D-Lish Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I have been seeing someone for almost two months now. Things have been going amazing and I found myself falling for him more and more. Up until last week we were getting really close and I began to see a future between us. The last week he has began to distance himself from me, and I can feel myself doing the same. There are too many mixed signals on his end. He was here Tuesday, Wednesday- and when I drove him home Wednesday afternoon I just began to feel his head was in another place. I think our closeness has caused him to shut down. I am starting to think he is a comittment phobe, and seeing some of those red flags. He has only had one long term relationship- from 18-21.... and since then the longest time he has gone out with someone is 9 months. He is almost 30 now. I've noticed that I do ALOT for him- and up until recently, he reciprocated- but it's only been two months and I am starting to feel he takes advantage of my kindness. The last 2 nights we spent together he complained that his eggs weren't runny enough, I hadn't ironed his work shirt and pants to his liking, I had Special K in the house but he sulked I didn't have Cornflakes.... things like that. I found myself feeling lots of resentment by the time I dropped him off. I also see his complaining as his way of finding faults with me in order to find reasons to slow things down. He has always been really attentive sexually, and the last week I found him to be selfish about sex. All these red flags have added up to me wanting to take space from him and re-assess what I want out of this. We haven't exchanged a text or phonecall or msn convo since I dropped him off Wednesday- which is unusual. We usually text all day every day. He has made solid plans to travel for a few months, probably leaving at the end of January. He told me last week that he was leaving for sure and planned on being back in April. One moment he is talking about us taking a trip together, and the next he isn't talking to me for 2 days. It's too much for me to handle. I think he fits the profile of a CP... I don't know whether to officially break up with him or just give him space and take space for myself. He was the one acting weird the last time we hung out, so I refuse to be the one to reach out to him. He makes a lot of statements that leave me to believe he is insecure as well. I have been looking into moving to Toronto for a job I want (which is where he lives)... He said the other day that I would probably get tired of him coming over if I lived so close and that it would interfere with me dating other boys. He makes a lot of comments about me dating other guys, things like "maybe that's your other boyfriend you are thinking about".... It's all so confusing. I feel I am at a junction where I have to protect myself. I feel him pulling away and I don't want to invest any further as a result. Plus, resentment is building inside me in terms of seeing him being selfish. I don't know what to do. He's all I have been able to think about for the past couple days. I'm angry, sad, confused... second guessing myself. I hate these kinds of feelings. I know relationships aren't meant to be easy and that they hit rough patches- but my gut tells me this is more than a rough patch- I think it's a beginning to an end. Almost like he is starting to act like a jerk on purpose so I will break up with him and he doesn't have to break up with me. This happened with his last girlfriend. They dated for 9 months and she dumped him- he admitted that he felt relief, not grief over the break up. My stomach is in knots over this.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Forgive me for getting off topic-- but is that you in your avatar? Because if so, I volunteer to take his place ROFL!!!!
carhill Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 D, he's just becoming his true self. Anyone who would go to such trouble to alter their behavior to make you "break up" with them has problems anyway. Un-knot your stomach and enjoy the holidays! Have a come to Jesus talk and smile about it.
Author D-Lish Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 I know Carhill.... I'm just kicking myself for once again having bad judgement about a person. I seem to be very unlucky in love. I really liked him, and it's been a long time since that happened to me. Yes Dsmv, that's me in my avatar, lol.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Well helllllllllllllllllllo to you. My name is thomas. lol!!!!!!
Konfuzion Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Sorry D.... I was just thinking about my life this morning. I am 33 and single and I was wondering if I am going to spend the rest of my life single. Anyway best of luck to you with things. He sounds like an idiot by the way.
Trialbyfire Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 D, I'm going out on a limb here and could easily be wrong but the timing seems coincidental. This negativity started happening after the invite for Christmas dinner. Are you certain he hasn't been acting this way all along? Are you certain you're not pushing him away too? I'm not pointing a finger. Just want you to take a look at your own historical actions, in conjunction with his. We all self-protect when the other person appears to pull away.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 The last 2 nights we spent together he complained that his eggs weren't runny enough, I hadn't ironed his work shirt and pants to his liking, I had Special K in the house but he sulked I didn't have Cornflakes.... things like that. I found myself feeling lots of resentment by the time I dropped him off. :eek: Give your heart time to catch up with your head. I think your head is leading you in the right direction. You're beautiful. You need a guy who doesn't have a problem with someone giving him love. Sounds like this guy is intimidated by it. Not a good sign.
