Author D-Lish Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 I just don't get it. This is a complete 180 from what you've said about this guy like 2 weeks ago. Compounding those statements with your fear over your having deep feelings for him, and I think that this is just playing out as nitpicking over his behavior to start to resent him. He might not be right for you, but it's hard for me to seriously think your feelings toward him have changed so dramatically so quickly. It's called confusion ICB. I truly could be looking for reasons to resent him- but at the same time I am not sure he could be doing the same. I have no clue.... I am stupidly confused. I do not know how to handle falling in love. I lost that comfort a long time ago. My ex-husband knocked up another woman and I haven't had any clear radar or perspective since. There isn't a huge difference in how I feel about this guy- I actually do like him deeply. Perhaps I play the "no big deal card"... when it is a big deal. It IS a big deal... I guess I can reveal that to you guys here- I do really care deeply for him. I just don't want to get hurt- and I can't for the life of me distinguish what is a red flag and what might be my own undoing. After reading what you said about me giving the signal I was relaxing and not interested in going out with him.... I am perplexed. See? I don't know how to handle hints. He didn't mention he was going out anywhere until the last sentence in our convo... just kept asking what I was up to, then threw that in. Maybe it's that I asked him to x-mas dinner and he wavered. Perhaps it's that he whacked me with rejection and I am experiencing old issues. He did ask if I could come and spend x-mas at his friends place.... I only heard rejection. Geez, it's so confusing.
Capricciosa Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I just don't want to get hurt- and I can't for the life of me distinguish what is a red flag and what might be my own undoing. He did ask if I could come and spend x-mas at his friends place.... I only heard rejection. Geez, it's so confusing. I feel for you. I know how blurry that line can be through the goggles of fear. But I guess you've got to find a new way to see and hear, so you are not run by your past experiences, and (perhaps) you can have a new experience. But I do understand how difficult this is.
IrishCarBomb Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 It's called confusion ICB. No doubt. I just think that confusion is not really a reason to call it quits with a person you had such a positive experience with (until recently). It's confusing, but it could still be a great thing. Finding a guy that you click with so well is rare, so it might be worth enduring the confusion to get something good out of it. Then again, maybe the whole headache isn't worth it for you. In the end it's really your own life, and your decision. I wish you the best.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 LMAO!! Oscar won this topic when he talked about how he chased a girl until she gave in and wanted to go out to dinner, at which point he callously ignored her and plans to keep ignoring her. That is just made of awesome.
Angel1111 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 If you're ironing his pants after being with him for only 2 months, my guess is that you've gotten too close, too fast. I can see why he's pulling away. I just don't think you see it.
Author D-Lish Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 If you're ironing his pants after being with him for only 2 months, my guess is that you've gotten too close, too fast. I can see why he's pulling away. I just don't think you see it. That is what the post is about, I do see it! I iron his work pants when he stays over and is running late and he's washed his pants the night before. I don't go out on a limb in all aspects of our relationship, not by a longshot. I am awake right now when I have to work in the morning because he just called and woke me up at 3am. He went off on me for not wanting to come out tonight with him. Not in a bad way- just a bit drunk and upset. Communication problem???? I told him I would have been open to coming out if he had asked and he said he didn't ask because he thought I'd rather 'chill" than come out with him and that upset him. Angel, seriously- I make him breakfast and iron his pants sometimes. Is that a make it or break it thing? We've been together for 2 months and I've ironed his pants twice. Both times have been when he is running late. Otherwise, in the relationship I am pretty aloof. Nice- but aloof about my feelings.
pandagirl Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Oh, D. I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. You are such a kind and caring person! But you are also admittedly gun shy to show your real emotions. I'm the same way, so I totally understand. It's really had to open up to someone and give a person that power over you. From what you've told us, it seems like this guy has some serious vulnerability/commitment/maturity issues. Even though you guys obviously care about each other and click like crazy, he might not be the right guy for you. You can't be with someone who is always going to give you mixed signals and who is a bad communicator and setting your emotions off all the time. Sure, a little conflict and drama is OK, but you lost 8 lbs! You're going to disappear! This is only my opinion, but if you really care about this guy and want a future with him, I'd just put all your cards out on the table and TALK to him about all of this. I don't think it matters who "balks" first. It seems like neither one of you knows what the other is thinking. If he sees a future with you and wants one, he will be willing to try to make things right. However, there's also the chance that he will run, which in that case, he wasn't the right guy for you anyway!
