amaysngrace Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I don't care. I really just don't care. He had all my caring and he doesn't even care about himself. I wanted him to be in my life. He couldn't even stay sober until I got there. His excuse was "I work all week". His other one was "You were late". WTF? I don't care if I got there at 1 am. He should have stayed sober. He promised. I told him "excuses are for losers" so he thinks I called him a loser now. He says I mattered but I think he's a liar. Nothing matters to him but drinking. Nothing even comes close to mattering as much as drinking. He had a blank palette to paint a picture on. He could have been so much to all of us. His life could have had more meaning. He could have had another purpose. The night before my civil service test he had me on the phone speaking about how he was going to quit drinking. Until 1 am he spoke to me about quitting drinking. I had to be up at 5 am for my kids. That's four hours sleep. My test was at 6 pm and I had a three hour car ride. He says he admires that I get out of the hole I'm in but I think he prefers I stay in the hole with him. I see that now. I told him we are nothing. We never were anything more than nothing. I was probably hard. I know I was cold. But currently I'd rather him hurt than me hurt anymore. I don't want to ever give him the chance to make me feel second to drinking. I hate the way it feels to be second to a substance. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, that I was second, but really is there any other way to feel? It hurts me to know I hurt him. But I think I had to hurt him in order to help him. Maybe he'll get help. Maybe he won't. At least I've helped myself, right? I am done hoping for him. I am done wishing for him. I am done thinking it will ever be more than exactly how it was. I had hope for us. Sometimes it felt so right being next to him. Speaking with him was so easy. He understood me. He is not a bad guy. He has a problem. And I can't help him solve his problem. If I care about him it becomes my problem. Too often too many times it has become my problem. I don't need another problem. I really don't. I just wish I didn't love him. That'd be so much easier for me.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 He is a Narcissist. You have no power to cure him. The end.
Author amaysngrace Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 He is a Narcissist. Actually he's a manic depressant with OCD and alcoholism. You have no power to cure him. The end. These last two I agree with though.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 OCD? Can you go more into depth? But absolutely yes you must withdraw yourself from this. There are times you can save someone. But the majority of the time, people must save themselves. This is one of those circumstances. He has to save himself. He is [selfishly] dragging you through it.
Trialbyfire Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Whoah! I don't think you can apply the same standards to an alcoholic, as you apply to someone who's got full control of his facilities. This isn't about amaysn. This is about his lifelong love affair with alcohol. She will never come first and it's to be expected, unless he's determined to get onto the wagon. Even then, at first he'll fall off over and over again. If he's determined enough and one of the lucky ones, he might stay on the wagon for a decade or two.
Author amaysngrace Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 OCD? Can you go more into depth? Like what? How he is late for work because he checks the iron five times knowing full well he never even ironed? Or makes sure that the night light is out? He checks that five times too. Although it may not be five times, he doesn't like that number, it may be ten. Or how he thinks that us breaking up is caused by something he did to someone on Tuesday, maybe shook their hand, and didn't think to sanitize so he used his pen and then touched his pen and then wiped his mouth so now he ate the guy's karma? Stuff like that??
Author amaysngrace Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 This isn't about amaysn. This is about his lifelong love affair with alcohol. She will never come first and it's to be expected, unless he's determined to get onto the wagon. TBF I had to do this right? It's the right thing to do isn't it? It feels mean and it makes me sad to not help him, hear him or be there for him but it was hurting me when I knew how little I meant to him. How little my happiness meant to him. How the only thing that truly mattered was alcohol. In a really big way. I think I'm something special. I think I have a big heart. I give and I care and am too nice too often and it's killing me inside right now to be so mean. But I had to right? I keep thinking if I was stronger I could handle it. His drinking and my needs being brushed aside. Does this make me weak or does this make me strong? My mom says I'm compassionate. He did too.
