I'm calling it quits with my new man...

[Capricciosa]

If it's been so great, go. You will know absolutely what the right course of action should be. And really, you just recently hit a snag. Would you rather wonder?

[CaliGuy]

My jAYus.... I spent a whole long time banging out a great post that got lost....! 5 paragrahs totally gone....

 

TBF.... I said so much that got lost in cyber space! Lots about you and what you said....

 

Basically I am a loser... but the irish dude has now asked if I will take a 3 day weekend with him to snowboard. Do I?

 

What the Deuce.

 

 

a. No you're not a loser.

b. No you should not go snowboarding with him. Take some YOU time to hang with friends.

c. The Stewie reference, classic

[Trialbyfire]

My jAYus.... I spent a whole long time banging out a great post that got lost....! 5 paragrahs totally gone....

 

TBF.... I said so much that got lost in cyber space! Lots about you and what you said....

 

Basically I am a loser... but the irish dude has now asked if I will take a 3 day weekend with him to snowboard. Do I?

 

What the Deuce.

That's too bad. I would be curious to read what your response was. Maybe it surrounded pulling all your strengths back together into a more defined but flexible within reason, core self. If you consider the hard knocks experienced, they scatter self, since much of what you believed to be true and secure, weren't true or secure, so what's safe to ground to? Keep in mind, this isn't just about romantic relationships.

 

Difficult to put into words. Rereading what I just wrote has lost much in the translation.

 

As for a three-day snowboarding trip, what do you want from him? If you're content with enjoying the moment, there's no reason why you can't go. If you're concerned about investing further, then don't.

[RecordProducer]

Basically I am a loser... but the irish dude has now asked if I will take a 3 day weekend with him to snowboard. Do I?

You know you're not a loser. You absolutely should go if you can make it; you want to go and it will be a great continuation of your relationship. You like him and you only live once. Don't be so scared of being hurt. So what if you end up hurt? Are you a coward? I didn't think so!

[D-Lish]

a. No you're not a loser.

b. No you should not go snowboarding with him. Take some YOU time to hang with friends.

c. The Stewie reference, classic

 

 

I love Stewie Cali...! He and Petah G. make my life a little brighter every day.

 

I'm not going to go.

I think I really need time to get centered and figure out what I want out of this.

 

I don't know if I mentioned this yet, but when he came to Canada a few months ago, he landed a place with a room mate who was absent until recently. He'd never even met her until 2 weeks ago when she came home. He'd only met her sister who collected his rent, etc.

 

Anyway- the last time I picked him up to come out here, he told me that the first night she came home she made him dinner and got loaded on red wine. She passed out on the couch and he sat up to keep an eye on her with a bucket. She ended up getting up and barfing in the toilet- and he told ne HE HELD HER HAIR FOR HER. I was jealous when he told me that story... and when he asked "don't you think that's funny?" I gave him a stone cold "no...". I met his room mate recently- she's cute. Stupid and annoying- but still cute.

 

Just another red flag for me.

 

I'm so back and forth about what to do.

 

I do not want to go away with him for three days.

I obviously have issues I need to deal with before I can spend anymore time with him.

[RecordProducer]

I do not want to go away with him for three days.

I obviously have issues I need to deal with before I can spend anymore time with him.

You are turning the fun into issues. Not for him, but for yourself.

 

Nonetheless, nobody here can tell you what to do. Your intuition picks up on every little thing and we only hear what you tell us. So you know best and whatever you decide, it's going to be the right decision for you.

 

The room mate thing might be nothing. Holding a woman's hair while she's puking is far from sexy. And imagine her behavior before that!

[D-Lish]

You are turning the fun into issues. Not for him, but for yourself.

 

Nonetheless, nobody here can tell you what to do. Your intuition picks up on every little thing and we only hear what you tell us. So you know best and whatever you decide, it's going to be the right decision for you.

 

The room mate thing might be nothing. Holding a woman's hair while she's puking is far from sexy. And imagine her behavior before that!

 

I just can't get over the feeling of feeling physically sick when I really like someone. I was pretty awesome and felt greta about things up until a week ago. He got bitchy and distant and I panicked.

 

Now that I have had a taste of the idea that liking him can hurt me- I am retreating from the whole idea of being with him.

 

It could have been nothing, it could have been him just needing space... But I think I need to step back and settle down.

