Dealing With The End of a 4 Year Relationship - I Want Her Back

[heartbroken55]

I kind of started talking about this in MiaMia's thread, but I don't want to clutter up her thread with my issues, so I'm starting my own to get some advice. I love this forum so far. As soon as I wrote all this stuff out, I felt 10 times better almost instantly.

 

Warning long post as I will try not to leave out any details. Here goes...

 

I'm having a really hard time dealing with the end of a 4 year relationship. My fiance and I have been living together for about a year and engaged for about the same time. We were a really close couple and people have called us the perfect couple on more than one occasion. She wrote me many emails and sent me many cards saying how I'm so wonderful and how much she loves me. This was throughout our relationship, not just in the beginning. Even very recently she wrote me a card saying she's looking forward to many more years together and how much she loved me. Naturally, I thought everything was perfect, then she left me.

 

A week before she left, we got into a little argument. I won't get into the details because I don't think it's significant, but I basically told her a bowl she bought for my puppy was ugly and I have no idea what she was thinking. Then I get the silent treatment the rest of the week and she slept on the edge of her side of the bed facing away from me. She usually says "I love you" before I leave for work, but this week she didn't. I knew something was definitely wrong.

 

A few days later while she was using the computer and I was half asleep I asked her, "What's wrong? Why are you being so passive?"

She said, "What's passive mean?"

I replied, "Google it." I thought it would be easier since she's already using the computer and I'm half asleep and don't feel like defining what it means to be Passive Aggressive.

 

The next morning, I text her from my work asking her if she still loves me, she replies that she needs some time to think and will be moving back with her parents. Then I said something pretty stupid because I was angry and I told her, "If you're going to break up, just break up. Don't leave me hanging." She then replies that she's not sure yet she will let me know...

 

When I got home that day I found a note saying, "Thank you for giving me time. Talk to you soon. Love, ***"

 

At this point I thought ok, maybe she just needs a couple days to think about something, she'll be back.

 

After about a week she sent me a really long letter explaining how she felt, why she left and why she thinks we should go our separate ways. She basically mentions the bowl incident and how I told her to Google "Passive Aggressive" instead of explaining it to her. She also says that she doesn't talk to me because I would just tell her that she's wrong or say something to make her feel worse. She blamed herself for letting me treat her that way and not saying anything. She ends it by saying that true love never dies, if we're meant to be together we will be reunited.

 

I was devastated. I could not go to work for the next several days. I never felt so depressed and worthless in my life. I never cried during our relationship, I had no reason to, but I found myself crying my eyes out.

 

I really started to think about how I treated her and how she deserved better. Looking back, when she was there with me, I took advantage of how nice she was. I would say whatever I wanted and did whatever I wanted because I knew that she would let me. Now that she left me for it, I feel like a total idiot and just want to pamper her and make her feel like a princess. How dumb of me to treat her so poorly. What was I thinking!

 

I wrote her back, while in tears I might add, basically saying, how much I miss her and love her and I realize now how I can be difficult to deal with and how I will do everything I can to make her happy and make things work between us. I never meant to hurt her feelings. I ordered flowers and had it sent to her work.

 

She replied the next day, Thank you for the letter and the flowers, I think right now is not the time to resume or lives together, I feel I need to be alone, I know we have a lot of things to take care of I'll do my best to make it smooth. "I've always believed that whatever happens, and if we're meant to be, then someday, somewhere, we will be reunited again. Thank you so much, for all of the great memories, the butterflies you gave me, our first kiss, our anniversaries, and being a part of my life. Please don't forget I still love you and care about you, and hope you respect my wishes."

 

When I finally convinced her to talk to me in person she was so cold and apathetic, like the 4 years we spent loving each other meant nothing to her. No matter what I said and how many times I apologized, she did not budge. I kept asking her to give me a chance. She kept saying right now, she doesn't think so. I asked her if she still loved me, she said right now she doesn't think so, that she's not in love with me anymore... Then I asked her why she kept saying, "Right now." She replies, "Because I can't predict the future." Fair enough, I thought.

