Ex is considering a 2nd chance

[chris250]

Well I dated a girl for 4 years. We broke up in January of 2007. Since then I've been playing the whole NC/LC games. She broke up with me because I wasn't ready to commit to marriage. She felt the relationship was going nowhere. I never wanted sex and she did.

 

She also complained that we didn't spend enough time together and that I spent more time with my friends than with her.

 

So fastforward to 2 nights ago when we finally had our first meeting since the breakup. She asked to meet up and I told her I would meet her halfway at a restaraunt. We did. She told me that it hurt her to break up with me that night.

 

She also said that it's been hard for her to move on and find someone else because she doesn't think she'll feel that strongly about anyone else like she did with me.

 

I told her that I am thankful for the 4 years that we shared together. I did not tell her anything about how hurt and heartbroken I was. I didn't tell her I missed her or anything like that. She will never know that I stayed in my house for the 1st 2 months during the breakup.

 

She talked about all the good times we had and she said that she would give me another chance if I wanted to. I told her that I still stand by my word when I said that I'm not ready to get married and that I'm not so sure when I will be ready.

 

I also asked her "what makes you so sure I'm the one for you anyway? The right guy will come in time." Her answer was that we had a strong chemistry together and strong emotional connection. She misses everything we did together such as going to parks, picnics, watching movies, taking vacations together, etc.

 

She thanked me for all the times I helped her parents out when they were struggling to make ends meet. She and her whole family lives out in the country and her father is on disability because of a leg and back injury.

 

I got along great with her parents by the way. They both considered me their future son in law. Her dad passed away in November of 2006. So she told me she was under so much stress from dealing with the sudden death of her father and other issues in her family and then she questioned where our relationship was going and why I was not ready to get married.

 

 

I suspect that her family put pressure on her to get married and they probably questioned what my intentions were with her because I had not proposed. So she now says she's willing to give me whatever time I need to be ready for marriage and that she's not going to bug me about it. She wants to go back and enjoy the way things were.

 

So this breakup is hard for both of us because we have so much in common except for the sexual compatibility and the fact that she wants to get married someday. I'm 28 and she's 30 going on 31 in January. We were a big part of each other's lives for 4 years and I hope that she and I can remain good friends for life.

 

I've been in a limbo state since the breakup. I can't go back to her because I'm afraid to risk getting my heart broken again. I can't move on and find a new girl to date because I'm still not over my ex. How long will I be in this limbo state? I have no idea.

 

Right now I have 3 potential options of dating prospects to choose from but I'm afraid to make a move and choose any of them. I have 3 potential dating paths to choose but to play it safe and stay in my comfort zone I'm not going to choose any of them.

 

After coming out of a 4 year relationship and suffering so much heartache I'm not ready to risk getting my heart broken again by my ex or anyone else for that matter. I hate rejection and I would not wish the pain of rejection on my worst enemy. I don't want other people to experience pain in their chest over a breakup like I have.

 

I've had 3 relationships prior to my ex. Those breakups didn't hurt much at all even though I got dumped. I got over those relationships in 2 months tops. Those other 3 relationships lasted 1 year, another 14 months, another 1 year & 10 months.

 

So I don't know what to do. Safe to say I'm not going to make a move now. I do want to remain friends with my ex and stay in LC once every 2 months or so.

[samspade]

So this breakup is hard for both of us because we have so much in common except for the sexual compatibility and the fact that she wants to get married someday.

 

Those are two HUGE roadblocks, and should give you your answer. To say nothing of the fact that you're still working through heartache, she dumped you, etc., etc. At 31, her clock is probably ticking.

 

If you date her and she is hoping you will propose someday, she'll be disappointed and you'll feel boxed in. If you two aren't sexually compatible, what fun is that? Yeah, you can "work" on that, but the best relationships require the least amount of work. I think you owe it to yourself to date someone not pressuring you to marry, and someone who floats your boat in the sack.

[chris250]

Well I'm glad I didn't take her up on the offer as tempting as it was at first. I basically told her it would not be a good idea to start things again.

 

I'm hoping that she and I will continue to be friends since she was an important part of my life for 4 years. That's almost half a decade! I want to remain in LC with her as a friend.

 

This LC would mean I answer her once every couple of months and talk for 5 minutes. As long as the quality of our contacts is on good terms then it's ok that it's short. She has contacted me at least once a month since the breakup 2 years ago but I don't always answer.

 

Anyway I think this breakup was the best thing that could have happened for both of us. Even if it wasn't it could have been much worse.

 

I'm just thankful that if this breakup had to happen that it happened BEFORE we got married and had a kid together. It would have been much worse of a hell if she wanted a divorce later. I would be dealing with not only the emotional hardship of the divorce but also financial hardship of paying her alimony while someone else raises our kid.

 

So the fact that a divorce is much worse than a breakup is all the more reason for me to be thankful that this relationship ended before I married her and before I got her pregnant.

 

At least with this breakup I had no financial ties or obligations to her. I didn't get her pregnant. I didn't marry her. I didn't even live with her.

 

So all I had to deal with was the emotional hardship that comes with any breakup from a LTR. All a broken heart needs is time. I'll take that anytime over setting foot in divorce court.

 

I came out of this relationship a free man. As far as I'm concerned if you don't have any legal financial obligations to a woman then you are a free man. A breakup is painful enough but even worse to breakup and be in financial bondage to a woman for at least another 20 years.

[samspade]

I hate rejection and I would not wish the pain of rejection on my worst enemy.

This is the root of your problem. You should learn not only to accept rejection, but to embrace it. It can be a beautiful thing. Rejection is better than regret.

 

I recommend you start exploring those other dating options you mentioned.

 

As far as I'm concerned if you don't have any legal financial obligations to a woman then you are a free man. A breakup is painful enough but even worse to breakup and be in financial bondage to a woman for at least another 20 years.

You got that right. Embrace your freedom as well. And cherish it.

[chris250]

I intend to keep it that way. Abstinence from sex is the way. I don't even want to give a woman an open door to trap me with child support payments for 20 + years.