indianlover Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 OK - advice from y'all So I've been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks and things are going really well. We go out 2-3 nights a week, talk on the phone every night, and have a lot in common. So here's the catch; he's leaving to go home for a month and says he can't be a good boyfriend over the long distance (1000 miles, international) so taking a break might be best. Based on my previous experience I'm also against long distance relationships. Plus we haven't been dating that long so its weird to not see each other for a month. But I'm just not sure how to approach the situation. We still need to fully discuss the break and our feelings before he leaves. From what we have discussed so far: he says that he considers me his best friend and things romantically are very good. However he is is open to seeing other people while we're on this break and as a result also promises to give full-disclosure. I understand that that is a "break." What I'm not sure of is if that also means he's not that serious about me. Complication: there is another guy that has come into my life recently and asked me out. If I date him, I'll be open about it to guy #1 but its feels weird to me. So I'm wondering: should I "break up" without thoughts of getting back together (with the other guy) or "break" with thoughts of seeing each other again? Anyone been burned by a similar situation? Thanks!
jason83 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Even though 6 weeks isn't that long, it's still a month and a half. 4 weeks apart certainly isn't THAT long of a time for a "long distance relationship" and is less time than you have currently been together. I say that if this guy were serious about you, a "break" wouldn't even be a topic. It would be a "I'm sorry but I hope you understand that with it being the holiday season, I'm going to be heading home to be with my family. I promise to call and I can't wait to see you when I get back!" type of a thing. Is there someone at home he's wanting to reconnect with? Personally I just think that if he were serious about the two of you, he'd work at it more
Author indianlover Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Even though 6 weeks isn't that long, it's still a month and a half. 4 weeks apart certainly isn't THAT long of a time for a "long distance relationship" and is less time than you have currently been together. I say that if this guy were serious about you, a "break" wouldn't even be a topic. It would be a "I'm sorry but I hope you understand that with it being the holiday season, I'm going to be heading home to be with my family. I promise to call and I can't wait to see you when I get back!" type of a thing. Is there someone at home he's wanting to reconnect with? Personally I just think that if he were serious about the two of you, he'd work at it more Frankly I don't know if there is someone at home -but yes I was thinking something along those lines too and was going to bring it up. His ex isn't in his hometown at least. He got out of a long term relationship (4 yrs) a few months ago and tends to move at a slow pace in romance and life. (We didn't kiss until week 2 and date 4). I think its weird to give an ultamatum after only 6 weeks (you know stay together or break up)...so any advice on an alternative? Thanks!
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Don't stop your life because you met someone you like that isn't giving you the thumbs up for a comittment!! I am in the same boat. Dating someone in Canada on a visa for about 2 months and he still wishes to take off and experience more of our fine country. He does plan on coming back to my hood and wants to keep things open between us, but I refuse to "wait" around. If someone else has come into your life, go out with him. You have nothing to lose, and owe this guy NO disclosure about anything. Until you are comitted- full disclosure is complicated and might be hurtful to both of you to see one another in a month and have to hear you've slept with or dated other people. Trust me- my guy is huge on full disclosure. I found bobby pins all over his apartment a week after we started dating and he disclosed he had been with someone else that he didn't care about or like but thought being honest with me was cool. I still have reservations and issues with him because of this. I'd say if you plan on taking a break- let it be a break. When he comes back, then you can re-assess things. Imagine how it would affect your early relationship to hear he slept with someone when he went back home or vise-versa. Until things are official between you, go about your own life and have fun. If he's not going to commit- fine- he risks the chance of losing you. That's his risk. Date the other guy, you have nothing to lose.
Author indianlover Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 Thanks Dlish I guess that was something else that was weird - he was the one saying full disclosure, but you're right what's the point if we're not commited? It does seem like he wants me to wait around. Somethings have changed since we had an intial discussion a few weeks ago - he signed off of the dating website we met on and he became more positive about us. He was initially concerned about dating me because I wasn't Canadian and he wants to end up there, but I told him if we get serious (in the distant future) I'd be open to going with him. We haven't discussed since because he has finals. Tomorrow we will discuss. What should I say? This is what i'm thinking: Discuss feelings, where we see the relationship going, the break - is there someone in particular he is thinking of dating, maybe not take a break? returning and expectations (ie: a serious relationship) Am I leaving anything out?