 

So one day she took all her stuff while I was at work. That really hit me hard when I saw a virtually empty room when I got home. I started crying again and wrote her a long letter referencing all the times she said how wonderful I was. I wanted to try to make her remember how much she loved me since she said she doesn't love me anymore. It was pretty easy to find all her emails with Gmail. I also quoted all the cards she gave me. After referencing all that, I pretty much said, that is the girl I remember, sweet, kind, and loving, the girl I saw the other day is not the same one I fell in love with. Please give her back. I'll do anything to get that girl back. I told her I'll never give up. Probably lame... but that's how I felt.

 

Everyone tells me I should give up on her and that there are plenty of other girls out there, but they don't know how much she means to me. It shouldn't end like this. I can't believe how cold she is being. She is the most loving person I've ever known. She was like a totally different person even all her friends say the same thing...

 

I think I made many mistakes trying to handle this breakup... Please be super honest with me. I can take it. So what should I do... I really want things to be the way they were. I really really want her back. Thanks in advance.

[DSM-IV Tom]

I don't usually empathize with people but we are going through the same situation somewhat. Yours is a bit more indepth though, so my apologies for the pain you must be feeling.

 

Yep you made mistakes by saying anything and everything just because you felt like it. But I did too. I think we all do. That's most likely not what ultimately caused the relationship to fall apart. Focusing on things like that will give you a shallow answer. It was what was behind the words that really caused the break up.

 

What kind of puppy do you have btw? I love shelties.

 

Ok back on topic.

 

Anything and everything you do and say right now will only look like a quick attempt at getting her back. You can't change so quickly, and she knows that. We all know that. You can't change overnight or in a week. It takes a while. So keep in mind everything you say and do whether it be poems, letters, flowers, etc... will just look like a ploy to win her back. It won't look like you actually mean any of it.

 

You are unfortunately out of luck for a while. Just like I am. It's okay though.

 

You have to say this:

 

"I love you to death and I made mistakes. I realize them now and I am working on myself and changing. Contact me when you're ready to give me a chance."

 

Then cut off contact 100%.

 

And by 100% I mean 100%.

 

Delete all the old emails, pics, erase the myspace, facebook (if you have those), etc. You need to erase all memories.

 

You cannot break the NC rule. You have to stay strong and stay loyal to NC.

 

She will come back to you when and if she is ready. You have no power now. Understand? You are completely powerless now. So tell her what I mentioned above, and cut off all contact. It's your only chance. But truly, truly work on yourself.

 

I know I am.

[heartbroken55]

DSM-IV Tom, thank you for the advice. She took the puppy too so the puppy I had was a Welsh Corgi. Cutest dog ever. It sucks because I spent a lot of time training him and he is very well trained and does many tricks and stuff. Anyways...

 

After trying to search for answers to what I should do, I've heard this NC rule more than once now... So it sounds like it's what I should do. The problem I have now is that we still have a few things to take care of like the car we bought together and the lease on the apartment. Also she has a couple rings I gave her worth over $5k. I also bought her a few Christmas presents before this whole mess that I would like to give her because I know her face will light up. We planned on having a Christmas party and all our mutual friends are coming.

 

So I'm in a bit of a pickle. Should I start the NC now or after Christmas and taking care of all the legal stuff...?

 

Should I tell her:

 

"I love you to death and I made mistakes. I realize them now and I am working on myself and changing. Contact me when you're ready to give me a chance."

 

and add that I know we have several things to take care of I'll do my best to make things as smooth as possible?

 

Thanks in advance.

[DSM-IV Tom]

That's a good question.

 

Honestly, there is no simple answer when it comes to such details.

 

You should tell her you will make things go as smoothly as possible regarding the legalities.

 

But you shouldn't dare speak of the "future" or anything of the like while you're with her/discussing those things with her. Don't mention the past or anything. Stay straight to business like Donald Trump. Seriously, don't think twice about mentioning any lovey dovey stuff/memories etc.

 

Stick to business.

 

And get the damn dog back. Lol

 

But yeah, once you take care of that, then tell her what I mentioned. And enforce NC.

 

She won't want you back if she subconsciously feels that you are going to keep crawling back.

 

The more independent/strong you seem, the more she will pull. Girls always want what they don't have. That's how it works unfortunately. (And that truly is unfortunate).

 

Stay strong, enforce NC once you get out of the way the stuff you need to get out of the way.