Trialbyfire Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I am awake right now when I have to work in the morning because he just called and woke me up at 3am. He went off on me for not wanting to come out tonight with him. Not in a bad way- just a bit drunk and upset. Communication problem???? I told him I would have been open to coming out if he had asked and he said he didn't ask because he thought I'd rather 'chill" than come out with him and that upset him. So what was resolved D? It sounds like he came clean. What about you?
Green Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I'm a man so there for I know how all men think... He's definetly pulling away and whats with the extremely long trip... Oh well his loss right?
Eyeofthoth Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I have a little different take on the "commitmentphobe" thing. Anyone who has been dating a person for less than two months is foolish if they are not feeling afraid of commitment. That just isn't nearly enough time to be saying "Yup, I'm all the way in, forever." But it is essential that two people talk to each other about what they want in the relationship and in their own future. He is going away for four months? What does he want to do during that time? Will he see other women? What do you want to do? Do you want to see other guys I hope you told him to iron his own clothes if he doesn't like the way you do it. You sound really sweet and nice and might be easy to take advantage of. Anyway, I do know how you feel. I get sick when I really like someone too. It is all that risk. What if now that I really like him he leaves me? Love is awful.
melodymatters Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I have never been a fan of over thinking when it comes to relationships. If i had a motto it would be ' say what you mean, and mean what you say'. i would have been teasing/b*tchy if he dared complain about ANY ' favour' I was doing for him, and if I wanted to go out i would have just said what I, wanted to do. ie; I'm bored, ya want company ? or Dude, I am wrecked, I am so in my pajamas eating ice cream right now. I don't play games of any sorts. I ask for what i want, and then proceed accordingly based on whether MY needs are being met or not. ( within a frame of reasonable expectations of course) Actually, I find the guys who have to play the 'two steps forward, one step back" game, rather inane and boring. Just be YOU D, "you" is cool !
motive2002 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Did I read that right? 2 months??? and you're calling him commitment phobe? 2 Months and he's bitching about cornflakes. Aren't you supposed to still be in the blissful stage? Do you think things just went too fast? Seriously.
Author D-Lish Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 So what was resolved D? It sounds like he came clean. What about you? He had been drinking when he called. I think a lot of what he said was because the booze had softened him. Anyway, we broke things off tonight. He's been lying to me about working when he isn't, told me he was working tonight but wanted to see me tomorrow- then he signed into msn (he believed I was out). I called him on it and he admitted he was conflicted and was pulling away because he is off to travel soon. I ended things. He had also told me before that his phone was busted- but he called me from that "busted phone" at 3am last night. To clarify Motive. It was 2 months of bliss and a whole lot of fun together. The last day we spent together was when he demonstrated this behaviour. It caught me off guard leading me to believe he was distancing. i was right. I do believe he has intimacy issues. Almost 30 years old and only one GF when he was 18-21. I am pretty upset, but not overly surprised. I had to work today and my close male friend at work told me never to believe "drunken talk"... I knew that to be the case subconsciously when he was gushing over me last night. To be honest, I don't think he had intentions of me coming out with him last night. I think he gave me the gears about it to throw responsibility on me (guilty conscience). I did do nice things for him. He had done very nice things for me as well. Often cooking me dinner and drawing me baths. It wasn't all me being Disney, ironing his pants and singing tra-la-la as the animated animals gathered 'round me and helped me fold his laundry and pour him cereal... He was good to me- just that last date that I knew something was amiss. He wishes to stay in contact and hang out... But I need NC to get over him. I feel like crying, but the tears won't come.
underpants Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Otherwise, in the relationship I am pretty aloof. Nice- but aloof about my feelings. That is a shame. It is challenging to a guy. Especially one that doesn't know what to do, or how to feel, to be confronted with (at select times) a woman's feelings on things. I am similiar in that I am extremely aloof in my relationships. Yet when I do state my emotional feelings on a subject, because it is a rare thing I find that people do really listen to what I say and if they are cool, they appreciate it. There is a line between being the ultra cool laid back chick and the doormat. Been there, done that. It is okay to state your feelings and set the discussion of boundaries. If the other party cannot take part in such a discussion then, at least you know. You haven't heard the last of this guy. Gather your thoughts and find your center of strength. Perhaps type out a paragraph or two about your take on things. Don't send it, but have the thoughts collected and there to read for your own self assurance. Make peace with who you are and who you want to be. If it includes him then when the time is right, let him in on it. No crying. Okay?
