Boring boyfriend...

[polola303]

hi all! Well, I just basically need to talk to someone about this. I've been living with y boyfrind for the last 4 months (almost) we've been together for 10 months, so things went pretty fast. When we first started dating we had soooo much fun together, all the time. We would have lunc together everyday (we work together) go out at night and spend the week ends together. He's a very calm guy which I thought was great, also a bit shy which I thought was cute. Anyways since the first day we moved in together it has been nothing but me crying and he ignoring me. He avoids me more and more, we rarely ever go out, and when we do we don't have fun. I like being active, working out, being outside, whatever. He likes sitting in front of the tv, most sundays he tries to get rid of me so he can just lay there and watch tv. Sunday is really the only day we can be alone, since on weekdays we are at work and after that I go to the gym. On saturdays we spend all day at his mom's. By the way he has lunch with her basically every day from mon to fri. I'm sooo bored! this situation is really deppressing me. The to top it all off I found out he smokes pot! i didn't know, I guess I should have seen the signs, anyways we talked and he promised not to do it anymore, and he has kept his promise, still I feel cheated. How could he not tell me? Anyways, he also alays lends me his car to go to the gym and he'll take the bus and on sundays as well if he manages to make me leave. So he does have some really nice gestires, aldo he lets me flip thorugh the channels! But I just want us to do stuff together we enjoy, I want us to be happy and have fun again. How could everything just be soooo boring, how could he never want to do anything. No sex either, last time it was 15 days before we had sex, and it's just once and pretty lame as well. I've tried to find things for us to do together, but he just won't do it. I'm going crazy, I love him but I can't stand thinking this is how my life is going to be! Anyone out there got any advice? Anyway to motivate him? Anyway to regain his interest? Please let me know!

[prismfaerie]

No offense, but clearly neither of you thought this through. You moved in with someone you didn't know.

 

I've been there. My first relationship, we moved in with each other the month we got together! Yeah, it was more or less a total disaster.

 

Living with a person is a completely different ball game. You see the other person warts and all and, you see them AT HOME, and really, it takes a LOT of compatibility to live together in-sync. Love and infatuation alone won't do it, you need real personality and lifestyle compatiblity. Clearly, you two moved in together on an infatuation basis. And look, infatuation feels GREAT, but it's a poor basis for serious decisions that are going to alter your life, like...taking that giant step into cohabitation. It doesn't suprise me in the least that your boyfriend "changed" once you moved in together. Once that infatuation fades you settle in to your regular routines and, oops! Looks like he likes to sit around all day Sunday and you don't!

 

Look I empathize with you, I really do, because I've been there. I think it's time for a pow-wow, a time for you two to assess what you want out of this relationship and where you see it going. And if your boyfriend doesn't care enough to sit at the table to work this out, why should you care enough to live together? Don't waste any precious time because that's one thing that you can never ever get back.

[Jims555]

what you two need is time apart.

 

you work together, you live together, you go saturday to his mom's together and then expect to hang out together sunday? ouch. the only escape you two have from each other is the bathroom (i hope).

 

get a girls night out once a week. wenesday or thursday would be good. something where you leave the house for the night every week.

 

getting away from each other will make the time you spend together better.

 

imagine those animals at the zoo the circle their cages, thats what you two are doing in your heads.

 

 

I think you two might be doomed unless you take some drastic action. i think it would benefit you two to move apart for a while. this conversation will be tough, but if you decide to go through with it try something along the lines of "we might not be ready to live together just yet, but i still want to continue dating you".

 

good luck

[carhill]

If they're compatible, time apart will enrichen their time together. If not, they'll just drift away from each other.

 

IMO, drug use is a non-negotiable. If the OP has that boundary (is not a drug user and doesn't condone it), I'd assert that boundary hard and fast. OP, if you're not seeing marked changes in his everyday behavior, he's still using, no matter what he says. Drugs affect behavior.

 

The other boundary is sexual intimacy. Sounds like you and he have different perspectives there. Better work that out now. Drug use can/will affect sexual desire/performance. Be watchful.

[Haner]

Maybe you bore him too.

[polola303]

Thanks for your input! Things have been much better for the last 4 days, it's not much but for us it's huuge. I do try to do more things separately, I go to the gym on mornings and most evenings and on week-ends I take some kick boxing lessons and stuff. But this sunday instead of nagging I had lunch with my grandma. It was nice, and he said he missed me and he actually wanted to do stuff with me. I used to go out with friends once a week before, but since I found out about the pot I have been scared to leave him alone for very long periods of time. I believe he has quit not because he says so, but because I notice, How hes more alert, more awake and a bit more active. He's just not an active person. I'm a very active and nervous person so we clash big time, but now that I'm understanding we don't have to do EVERYTHING together we are getting along a whole lot better. He's been very nice these days. The better we get along, the more sex he'll initiate, the less sex we have the more stressed I get and that's why we don't get along, I need sex to feel close, he has to feel close to want sex.

[carhill]

The better we get along, the more sex he'll initiate, the less sex we have the more stressed I get and that's why we don't get along, I need sex to feel close, he has to feel close to want sex

 

I'll ask you the question a million women ask their men.....why do you have to have sex with someone to feel "close" to them, specifically deriving emotional intimacy from a comparatively brief physical activity? Why wouldn't you see the sex as an expression, one of many expressions, of the attraction and love for him, with that attraction and love remaining constant, not predicated upon sex?

