one of his work trips. When he came back, I confronted him but had no truth from him. But I found out on the side what was going on. Fortunately, there was no other woman involved, but it still made me very sad. We already had other relationship issues and now this lying nature of his had made me feel unloved. So, long story told short, we are no longer officially together. But we work together and are friends. During this while, we were (at least I thought) trying to reconcile. Only 4 days ago he told me that he still loved me very much and wanted to be with me. Then he went off to his another business trip to Madrid on Thursday and I went to visit my mom in another town. Ok, traveling is part of his job, but... He was supposed to come back yesterday evening. He told me the flight he was taking: airline, departure city, arrival airport, time... So, as always (but I guess he did not know), I check online the flight status. I worry when he travels and I want to know. So, I saw that the flight he was telling me about actually had not left Madrid. I started checking arrivals in our city, the company website, and they all gave the same information that flight had not left (it actually left from Madrid after supposedly he arrived to our city). So initially I thought, I must have understood this incorrectly. He will be arriving to another airport. Considering that I was visiting my mom, I could not pick him up and also we are friends right now, but I still want him to be honest with me. Therefore, I couldn't have checked where he had actually arrived (if at all), from where and when. So, I simply asked him: where did you landed at? And he told me, I told you which flight I took, from where to where, why do you keep asking. So I replied, well I was checking on your flight cause I am worried and your flight still has not left the Madrid airport. So, considering there are no other flights to the destination airport you told me, I was just worried. This is the conversation that took place after that: HIM: worried about what? MYSELF: I am worried every time you travel especially in such a bad wheather. HIM: Initially he kept telling me that I did not read correctly the information, cause his flight was on time and he actually landed where he said he landed. MYSELF: I told him, strange because all 3 of the websites (Madrid airport, our airport & airline website) they all say that the flight has not left. I even called the airport cause I was worried and that's what they told me. HIM: At this point, he replied, well, you could have called policy as well, why didn't you? He felt like I was controlling him, while this all happened because I had simply checked that he was flying safe. This was the last conversation. He got upset with me and on the other hand I am upset with him. I went again online over and over to check "his" flight status and it seems to have left 1 hour after he "landed" to our city airport. So I am confused. Could it have really happened that the online information in 3 different places for this flight was wrong? Or is he lying to me again? I lost so much trust in this guy that now I think he is lying to me again. It feels bad. I wanted to trust him again. The more I go ahead with this the more I know that considering that I don't trust him, I should just get out of whatever the relationship we are in. This is not good for me. But I keep wondering whether I should trust him on this one. This all just sounds so strange to me . Thanks to everybody for letting me to get my sorrow out.
BikerBeagle Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 No, you weren't checking that he was safe, no matter how many times you say it ...you were checking up on him, trying to catch him in a lie. Now, it may be that he is lying to you, but that doesn't excuse your behavior either. Trust in a relationship is a terrible thing to lose and I don't think you will ever find it again with this guy.
Author hopefulInFuture Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 Thanks a lot for your reply. I was actually checking to see whether he was flying safe. I have always done this. For anyone in my life. I don't see there's anything wrong with checking the flight schedule. Then of course, it blew me off when he told me he departed with a flight which actually had not left Madrid and I checked afterwards other sites as well. But what would have your reaction been? So, are you trying to tell me that it's my fault?
Author hopefulInFuture Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 So, I guess what I am trying to understand from you... If you have figured out that a person is lying to you, are you not going to check on this person to see if you are being wrong or if he's lying? What would you do in such a situation? Thanks
BikerBeagle Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Look, the problem here is that you still don't trust him ...and you may very well have a good reason not to. All I'm saying is that you can't have a relationship without trust and you are just going to continue beating yourself up everytime he goes out of town. What would I have done? ...ascertained that he lied, again, with reasonable certainty (which, I think you did) and ended the relationship right then and there. It's not even a matter of whether or not he actually lied ...you think he did, that's a trust issue. Why would you even consider staying with someone you can't trust?
