tmoney16 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 So I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. About six months into our relationship I discovered that he had lied to me about past relationships. It was a big deal to me then, not because of the past relationships, but because he had lied to me. I forgave him and got on with my life. Then a year and a half into our relationship he told me that he hadn't even told me all then. He had completely hidden the fact that he had sexual relations with a girl we both knew who had a boyfriend at the time. He went on to tell me that one month prior to our conversation he had contacted the girl over the internet and asked her for naked photos of her. I don't have a problem with ****, but the fact that he knew her and had been sexually involved with her made me very upset. Now he is trying to rebuild our relationship, but I don't know what to do at this point. I love him, but I don't know that I can trust him, or that he will be faithful to me. I need someone to help me, please - i don't want to dump him and lose a good relationship, but i don't want to stay in a relationship that isn't honest. He is looking into getting help and he wants to work things out. I just wanted some opinions of what people think: should I give him another chance?
Athena Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 tm, It's ALWAYS hard to know what action to take when there is betrayal of any kind in a relationship. You want to make the choice that is 'mistake-free' for your future without taking into account that the guy you are with is just a human being faced with new choices ALL the time, and he could chose something at any time that may hurt you. Now, or in the future. What remains stable is his character. Point is, you date someone until you get to KNOW them... their Character -- are they dependable? Consistent? How do they behave under stress? In the beginning ALL partners put on their 'best face'. You get to really know them over time.... their real character gets to show, whether they want it to, or not. You obviously are in love with him, but can recognize the red flags in his behavior. I would suggest you pay real close attention to these flags (the willingness to lie to you). I must say that it is promising that he came clean with you (perhaps shows a sense of uneasiness at having secrets from you, and having lied to you) but more important than that is if he will continue with lying.... if you see that it is a PATTERN in his life (to lie) then I think you should break it off. Why did he want pictures of a naked ex while he was involved with you? That sounds like another red flag to me.... did he explain himself? What made him admit this a year and a half into your relationship? Was there an incident to bring this out? How old is he? What kind of 'help' is he getting? At this point it seems like you feel you don't have enough against him to break it off with him, but here is my favorite advice: Give him some 'consequences' for having done that to you (having lied) -- tell him it has hurt you, made you lose respect for him, disappointed you, become doubtful about your future together, it broke the trust you had in him, and it really is a 'big deal'.... He has to have it in his mind that is not the way to behave with you in the future, so if that kind of behavior comes naturally to him, he has to know you will not accept that. I would caution you about spending the rest of your life with a guy who is capable of being dishonest and betraying you... but you already know this. Keep an eye on him.
jwi71 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 i don't want to dump him and lose a good relationship, but i don't want to stay in a relationship that isn't honest. How on Earth is this a good relationship ®? He is lying to you about the past. He is asking for naked photos of other women he has been intimate with - a month ago! Every time you two talk he has more revelations for you. And not good ones. He has clearly established a pattern of deceit and untrustworthy behavior. Your instincts are right. He isn't trustworthy because of what he DOES. I would leave him. Up to you though.
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Tmoney, truthfulness is wonderful and all that, but not if you’re only afforded it after the fact someone has already gone and done something dishonest. Real honesty requires more than words and heart-felt confessions --- it requires that you also live by it everyday through your actions. Sounds like your guy may still have some growing up to do. I’d probably see more potential for your future if his behavior and propensity towards being dishonest weren’t so recent. Not enough time has passed to really gauge whether or not he has taken something from this and can stick to making the changes necessary to become a more trustworthy companion and friend to you. And graciously accepting someone’s apologies over and over again (no matter how many and how sincerely they’re given) seldom inspires a person to change their bad habits. Sadly, for some folks, the motivation to do things differently only comes after suffering real-life consequences. The fact that you’ve already began to consider the implications of his behavior as it relates to your future together means that you already have a real good head on your shoulders. Listen to it and trust it ... no matter how much your heart protests to the contrary. Hearts are poor judges of character. Meanwhile, there’s nothing wrong with taking all the time you need to see how this plays out so long as you have no intentions of marrying this guy and birthing his children any time soon. At least not for the next two years. Even if he does screw up again, there’s nothing to fear from disappointment so long as you haven’t gambled away more of your time and opportunity to meet better guys than you’re willing to risk on him. There’s nothing wrong with treading carefully and leaving your options open.
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