vainla Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 First time posting. I really need objective opinion from both men and women. When I met my husband I was not infatuated, but he was. He showed interest in me, at that point I did not wanted to get married. I was very happy with my life just the way it was. I was very independent and loved to be able to do what I pleased. I traveled and I was happy. I felt lonely at times, but loved being with alone with my independence. Long story short, he was Mr. Right, I could not let that chance pass. He wanted respect, support, and loyalty in a relationship. He wanted to have children and raise them in a loving, safe home. He wanted a relationship that lasted forever. I have always been in relationships where infatuation was the common denominator, and I knew it doesn’t last forever. I never regret those relationships, but usually once infatuation fades out, we start to see each other imperfections a little bigger than they are. Here I thought, it was a win-win situation, because I was falling in love with my head, not with my crotch. We lived 2000 miles and I was to move across the country to be with him. I’ll skip that he had another girlfriend he was talking about marriage and kids also, without me knowing of course (long story). We got married because I got pregnant. We had good sex before that, but I have a hormonal imbalance that made my pregnancy bad and I did not wanted to have sex at all. I could not stand it. I was sick all the time, and feeling so uncomfortable I could not bear that he touched me. Besides I was gaining weight, and I used be in fabulous shape, I felt so unattractive and icky. Of course this hurt him way beyond words and has always resented me for that. Even so, he has been a wonderful husband and father. I consider him my friend and I love him dearly. However our sex disagreement has left a strong scar in our relationship. Let me tell you , I tried hard to correct for years in a many subtle ways. I tried lingerie, porno, and sex products. I have sneak aphrodisiacs in his drinks and food, I change his multivitamins for libido supplements, and even I tried the pheromones. (what a joke, that is a story worth to tell, very funny actually). I have tried all, but he rejects me. We went from having sex on Saturdays only, to every other Saturday, to once a month, to nothing. For more than three years I have tried hard to correct my problem. My Dr. put me on hormonal therapy to increase my libido. What a mistake!!! I can see why the poor guy was extremely hurt. I never pushed him or ever demanded anything, how could I? I don’t blame him, and to be honest it does not bother me anymore, like I said I have a hormonal unbalance and I can live without sex. It did hurt me that he has threatened me with physically hurting me if I touch him, but I understand. My question is can we ever be intimate again? We are considering divorce
pelicanpreacher Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Have you ever thought of having him sit down with you together with your physician so that he can hear what your problems have been from the mouth of a respected medical professional? If he has mistakenly interpreted your medical condition as a personal rejection of his overtures for intimacy then you owe it to him to clear the air on this matter in this way else you'll allow a simple lack of communication to destroy your marriage!
carhill Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 The doctor idea is a good one... Is he seeing anyone else right now? The thought did occur to me....
Author vainla Posted December 12, 2008 Author Posted December 12, 2008 He has always known of my unbalance, even before we got married, but he did not really believed it until a couple years ago. I don't think he sees anybody. he might as well, he has done it to me before, but I don't think so. He works way too much and I know where he is allmost all the time.
pelicanpreacher Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 So you all sat down with your doctor to discuss treatment options?
You'reasian Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 So you all sat down with your doctor to discuss treatment options? This could be educational if the OP will share them.
learner911 Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 It may be that he took the rejection way too personally. In my mind as a man I know I used to be very sensitive if I got rejected by my wife and if it happened over and over for a while I used to stop wanting it from her and stopped any initiation for sex. I remember at times that she would undress infront of me on purpose and I would not find her attractive (even though she was super hot) as I felt rejected. It might just be as simple as convincing your husband that you want him. (I think it's not the sex men crave from their wives but the affection it brings them) He may have deep seated beliefs that you don't want him sexually. In my man's mind feeling unwanted sexually is for a woman like being rejected romantically/emotionally by her partner. Your husband may need to change his perspective on going from feeling unwanted sexually to feeling sexually wanted.
Tarantula Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 A good person is easy to lose,and hard to gain. If he is a good husband and a nice father, then try to work your sexual life out to start some better . Indeed a good advice you had got : to go to the physician,he will explain him about the hormonal disbalance and what it caused . He will understand . God bless!