CaliGuy Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 So D, the rule of thumb is: "Don't date boys, date men!" Sorry it didn't work out but glad you are aware of the red flags!
Author D-Lish Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 D, I'm going out on a limb here and could easily be wrong but the timing seems coincidental. This negativity started happening after the invite for Christmas dinner. Are you certain he hasn't been acting this way all along? Are you certain you're not pushing him away too? I'm not pointing a finger. Just want you to take a look at your own historical actions, in conjunction with his. We all self-protect when the other person appears to pull away. You're right about the distance happening after the invite. But, he has taken me to meet his friends on numerous occasions and took me to his x-mas work party. My mom once called when we were out and asked us to go out to dinner and I said nothing to him until later. His response was: "Why didn't you tell me? I would have loved to go!" So- the invite didn't seem like an out of the blue comment. I can't be certain I am not pushing him away TBF. Liking him has caused a bad internal reaction in me. My stomach is in knots, I've lost about 8 lbs, my hairdresser even said she noticed a few bald patches on my head!!! That is what the stress of liking someone does to me and I wish I could relax. Instead of enjoying time with someone, I start to feel sick! I'm sure I have acted a little too tough sometimes- been aloof here and there. I have opened up to him though, when he has asked me to. I don't know what to do. Things really have been quite brilliant with us up until the last little bit. Maybe is is acting prickly because he is reacting to me. I just don't know. Why do I equate liking someone with being physically sick? It's an awful way to live to be sure.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I'm sorry it's taken a turn for the worse. But good for you for being so aware and not chasing a ghost.
alphamale Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I don't know whether to officially break up with him or just give him space and take space for myself. he is extricating himself from the relationshp so if you don't break up with him i can almost guarantee he will end it soon. i tend to have these types of 2 to 4 month relationships with women and then end it before it gets too serious. its not due to being commitment phobic its due to wanting variety. i also get bored with the same woman fairly quickly. once in a while i'll find someone who i want to be with long term.
Author D-Lish Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 I know Cali guy- I do need to date "men" that are able to step up to the plate. I feel like a bit of an ass. I just logged into msn and checked my e-mail and he left me a few messages. He dropped his phone and its not working. He gave me his Ireland cell phone number to text him.... He also e-mailed me twice. I just hadn't checked. Anyway- we chatted on msn, and I just kept it light and fun as did he. I still feel tension though, and I still feel sick to my stomach over liking him. Not ignoring the red flags- something is up still with him.
alphamale Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 - I do need to date "men" that are able to step up to the plate. i doubt you would be interested in them
Author D-Lish Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 i doubt you would be interested in them You're probably right Alpha... But as you stated- you too get bored and want variety... so you probably wouldn't want a woman ready to step up to the plate either! You could be right about him breaking up with me. I don't think he is that ballsy though. I get the impression he would prefer to be an ass and allow the woman to break up with him. Once and a while I too meet someone I want to have something longer term with- it's been a long while and this guy was one of those few and far between guys. I think I keep him guessing and offer him something different than other girls- but as you have stated, it's probably not enough. We just chatted on msn for a long while. He hinted and hinted in so many different ways what I was doing tonight, but didn't ask me to go out with him. We ended the conversation with him saying he was meeting his friends for a few drinks. I said "great, have fun!!"... and he responded with "I'll try... " Is he playing off me thinking I don't want to see him and therfore not asking? Or is he not wanting me to come along??? He asked me three times what I was doing tonight, and all three times I responded with "relaxing I think"... Did that give him the impression I didn't want to go out or see him? I have no clue what the deuce is going on with this guy. I sooooo wanted to enquire why he didn't invite me out because I would have liked to come.... but I didn't- I would never. I just don't know what I am doing. Am I giving mixed signals??? Or is he feeling I am??? He did ask 3 times what I was doing... at one point he said he wished I was there with him... but he didn't ask me to come out with him. Is it me??? Did he want me to say I had no plans? Why am I so bad at this stuff?
alphamale Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Why am I so bad at this stuff? you're being too nice and accomodating and no longer a challenge. start being more of a demanding bitch
Oscar51 Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 D-Lish Guys like challenges. Trust me. I was highly interested in one girl until she texted me saying, Soooo...When are you taking me to dinner? I never responded and don't plan on that. I don't know why that turned me off so much, but it did. Like he said, the more of a bitch you are, the more he will want you. People want what they can't have. It's human nature. However don't be too much of a bitch, if he has any balls, he will put you in your place.
