alwayssme Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Hey everyone!! Grr...sorry for writing so many posts...So today I finished my finals, I think I did pretty well although it was tough to study with all this crap that has been going on, I DID IT!! and honestly i DO find myself getting stronger...simply because I know I am making it through this hard time, I feel myself a better person and more mature. i LOVE being around people and keeping myself busy. I feel much happier and it shows me that the world is revolving...still...lol. However every day I struggle with the things I never said to my ex. I talk to him in my head before going to sleep and I think that someday I will let him know EVERYTHING i never told him. I don't have the guts to call him but it is so soooo HARD not doing so. There are so many things that were left unsaid...in a way i just wish i could have a HUMAN conversation with him. But I can't. He called me a couple nights ago and I was numb. I acted like nothing was wrong. The conversation hurt me in a way because we talked as though we were strangers and i had to be so short with him. The thing is that when we had our 'talk", i did all the talking, he just said "i dont know what to tell you. I am trying to move on. Seeing you and talking to you confuses me. I am not in love with you anymore." Then he cries and tells me "I love you but i DONT WANT TO love you." That really hurt me. The way he handled our break-up was a mess and confused me so much! One minute he would be the nicest guy, crying his heart out saying "it hurts me so much to let you go, you are so important to me, im terrified of losing you." Then he would call me crying "I dont want to love you, you hurt me I dont want to be with you.I do love you and i want to stop" Then "I am not in love with you. Forget everything I said before." THENNNN it was the worst "You're great and beautiful but i dont think were meant to be. i want to move on from you. Im sorry when I see you, I kiss you and stuff happens, but i cant help myself because i still think you are beautiful and i am very attracted to u, and i dont want to confuse physical attraction with love." I was in so much pain at the time all i could do was cry. I never got to have a normal MATURE conversation with him. Whenever I would try to bring up the topic he would act so cold and say "just leave it alone. it doesnt matter. we have to move on." then i asked him if he truly has his guard up against me or if he really just didnt love me..and he got so mad he said "yes i do have my guard up against you. i dont want to talk about this anymore." Blah!! This post sounds so stupid...just needed to vent i guess...this is why i shouldnt be stuck at home...i am done school...currently trying everything to keep me busy, i need closure even if its not right now...i deserve an explanation at least...and to make things even BETTER, he told me I CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH, I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING TO YOU, YOUR ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE (while crying)...a month and a half untill he called...he said that whenever im over him in the future we will be best friends like we used to because he loves me too much to let me go...but now hes acting as though he never knew me?? im just so confused...what the hell does he feel? if he wanted to be my friend as much as he says, wouldnt he call? wouldnt he TRY?? I feel like the more time we go NC, the more the distance grows between us and the LESS he cares about me. He went from hurting over our break-up to NOT EVEN CALLING...and when he did, it was so casual and short...NC is REALLLY helping him, which i HATE HATE HATE!!! i hate how much he's moved on, i feel so stupid for being here posting this while hes out there doing who knows what... Sorry for rambling so much!!! I know i make 23473894 of threads...im so freaking confused!!!!
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