4givrnt4gtr Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Last night I hanged out with this guy who has been pursuing me for the past two months. At first i told him i didnt really want to be in a relationship as i had just gotten out of one. I told him i just would like to hang out, get to know him and see were it went. So for the past two months he's been pretty cool. Once in a while he would text me, we would talk etc, watch movies, hang out etc. Last weekend we had dinner and I realized i actually liked him. His personality is pretty cool and I can totally be myself with him. Last nigth we were hanging out again at my place. We watched some TV, joked, flirted, had some drinks. When he kissed me I let him (after two months!!). We made out, and just joked all night. It was great and I felt really good. Now...my question is....is it costumary for men to not call or text after finally "winning" the girl over? I mean it was quite clear last night that I do like him so....I dont know I guess i thought he would call me or something today. All i got was a text that was supposed to be for a coworker, an apology for the mistaken text, and a response to my "its ok, hope you got home safe" text. I hate dating...too many rules, too many games... i cant keep up...I hate it!
Gremio Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Well how often did you communicate pre-kiss? Did you talk daily? I personally would say something along the lines of "I had an amazing night". I'd acknowledge that it happened, absolutely.
Konfuzion Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 According to the stupid "dating rules" aren't you supposed to wait 2 days before you contact the person?
Gremio Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 According to the stupid "dating rules" aren't you supposed to wait 2 days before you contact the person? By "game" rules that is when you first get a number, you then wait 2-3 days. They have known each other and spent time together for months.
Jims555 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 lots of possibilities here, probably just going to make yourself crazy thinking of them all, but heres a few probable ones from a guys point of view. after pursuing you for so long, he finally "won" and is moving on he finally "won" and can now take a breather from pursuing you as much or he was just busy i'm putting my bets on the 2nd or 3rd one. i don't think he is consciously doing anything to make your head spin, he's just doing what he needs to do for the day/week. i bet in a couple days, if that, he'll be calling asking for some time with you.
tincanman99 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 He is giving it a breather a bit. Its not that he is not into you but rather just needs a breather now. I am sure he will call. Lets put it this way, if he was calling you now some women would be saying he is needy and insecure. You cant win. Be calm, I have no doubt he will call you.
Kamille Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 One day? That's all? Not calling the day after a first kiss is actually pretty standard in my life. In fact, I'm always thrown when someone calls the day after a first make out session. I need that day just to revel in what happened and get used to the idea. You want to give both parties the time to regain their balance. I certainly don't think we should be jumping to any conclusions about his intentions just yet (all the talk about 'winning' you over). It sounds like you're letting your own restlessness get the best of a good situation. He will call. Just be patient. Go hang out with friends or go skating or something.
carhill Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Intimacy (like making out) has different meanings and importance to different people. To some it's like breathing, just an involuntary process that requires little afterthought. Others attach all kinds of scenarios and potential to it and spend a lot of time thinking about it, both beforehand and afterwards. Neither is wrong. They're just different perspectives. If he's interested, he'll call. If he's not, then you had a pleasurable couple of hours of human contact. Beats petting the cat
Left in a Lurch Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Apparently you don't hate the dating rules or games enough for YOU to call or text him. You are doing the exact thing you say you hate, playing the girl acting like she is not too interested and putting it all on the guy. On top of that, you started off by telling a guy that was interested in you that you only wanted to hang out as friends (which was NEVER how he saw it for one second), and then changed your mind and let him kiss you - something friends don't do. You sent him a pretty mixed signal. Two months of "I am not interested in a romantic relationship" and one night of "Let's make out." He would be completely justified to believe you are still not that interested. 180 days of telling him "No" and 1 night of saying, "Ok, maybe" doesn't exactly make a guy full of confidence. Stop playing the games you hate and tell him straight up you are interested and stop wondering why he isn't totally sold on you. He still probably doesn't know where you stand.
