jwi71 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Do YOU want to reconcile? Or Do YOU want a divorce? Do you even know what you want?
Reggie Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Your H sounds like a child , and you have known this for a long time, not just since the affair. He actgs on his whims while you sound grounded and more mature. I know there is some pain associated with this. But, you have probably caught a huge break here. I think you know this guy is not husband material art this time and may never be. He is immature and dishonest. He is wishy-washy ,blown about by the wind. I'd look at divorcing.
Author LiveandLearn Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 Do YOU want to reconcile? Or Do YOU want a divorce? Do you even know what you want? Honestly, no I don't know what it is I want. I still have mixed feelings about all of this. My heart wants to reconcile, but my brain is telling me "NO, don't do it". Your H sounds like a child , and you have known this for a long time, not just since the affair. He actgs on his whims while you sound grounded and more mature. I know there is some pain associated with this. But, you have probably caught a huge break here. I think you know this guy is not husband material art this time and may never be. He is immature and dishonest. He is wishy-washy ,blown about by the wind. I'd look at divorcing. He is. Funny, that that is what the psychic lady told me about him too; how he needs to grow up. My father has even said that he needs to grow up, but he didn't mean it on such a deeper level. My father meant it in "he needs to stop playing with toys (i.e. remote controlled cars, video games, etc.)". Little did he know there was a lot to what he said So right now, I've just been keeping myself busy. Studying for my CSET exam that's in January. Hanging out with friends. Trying to meet new people. Trying to work on my attitude and my outlook on life. Trying to plan how I want the next 2 years of my life to go; as far as short-term goals goes.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 LIve and Learn, YOu do realize that no other woman will ever have anything you didn't with him right? He will bring the same issues into any other relationship, I mean. I know your hopes and dreams of a future with him have been shattered and that's a ton to let go of. What advice have you received from y our friends and family?
jwi71 Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 What would your H need to do in order to convince YOU he wants to reconcile and work on your M? What ACTIONS can he take to demonstrate such? What ACTIONS has he taken? Do they support or erode your M?
Author LiveandLearn Posted December 15, 2008 Author Posted December 15, 2008 LIve and Learn, YOu do realize that no other woman will ever have anything you didn't with him right? He will bring the same issues into any other relationship, I mean. I know your hopes and dreams of a future with him have been shattered and that's a ton to let go of. What advice have you received from y our friends and family? My friends pretty much tell me the usual stuff that "It'll get better", "I deserve better", and such. I haven't really talked to them much about it because I feel like I'm just becoming a broken record and I feel that I'm being a burden on them. That's how I always was. I would always try to do things by myself before asking for any help. I know people have their own sh*t to deal with without having to deal with mine. Thus me seeing a therapist on Friday (which just so happens to also be my birthday). Hah...it's my birthday gift to myself What would your H need to do in order to convince YOU he wants to reconcile and work on your M? What ACTIONS can he take to demonstrate such? What ACTIONS has he taken? Do they support or erode your M? He would definitely have to cut all ties w/ that wench. I don't know if asking him to switch jobs would be too much, especially with how the economy is going lately. But if he were to do it on his own, even better. Although, I do enjoy working at the same company w/ him (when things were good, of course); carpooling, taking lunch together, etc. He hasn't done or said anything that makes me feel like he wants to work on our M. I haven't spoken to him in over a week. When we did last talk, it was about closing our joint account, which I do not contribute money to anymore, nor do I use it. He did call me about 20 minutes ago on my work phone. I didn't answer though. I'm not going to call him back either.
Reggie Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Take care of yourself. Counseling really helps. Seems like you have done a good job realizing that this is due to his flaws and deficiencies. That is hard to do, when the trauma is so fresh. Three years out for me and divorced life is good. I can see my XW for what she is very clearly, now. SHe is really messed up and feeling some consequences. I feel fortunate that she cheated and got me out of an abusive relationship. It was so toxic, even pre-A. life is too short to waste on somenone like that.
jwi71 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 In life we must learn to judge people based on their actions and NOT their words for words are easily lies. If you are still uncertain if you want a divorce or not I would ask one thing of you. One more face to face conversation. Once more, ask him to stay and truly work on the M. What was your first gut reaction to that?
Author LiveandLearn Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 In life we must learn to judge people based on their actions and NOT their words for words are easily lies. If you are still uncertain if you want a divorce or not I would ask one thing of you. One more face to face conversation. Once more, ask him to stay and truly work on the M. What was your first gut reaction to that? My first reaction was, "No". I'm not going to ask him to work on this marriage anymore. I feel like I already have too many times before. He's made up his mind to leave this marriage. I don't want to keep subjecting myself to his rejection of this relationship/marriage. Plus, if we were to work on our marriage, I want him to come to me. He already knows where I stand. He knows I'm willing to work on us. I want his heart to be in it as well; dont' want to force something that isn't there. I have brought up getting a divorce to him. I have told him that he'll have to pay for it and do all the necessary paperwork. Is there anything wrong with me waiting for him to file for divorce, other than him taking his sweet ass time? I would just like to avoid paying for any of it, if at all possible. He's the one that wanted to leave this marriage in the first place, not me.
jwi71 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Live and Learn, You are setting yourself up for failure. Again. He won't file for divorce. I would be shocked if he did. We know this because he hasn't filed. Ever. Nor will he. Another question to you: Why would your H file for divorce? .
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