blinded Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I haven't been posting lately. When I did post, I always referred to him as MM. Technically he isn't married. They have been living together for years. I knew that eventually he would marry. But actually hearing the words that he bought the ring hurt so much. He's planning to ask at Christmas... I feel like a dead man walking. We've always known that we weren't going to leave our partners. I guess you could categorize our affair as a FWB situation. I've heard many times that you shouldn't get messed up with those affairs b/c it always ends badly. Well, just add another one to the books I haven't been w/many people in my life. In fact, other than my first, he's it and he knows it. So I feel emotionally retarted when dealing with this. I am conflicted. I know that I should be focusing on my family and my life. I knew it was temporary. I want him to be happy. But why does my heart ache for someone who's not mine? I feel rejected and not good enough. As of now, he still wants things to stay the same. He wants to continue contact. Emotionally I can't do that. I told him already that I'm tired of trying to get his attention. I'm tired of being taken for granted and assuming I'll always be here. He gets upset and turns it around and says I do the same thing. ARGH! All I know is that I'm confused and sad. I wish I could freeze time. Either that or fast foward past this.
me4u2 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I agree with you, you can't do that for several obvious reasons. And to top it off, once he does get engaged the bliss from his engagement will be prevalent. I'm curious as to why you continue this relationship since it isn't giving you any happiness. When I read OM/OW stories, I see some sort of happiness, dysfunctional as it is, but still I see it.
noforgiveness Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Wow nice guy. Gives a woman a ring and proposes marriage while asking to continue screwing another woman. Is this really the type of person you want to associate with? Tell his fiance that when he proposed to her he also proposed to keep screwing you. That will end all problems. He will either be yours, oh joy, or he will end it with you and tell fiance you are crazy.
Author blinded Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 I don't know. I know I should stop things. I guess it's out of habit. I'm used to the calls, emails, etc. I know I'm missing something in my life because if I weren't I wouldn't have been w/him to begin with. It is making me unhappy. I just have to stand up for myself and say so. I worry that I would hurt him. Isn't it funny, I'm suffering emotionally and all I can think about is if he's hurt. I need some therapy.
Author blinded Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Wow nice guy. Gives a woman a ring and proposes marriage while asking to continue screwing another woman. Is this really the type of person you want to associate with? Tell his fiance that when he proposed to her he also proposed to keep screwing you. That will end all problems. He will either be yours, oh joy, or he will end it with you and tell fiance you are crazy. I have a sneaky suspicion that I'd be the crazy one. I'm sure he'd throw me under the bus if it ever came to light. I know that he promised not to hurt me, etc. But those are just words.
me4u2 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I don't know. I know I should stop things. I guess it's out of habit. I'm used to the calls, emails, etc. I know I'm missing something in my life because if I weren't I wouldn't have been w/him to begin with. It is making me unhappy. I just have to stand up for myself and say so. I worry that I would hurt him. Isn't it funny, I'm suffering emotionally and all I can think about is if he's hurt. I need some therapy. That's exactly what it is, a habit coupled with the fact that you are missing something within yourself that you feel compelled to get that from him or an outside source. Listen, you aren't going to hurt him....he is proposing to someone else. If you were under his skin and able to hurt him, he wouldn't be proposing. You need to get this guy out of the picture and work on your own happiness.
frannie Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Well, got to agree with noforgiveness about... well, how can he be planning on marrying someone while still seeing an OW on the side? Yeah, I know it's not unheard of, but even so. When you know that about him, how could you ever trust him if it were you? ... why does my heart ache for someone who's not mine? I feel rejected and not good enough. ... I'm tired of trying to get his attention. I'm tired of being taken for granted and assuming I'll always be here. ... I guess it's out of habit. ... I worry that I would hurt him. Isn't it funny, I'm suffering emotionally and all I can think about is if he's hurt. I need some therapy. Just highlighting some of the things you've said in your last couple of posts here, blinded. I think you're right, some counselling would definitely help. I think it would be good for you to look at why you're more worried about his feelings than your own, why you continue to engage in something that hurts you so much and makes you feel so unwanted. Somewhere in there is a pattern, and a clue. You know, probably about old habits that you learnt long ago and you feel compulsively tied to. It's not so much about him, but about you, I think. And I think counselling will help you to get to the bottom of it and start to make better decisions for yourself.
