MM and another MW working out? What are the odds?

[LiveandLearn]

I was just curious how often does the relationship work out as hoped or as planned when a MM leaves for another MW. In my situation in particular, essentially my H has left me to be with a MW (there's a lot more to it of course: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t172578/, if anyone cares to read the background on my situation). The MW has not left her marriage nor does her H know about the A, but from what my H had told me a couple of months ago is that she had planned to leave her H in 2010, and she supposedly told him this before they were even having an E/PA; she's waiting until then for various reasons that I won't bother getting into. She's 11 years his senior (he's 26, she's 37) and has 4 children, I think the youngest is 4 or something. She is also his boss. None of their coworkers know. They don't even know that we've separated and the majority of them were at OUR wedding/reception, including his boss. The two just continue to sneak around behind her H's back. The A has been going on for at least 6 months (that I know of). My H and I have been married for 5 months, which I don't even count as a damn M. I think the OMW has been married for at least 10 years.

 

Anyone have any experience in situations similar to this? How did it turn out?

 

I know I shouldn't even care or even think about it, but I can't stop obsessing over it. It's all I can think of. And I know every situation is different; that no one will really know or can predict if it will work out or not. It just hurts to know that they have already made all these plans to do things together (like travel, buy a home, etc.). My H and I own a dog together who is currently staying with me. During one of our conversations he had said that he would like to take the dog once I move out of my parents house because by then he'll probably have a yard for her. And I'm just utterly hurt by this because not too long ago we were going to purchase a home together. And now they are? She hasn't even left her H yet. It just drove me insane to hear about his future plans that didn't involve me

 

P.S: I'm trying to catch up on all the abbreviations in this forum, but what does BS stand for?

[whichwayisup]

The chances of it happening are slim to none. 2010?

 

It won't work, no way..

 

BS=Betrayed spouse.

BH/BW Betrayed husband, wife..

[jwi71]

This R (relationship) will last as long as a snowflake in hell. Actually, the snowflake might last longer.

 

Truth be told, your stbxh (soon to be ex hubby) has NO R with her. None. In fact, he didn't even have an R with YOU.

 

At least be glad that your stbxh has shown his true colors and you can move on and find a man who actually loves YOU.

 

Don't hate them - pity them.

 

You want revenge? OK. Live and be happy.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I know you are hurt and angry and that this is monopolizing your life right now. I promise you that it will get better with time. Try... to concentrate on you... take care of you and try not to dwell on it/them anymore than you have to.

 

You are young and wonderful, do not let his indiscretions define how you see yourself. Also, and I'm not trying to be trite, be so glad this happened now, before the house and the kids ect...

 

May I ask why you haven't told the MW's H??? That I would have done immediately.

 

It doesn't matter how long their R will last. Your happiness will revolved around what y ou make of your future, not what becomes of theirs. I'm really of the same opinion as jw on that though.

[Owl]

Not only do I wonder why you've not told OW's H...why have you not exposed this affair at the workplace as well?

 

Does HER boss condone affairs in the workplace? Not likely.

 

What do YOU want to happen here? Reconciliation? Divorce? What are you doing to work towads that goal?

[LiveandLearn]

I know you are hurt and angry and that this is monopolizing your life right now. I promise you that it will get better with time. Try... to concentrate on you... take care of you and try not to dwell on it/them anymore than you have to.

 

You are young and wonderful, do not let his indiscretions define how you see yourself. Also, and I'm not trying to be trite, be so glad this happened now, before the house and the kids ect...

 

May I ask why you haven't told the MW's H??? That I would have done immediately.

 

It doesn't matter how long their R will last. Your happiness will revolved around what y ou make of your future, not what becomes of theirs. I'm really of the same opinion as jw on that though.

 

You're right. I do need to concentrate on myself. It's just hard to do that since we all work in the same building, just different floor. So every time I come into work, it's all that I think about. Thus me coming onto these forums to help ease my mind. As my first step of healing, I have made my first therapy appointment for next week. I'm looking forward to it.