Trialbyfire Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 TBF I had to do this right? It's the right thing to do isn't it? It feels mean and it makes me sad to not help him, hear him or be there for him but it was hurting me when I knew how little I meant to him. How little my happiness meant to him. How the only thing that truly mattered was alcohol. In a really big way. I think I'm something special. I think I have a big heart. I give and I care and am too nice too often and it's killing me inside right now to be so mean. But I had to right? I keep thinking if I was stronger I could handle it. His drinking and my needs being brushed aside. Does this make me weak or does this make me strong? My mom says I'm compassionate. He did too. You have to do what's right for you AND your kids. He's in no shape to think about you and for that matter, what kind of relationship would it be, to live a life of recrimination? Do yourself a favour. Realize this isn't about you competing against alcohol. You can't win because it's got nothing to do with you. It's not that he doesn't care about you. He doesn't care about himself nvm you. He cares about the next drink. There's no room for anyone else.
Author amaysngrace Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 He doesn't care about himself nvm you. He cares about the next drink. There's no room for anyone else. Thank you. I know you are probably right but I am having a difficult time trying to make it make sense. None of it does now. I have a headache from crying and I just can't stop crying.
Trialbyfire Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Thank you. I know you are probably right but I am having a difficult time trying to make it make sense. None of it does now. I have a headache from crying and I just can't stop crying. ((hugs)) There's no sense in this. It just is. I've got a cousin and the husband of a close friend, who both battle with alcohol. It really is one second, minute and day at a time. This is about them, not their SOs. Believe it.
sb129 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Amaysn- sorry to hear about this. It must be mentally and physically exhausting for you. I don't think any of it will make sense to you as long as he is drinking, and you have no control over his drinking, so you need to give yourself a break. Clearly you did everything you could do, and the situation is now how it is because of his inability to get out of the hole, NOT because of you. Sorry if this has been suggested before, but have you checked out the Al-anon website resources for families of drinkers? Look after yourself. Get some sleep, eat well. Cry if you need to. Focus on yourself and keeping yourself out of that hole- because thats within your power. Anything else is beyond that and its not your fault. ((hugs))
Author amaysngrace Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 ((hugs)) There's no sense in this. It just is. I've got a cousin and the husband of a close friend, who both battle with alcohol. It really is one second, minute and day at a time. This is about them, not their SOs. Believe it. Thank you. He tells me that too, that's it's about him. It was way before I met him. But he is angry with me for saying how I feel. I told him how I felt about everything and he said it was "taxing" and he "needed a drink". Nice, huh? So yeah I do take it personally. Look after yourself. Get some sleep, eat well. Cry if you need to. Focus on yourself and keeping yourself out of that hole- because thats within your power. Anything else is beyond that and its not your fault. ((hugs)) Thank you. I will take your advice and go take care of myself. I think I need an aspirin. That and a tissue. Or two.
sb129 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 He would probably say that to anyone who was trying to get in the way of his next drink, so its not 100% personal. To him, unless your feelings encourage him to drink, then they ARE second to everything else. There must be other people around who care about you and your feelings enough to listen to you and care for you. (we do here, but its not the same). I prescribe a nice hot chocolate, a hot bath and an early night or some trashy TV.
Kamille Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 ((Amaysngrace)) I have chills going up and down my spine... My alcoolic ex was also diagnozed with OCD, even though he controlled both nicely enough. It made having a space in his life nearly impossible. I'm glad I'm no longer fighting that battle, even as I still miss him; sometimes miss him so much it's all I can do not to call him. But then it doesn't take long for me to remember how bleak it all was. How exhausting, how draining. I'm better now, slowly slowly slowly getting better. I know how confusing it must feel. When we broke up, I regretted that I hadn't been more understanding about his alcoolism. But then I think, but what about me? Why should a substance come before me? Why should a substance give anyone an excuse to not live up to their partner's love? hugs again Amaysngrace.
Trialbyfire Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Kamille, you didn't need to be more understanding about his alcoholism. The last thing you want to do is to enable an alcoholic. He made his choice and his glass is close by. It's not within your control.