Author hopefulInFuture Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 2 days of no contact and all of a sudden I receive a text message from him that says: You know what? You have always doubted of my actions. That's why I was upset that you were controlling me. I was just playing with you when I told you that I had landed at the airport. Actually, you were right and the airplane took off late and I landed to our city airport at 2 in the morning. I think he's just playing some sick games. I don't see any fun in such types of games and also, he did not say he was playing until I had confronted him saying that the airplane he told me he was taking had not left yet. Furthermore, he switched his mobile off telling me that he was departing. and send me a text message exactly 2 hours after telling me that he had landed and this was all a game because he had not yet taken the plane? I am not a kid and neither is he. He's close to becoming 40. What kind of a sick game is this. Somehow I am thinking that he knows that I caught him this time and he's trying to invent something new. I am even angryer than I was before. Am I wrong to react like this? Am I too wrong thinking that he's an even bigger lier than I thought before I received his last text message? Is this guy playing with my mind or what? I am tired of all this crap. I pray god to let me forget him ASAP and move on... Please give me some feedback .
Author hopefulInFuture Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 nobody has any comments for me? Thanks
hereandnow Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 All I can say is those do not sound like the actions of a 40 year old man. They don't sound like the actions of any mature adult. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can act like that? I wouldn't be able to trust someone who does things like that.
Surfer Dude Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Gosh, I really hate it when people play those sick mindgames. Healthy adults don't do that, it seems to me like he's mentally unstable. I second hereandnow, being with someone like him would drive you crazy.
Author hopefulInFuture Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 hereandnow... thank you so much for your feedback. This is exactly what I am thinking. I guess what I want is someone to keep telling me that I am doing the right thing. In my head I know that this guy is just not good for me. And I am struggling with all my heart to get over this stuff. My problem is that I was head over hills for this guy. I thought he was the right person and perfect for me... But then, little by little I started noticing that he lies a lot... he lies about many things, little things, big things... and lies hurt. I know for sure in my head that I don't, I can't be with a person like this. I can't imagine spending my life with a man whom I can't trust. But I still need help... I still need time to get over this feeling. But I know that I am doing the right thing. I know too many things about his past that are now making a lot of things clear to me. Most likely, he was never the perfect person I thought he was... He was most likely a perfect player who knew what I needed and when things did not go the way he wanted he started showing off his real character. I hate being lied to. I need to get through this. I don't have any self-esteem issues. I know it's not me. I know I am doing the right thing. I just need time. I'd like to fall asleep and wake up when I am done... Can't it just be so simple ?
Author hopefulInFuture Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Thanks SurferDude... I really need support like this. I need people telling me exactly what you are telling me . That I don't want to bend myself under a person's lies. I need to free myself of this sick relatioship... He just lied to me so many times.
Author hopefulInFuture Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 It's been harder than I thought it would be... Yesterday he sent me another text message because I had not replied to his previous ones asking me whether I was ok. I thought it was better to reply just to say that I was fine so that he would not worry. This is all I wrote: I am doing fine. Thank you. This was the last communication. As I said he was the first one to shut down our communication on Friday night because he got upset I was controlling him. On Sunday he sent me a text message without even saying sorry he played me. It was my fault that I was controlling him and that he was simply joking about the flight. So, I decided this was it and no contact ever since apart from this only text message. I know deep down in my heart that I am doing the right thing because this guy lied to me numerous things and I will never be able to trust him. I know that the lack of trust will eventually make the matters worse and we end up like one of those couples who fight all the time. I know there's no way going back. Not any more. There's nothing he can do right now that will make all those hurt feelings simply disappear. Yet, I don't hold any grudge for him (apart from lying to me)... And deep in my heart I hope he will be able to move on and be happy one day and that he will make somebody truely happy without lying to them. While I am sure with what I am doing, I am still struggling... Sometimes I feel we could just kiss, hug and start all over again this time without any lies. But I know this is not possible, because the boundaries have been crossed too often and even if I learn how to trust him, he will always find a reason to lie to me. I am sure of this. What I wonder about is, why, with all I am going through if I set aside his lying defect, I still find him to be a good person? Good people don't lie like this continuously, right? Why can't I just stop thinking about his good qualities in order to move on more easily?