 

Trust me, I have thought about notifying her H. I tried to somehow find his contact info but with no such luck. Then after awhile I just left it alone. I figured their A will unfold on its own and it definitely won't be pretty. Plus, I knew my reasons for letting him know were not genuine. I do believe he has the right to know, but my main reason was to just sabotage my H's and the MW's relationship. Hell, I even considered notifying HR about their manager/employee relationship. But I don't want to cause even more drama or have any more part in all this mess. And it wouldn't sit well with me knowing she has children and she'll probably get fired, as my H might as well too. I know it's not my fault, but it would feel like it was my fault that she lost her job, and I don't want that on my conscious.

[LiveandLearn]

Not only do I wonder why you've not told OW's H...why have you not exposed this affair at the workplace as well?

 

Does HER boss condone affairs in the workplace? Not likely.

 

What do YOU want to happen here? Reconciliation? Divorce? What are you doing to work towads that goal?

 

As of right now, I did/do want to reconcile w/ my H, but only for the right reason. When we first separated and he came back his reasons seemed genuine, but as the month went on, I come to find that they weren't as genuine as I had hoped and wanted. I'm still not exactly sure why I want to reconcile w/ him. I do still love and care for him. I don't know. It's hard to let go of the familiar....It's just too overwhelming.

[2sure]

I have read all of your posts and it seems evident your head is in the right place and you are on track. I completely understand your reasons for not contacting the other BS...but have to admit that you seem the one & only person capable of doing the right thing here (unfortunately).

 

He should be told, your motivations at this point are not really important.

Your H and his W are and have been making decisions that affect your life and his. You had a right to know and his is even more important because they have kids.

[LiveandLearn]

I have read all of your posts and it seems evident your head is in the right place and you are on track. I completely understand your reasons for not contacting the other BS...but have to admit that you seem the one & only person capable of doing the right thing here (unfortunately).

 

He should be told, your motivations at this point are not really important.

Your H and his W are and have been making decisions that affect your life and his. You had a right to know and his is even more important because they have kids.

 

I know what you say is true. I don't even know how to go about getting into contact with her H. I'm realizing that I have a major co-dependency issue regarding my H. I think that's another reason why I won't tell the workplace or (if I could) the OW's H; I don't want him to be upset with me. I have issues

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Everyone has issues honey, it's great that you are going to see someone to help you sort it all out. Self reflection and self improvement are good things!

[In Like Flynn]

Every study I have read the number in the low single digits to survive 5 years. But everybody thinks they are the exceptions....until proven otherwise.

[Trimmer]

Well, first of all, good for you for getting into some counseling. It's admittedly not for everyone, but I think the fact that you're looking forward to going, i.e. looking forward to getting something out of it, puts you in a good position to do exactly that.

 

As far as "the odds," I agree with you that every situation is its own, unique thing, and you can't predict. However, consider this: even a "normal" relationship (unattached-boy-meets-unattached-girl, etc...) runs up against obstacles, pressures, and difficulties, and you can't really tell how things will be long-term until all the short-term obstacles have settled out, right?

 

Well, your H and his MW are basing their short term decisions (leaving their marriages) on long-term plans of creating a relationship together. I'm sure that they feel like star-crossed lovers right now - that they are pulling together through obstacles, etc. - but you and I know that there are even more obstacles to come. The inevitable revelation of their affairs to family and work, stress of divorce, etc.

 

And while right now, in the throes of their exciting, secret affair, they may be able to feel like "it's us against them", these other stresses which will come later may not be so unifying - they will seriously test loyalties.

 

So I think it's safe to say that the stresses and obstacles which they will have to surmount will be significant, and are still to come.