 

I'm not attempting to judge, rather to examine your perspective. Your dynamic sounds very familiar

[polola303]

crahill, I think you pretty much asked me what I was trying to say, it's not really that I need sex to feel close to him, but as you put it to express my love for him, I want HIM because I love HIM, I don't get turned on by just anyone, seriously I'm not interested in meaningless sex, but I am interested with having sex wih the person I love and that loves me. That's why it's so hurtful to see him so uninterested, because sex is so much more than just a physical need. Makes sense?

[carhill]

I went back and read your OP again....my question was actually off-topic so I'll refocus

 

My instinct is your BF has returned to his natural set-point. My own psychology about this dynamic is I prefer to stay home and do stuff here and not socialize much, but, once I get out there, I have a great time. It's just finding that impetus to get me pushed out the door. I find this to be a very marked feature of my personality now; it's very clear to me when it's happening and I can see it clearly in my mind. It's kinda like you know you want to get out of the chair but can't summon the will to contract the necessary muscles.

 

I've found this same dynamic to exist wrt sex with my wife. Our situation is different, in that we're working through marital issues, but the dynamic may be similar in function. I derive sexual attraction from emotional intimacy; IOW, the closer I feel to a woman outside of the bedroom, the more passionate I am within it. I sense (and have for some time) distance from my wife so don't feel close to her so don't feel attracted to her. We found out in MC that she distances herself almost unconsciously; she doesn't (apparently) notice the signals she's sending out. It's almost like she doesn't know how to be emotionally close in the way that I need, even if I explain it (and I have, many times).

 

Can your BF be open and clear about his feelings with you? Can he explain how he processes emotion and sexual/emotional attraction? Perhaps you can discover your answer within those discussions.

 

Lastly, and I won't say your BF can't "change", fundamental change in basic personality characteristics is very difficult. As an example, I can change my "loner" behaviors to more sociable and outgoing ones, but I still feel that underlying desire to be "alone". It's a choice I make to make our marriage healthier. Can your BF do something similar? I don't know.

[polola303]

Hey Carhill again you seem to have hit the spot! You are describing pretty much my life... he started distancing himself form me sexually once we started having problems, to me the problems stem form the fact that we don't have sex, but I know we won't have sex unless we're ok so it's a vicious cycle, anyways I'll keep o being a good girl and maybe I'll get lucky, by being good I meannot getting angry at everything and loosing my temper, these days (only 5 so far but it's a change) I have kept my smile on my face, I've been nice, not demanding at all, and he has been very nice to me as well, so far so good. Just need to figure out a way so he'll be a bit more motivated to do stuff, he won't explain himself, he's not a very expressive/talkative person, he pretty much keeps to himself so he's kind of a mystery. It's hard trying to figure him out, so I have to start by changing me first, by getting back to being the way I was before we started having all theses problems... then maybe the sex will come and with that maybe some enthusiasm!

[polola303]

also, I'm not trying to change him, I know people don't change but the truth is when I met him he was fun, we did stuff, we kissed, we had such a good time together, he always wnated to be with me and now he changed, all I want is the man I fell in love with not the man I fell in rut with.

[carhill]

No worries. I find a simple truth and that is I can't control anyone else but myself. I can control how I behave and how I react to other's behavior, but have no control over them whatsoever. Can you see elements of this in your R?

 

Communication- very important. Would you feel better if he were more "transparent"? If he communicated clearly how he felt? Beware of the ramifications of your answer. I think communication is a good thing, but, with all good things, there are not so good things which attend. Are you up to some honest communication about your issues? I hope so

 

As to how to get him to "talk", I have no firm answer. I know, for myself, when I began to feel my wife's distance and her not "believing" in me, I said, nearly aloud, "why bother?". Once that dynamic started, it was like that "couldn't summon the will" issue I posted about prior. It became almost like a mental block. MC has helped with it but I still fight the initiative battle and that feeling of "why bother?".

 

Hope it works out for you. If you're truly compatible, it should, if both of you are willing to make the effort

[polola303]

Yup, I get it, people don't change nor should we want them to change. The only thing I can do is excatly what you said, change the way I respond and behave towards him. I know I don't act like the person he fell in love with and I'm pretty sure he's in the "why bother" mindstate, he just has no motivation whatsoever in any aspect of his life, I find it really sad, I just feel life is too short to just sit around cause you're scared or whatever reason. But he is who he is and all I can do is support and love him. Easier said than done, but I'm so optimistic these days because I have seen his positive reaction to my actions that if I can keep it up I think things will work themselves out. On my part I have regained the trust I had lost in him after I found out about the weed smoking, he made a promise and as far as I can tell he has kept it, so now it's my turn to regain his confidence in my by controlling my temper. Thank you so much carhill I really appreciate your input and interest.

[carhill]

One last bit of advice borne of experience....take each day as unique. Each day brings new possibilities and new opportunities. I learned this technique and perspective mostly while caring for my demented mother, but found it applies really well to relationships too.

 

Good luck!

[polola303]

I think he's back to hiding something, when he left this morning he took too long to start the car, and when i looked out the window he seemed to be gettting something off his fingertips, i freaked and called him because i needed to get something from his car, which i did, but it was mainly cause i wanted to smell him, everything smelled just like cigarrettes but he did have a lot of tobacco on his lap, that's odd, it's not like tobacco just falls out of the cigarretet just like that. It's not the first time he takes too long starting the car, only the first time i actually get up. do you have any advice? I might be just freaking out right? I hate the fact that we don't have a regular relationship with communication and trust, if we don't have that then what's the point right?

[Heroic]

Run away quickly and don't look back.