Author hopefulInFuture Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 I have not been here for a while... why am I back today? to tell all of those who have doubts to trust your instincts... I just found out today that the doubts I had about this guy were all true... He's with a colleague of ours from another country and he never told me anything about her and never told her anything about me. They've been together before we broke up... and all these months we went out to movies, theature... as if we were friends but more... the only thing missing was sex... Today this colleague arrives from her country and we go out for an appetizer. Last time I saw her several months back she was with a guy for several years... I asked her how her boyfriend was doing and she told me that they broke up and now she was with our colleauge... Who I asked, and guess who? My ex!!! How nice of him for telling me! I feel he's always lied to me... I am angry but I am doing fine... The only thing I know I don't want to be his friend...I don't ever want to see him again... Please people, believe your guts...
wow123 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I was in a similar situation as you. I lost trust for good reason and tried to regain it and continue on in the relationship. I caught her in other lies and I was made out to be crazy and untrusting. The liars and cheaters always but the blame on the other person for some reason. This has happened to me in several relationships. When you are with a liar/cheater you believe they truly love you and have learned from there mistake but they haven't, and they may be this way for the rest of their lives leaving a trail of broken hearts. I feel your pain but we will get through this.
Author hopefulInFuture Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 wow123... I am certain he will never change. He will always be a lier, at least with me. He lied almost about everything. The thing is I did not tell anything this girl. When she told me that they were together and asked me not to tall anybody because they work together and it could cause problems, I simply said, don't worry dear, I won't say anything to anyone. It was a pretty strange situation. There were three of us taking an appetizer. He was with us. I thought he and I were taking out a foreign colleague. Turns out they were taking me out. It felt so awkward... When she told me about him he'd just stepped away to take a glass of wine. I made up an excuse that I had to go home early. I said goodbye to both of them and left immediately. I am certain that if they're together, she would have told him that I knew about them... yet he kept messaging me yesterday asking whether I had arrived home safe... What a strange person... I would have preferred: I am a BS, please forgive me and I will leave you live your life alone... Now, sometimes I think I should tell her what kind of a bastard he is, so that she knows what she's getting into... but then I am thinking if she's already in love with him, she won't believe me anyway and I would just come out like someone who is simply envious... I am not envious... I am done with him. I've had enough of him and his lies... I am not going to tell her anything. I simply hope that she will find happiness with him. I hope he finally found somebody he truly cares about and whom he would not lie to... but considering how they started out I have my big doubts.
Author hopefulInFuture Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 it's been 4 days since I last heard from him and I am doing pretty well . It was so liberating to have proves that he was a pathological liar. While I had doubts I had this constant back thought that maybe I was wrong... I tried my hard to try to understand. Now that I have had my proves, as if a weight fell of my shoulders. I am doing great without him and I am happy. I went on a small vacation. It's a great weather... Today is a national holiday over here and I am going to visit a huge natural park. I don't have many friends but who wants a friend like him anyways! Fortunately I have enough friends to be happy on my own . The last messages he sent me before the final silence fell between us did not benefit him either... He kept sending messages and I thought that he did not know that I knew therefore I decided it was the right thing to do to let him know that I knew they were together. Because she told me... I did not expect anything for him... I hoped that he would simply apologize and we would go on our ways... But no apologies took place... Instead he started his old BS. He told me that this colleague of ours did not mean anything to him and it was only sex... This did not give me any rilief whatsoever... It only made me more disgusted. I don't care whether it's love or sex between them. But this girl believes that they have a wonderful happy relationship and here he comes telling me that it's only sex. He's insulting me, insulting her and even insulting himself by saying this. Such a jerk! I just hope everything works out for her better than it did for me.... But I feel she does not know yet what a jerk he is... Well enough for my ranting... I just wanted to say to all those people who are wondering whether they should lose their significant other or their friend because of lying, YES YOUR LIFE IS WORTH MORE THAN A LYING BS. When you think of all those beautiful moments you've had together, think that none of them were real... They lied all along... That you will never have clarity with them. You will always wonder. The doubts will always grind you down. None of it was real and will never be because the liars think only of themselves and they never really think of you... Let them go... concentrate on yourselves for once and live the life to its fullest: live the reality! Hugs
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