 

And after all that is another reality that is currently hidden, dominated by the emotion of the affair and everything surrounding it: eventually the day-to-day reality of just simply living with this other person becomes the issue. No longer fueled by the passion, secrecy, and illicit nature of the affair, will they be satisfied with each other once life settles down again?

 

So while I can't give you odds, I would say that they are facing some huge obstacles that they don't even see yet.

[2sure]

Hey - its is easy for us both to admit telling the OW H is the right, moral, and best thing to do...but I would have a problem with it for the same reason. Still, for the reasons I said it should be done. Someone here should do the right thing. Maybe not you not right now.

 

YOU are wonderful. I can tell. Regardless of your broken heart, you sound like someone who is in fact moving on. You are going to be OK. This horrible experience is going to be incorporated and absorbed into your life.

You are going to prepared and have a lot offer the next relationship.

 

When you live through this - you will never be the victim again.

[Trimmer]

My H and I have been married for 5 months, which I don't even count as a damn M.

Just wanted to add: I think I would feel the same way about this, too.

[LiveandLearn]

Thanks everyone for all the kind and encouraging words. It's definitely helping me steer clear from trailing off to the dark side of things. It just kills me that they're off doing their thing, and I'm here, by my lonesome. He had told me that it's hard on him too; that it's not like he's out there having the time of his life, but he 'knows' that us separating is for the best. Yeah, I'm sure if she were SINGLE, he'd change his tune. Make it seem like he's "sad" about us, but in actuality he's probably just sad that he can't be with her the way he wants to be....

 

Gosh darnit, get out of my thoughts

 

Sorry, i just need to vent...

[Athena]

Live&Learn,

 

One way to find contact information on MW's H is to google White Pages http://www.whitepages.com/ with her name and last name, or try pipl search: http://www.pipl.com/

 

There should be an address and home phone number there for her. Sometimes they list family members too. This is free.

 

I think you should tell her H. I understand you don't want to tell HR about the R but at least let the MW's H know what he is really dealing with.... if you stand back and allow her to deceive him for the next year, shame on you.

 

As Edmund Burke said, ‘All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing’

Also, even the Law says that if you have information on a crime and don't step forward with it, then you are guilty of aiding and abetting it.... don't be part of their plot to destroy two marriages.

Let him know so that he can choose whether to be with his W for the next year of his life!!!!!

[LiveandLearn]

No phone number, just a house address. I don't think I have it in me to drive out to their home....

[Athena]

Edmund Burke was a British statesman and philosopher from the 1700's.

[Athena]

Well, phone 411 (info) and give her name and address, and ask for a home telephone number. I don't know if you got her H's name? Perhaps you can get his cell phone number... cellphone.addresses.com offers a service where you provide a street address and they give you the cell phone number. You can google "get cell phone numbers" and do a search. BTW be sure you don't call HER cell phone and in any event don't leave a voice mail, get a male voice on the line.

 

If her home number is unpublished, then consider sending a letter to him with just the basic info that his W is having an affair with your H and your phone number( I would type his name on the label -- do not put your name and address on the return address, do not handwrite his name and address as she might intercept the letter). Then it is up to HIM to call you for more info.

 

Would you be willing to do that for him?

[LiveandLearn]

Well, phone 411 (info) and give her name and address, and ask for a home telephone number. I don't know if you got her H's name? Perhaps you can get his cell phone number... cellphone.addresses.com offers a service where you provide a street address and they give you the cell phone number. You can google "get cell phone numbers" and do a search. BTW be sure you don't call HER cell phone and in any event don't leave a voice mail, get a male voice on the line.

 

If her home number is unpublished, then consider sending a letter to him with just the basic info that his W is having an affair with your H and your phone number( I would type his name on the label -- do not put your name and address on the return address, do not handwrite his name and address as she might intercept the letter). Then it is up to HIM to call you for more info.

 

Would you be willing to do that for him?