Lovelybird Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Slow down D-lish Seems that you rush to fall in love, then now rush to be out. You act on compulsion, not your free will, which will not lead to good result. IMO the first several months the real relationship cannot begin, hormone and our imagination are major working elements. If it is a good thing, it endures time. Calm down, then probably like water, only when it is still, then you would be able to see what is in it clearly.
Trialbyfire Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I called him on it and he admitted he was conflicted and was pulling away because he is off to travel soon. I ended things. Sucks when it ends this way. I guess it's for the better since he's going soon but that doesn't fix the hurt. ((hugs))
Angel1111 Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 That is what the post is about, I do see it! I iron his work pants when he stays over and is running late and he's washed his pants the night before. I don't go out on a limb in all aspects of our relationship, not by a longshot. I am awake right now when I have to work in the morning because he just called and woke me up at 3am. He went off on me for not wanting to come out tonight with him. Not in a bad way- just a bit drunk and upset. Communication problem???? I told him I would have been open to coming out if he had asked and he said he didn't ask because he thought I'd rather 'chill" than come out with him and that upset him. Angel, seriously- I make him breakfast and iron his pants sometimes. Is that a make it or break it thing? We've been together for 2 months and I've ironed his pants twice. Both times have been when he is running late. Otherwise, in the relationship I am pretty aloof. Nice- but aloof about my feelings. The 'make or break' thing is that things happened too fast. Nobody waits anymore and it screws things up. Hey, I've done it myself that's why I know what I'm talking about.
Author D-Lish Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 The 'make or break' thing is that things happened too fast. Nobody waits anymore and it screws things up. Hey, I've done it myself that's why I know what I'm talking about. I guess it didn't seem too fast at the time. He is leaving the end of January for a few months, so I don't want to get hung up either. I was supposed to go to an x-mas party last night, but I didn't feel up to it after we spoke (I should have gone). Anyway, he text me around midnight to ask how the party was going. I spoke to a good friend that said I always rush to the break up too fast. That instead of giving him time to deal with feeling conflicted over his feelings- that I instead break it off. She pointed out that I was having the same reservations and fears. Trust me lovley bird, I'm in no rush to fall in love. Today I am a bit teary. Thankfully I have a big week at work, so it will take my mind off things.
Ariadne Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Sigh... Another relationship that seemed promising that turned out to be crap. Well, next D-Lish.
Trialbyfire Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I spoke to a good friend that said I always rush to the break up too fast. That instead of giving him time to deal with feeling conflicted over his feelings- that I instead break it off. She pointed out that I was having the same reservations and fears. You and I share some similar history. We pull the trigger...fast...not wanting to waste time/emotion on someone who we feel isn't all in or isn't the right fit. We're both relationship-averse to an extent, but handle things differently. We both always have other opportunities. Is this right or wrong? For me, it's right for me at the moment. For you, are you getting tired of it? What do you want D?
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Pulling the trigger fast/going straight for a breakup is signs of Histrionic Personality Disorder. (Extreme black and white thinking). It is also a characteristic of other mental disorders. You should research it. And fix it. And as for you trialbyfire, talking about how you feel it's right at the moment so you break up and what not? That right there is acting on emotion. Something that many people hold against women because there's usually a large lack of logic involved when women do this. Many people think women are crazy because of this. I understand why.
Trialbyfire Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 DSM-IV Tom, are you a professional psychiatrist/psychologist/counsellor?
Trialbyfire Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 *sigh* Just another angst-ridden man looking to take out his resentment against women 'cause he got dumped or isn't of the level necessary, to attract or keep what he wants. Next...
OpenBook Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 You went from this -- Forgive me for getting off topic-- but is that you in your avatar? Because if so, I volunteer to take his place ROFL!!!! Well helllllllllllllllllllo to you. My name is thomas. lol!!!!!! ...to this?? -- Pulling the trigger fast/going straight for a breakup is signs of Histrionic Personality Disorder. (Extreme black and white thinking). It is also a characteristic of other mental disorders. You should research it. And fix it. Talk about extreme black and white thinking!! Oh, let me guess... D-Lish turned you down.
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