Author amaysngrace Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 There must be other people around who care about you and your feelings enough to listen to you and care for you. (we do here, but its not the same). I may call my mom tomorrow if I'm not feeling better. The thing is everyone warned me about this. Everyone said "don't" yet I still "did". I do things the hard way. Every single time I do it the hard way. Perhaps that's why I don't work. Life is hard enough. I'm better now, slowly slowly slowly getting better. I know how confusing it must feel. When we broke up, I regretted that I hadn't been more understanding about his alcoolism. But then I think, but what about me? Why should a substance come before me? Why should a substance give anyone an excuse to not live up to their partner's love? hugs again Amaysngrace. Thanks Kamille. I'm glad you're getting better. It isn't right. To keep giving while they keep taking just isn't fair. And then when you try to make them understand they never could. All my ex thinks about is himself. How he is affected by alcohol. Screw me and my feelings. He's the one with the problem. Why should I have a problem when it's his problem? "It's none of your business" he would say sometimes. I hated when he'd say that. Hugs back to you. I may be calling for you in times of trouble. Kamille, you didn't need to be more understanding about his alcoholism. The last thing you want to do is to enable an alcoholic. He made his choice and his glass is close by. It's not within your control. Exactly. But I understand what Kamille means. You do feel responsible even though you aren't. You do feel as though it is a personal failure even if it is not your own. You wish you could do more even though you can't. Still if I knew then what I know now I'd still be with him for these past few years. He was worth getting to know. And we did have fun. We had our moments of goodness. But next time I will avoid the desire to get behind the wheel of a 'vette while driving it straight into a brick wall doing 150 mph. Sure the 'vette at 150 is thrilling but it's that brick wall that trips you up.
burning 4 revenge Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I dont understand why you want him to stop drinking. Life is dull enough as it is
Author amaysngrace Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 I dont understand why you want him to stop drinking. Life is dull enough as it is Are you trying to provoke me?
burning 4 revenge Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Are you trying to provoke me? Life would take on a very dark aspect if I knew I didnt have recourse to a few beers here and there
Author amaysngrace Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 Life would take on a very dark aspect if I knew I didnt have recourse to a few beers here and there Hey aren't you the one who told me to give this cat a chance back when? Yeah...I think you were. Gee thanks.
Angel1111 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I have a lot of sympathy for people with these kinds of serious problems but, really, I have no desire to get involved with them on any level. Sorry, that's just the way I feel about it. They will destroy your life, day by day, year by year. It's not worth it. I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm afraid that if you're feeling this way, you're going to go back to him. Please, let yourself heal from this and then find a normal guy to be with. You don't need this insanity in your life.
JamesM Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Well, in all of my almost 45 years, I have never tasted a beer or even desired to drink beer. Yes, I have drank some wine or a little brandy, but never beer. The reason why is because of what it has caused to so many families. The misuse of beer has ruined so many families and lives that to me, simply drinking it is in a sense supporting the industry that encourages anything that sells more beer. My life is much brighter for not having beer. AG, I feel for you. I have seen the effects of alcohol on families, and it is not easy for the ones who must deal with the selfishness of the one who prioritizes alcohol over everything else. What you did may actually be the best thing for him. And if it is not, it may be what you and your kids need. Continuing status quo with an alcoholic is not an option.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 lmao @ burning 4 revenge. That must be your ex, amaysn... In all reality though, as someone who's been specializing in psychology for over 7 years, I am telling you there is no hope for your ex. Cut him off like an infected finger. The harder you try to hold onto hope/want to help him/save him, the harder you will fall head first and smash your face.
Angel1111 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Life would take on a very dark aspect if I knew I didnt have recourse to a few beers here and there She's not talking about someone who has just a 'few beers'. She's talking about someone who's controlled by alcoholism, among other things.
JamesM Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 l In all reality though, as someone who's been specializing in psychology for over 7 years, I am telling you there is no hope for your ex. I do not go this far. I have seen alcoholics recover and rebuild their lives. Unfortunately, it had to be done after they reached the bottom...which included losing their family. I never say any situation is hopeless. All humans have the capability to change...if they so desire. As long as there is life, there is hope. However, this is different than saying AG should wait for the change. She must decide what is best for her at this time and certainly not what may be.
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