noforgiveness Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I have a sneaky suspicion that I'd be the crazy one. I'm sure he'd throw me under the bus if it ever came to light. I know that he promised not to hurt me, etc. But those are just words. every single day he talks with you and goes home to her he is hurting you. He is also killing any self esteem you have left. You don't deserve to be second. His promises mean nothing. He just promised marriage with someone while having a girlfriend. Dump him. He deserves to be hurt. Stand tall and proud.
Author blinded Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 every single day he talks with you and goes home to her he is hurting you. He is also killing any self esteem you have left. You don't deserve to be second. His promises mean nothing. He just promised marriage with someone while having a girlfriend. Dump him. He deserves to be hurt. Stand tall and proud. It's easier said than done. I know that in the long run it would be better if I were the one to end things on my terms. But w/the holidays coming up, I don't know how to do that. Just cut off communication? That sounds so harsh and I don't think I can do that.
Author blinded Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Somewhere in there is a pattern, and a clue. You know, probably about old habits that you learnt long ago and you feel compulsively tied to. It's not so much about him, but about you, I think. And I think counselling will help you to get to the bottom of it and start to make better decisions for yourself. I live most of my life as a facade. I always thought of myself as not good enough or not deserving of certain things. I claim that I don't care about what other people think, when in actually I really do. I want to fit in, I want to be accepted. He's just one more person that I somehow added on my list for approval. Gosh that sounds pathetic even as I write it.
noforgiveness Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 It's easier said than done. I know that in the long run it would be better if I were the one to end things on my terms. But w/the holidays coming up, I don't know how to do that. Just cut off communication? That sounds so harsh and I don't think I can do that. Yes you can. He deserves harsh. Don't you think you knowing he bought a ring is HARSH? Perfect time with the holidays coming. Single men everywhere shopping for a gift for their mom or sister. Perfect time to meet the perfect someone. Hit the malls. Smile and be confident. Get make up done st the cosmetic counter and have fun. FEEL GOOD. He does not deserve two women. You deserve to be happy. Just think you could have a date for new years eve.
Author blinded Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Yes you can. He deserves harsh. Don't you think you knowing he bought a ring is HARSH? I want to say to him, "so you bought her a ring, what did you get me?" I know that will stump b/c we never exchange any type of gift. Which is stupid b/c even my friends, I get them something small for their birthday. But in reality I in his eyes I am less than a friend. omg someone help my out of this pity party
noforgiveness Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I want to say to him, "so you bought her a ring, what did you get me?" I know that will stump b/c we never exchange any type of gift. Which is stupid b/c even my friends, I get them something small for their birthday. But in reality I in his eyes I am less than a friend. omg someone help my out of this pity party You are not blinded anymore are you? Dump him with as much pride as you can muster. Tell him to never contact you again. Tell him if he does you will contact his finace. Tell him you are done. Then go out and treat yoursself to something special instead of misery. I think you will feel better when you are not being taken advantage of.
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 We've always known that we weren't going to leave our partners. Bottomline is, now he's getting married, in your mind he was "just" living with her and there was no real committment even though they've been together for so long. It's time to take that big step back and end it. Focus on getting help, counselling and fixing your marriage, focussing on your own life, being part of your family and putting them first.
noforgiveness Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I missed the part that you're married.:mad::mad: I thought you were some poor girl being taken advantage of but your just another cheater screwing over your husband.
Author blinded Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 I missed the part that you're married.:mad::mad: I thought you were some poor girl being taken advantage of but your just another cheater screwing over your husband. I'm sorry. But I did write that we both had partners. I also stated that I needed to focus on my family. I know, you're probably thinking I deserve this. I guess it's called karma. Even though, I admit that I need therapy.
noforgiveness Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 good luck. you'll really need therapy if your husband finds out. what you are doing is cruel and heartless.