 

It's not "normal" to have such a strong reaction to intimacy like that.

I've lost weight, feel ill and anxious. I need to get over that.

 

I am a whole lot of fun and together in the initial stages of a relationship- as soon as I feel the power to control my feelings is affected- I just panick and end up sabotaging or running away.

 

I am sure he either felt my increasing interest in him, or was reacting to my anxiousness that I believed I was hiding. I am probably kidding myself to believe one can hide that kind of thing.

 

I get so frustrated with myself. I have allowed my experience from my divorce 6 years ago to ruin all my subsequent relationships out of fear.

 

 

He's here for 7 more weeks... I don't know if I should hang with him lightly, cut off contact completely, or just have him contact me if he wants to chat when he comes back this way (where he wants to supposedly make a permanent residence).

 

I really do have to come to terms with this problem I have.

I coach people to learn from their mistakes... yet I keep making the same one over and over myself. I am better... but the progress isn't enough.

 

I want to be a different person. I want to be that girl that trusted myself to take a risk regardless of the outcome because I knew I'd be able to handle the worst case scenario. I am having loads of trouble finding her.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

He is not emotionally invested in you, as you are in him.

Time to move on.

[D-Lish]

He is not emotionally invested in you, as you are in him.

Time to move on.

 

Thanks for the insight.

You're always one step ahead of the game and your input is always greatly appreciated.

[Ruby Slippers]

I get so frustrated with myself. I have allowed my experience from my divorce 6 years ago to ruin all my subsequent relationships out of fear.

It is good that you recognize the problem. That is the first step, and a very important one. A friend of mine once made a good point to me that is echoed in a book I am reading right now: when you put up a wall to protect yourself from pain, you usually don't succeed at keeping all the pain out, AND you block out a lot of the good stuff, too. Any life that is full of happiness ALSO has its share of pain. Pain and problems are an unavoidable part of life.

 

But you seem to be well-equipped to take care of yourself, so in the worst case scenario, even if you are hurt, you will survive and be OK.

[D-Lish]

It is good that you recognize the problem. That is the first step, and a very important one. A friend of mine once made a good point to me that is echoed in a book I am reading right now: when you put up a wall to protect yourself from pain, you usually don't succeed at keeping all the pain out, AND you block out a lot of the good stuff, too. Any life that is full of happiness ALSO has its share of pain. Pain and problems are an unavoidable part of life.

 

But you seem to be well-equipped to take care of yourself, so in the worst case scenario, even if you are hurt, you will survive and be OK.

 

Blocking out the good stuff seems to make sense when one has walls.

 

And I do think I was a little more emotionally invested in him than he was in me. Or... at the very least when he started to have deeper feelings he shut down.

 

I've done that before. I know I have hurt others as a result.

 

Him and I talked at length about our personal intimacy issues. He knows I have them and I know he has them. I think he's emotionally moved on knowing he is moving, while at the same time conflicted that we clicked so well.

 

He left Ireland, his job, his family to basically discover himself and find a passion. He's unsettled right now. Not a good time for him to invest in a serious relationship. I recognize that, and I recognize why that means we won't work out at this particular time.

 

I will be okay. I haven't shed tears about it yet, but I feel lousy.

We had 6 really solid and cool weeks together. I want to just remember that and not concentrate on any resentment I might currently have over him pulling away.

 

He's not a bad guy.

[CaliGuy]

I love Stewie Cali...! He and Petah G. make my life a little brighter every day.

 

The "what the deuce" line made me lol.

 

I'm not going to go.

I think I really need time to get centered and figure out what I want out of this.

 

Egg-sack-ly

 

I don't know if I mentioned this yet, but when he came to Canada a few months ago, he landed a place with a room mate who was absent until recently. He'd never even met her until 2 weeks ago when she came home. He'd only met her sister who collected his rent, etc.

 

Anyway- the last time I picked him up to come out here, he told me that the first night she came home she made him dinner and got loaded on red wine. She passed out on the couch and he sat up to keep an eye on her with a bucket. She ended up getting up and barfing in the toilet- and he told ne HE HELD HER HAIR FOR HER. I was jealous when he told me that story... and when he asked "don't you think that's funny?" I gave him a stone cold "no...". I met his room mate recently- she's cute. Stupid and annoying- but still cute.

 

Just another red flag for me.

 

Agreed. I think he's bad mojo and I don't even know him. Just from the info you've provided though, I think it's best you steer clear.