 

I do know his name. I'm kinda scared of this somehow blowing up in my face if I get in touch with her H

[Reggie]

As you read more on this subject, you will see that exposure is the preeminent tool used to break the affair and a step toward reconciliation, if the is the route you want to go with this. As , others have mentioned, it is also the right thing to do for her husband. Right now, he is being exposed to your husband's entire sexual past and he may exposed to STD's. Chances are that if your H is doing this now, he has in the past with other people. Someone with your H's values may have an extensive sexual history and the woman's husband needs to protect himself.

 

You can fully expect that when you expose, yur H will be furious and start making all kinds of accusations and threats. Among these are the typical proclamations that now you have destroyed all chances of reconciliation, that you have hurt innocent people, and that you are vindictive.

Analyze all these threats and you will see they have no merit. There is a script these folks follow and it is amazing how similar all the reactions to exposure are initially.

Best to simply remain calm and either not respond or give some non-commital response like " sorry you feel that way" or "that's interesting" etc.

You cannot debate with a cheater when he is in this mind-altered state.

Best chance of ending this affair(and it should be done regardless of reconiliation prospects. Her kids are facing this and their dad needs to protect them , as well.) is to make them start feeling the consequences of their actions.

 

I would not hesitate to talk to HR at work, either. They may not want to get involved. But, with a boss/employee situation they may as they may have some liability.

Stop shielding them from the consequences. They have hurt many other people without regard for the pain they have brought. Your h and this woman are instrumental in hurting kids and two innocent spopuses. They deserve to feel some consequences.

As to your initial question, re the chances of success, I've seen this scenario play out in both my XW's affair and with many others. Your h has no idea what he has gotten himself into. She has 4 kids, right? They will never accept him. Her family, if they are decent, willl not accept him. Peers and co-workers will joke about them and gossip about them.

I would bet a years salary that this will never work out, as it should not. It was born out of deceit and has no solid foundation. Let the light of dau shine on it and it will shrivel even faster.

[jwi71]

I do know his name. I'm kinda scared of this somehow blowing up in my face if I get in touch with her H

 

Seeing as you want to try and save your M(arriage), you have got to ACT.

And I mean more than posting here.

 

Affairs can only live in secrecy and darkness...they're like vampires. And like vampires, they die in the light.

 

So blow the lid off this.

 

TELL EVERYONE.

 

Tell your boss, tell his boss, tell HR, tell her H, tell your family and friends, tel your H's family and friends, tell your pastor, his pastor, tell the world. You have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, you will be well received as a woman fighting for her M. By everyone.

 

Step two is get a lawyer. Not to file for a D(ivorce) but to learn the legal landscape. To have a legal advocate on your side. It also will help blunt in any nasty "legal" threats your H may make during a heated argument.

 

Demand MC.

 

Demand your H go NC with her. Take his cell phone, his PC and any other means to communicate with her. He has proven untrustworthy and if he would like those back he has to earn it. Or leave. His choice.

 

But the first you do is tell the world.

[2sure]

Live&Learn -

 

Over the weekend I thought of you. I'm glad Reggie posted the reason the other husband needs to be made aware of his families precarious circumstance. I had encouraged you to tell him, but didnt really say why it might be important for you to do so.

 

You mentiom that you are still open to reconciliation with your husband. It isnt impossible. But the first step to that IS exposing the affair. You will read her many many different and individual scenerios , but you will also read that for those marriages attempting reconciliation - exposure is key. Its the ONLY thing that has the affect of breaking the affair so that you have a window of opportunity to repair your marriage.

 

Even if it "backfires" on you - and your H ends up angry - what have you to lose?

[LiveandLearn]

Tell your boss, tell his boss, tell HR, tell her H, tell your family and friends, tel your H's family and friends, tell your pastor, his pastor, tell the world. You have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, you will be well received as a woman fighting for her M. By everyone.