 

She needs to see you can operate on your own because it's possible she feels like you've grown too attached to her, and that she has to carry your happiness on her shoulders. She needs to see you can and will operate independently.

 

And you yourself need to find out how to. That's the only chance you have. When my ex broke up with me I was devastated. Seriously, I'd link the blog if I could. I wrote in it every day about how painful it truly was..

 

But here I am 5 weeks later and although of COURSE I still love her deeply, I am able to operate on my own. This in turn has been noticed by her, and it's her who keeps contacting ME. She holds strong to no relationship right now though so I hold strong to not speaking to her..

 

You have to do the same, you know? She won't take you back when you beg. It will all look false and like an act to her, no matter what you do and how deep. She has to come back to you in order to see your changes.

 

Just make sure you do change.

 

You must learn to be independent and operate normally. This is your only hope.

[heartbroken55]

Wow thank you for your wise words.

 

I definitely feel your pain. I think this is by far the most difficult thing I've had to deal with thus far in my life.

 

Even though I know what you're telling me is true and is the right thing to do, it is so difficult because it seems so counter-intuitive. Even though I'm so sincere and honest when I'm begging her to come back I can see that it is probably only making things worse and she may take it as an act.

 

I think you're right about her thinking that I've grown too attached to her because she works a lot and I made a comment once that she doesn't make any time for me and she took that as if I'm not supporting her career move.

 

One minute you're in love with someone and the next minute they act as if you don't exist. It's a totally blowing my mind...

[DSM-IV Tom]

Man, you want wise words I'll give you wise words.

 

Girls are crazy.

 

LOL!!!

 

Not all girls. But most.

 

Not that guys are better, though. Both genders have their mental flaws.

 

But as counter-intuitive as it seems, it's really your only option. No matter what. And the fact that you feel deep down that it's not wise to beg right now, almost cancels out the ability for this to be counter-intuitive in the first place. You know deep down I'm right. Your mind is what's playing tricks right now. Or is it your heart?

 

One way or the other you will get NOTHING by begging/buying stuff. I learned this the hard way. I lost a girl who was deeply in love with me, and I couldn't even win her back by begging. So a girl who is acting apathetic and indecisive, truly has no chance of responding to begs. Someone of that type will most likely respond to seeing your independence.

 

She will take notice of you not being around. She needs to detox her mind of the possible suffocation/smothering. Once she does that and can see clearly instead of through emotion, then she will notice your absence.

[heartbroken55]

Yeah she definitely does not seem herself as if she's forcing herself to be this way. Thanks again.

[BikerBeagle]

After trying to search for answers to what I should do, I've heard this NC rule more than once now... So it sounds like it's what I should do. The problem I have now is that we still have a few things to take care of like the car we bought together and the lease on the apartment. Also she has a couple rings I gave her worth over $5k. I also bought her a few Christmas presents before this whole mess that I would like to give her because I know her face will light up. We planned on having a Christmas party and all our mutual friends are coming.

Who actually HAS the car right now? Whoever does should be the one paying for it ...and, if the one who has it can't pay for it, the car should be given back to the one who can. It's ok for it to remain in both of your names, for the time being, provided the payments are being made in full and on time, otherwise you are playing with the other person's credit report. It's just a lease contract. At this point in time, this is probably not something you want to draw the proverbial line in the sand on - or use as a means to keep in contact with her either.

 

Same with the lease on the apartment. Obviously, you are living there now, so you need to make the rent ...if you can't, you have a problem.

 

The rings were gifts and, legally or otherwise, don't have to be returned. I suppose you could ask her to, and she might ...but do you really want to risk it at this point? It won't help your situation. Frankly, I'd write them off as losses even if she doesn't ultimately decide to come back.

 

Now, this is where it gets sticky ...Christmas presents. If you truly bought them before the break up, I'd personally ask her if she wants them ...from "Santa" (she knows who they are from, but it shows that you aren't attempting to use them as a tool to get back with her) ...and not "because her face would light up". If she accepts them, great ...if not, try to return them or regift them to someone else.

 

The Christmas party is probably out of the question, but I suppose you could ask her about it. It won't really indicate anything if she agrees, though, it just means you'll have to 'fake' it for an evening and probably be worse off than you were before.