Author D-Lish Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 I am nice when we are together... but trust me- I never push any time spent or ever ask when we will see one another next. Even tonight, I never mentioned me hanging out with him even though I got the feeling he wanted to ask but was afraid. I don't think he actually knows how I feel about him. I always play mystery with that. And Alpha.... He told me he broke up with the majority of his ex's for being demanding bitches...lol. I am not demanding- maybe too aloof? He did give me the impression tonight that he wanted me to invite myself to see him... even gave a sad smiley and said "I'll try" when I told him to have fun with his friends. Believe me, I am no doormat. I ask for very little, if anything. Asking him if he wanted to have x-mas dinner was my first step into the unknown, my very first glimpse of real vulnerability. I do nice things for him when we are together- but then I disappear for a while. Do I really have to be a bitch to capture his attention? Like mean to him? Break it off with him?
blind_otter Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Pushing him away by ironing his ding-dang ol' pants? Um, I don't think so. Sulking over cornflakes? Get over it, ya J-A! Scrambled eggs not runny enough? What the hell, D. I agree with carhill. I have a theory that anyone can completely hide their personality (especially the horrible parts) for up to 3 months, depending on the amount of face time you get with them. After a period of time the facad begins to crack and you get glimpses of the real them. I think you are a beautiful person, and you deserve to be with someone who does as much for you as you do for them - including cooking YOUR scrambled eggs to order.
Author D-Lish Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 Pushing him away by ironing his ding-dang ol' pants? Um, I don't think so. Sulking over cornflakes? Get over it, ya J-A! Scrambled eggs not runny enough? What the hell, D. I agree with carhill. I have a theory that anyone can completely hide their personality (especially the horrible parts) for up to 3 months, depending on the amount of face time you get with them. After a period of time the facad begins to crack and you get glimpses of the real them. I think you are a beautiful person, and you deserve to be with someone who does as much for you as you do for them - including cooking YOUR scrambled eggs to order. I probably needed to hear that BO... It made me cry a bit, but maybe put some much needed stuff into perspective. I do look after him lots when we are together... then I gain a center and back off when we are apart. I have been doing nice thinsg for him for a while now- but it was always reciprocal. Example- he'd massage me for hours after a hard day at work... and often pays for dinner or makes me orgasm 4 times a day. The last time we were together was the first time he complained about anything. That is what is leaving me to believe he is checking out. He gave me nothing the last 2 days we spent togtether- only complaints. On MSN tonight- he was acting like an insecure child. I was with the same man for ten years... I got divorced. I was pretty selfish in that relationship. I hated that girl I was and don't want to be that girl again. Maybe I am having trouble finding a balance??? I don't know. He has always been appreciate and reciprocal until the last weird encounter when he got a bit tempermental. 2 Months is nothing... I don't know him at all. You guys know me better from this forum than he does. All I know is that it's horrible to feel sick when you like someone.
IrishCarBomb Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 He hinted and hinted in so many different ways what I was doing tonight, but didn't ask me to go out with him. We ended the conversation with him saying he was meeting his friends for a few drinks. I said "great, have fun!!"... and he responded with "I'll try... " If he's as laid-back as you've said, I'd think he felt that you'd catch his hints. Is this how you've made plans before? Further, if I said something about plans, and she said "great, have fun", it seems a pretty clear signal that she doesn't want to go along. He wasn't clear, but this response I feel made it clear that you wouldn't have wanted to go out with him that night anyways. Did that give him the impression I didn't want to go out or see him? I wouldn't say you didn't imply you didn't want to see him, but probably that you didn't want to join in with what he was doing that night. If he's going out on the town, and you want to relax, it's not that farfetched that you wouldn't want to head out. Am I giving mixed signals??? I don't think you're sending mixed signals, but they aren't the signals I think you are intending. I just don't get it. This is a complete 180 from what you've said about this guy like 2 weeks ago. Compounding those statements with your fear over your having deep feelings for him, and I think that this is just playing out as nitpicking over his behavior to start to resent him. He might not be right for you, but it's hard for me to seriously think your feelings toward him have changed so dramatically so quickly.
Trialbyfire Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 Somewhere in the middle, is where the truth lies. You're feeling vulnerable and so is he. Neither one of you knows where you stand with the other. Who's going to break the stand-off? I suspect he's just as confused and scared as you are.
Capricciosa Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 He did ask 3 times what I was doing... at one point he said he wished I was there with him... but he didn't ask me to come out with him. Is it me??? Did he want me to say I had no plans? Why am I so bad at this stuff? Sounds like he wanted to see you and was just waiting for you to pick up the ball. Sounds like he's insecure about your feelings/behavior too.
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