carhill Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 The OP was up-front with this guy: Last night I hanged out with this guy who has been pursuing me for the past two months. At first i told him i didnt really want to be in a relationship as i had just gotten out of one. I told him i just would like to hang out, get to know him and see were it went. If he didn't like the terms, he could've cut contact. When I was single, I'd have killed for women who were this direct. Mixed signals doesn't even begin to describe what I experienced most of the time. It is possible, after this length of time, he fell into the "friend trap", where the physical sensations of "making out" were fun but the romantic interest had waned. IME, timing in such matters is important. There are no rules
Left in a Lurch Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 You can't honestly say that if someone you were interested in sexually said, "let's just be friends and hang out", you would go in as a friend and enjoy it. It would be pure torture, especially if one day she started dating someone else in front of you. This guy no doubt was frustrated as hell being in the friend zone. You cannot just be hanging out as friends with a person you already have feelings for and turn it off, and this guy was not hanging out to be just a friend. It doesn't work that way. In the end she was not so direct or honest because she "changed" her mind. Keep in mind the guy never changed his, he was always interested in her. Put yourself in his shoes- 2 months of frustration and 1 night of kissing. What would you think? I would expect if I called her she would say it was a mistake and I should have known we were only friends, or she was drunk, or got lost in the moment, but in the end to quote Dennis Greene sort of "[We] were who we thought [we] were", just friends. If someone tells you for a long time they are not interested and then one day tells you they are interested, you really wonder if it is true and why they were not interested before. You wonder what about you turned them off, and how exactly did they get over it. You wonder why in the previous 2 months you were just friends, but without you changing, how and why did she change her mind? Will she change it back tomorrow? She needs to take the initiative and prove she is interested moving forward, but instead is waiting for this guy to make the next 'first' move. This guy has been making first moves for months by hanging out as friends. It's her turn to prove to him it was not a fluke.
carhill Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 If I had no prior relationship, then, nope, I'd wouldn't participate in such an arrangement. That's not to say that I didn't, at some point in my life, rather, I wouldn't now. If this was a friend for whom my feelings had changed and heard the same thing that the OP purported to say, it would be different, as there was already a basis of friendship; the timing of my change in feelings and her emotional state would just be out of sync. Depending on how much I valued the friendship, I might be inclined to "wait". The risk for the other person is that, during that time, my romantic feelings might wane/die due to lack of nurturing. I've experienced this as well. OP, were you and the guy friends or acquaintances prior to him "pursuing" you? Lastly, we should not presume that every male has to pursue a female sexually and that their only interaction with females must be sexual at its base. OP, tell me about this man's female friends. Past girlfriends/spouses. What is his platonic/romantic history with women? Hanging out for a few months as "friends" surely must've included such conversations.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 If I had no prior relationship, then, nope, I'd wouldn't participate in such an arrangement. That's not to say that I didn't, at some point in my life, rather, I wouldn't now. If this was a friend for whom my feelings had changed and heard the same thing that the OP purported to say, it would be different, as there was already a basis of friendship; the timing of my change in feelings and her emotional state would just be out of sync. Depending on how much I valued the friendship, I might be inclined to "wait". The risk for the other person is that, during that time, my romantic feelings might wane/die due to lack of nurturing. I've experienced this as well. OP, were you and the guy friends or acquaintances prior to him "pursuing" you? Lastly, we should not presume that every male has to pursue a female sexually and that their only interaction with females must be sexual at its base. OP, tell me about this man's female friends. Past girlfriends/spouses. What is his platonic/romantic history with women? Hanging out for a few months as "friends" surely must've included such conversations. Well Ive known him for a few years. When i first met him he was in a relationship which laster for 4 years. We've never been really close, and actually i didnt see him for like 2 years after we met. We reconnected in october, right by the time i broke up with my bf. A week later after my break up he told me he has liked me since he met me but we had always been out of sinc, either one was always in a relationship. I never said I wasnt interested in him. I have always thoughts he was good looking but I didnt know him very well personality wise as well as I had just ended a relationship (I wasnt too heartbroken about it though but still, i wanted to get some time off of the whole dating thing). Thats why i said I wanted to hang out as friends and get to know him better before we decided to date He actually did mention he has a lot more girl friends than guy friends. He gets along well with girls and I guess girls trust him. He's had 5 relationships, and sadly for some reason he's been cheated on a few times. It kind of gave me the idea that he is the stereotypical "nice guy". I really cannot understand why women give up guys like that....sweet, nice and loving..wtf man... In any case, he actually called me really late at night to talk to me see how i was and ask me to go to a party with him tonight...so...Im relieved. My biggest fear was that it would be one of those one night things...eeekkk
carhill Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t168397/ Different friend?
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