Author vainla Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 It may be that he took the rejection way too personally. In my mind as a man I know I used to be very sensitive if I got rejected by my wife and if it happened over and over for a while I used to stop wanting it from her and stopped any initiation for sex. I remember at times that she would undress infront of me on purpose and I would not find her attractive (even though she was super hot) as I felt rejected. It might just be as simple as convincing your husband that you want him. (I think it's not the sex men crave from their wives but the affection it brings them) He may have deep seated beliefs that you don't want him sexually. In my man's mind feeling unwanted sexually is for a woman like being rejected romantically/emotionally by her partner. Your husband may need to change his perspective on going from feeling unwanted sexually to feeling sexually wanted. thank you for yout input. It is pretty much the way I perceive it,
pelicanpreacher Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 What's missing in your story is the manner in which you rejected your husband's sexual advances when you were unaware of your hormonal imbalances. Please be frank so that we may better understand why he still seems stuck in the past whenever you attempt to advance overtures of your own.
Author vainla Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 What's missing in your story is the manner in which you rejected your husband's sexual advances when you were unaware of your hormonal imbalances. Please be frank so that we may better understand why he still seems stuck in the past whenever you attempt to advance overtures of your own. I never say I was unaware of my unbalance. And as I answer to somebody, he also knew of it even before we got married. I'm not so sure he ever believe that. Anyways, what I did say, is that my pregnancy made it really bad. How did I rejected him? I kept telling him I was very sick, in fact I did throw up every time he tried to make sexual advances, but I was also trowing up all the time, with him or without him around. And just by the record, I am being frank. If wanted to hear what I wanted to hear, I woul not come here for objective perspectives, I would just tell myself whatever nice thing to make me feel better.
RecordProducer Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I am not getting your story clearly. Would you please help me out a bit here? You said you rejected him during your pregnancy. You were also very ill during the entire pregnancy. I don't know how any man could NOT understand that a sick, pregnant woman might be repulsed by the idea of sex. You don't say how much time has passed since you gave birth, but it does makes a difference as to whether it's been for two months or two years that your husband has been holding grudges. I suspect that he feels you're not in love with him and you don't desire him, so rejecting you is his way of coping with it. I also suspect that you are not interested in having sex with him, but it's just your ego that's hurt - why doesn't HE want to have sex with you? The whole thing smells like him sending you a message "If you don't want ME, then I don't want YOU. So there!" You said you tried everything (sex products, lingerie, supplementes, etc.), but did you try initiating sex? I get the impression that you come from a non-western culture where the woman has to wait for the man to initiate sex. If this is the case, then how about trying to let him know in other ways? Perhaps talk to his mom?
Author vainla Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 I am not getting your story clearly. Would you please help me out a bit here? You said you rejected him during your pregnancy. You were also very ill during the entire pregnancy. I don't know how any man could NOT understand that a sick, pregnant woman might be repulsed by the idea of sex. You don't say how much time has passed since you gave birth, but it does makes a difference as to whether it's been for two months or two years that your husband has been holding grudges. I suspect that he feels you're not in love with him and you don't desire him, so rejecting you is his way of coping with it. I also suspect that you are not interested in having sex with him, but it's just your ego that's hurt - why doesn't HE want to have sex with you? The whole thing smells like him sending you a message "If you don't want ME, then I don't want YOU. So there!" You said you tried everything (sex products, lingerie, supplementes, etc.), but did you try initiating sex? I get the impression that you come from a non-western culture where the woman has to wait for the man to initiate sex. If this is the case, then how about trying to let him know in other ways? Perhaps talk to his mom? It seems like you did read my post very trhoughly. Yes I am from Mexico actually. We have a 5 yr old child. We did resume our sexual life after the birth, but it was never the same, somehow it went from once a week to every other week, to once a month, to nothing. I have gone as far as to ask him, and touching him kissing him. One night I touched him and he almost broke my hand. I gave up because I understand what is like when you are not up to it. I believe may be I just broke the guy. May be he is not interested in it anymore, or maybe he just cannot do it anymore, so I just gave it up. I don't really mind not having sex. I do have a hormonal unbalance and I can live without sex forever. It does not bother me at all, it is just that every time something comes out, he brings that up and I know he is hurt. I tried to fix it, but I don't know what else to do. I have started to think he just cannot do it anymore, so I am letting him safe face if that is the case. I have the feeling that is what it is, and he blames it on me. He knows I do love him. I have morally supported him through many things he has gone through. He trust that I would never do anything to hurt him, but he has just not gotten over that. He cheated on me before we got married, and I chose not to find out he cheated on me when I was preg. Now though, I know for sure he doesn't. Weather he is just saving face by blame it on me, I don't know. We have not had sex for more that a year now
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