Author indianlover Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 So here is an interesting take on the situation. One of my girlfriends says, 'why not keep him around? He treats you well and its like hedging your bets. 'So he's not that into you, as long as you make it clear to him that he is a boy toy (and you are seeing other people) until he makes a commitment or until you find something better. AND don't stop seeing other people.' Thoughts?
AlektraClementine Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 If he's the one that suggested the break, agree to it. Go out with the other guy in the mean time. When I first started dating my current boyfriend (who travels a lot), he took a month long trip to Indonesia and Australia about 2 months into the relationship. We weren't interested in seeing other people so we kept the relationship going during that time and relied on IM, emails, and skype to remain as close as possible. So distance really has nothing to do with staying close in the relationship. But, if he has suggested a break and you have someone else waiting in the wings, go for it and be cool about it with the current guy. He will appreciate that and you should appreciate his candor. It would suck if he lead you on and then went on this trip and did something unsavory.
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Him taking down his dating profile is a good sign! I wouldn't ask him any questions about intentions with regard to dating others. Just play it cool with him. Men are attracted to fun, easy going girls and rarely like being put on the spot with questions (they see it as pressure). Trust me, the cooler you are, the more easy going you are, the more he will see you as different from other women. That will be the factor that keeps you on the top of his list, and before long, the only one on his list. Continue to treat him with respect and have fun with him until he leaves. Allow him to bring up the relationship talk. The more you don't bring it up, the more he will wonder why and will end up bringing it up on his own (which is what you want). If he leaves and things are left on a high note between you, he'll truly miss you while he is gone. Women tend to develop deeper feelings while spending time with their partner. Men discover their true feelings in our absence by missing us. Don't change how you interact with him. Treating him like a boy toy might push him away or cause him to lose respect for you. It's better to just have some mystery about you. I find that the less I bring up relationship talk and intentions, the more inclined the guy is to do so himself. While he is away, just live your life as you normally would. Have fun with your friends and see other men. He has no right to know what you do when he isn't around if he isn't making a comittment, so I see no need to tell him anything. Let him know you hope he has a great time on his trip (no sulking or pouting upon his departure). Before he knows it, he won't be thinking about seeing other women, he'll only be thinking of getting back to you.
AlektraClementine Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 DLish.. you are dead on. Right or wrong...perhaps a little gaming in your suggestions.. doesn't matter. This is what men respond to the best. Experience doesn't lie.
Gremio Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 So here is an interesting take on the situation. One of my girlfriends says, 'why not keep him around? He treats you well and its like hedging your bets. 'So he's not that into you, as long as you make it clear to him that he is a boy toy (and you are seeing other people) until he makes a commitment or until you find something better. AND don't stop seeing other people.' Thoughts? I think differently than most. I feel that if you truly care for him and he cares for you, you shouldn't see anyone else. Attachment can happen, peoples emotions get involved, and I gaurantee someone will get hurt. LDRs won't work, particularly in your case. The man even said he wants freedom while abroad. That means he is up for anything when he gets there. I would definately say sayoonara.
Author indianlover Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 DLish.. you are dead on. Right or wrong...perhaps a little gaming in your suggestions.. doesn't matter. This is what men respond to the best. Experience doesn't lie. Thanks Dlish and AC. You're right. Just as you have to find peace with a breakup within yourself, I'll have to move on. Until then I'll show him a brillant time. When he comes back I'm sure he'll look me up and we'll see hopefully I'll be off the market. :-) Positive thinking gets me the boys and if you're right will keep 'em coming back.
Author indianlover Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 So we went out and had a great time. All night and the next morning he was saying how much he wish he could stay longer. Pretty sure he'll be coming back, but I'll have fun til then. Thanks for your advice!
Recommended Posts