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 The pain you're feeling now, try putting yourself in your husband's shoes and imagine HIS pain when he finds out you've been living a double life, lying and deceiving him. Yes, therapy can help you be the woman you were years ago before the A started, when life was simple, you had one focus on your mind, your family. Don't want to kick you while you're down but it's time to stop being selfish and start putting your partner first. The other guy is going on with his life, you both used eachother, filled in needs, whatever - But now it's over, it has to be.
wildsoul Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I'm sorry. But I did write that we both had partners. I also stated that I needed to focus on my family. I know, you're probably thinking I deserve this. I guess it's called karma. Even though, I admit that I need therapy. This isn't karma. It's the inevitable conclusion of a bad choice. No judgement. As with all of us who've had A's, at some point you saw this as one of the possibilities, but rationalized your way past it. Now the bill is due. The very best thing you can do is look at his engagement as a red-light. Time to stop the affair and let go now. If you think it hurts now, it will hurt a thousand times more going forward! You're not the first person to be in this situation. As you know, you need to end it with him and sort yourself out. Therapy is a must-do! However, you might also look into Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) which is a free resource. Everyone there understands how hard it is to stop contact with someone you're hooked on. It's also a safe place (like here) where you can talk about the fact that you've also got a husband.
Trimmer Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 It's easier said than done. I know that in the long run it would be better if I were the one to end things on my terms. But w/the holidays coming up, I don't know how to do that. Just cut off communication? That sounds so harsh and I don't think I can do that. Ask youself if it's any more harsh than his continuing to actively pursue a side relationship with you at the very same moment as he is proposing marriage to his partner. Ask yourself it it is any more harsh than you having a side relationship when you have a partner and a family that deserves your energy and attention. Cutting him off is the least harsh of those images, as at least it has some chance of setting you on the path toward healing and redemption...
LakesideDream Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Blinded, I hope I didn't miss your point. I hear that you are feeling sad and lonely, came here to post about those things that are hurting you. I understand your feelings, and have felt them. The fact that both you and your "boyfriend" have made bad choices, continuing the FWB's thing (which you knew was more) isn't going to go very far in soothing your raw feelings. Like everyone you will mourn losing someone you love. From reading the previous posts it seems that feeling empathy isn't in the holiday spirit this year. I know exactly how you are feeling, I have felt the same feelings of emptyness and remorse you are going through. Occasionally, much less frequently I still feel it. It's not nice. It's not the way to begin your day. It's not what we want to feel about as we close our eyes to go to sleep. Take some solice in the reality that with time it will pass. Maybe you can redouble your efforts in your marriage? Maybe it's something you have to feel alone. Try not to make others pay for the end of your relationship with MM, you could do damage that can't be undone. Most of all, dust yourself off. Know that by chosing to end your relationship with your soon to be married man is the right thing to do, and try to enjoy the other parts of your life that are fun and healthy.
frannie Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 I live most of my life as a facade. I always thought of myself as not good enough or not deserving of certain things. I claim that I don't care about what other people think, when in actually I really do. I want to fit in, I want to be accepted. He's just one more person that I somehow added on my list for approval. Gosh that sounds pathetic even as I write it. omg someone help my out of this pity party It's OK to feel what you're feeling, don't beat yourself up about it. You actually need to feel MORE love for yourself, and not less, in my opinion. You're really right when you say counselling would help you, because what you're feeling is so common. All these bad choices are coming out of this feeling that you're not good enough and feeling that you're not accepted. If you can get to the bottom of that you'll feel so much better. It's not all about this man at all. You can look inside yourself and find the answers, honestly.
LakesideDream Posted December 13, 2008 Posted December 13, 2008 It's a terrible situation you are in. Why not use the time until the new year to try and figure out what you really want to do? Hopefully it will be an honorable choice. I'm posting because of your thread title. I know the feeling of being "So Sad", I felt that for a couple of years, every day, many hours a day. It's devistating and colors your whole life. Do what you need to, to end the saddness. Waiting for time to take it away is a long, sad process. Good luck, and..... Go do the right thing!
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