 

I'm so back and forth about what to do.

 

Why? If you don't think you can do better I understand but I personally believe you can....

 

I do not want to go away with him for three days.

I obviously have issues I need to deal with before I can spend anymore time with him.

 

Get your head and heart together then you'll have no doubts about what you need to do.

[Isolde]

D-Lish, I was sorry to read this, and I'm also sad to hear you've been hurt so badly in the past. I can't even imagine what that must have been like: those feelings of abused trust can really inform how you look at everything.

 

You seem to be really intelligent and from what I've read, you've struck a good balance of being involved with this guy and being cautious about getting too invested. I can't think of one thing you did that was wrong or "off", from what little I know about dating. You need to avoid self-flagellation (I think you KNOW it's not your fault) and, as you said, take time off from this source of stress.

 

In most relationships, there is a point where neither is sure if it will work out or where someone pulls away. At least, in this situation, it's mainly for circumstantial reasons (because he's travelling).

 

This guy does sound a bit flakey, though--not settled and fully confident in himself. Is that what you want?

 

I disagree with what Alpha said, that you wouldn't want anyone who could step up to the plate. In fact--I think that's what you NEED at this point in your life. You're beautiful, successful, and 38--do you really want to remain at this point of second guessing everything you do? Aren't you better than that?

 

If he's not willing to take things up a notch when he returns, I say forget him.

[kreens]

Hi D-lish,

 

dont know if you have read my story but i have similar trust issues and start to feel physically sick when i fall for someone. i obsess and obsess about how it will end and lose weight etc.

 

otherwise i break it off with someone as i pick men who are unable or unwilling to commit.

 

My husband cheated on me too (together 13 years - 2 daughters), and although we are good friends now it has affected how i have viewed every relationship since. Def cant trust or get scared - over analyse everything... get paranoid.

 

I think the fact that he is going away for 4 months is a very hard thing. Certainly if you fell for him. How will you feel to be apart for that long and you have emotionally invested all this in him. Its causing you stress and thats not a good thing. the trust issue may come up while he is away.

 

i think i would break if off and nothing to do with the ironing or eggs LOL. these are really minor things. LOL..i think the fact that he is going away is a big issue.. it would be for me anyway. How about you spend that time working on your trust issues. And who knows what will happen when he returns. There is nothing wrong with staying in contact, unless you feel it will hurt you.

 

just my thoughts

 

k

[RecordProducer]

It's not "normal" to have such a strong reaction to intimacy like that.

Yes, it is.

I really do have to come to terms with this problem I have.

I coach people to learn from their mistakes... yet I keep making the same one over and over myself. I am better... but the progress isn't enough.

What mistakes do you make? Sabotage or run away from relationships? I am always amazed by how people talk about relationships as if most of them are good, and we did something to screw up an otherwise wonderful relationship. Most relationships aren't meant to be. Why would you sabotage something that's good? You just don't settle for less than perfect, which is fine at the beginning of a relationship. You didn't sabotage it or run away while everything was good. The little things show off big flaws; his comments raised red flags in your mind that he might be selfish, inconsiderate, and primitive. And you have a right to be concerned about those things. I actually admire you for being able to step back and think about whether you want to proceed and invest more feelings into someone who might hurt you or waste your time.

 

I know I said you should take the risk, but nobody can tell you to take a risk. It has to be your decision. If I saw red flags and were convinced that they reveal major character flaws that I don't want to put up with, I would consider a breakup a wise decision. It seems like this is what you've been doing with other guys. We are so used to closing our eyes to our lover's crap, that we consider anything other than forgiving and sucking it up as "sabotaging."

 

Of course people have flaws and we have them too. But these flaws are not like the physical flaws (as long as you like the whole package, who cares about a few extra pounds or a crooked nose) - these flaws ruin years of our lives. You have every right to be concerned and watch closely what you're getting yourself into.

 

 

I want to be a different person. I want to be that girl that trusted myself to take a risk regardless of the outcome because I knew I'd be able to handle the worst case scenario. I am having loads of trouble finding her.

You do trust yourself. Maybe you assess that the risk is just too big. Sure you can handle the worst case scenario, but you don't want to voluntarily put yourself into it. When we take risks, we never really think that we'll lose. The more certain we are that we'll lose the less willing we are to take risks.