 

My friends know. One of his friends know. His family knows. My family knows. Well, my parents don't know the extent of our issue. I'm a bit hesitant to tell them. I suppose my reasoning for not telling my parents, particularly my mother, the details is because for the off chance that we do decide to reconcile, I don't want it to be awkward between him and my mother. I know how tight my mother can hold grudges. So I'm not ready to tell her yet.

 

Demand your H go NC with her. Take his cell phone, his PC and any other means to communicate with her. He has proven untrustworthy and if he would like those back he has to earn it. Or leave. His choice.

He has already moved out. He's been gone for 2 weeks now, going on 3. I've been keeping NC with him. He has done the same (sort of). I did miss a call from him yesterday, but I did not bother calling him back. He didn't leave a message so I figured it wasn't that important. And I know he never likes to leave messages anyway.

 

You mentiom that you are still open to reconciliation with your husband. It isnt impossible. But the first step to that IS exposing the affair. You will read her many many different and individual scenerios , but you will also read that for those marriages attempting reconciliation - exposure is key. Its the ONLY thing that has the affect of breaking the affair so that you have a window of opportunity to repair your marriage.

 

Even if it "backfires" on you - and your H ends up angry - what have you to lose?

 

He hasn't shown any intentions of wanting to reconcile. There are times where I thought it would probably be better that we do go our separate ways. I'm not going to lie, I do miss the man and wish things were different. But right now, it's not in his heart to make things work out with me. I don't want to force it. He has told me that he loves me, but not to the capability he knows he can love another person. Sure, it's possible that his train of thought is clouded by this "affair-fog" and I don't know what this OW tells him. I know she has a large part in his decision making. For as long as I've known him he has always had difficulty making decisions on his own. He'll always seek the advice of someone else or have someone else make his decisions. Sometimes he has the tendency to kinda "go with whatever he's feeling at the time". He's very capricious in this nature. He's a true Capricorn. After much thought, I don't know if I want to have to continually deal with that. I don't know if I want to have to deal with the idea that depending which way the wind blows, he may decide to leave me at any time because "that's what he was feeling" and he bases a lot of his decisions on his emotions and never thinks things through. I don't want that insecurity in my life. He has been that way through most of our relationship and I just kept hoping and waiting for him to change. So until he does, I guess this is the way it has to be. But by then my feelings for him might change. I don't plan on sitting here waiting for him to figure sh*t out. As of right now, he's made up his mind and wants a life with her. Is he regretting his decision yet? I have no idea. Probably not.

 

Before he moved out and we were having this long winded discussion/argument about the OW. He had said to me; well he had said a lot of things that still stick with me; that if the shoe was on the other foot and SHE had asked him to not talk to me, he would have no problem doing that. That just really put me in my place. I remember asking him why he even came back in the first place when we first went through this separation, he told me that one of his reasons was that he was confused (I think he still is); she was this "fantasy life" that he wanted, but was somewhat unattainable, and I was his "reality". He wanted to "do right" with me. He said he wasn't "ready to let me go". But that whole month he was back was just pure bullsh*t.

 

Oh, and to further exemplify his "capriciousness", that night he decided he wanted to come talk to me and try to work things out, he had talked to the OW. He told me he had told the OW that he was gonna try to work things out with me, and to be honest, he was hoping that she would stop him and tell him not to. But she didn't. I asked him what if she did? And he said he probably most likely wouldn't have come over that night. He's just one big frustration. Sometimes he'll say things that are completely different from what he said a week ago. It just cancels out everything he says and I never know what to believe. It's like he wants to be with me one minute, then he doesn't the next. Now I'm back at work and that depression starts to kick in

 

Bah, sorry for going off on a tangent...

[lkjh]

Your H is a complete tool! Once the OW H finds out she will drop him and he will come running back. Do not give in its only been 5 months and he is already acting like a punk. Tell your family and friends because otherwise he will try and turn it on you later. Go over to the OW's house and tell her H, she will be singing a different tune really fast. She will throw your H under the bus and make her self out to be a victim.