[heartbroken55]

BikerBeagle thank you for the advice.

 

I have the car. The agreement was that she make the down-payment (amount not important) and I'll make the monthly payments since she was going to drive this car as well to keep mileage on the car she leased low. Anyways I make the payments on time and I can afford to give her the down-payment back, the thing is the car is under her name because she wanted to work on her credit.

 

Now for the rings, at first I told her to keep it when we talked on the phone. The next day I was like, man those rings were expensive so I asked for them back in a text message. She didn't respond though.

 

Her name is on the lease but we're on month to month anyways... and I have no problems paying rent.

 

So I should change my gifts to say they're from Santa? I made it clear to her that I bought them before we broke up and I don't want her to think that I was trying to buy her back. All she said to that was, "Ok." She's really short with me...

 

My friends are still coming over and stuff, should I just tell her not to come? Wouldn't that make things worse, like I'm trying to be dramatic or something.

[alwayssme]

I understand the situation you're in. 4 years is a long time and when you have a loving relationship, it hurts to watch it go. However she is being overly dramatic about the whole bowl thing and the whole google passive thing...she sounds like one of those people that gets offended very easily which sucks...i mean are you serious? getting mad over stuff like this and holding it as a grudge? wow! I know you're looking for answers and more importantly you want an answer that will bring her back, but sometimes that answer just doesnt exist. I had to learn the hard way that you have to let go when love is not enough. I know you keep thinking "But this CAN'T be happening. She can't possibly not love me anymore. I need to do something NOW to get her back before too much time passes and she moves on." I thought those things so many times but at the end of the day, no matter what I did, it simply didnt matter. What I can suggest you do is give her some time. And give yourself time. I know it hurts, believe me I know...but from my own personal experience the more you show them you love them, the colder they act. When you say "i'll change" your taking the blame and you shouldnt at all. your human, EVERYONE says and does things like that. So just let it go for now. Give it some time. She will respect you for respecting her decision. Sometimes we just have to swallow our tears and keep on going through life. It's not easy but the choice is not up to us. I hope she comes around. Good luck and you can always talk to us here if you need any advice.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Alwaysme, I've clarified that it is not about what was said back and forth necessarily. To focus on specific words and instances will mislead you. It is far deeper and farther stretching.

 

She most likely has built up resentment over time for one reason or another, and she cherry picked things that she could use against him to vent and "justify" herself.

 

Most likely this girl is psychotic to some degree.

 

Or you aren't telling us the full story brother.

[heartbroken55]

Nope...To the best of my knowledge, that's how it went down. I think she just kept so many things to herself that she just blew up.

 

Even my coworker is baffled. He said if you asked him to list the nicest people he knows she would be in the top 3...

 

I'm puzzled. I guess that's why I'm not taking this so lightly. I feel betrayed. I wonder if the love we shared was even real. Man I sound lame.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Exactly. That's the problem.

 

The problem wasn't the dog bowl or "passive" googling. The problem was building up resentment/anger/etc.

 

This is not your fault. You didn't force her to haul up her feelings and harbor resentment and anger. You must understand this. Look at it from a third person viewpoint, where you aren't viewing anything through "red goggles".

 

She most likely could have gotten fed up with the "perfect relationship" perception and that could have very well caused pressure on her to live up to that reputation and it eventually drained her of all energy and overtook her will to stay together.

 

It's possible she began to feel the relationship was built on a lie, or an 'illusion'. Perfect relationships don't exist.

 

Only in the eyes of those suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, does perfect love exist.

 

Your ex has done herself in but it appears she is trying to get you to believe this was YOUR fault. She's projecting the blame on you to alleviate the feeling of guilt within her. She wants you to accept blame; she's either too weak, too blind, or just doesn't care enough to accept the facts, which is that she has done this to herself.

 

My diagnosis:

 

Run

[heartbroken55]

You might be on to something... Here's what she said, this is from the first email she sent after she left...

 

"i was scared of hurting yours or was afraid of what you had to say because sometimes when you hear things you dont want to hear, you shut out and turn away from the point of the conversation and say that you dont care or that it doesnt matter. "why would i get mad at how you feel? it's how you feel!" Even if you truly felt that way, you have gotten mad at how i felt about things, or because you don't agree. its like a fight you know you cannot win, so why bother the battle?"