 

In any case, I am just talking in general. I am not saying that this guy is selfish or will break your heart. You know him, I don't. You have the chance to get to know him better before you make a decision. I am just saying that you don't necessarily need an emotional "metamorphosis." Running away from red flags is what many of us didn't do and regretted it later. And if you tell me that the relationships you "sabotaged" were in fact all great, that's just not possible. You weren't sabotaging this relationship while it was all great. You took the risk and you invested a lot of effort into it. Sabotaging a great relationship would be if you walked away or did something wrong while he was still nothing but wonderful to you.

 

He is not emotionally invested in you, as you are in him.

Time to move on.

Um... how did we come to this conclusion?

[mental_traveller]

I am always amazed by how people talk about relationships as if most of them are good, and we did something to screw up an otherwise wonderful relationship. Most relationships aren't meant to be.

 

Great point. Your posts in the last few months have been pretty darn good, RP.

[D-Lish]

Hi Everyone- and thanks for your replies.

 

I just got back from my week away by myself in Florida. I am happy I did it, but it doesn't erase the pain. lol, I was sort of hoping it would!

 

I made the clean break from him a couple days ago. It was something I had to do. Before I left he admitted to pulling away because he was leaving- and I made it clear that as hard as it was, we should make it a clean break.

 

He text me about 20 times throughout the course of my vacation. Lots of random inside jokes we shared, "remember when you did this"... kind of stuff. It just got tiresome by the end of my vacation. That's the flakiness in him. He doesn't want to get close, but he doesn't want to leave me alone either. I text him fed up a couple days ago and told him I didn't want to be his "texting buddy".

 

It's confusing when people do that. I was pretty sure we had broken up- yet he is texting me cute little things we used to do together.

 

He got upset when I said I just wanted to cease contact because it was upsetting and confusing to me. I mean really what is the dude thinking???

Does he think we can hang out sometimes and high five each other after seeing one another naked? It's just so weird.

 

It's like he believes we can go from hot and heavy to being buddies.

I have enough buddies...!!

 

Just venting.

[Trialbyfire]

Welcome back D-Lish! Glad to hear you had a good time.

 

Your ex is trying to get your attention with his cute texts. He's as confused as you are, I'm betting. Missing you but pushing you away. It's got to be the worst mind frack out there!

[D-Lish]

Welcome back D-Lish! Glad to hear you had a good time.

 

Your ex is trying to get your attention with his cute texts. He's as confused as you are, I'm betting. Missing you but pushing you away. It's got to be the worst mind frack out there!

 

You couldn't be more right about that TBF!

It was hard to concentrate on having a good time!

I am glad I cut it off though. We have to exchange our things soon- which I am dreading.

[Trialbyfire]

If it helps, you can apply that baby/toddler syndrome called separation anxiety, to your ex.

 

"Don't be lookin' at me like I'm your blankie!"

[D-Lish]

If it helps, you can apply that baby/toddler syndrome called separation anxiety, to your ex.

 

"Don't be lookin' at me like I'm your blankie!"

 

Lol...

 

I lent him a nice warm blankie I have to pick up from him. I'm going to yank that blankie out from underneath his warm butt. I cringe thinking he's shagging other chicks on that blankie!

 

I'll just never get that whole push-pull thing people do.

It's really unfair to play with people like that!

[CaliGuy]

Push-pull happens because people don't know what they want. They don't necessarily want you, but don't want others to have you either. That's the mind-frack I hate. It's selfish and totally immature!

[D-Lish]

Push-pull happens because people don't know what they want. They don't necessarily want you, but don't want others to have you either. That's the mind-frack I hate. It's selfish and totally immature!

 

That's the label I put on it as well... selfish.

It's that whole mindset of playing with other people's feelings that I can't comprehend.

 

He was shocked and upset when I said it was best to have no contact.

That made me angry.

 

It was only a few weeks ago he told me he was scared I was going to break his heart- and when I stepped up a bit to reassure him... that's when he started backing off. I remember that same night he woke up in the middle of the night and nearly strangled me with a hug- when I asked what was wrong he said he'd had a dream that he'd woken up and I was gone, leaving him a note saying I wasn't coming back.

 

All the mixed messages, the distancing, the hot-cold.... Then to go from all that intensity to trying to be my "buddy". I'm happy I have made the choice to go no contact with him.

 

Always a pleasure to get your insight CaliG...