Sheenajunglequeen Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I'm living with a guy, we love each other, seldom fight, we live in happy harmony. The problem is that I don't believe in marriage, nor am I ready for kids. What I really need is a home, living in his rented bachelor pad makes it impossible to receive guests or be too ambitious with anything, there's no space. We don't have money problems, he's just got cold feet. Now after three years of this I'm being transferred to another country. I'm going because at this point I feel that I need to protect my career. Is this the end?
Geishawhelk Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Well, it would be classed as a LDR.... (Long Distance Relationship)... Whether it works or not, is upt to the commitment you two guys have for one another. Desire is Natural. Fidelity is a Choice. How long are you going for? Would he be able to join you?
Author Sheenajunglequeen Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 I'm leaving for an initial six months, during which time I'm supposed to learn the language and then we'll see. He was supposed to come with me provided we negotiated that I make the equivalent of his salary and mine. That's a bit of a jump 'cause he makes more than me to begin with. + I don't feel like its fair to the people I work for and as much as I love him, I don't feel like 'keeping' him. I would never ask that of him for me. So nix that idea, my salary as it stands is fine. He mentioned visiting in the spring. Having done long distance, I can tell you that I hate it.
BikerBeagle Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Sounds like you have already made up your mind. What was the question again?
Geishawhelk Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 May I ask where you'll be working? Country-wise? I lived in France for 6 years.....
carhill Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 The problem is that I don't believe in marriage, nor am I ready for kids. What I really need is a home, living in his rented bachelor pad makes it impossible to receive guests or be too ambitious with anything, there's no space. We don't have money problems, he's just got cold feet. OK, you don't believe in M or K and he has cold feet about .....what? Buying a home? How would that help, if you're going away? It sounds like you'd be doing that anyway. Is this a test? Why can't you buy a home and stay, if that's what you want?
Author Sheenajunglequeen Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 OK Geishawelk, alors tu parles français, c'est cool I'm living in Quebec now and I learned French well enough to be functional at work to ensure that I could stick around this guy. Now I'm moving to Taipei, so I'll be learning mandarin. To answer carhill. Quebec is the only place in the world where marriage is not customary. So good thing I've decided that marriage isn't important, 'cause my guy isn't having any of it and I can't really blame him. About the home. I've been bugging him about it for oh, 2.5 years. I've saved up the downpayment and then some. He says he wants a place, but for the past 2.5 years nothing that he's seen suits him. He doesn't want to build. I've accepted moving to hick nowhere where people hate immigrants but the houses are bigger and cheaper, just to be with this guy. I work in international development. I've told this guy loud and clear that it's not the kind of career that is easy to keep in one place and if anything were to happen and I'd need to move to preserve my job, it would take one half hour flat to pack my one suitcase and I'm gone. If I had something to hold me down, maybe it would give me the courage to try and do something else. So I'm leaving, and he seems perfectly happy with doing the long distance thing. But I'm kind of disappointed that things got this far.
carhill Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 OP, IMO, set the bar for yourself, not someone else. You need to go with your first and best instinct, and that is apparently that you love working in international development and traveling the world and living in many different places. If you could do that and still have a "home base" in your current locale, would you do that, regardless of him? What I'm trying to get at is to make decisions that are positive for you and not a test of someone else. His lack of passion wrt this dynamic is an answer but IMO should not be the pivotal question
Author Sheenajunglequeen Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 What I'm trying to get at is to make decisions that are positive for you and not a test of someone else. Wisely put. I like that Thanx.
Geishawhelk Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Oui, je parle bien le francais seulement que mon clavier n'a pas tous les accents! Mandarin, eh? Sounds like a challenge! Good for you! What a culture change that will be! In addition to Carhill's excellent advice (as ever!) I once read some very good advice. Consider the factors in all scenarios, and decide which would give you pleasure, and what may bring you happiness. Pleasure is a transitory state of being, whilst Happiness is a long-term goal.... True, the latter may appear less appealing, because it involves more work, and not necessarily immediately rewarding or productive. it may involve more effort on your part. But ultimately, it's waht would bring you the greater peace of mind.
Author Sheenajunglequeen Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Hmm. Also excellent advice. Sometimes tough to follow, though. Thanks to both of you. Best.
D-Jam Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Sheenajunglequeen, I think your career means more to you than your love life, which is ok. Nothing wrong with that. I think that is most of the reason you don't believe in marriage or children, so you can up and leave when you want. I also think that with this guy, he's more convenient for you than anything else. I might be misunderstanding, but you want to get a home, like a house or condo, with this guy...but you don't want to marry him. A lot of your words more make me think that you don't want to lose him because you fear you won't find that level of compatibility with anyone else. Personally, I agree with others that it's over. I know if my GF asked me down the road to leave Chicago, then it would depend on where she wanted to go. If I liked the location and could earn an income there, then I'd try it. However, if it's someplace I don't want to live, and/or I can't work there in my career field, then I'd rather let her go and be happy in her professional life than to give it up for me. You seem to love your career more...which is fine. So stay devoted to that love then and do what makes you happy in life.
Author Sheenajunglequeen Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Hi D-Jam. I suppose I should clarify, If my guy fell on his head and asked my hand in marriage, I would consider it seriously. But it's not socially expected around here and it isn't something I need. If my guy were to say, ok lets move out of my bachelor pad and be a couple with a home that might one day hold a family, then absolutely, I would drop the work that makes me happy and find another way to be employed that would keep me closer to home. He knows that. But after 3 years I've given up on that. The question now is whether or not to try the long-distance thing as he wants in the hopes that over the next six months, he decides that he wants to move out of his blasted bachelor pad after all?
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