 

and...

 

"I've realized during this time that maybe i've thought about your feelings too much and didn't focus of mine enough. I cared so much and took so much time thinking about how you felt, that in the meantime, lost time to care about how i feel."

 

So instead of possibly fighting about something, she just did whatever she could to prevent arguing with me to keep me happy...

[DSM-IV Tom]

EXACTLY.

 

This is the first successful topic I've seen in a while. You have single handedly broken through more walls than a construction worker, tonight.

 

You now see the truth. She pent up her problems-- and that is the quickest way to destroy a relationship.

 

The word relationship comes from "relation" which is, more or less, the concept of relating (communicating). She didn't do that. She didn't communicate... so in a way, you weren't in a relationship at all. Understand?

 

This is her problem my friend. Not yours. You didn't mess up. She chose not to communicate, and she will NEVER be happy living like that.

[Eli_Peterson]

WOW! What happened?! That one seemed to come right out of the blue. could it be that she was scared of the committment or had other things changed? Had you grown complacent in your relationship and didn't realize that she was having a hard time. I'm not making excuses for her but for her to snap out over the puppy dish and your "google" comment....was there other stuff going on in her life at the time?

 

I do see where you screwed up with the comment about if she was going to break up with you not to leave you hanging and then also getting her to agree to meet and talk with you...and also the message "do you still love me"...although all of these things are pretty normal...including the buying her flowers etc....you aren't stalking her yet are you?

 

If I were you I would give her some space and time...not for her but for you to get your head together and first, figure out what you want to do...whether you really do want her back since it seems like you guys aren't really in synch these days. Sometimes just that can help...but in the meantime I would work on pulling myself together and regaining my self confidence. Also, I'm not asking you to take responsibility for what you said to her or to apologize to her...definately don't apologize since she is going to want to SEE a change in you and not just hear an "I"m sorry...won't do it again"....but get back to being the guy that she fell in love with. You will have your chance again someday soon...did she take anything that was yours that you might want back? Or do you still have something that was hers?...and when that day comes be that guy that she fell in love with.

[heartbroken55]

Eli_Peterson, Thank you for the great advice. I definitely am taking this time to work on myself and become that guy that she fell in love with: confident, strong and independent.

 

To be honest the thought of coming to her work or something to see her has crossed my mind but no, I haven't stalked her... I'm not a creepo. Although, I do think about her pretty much all the time, wondering how she's doing and stuff. I always ask the mutual friends we have that see her, if she's doing well etc...

 

She did take a few things that was mine but I don't think it was on purpose. I put some of my stuff in the same drawer as hers or some of my jewelry in her jewelry box, and other stuff like that. Why do you ask?

 

So the more I show that I don't need her the more she'll want me back?

[mmk1]

Yes, the more you ignore her the better. Also, absolutely do not give her the presents for Christmas. She will view this as not respecting her request for space. She will also see it as manipulative and trying to guilt her into coming back to you. A simple text, email or short, short phone call is best. Stay strong!

[heartbroken55]

wow... I can't believe it's been well over a year since my breakup. I was reading my original post and I honestly can't believe how pathetic I was.

 

I have to admit that breakup caused me to hit my rock bottom. I followed everyone's advice and cut off all contact with her and worked on myself. Looking back that break up was probably the best thing that could've happened to me.

 

I love the person I am today because of it. It took me a lot of work to get to this point... but I made it.

 

After about 5-6 months or soul searching and making many self-improvements I noticed her crawling back to me... She always wanted to hang out and have lunch with me etc... but honestly by that point I knew I was better off without her. I stuck to my zero-contact.

 

Long story short. I'm a happier more confident person now thanks to her breaking up with me. For those of you out there that don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, I will tell you that there is hope for you. Change is hard but have faith in yourself. You will make it and you will emerge as a better person.

[xtreme]

That's is great to hear So I take it you keep NC throughout this time? I'm in a similar situation but I'm hitting the GYM now etc etc

[wanderingsoul]

heartbroken55, thank you so much for your update. I'm sure it'll help others have some perspective on their situations. I still miss my ex after a month, but I know that I'll be OK thanks to people like you on these boards.